«
»
This Sucks

BUTCH LESBIAN QUITS ATTACK ATTACK!; FUTURE OF CRABCORE IN QUESTION?

 Thursday, October 22nd, 2009 at 10:00am by



Yesterday, October 19th, 2009 – a date which will live in infamy – Nick Barham, Rosie O’Donnell look-alike and lead vocalist for Attack Attack!, suddenly and deliberately quit the band. And only mere days before the group was scheduled to begin a tour with another one of the 21st century’s most groundbreaking musical acts, I Set My Friends On Fire.

There is terrible news, to be sure; indeed, I am having a hard time typing this through my tears. It feels like the days Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Stanley Kubrick, Norman Mailer, and Jesus Christ died, all rolled into one. It is a true, true tragedy.

When reached for comment, Barham said, “Like, what do you mean?”

But rest assured: Attack Attack! will persevere, as guitarist Johnny Franck and keyboardist Caleb Shomo will handle vocal duties for the time being.

(HOLY SHIT, THE KEYBOARD PLAYER IN ATTACK ATTACK! IS NAMED SHOMO?!?!?!?!? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?!?!?!? AND HAS NO ONE INTRODUCED HIM TO THE CONCEPT OF A STAGE NAME???)

While grief counselors are working overtime to man suicide hotlines and help the bereaved through this truly grievous occassion, Noisecreep reports that Barham has promised fans that “I will be starting something new soon.”

So maybe you wanna skip the grief counseling and just off yourself before Nick makes good on her threat.

-AR

Tags: , , , , ,
  • Grymmbear

    Attack Attack! Now with 1/6th less crab!

    • Slaughterhouse

      Haha….

  • poopsmcgee

    i believe his name is pronounced “s-homo”

    • Rolling Thunder

      BA-ZING!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason Crispen

        Caleb’S Homo

        • iceman

          greg shomo……stage name: gay homo

          • iceman

            just kiddin. dont know where i got the name greg. i knew that was too easy…

          • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

            Heh… he goes by Greg, but his real first name is Gaylord.

          • anthony

            he may go by greg, but really he just loves taing man meat up his ass.

    • http://skinnytees.spreadshirt.net/en/GB/Shop/Article/Index/article/Crabcore---killing-metal-one-shuffle-at-a-time-10047491 EdSW

      sho-mo penis

  • msv81

    Axl, it’s been a long time since you wrote up one of your hilarious “insert commentary” articles. Those are my favorite, please come up with one soon!

  • big_bear

    fucking hilarious………. that kid is a fucking idiot

    “Like, I don’t know how to do interviews or answer simple questions.”

    what a fucking idiot

    crabs!!!

  • Lady Luck

    Aw fuck! now who am i going to laugh at to make myself feel better?
    oh wait, SHOMO, that’s right.
    Mommy probably told him to clean his room, and you know, today’s youth being so over dramtic, he quit the band to make his point. Well played.

  • http://www.myspace.com/breathofmetalproductions pokesmot

    man this is fucking gold
    now for the rest of the band to call it a day

  • Hyperkulturemia

    Guess he got sick of sharing his hair straightener with all those other brootal dudes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Michael-Christopher-Hall/1131120176 Richard Michael Christopher Hall

    death of auto tune

  • http://www.jacksonguitars.com Tim-o-tato

    Spot on. Spot on…
    I hope that little T-rex goes extinct…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Fountain/1391790047 Brandon Fountain

    I wonder what “-core” trend Miss O’Donnell will start next?

  • big_bear
  • Fufkin

    Crabcore is bigger than one man. It can move on sideways past this.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      HAHAHAHA… this is awesome.

    • Facebook User

      You’ve just won an Internets, good sir.

    • Driven9

      hahh nice

    • jackattack

      Genius. +1

      • Lady Luck

        ♥

    • Pretentious yucks!

      Yup…well played!

  • Slaughterhouse

    Damn funny comments already!!!!!!!!

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    Good lord… whatever are they going to do without him? I’m sure it’s going to replace someone who can do wussy screams AND auto-tuned vocals… all while wearing a douchey v-neck.

  • Facebook User

    Robert Trujillo called, he wants his whole “crouching while playing instrument” schtick back.

  • typical white guy

    Well played axl, that headline is pure gold.

  • timmah

    In all honesty, I’m really kinda hoping that this kid “woke up,” and realized that what he was doing was devoid of any type of musical talent and credibility. Maybe someone showed him the Weiland video.

    I mean, he’s a kid, and so it’s unlikely that given the success he’s already experienced doing what he’s doing that he’d have any inkling to change, but maybe he just woke up recently and went “Holy shit! My music is terrible, like awful! Indeed I am a shitstain on the ass of the universe. I can’t sing, I scream really badly, the rest of my band can’t play their instruments, we’re really just a bunch of no-talent hacks, and I gotta get out of this before our fans catch on.” And then ultimately decides to stop making music altogether, or get some chops before engaging in another gimmick, or hopefully avoiding gimmicks in general.

    Of course I give the above scenario a snowball’s chance in hell of being the real truth, but I can dream can’t I?

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      He may just be heading out on his own to start another crustacean-core band.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

        SHELLFISH-CORE!!!

        • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

          Wil Wheaton’s gonna be pissed.

        • Discipleofthewatch

          LOBSTER-CORE!!

    • rachel

      the kid is only like 18. And I’m 18, so I can imagine the pressure of being a sort of fucked-up role model for scenesters could drive you crazy. I mean, he had stages of several hundred kids to be the frontman to, like every night. That’s a helluva lot of pressure, even if hes just aimlessly thrashing around, like scenesters do, and screaming like a dog. Maybe that kid will actually do something with his life. Is college that far-fetched of an idea to suggest?

      • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

        As the frontman for Attack Attack!, he’d already hit rock bottom. He can only go up from here. Even if he decides to off himself, it’ll be an improvement.

        Who knows… maybe he’ll go to school, become a doctor, and cure cancer or shingles.

        • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

          Lol “cure cancer.” Thats about as likely as me getting pussy in the next week or so. This kid is an utter fail. People who could be successful outside of music have a certain air about them.. You know, alex webster from Cannibal Corpse, the kind of guy you can tell is extremely intelligent and intuitive. This kid, I doubt he can finish a Dr. Seuss book.

      • Mike Arose

        im 18 and im sad to say im lumped in with these fucking excuses for musicians. I’m sorry these generation of kids have 0 fucking clue prime example http://www.myspace.com/412039568. These guys have no clue as to what metal or hardcore is yet there considered local legends in my town WTF?

      • Sammy

        Rachel, it’s probably too far-fetched of an idea to suggest he could pass a 3rd grade vocabulary test.

  • Sammy

    For today only, I will dub myself Shammo.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

    First Q&A Is the best:

    HARDTIMES: “Tell me what’s on tap for your band?”
    ROSIE: “On tap? Like, what do you mean?”

    Second Q&A:
    HARDTIMES: “What’s your connection to the hardcore scene?”
    ROSIE: “Like, what do you mean?”

    Seriously.

    Mint.

    • http://www.theblacklaser.net Joe The Wizard

      Seriously, Rosie O’Donnell comes off as a fucking mental powerhouse here. And the face (s)he makes while trying to think about how to answer the next question is priceless. It’s like you can hear his brain going, “OMG what is this 29-year old grandpa going to ask me next? I hope he doesn’t use a big word like ‘dichotomy’ again. I wonder if my mom packed me a lunch today. I hope that bitch cut the crusts off.”

  • Rancidcropse

    YES YES YES death to crab core HE DIDNT QUIT I KILLED HIM !!!!!!!!

  • Dysenteric

    Can you guys not choose a different band to rip on?

    All this fuss and shock is over a funny crouch move some musicians did in a music video. Don’t like it, fine, but Jesus fuck, don’t be such retards over it. Grow up.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      The crouch is the icing on one big ridiculous scenecore cake. The hair, the tight pants, the v-neck shirts, the horrendous auto-tuned vocals, the breakdowns… there are a lot of reasons to ridicule this band.

    • jackattack

      Oh just go play Oregon Trail and keep your mouth shut… AMIRIGHT?!?!? ANYONE!?!?! ANYONE!?!?!

      • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

        YOU HAVE DIED OF DYSENTERY.

        • gibberish

          I was in second grade when I played that game. Scarred me for life. XD

      • Ziltoid

        That was such a brutal game…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bobby-Tims/1313713879 Bobby Tims

      Hi nick. How’s your crabs?

  • CrapMcPoopin

    anybody else feel like metalsucks has become that guy in high school who is constantly making fun of all the goth chicks but secretly wants to bang them?

    • Sammy

      No. But a lot of the people who complain about Metalsucks are like people who complain about the sex and violence on TV…who know about it because they cannot avert their own eyes.

  • Adam

    Guys,

    Come on, guys. Give em credit. Most of you guys don’t even realize that, like, they have really heavy breakdowns.

    • TXHellbilly

      Pussy

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bobby-Tims/1313713879 Bobby Tims

        guys, come on. guys. guys they have really nice hair, most of you don’t realize that, come one guys.

  • jackattack

    Crab-core is slowly dying… would that now make it Valtrex-core?

    • http://www.myspace.com/uglydirge aaron m.

      rip crabcore 2009-2009

      • http://lavidastrangiato.blogspot.com/ Jake Strangiato

        This comment=Win.

  • Ziltoid

    Aww man…I wanted to see him on their upcoming tour. The crabbery just won’t be the same without him.

    • rachel

      This is about the tr00est music in existence, right? Who cares about the talented musicians of (insert band name) when you can just play Attack Attack.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      Whoa… their tour was coming to your mom’s basement? AWESOME

      • Ziltoid

        Yep, I couldn’t believe it when they announced that tour date. I guess I’ll have to move the couch over so that they can have an area to perform their beautiful tunes. Oh the sonorous glory of crabcore…

        • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

          Maybe they’ll invite you backstage! (And by backstage, I mean the laundry room.)

          • Ziltoid

            OH MY GOSH! THEN I COULD GET THEIR AUTOGRAPHS!

          • Ziltoid

            **fanboy screams**

          • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

            oh, em, gee. How much are tickets zilty? I want them to sign my poster of them wearing the vent-sunglasses and showing off their special line of american eagle threads!

  • uLy

    I almost feel bad for these kids. They clearly come from the boondocks and have no concept of anything of merit and integrity. They’re young, and oblivious to how silly they look.

    Seriously, one of them is going to realize it one day and kill themselves. Mark my words.

  • Marc

    Holy fucking shit!!! Is that really a female?!?! I watched that sad excuse for an interview and that has to be a fucking guy!! Why in the fuck has heavy music come down to this sad, weak, ignorant sub genre? It makes me wanna quit metal music altogether! Motherfucker! If Judas Priest are defenders of the faith, these fucks are destroyers of it completely!! Please someone, kill them all!

  • Master Chah

    lol.

    Wait they have a girl in this band?

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      I wouldn’t really be surprised to find out that they all have vaginas.

    • Master Chah

      Oh wait, nevermind, I forgot that this band technically is a girl band

      • Master Chah

        I guess they had to get vaginas since their sisters’ jeans cut off all the circulation down there

  • ROMAN

    so you guys do realize that since you make posts about this band just about every single week you are just giving them more exposure, right?
    I get that you hate Attack! Attack! and that you think they have no talent and should just fuck off and die… which is fine because the world would be a better place without auto-tuned garbage like this, but as they say there is no such thing as bad publicity. no matter how many people laugh and agree with your comments, there is still going to be at least one dickhead kid out there who stumbled upon this site, see’s all these posts you’ve made about the band, and go “you know what this isn’t so bad, I really like how they combine heavy ass breakdownzzz with beautiful pop vocals”
    and yet another child is lost to the shittyness that is ‘crab core’ when he could be growing up on a staple diet of real music like Slayer instead

    ps. you guys are so gay for this band. just admit it already

  • large jockstrap

    the s in shomo is silent. not kidding

  • slavetothegrinder

    ha ha ha ha i cant believe this!! this is what the kiddies are into! the techno dance breakdown ha ha the dance ha ha this is to much!!!!

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      Lol. If you think this is bad go look up BrokENcyde. I swear to god, they’re even worse. Wanna-be techno-rap-club bangin’ music with shitty AUTO-TUNED SCREAMS.

      No joke.

  • poopsmcgee

    just a general question: are jews allowed to listen to crabcore? is it kosher?

  • PaxlRose

    Yesterday was October 19?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Fountain/1391790047 Brandon Fountain

      Thought I was the only one that caught it haha

  • Michael

    Such a smart, well educated young lady. I’m sure she quit just to go back to school and/or get a job doing bigger and better things, or doing men.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Fountain/1391790047 Brandon Fountain
  • oBESTIALo

    im actually going lol miss may i is pretty sick, plus i get to show every one my crabcore appreciation

  • SourDeez

    Without a band he’ll only be able to play shrimpcore.

    • slavetothegrinder

      win

  • Anthony

    Just so you know (like you care), you should probably fix your tags. Attack Attack! only has 1 exclamation point. Attack! Attack! (with 2) is a Welsh pop rock band.

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      MMMM welsh pop.

      I mean, uhhh… They’re both gay!

      O.o

  • slavetothegrinder

    whats on tap for your band”on tap what do you mean?”god this kid is a retard!!

  • Jordan

    there are so many people who hate on attack attack! who are all about breakdowns, that listen to post hc/metalcore, and have only really given one AA song a chance to listen to. they seriously have some really heavy breakdowns. you may not like the synth or auto tone, but i guess that is only appealing to certain people, mostly the ones who accept all types of music. but you should seriously give some of their heavier songs a listen if you like post hc/metalcore, and are hating on them after only having listened to a song or two.
    most of the songs on their ep are much heavier than their full length.

    • TommyGunn

      kill yourself.

  • Jordan

    hahaha, someone is really mature. your post is very helpful and well opinionated. sorry i have a taste in music and am open to listening to all genres (which seems unlikely for yourself). fuck you.

  • magooseph

    you do not no how much i laughed at this shit!!

  • Bob

    Its the internet chill yo