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Scraping Genius Off The Wheel

SCRAPING GENIUS OFF THE DAY

 Friday, October 23rd, 2009 at 10:00am by

Hello. My name is Gary Suarez. You might remember me from my totally serious review of Oceano’s Depths or from the resulting controversy. A lot of you had something to say about all that, and I suspect you’ll have even more to say since I’M TAKING OVER METALSUCKS FOR THE DAY!

I’ve got a whole mess of stuff planned for you today including unauthorized interviews, unassigned album reviews, and unwarranted concert recaps. Get ready for the most awesomest day in the history of the Intarwebs!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rob-Kurkjian/1238131077 Rob Kurkjian

    OMG THE GARY SUAREZ!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!!!

    Fuck you and your shitty music tastes

    Your year end list was gay

    Oceano blows munkey turd

    • Geekbeater

      I have not read one post by Gary Suarez since I started to read this site LAST APRIL. You suk Suarez.

    • Chris

      Didnt they get rid of this douch bag?

  • Driven9

    I dont get it. I guess MS pussed out on the whole ‘your fired’ thing. no suprise.

    • Deaner

      Maybe it’s not actually him… The post is tagged “dickhead” just like the last one… So maybe they’re writing under his name… I guess, “Pics or it didn’t happen” is in order here.

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/46e389eb8b79606050d3d447431ff6ac?s=80 Nate

      Or maybe it was all a fucking joke and you’re a moron who doesn’t understand sarcasm.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-Guzmn/570745539 Daniel Guzmán

        Stop it with the sarcasm thing, this is confusing and you can’t deny it.

  • Adam

    Hax0rz

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-He/749730660 Richard He

    This is meta as fuck. My head hurts from all the irony that’s about to be overlooked.

    however, I will not be satisfied if there’s not at least ONE pro-Courtney Love article. kthx!

  • Nmcx16342@gmail.com

    Best. Day. Ever.

  • http://jordanmunson.wordpress.com Jordan

    WIN.

  • Trux

    Surprise Surprise !!

  • Johnny

    well i guess i can go a day w/ o metalsucks

    • Hendecahedron

      Agreed

      • R. Joseph Smith

        Yeah maybe I’ll clean my house or go to the park…Nah I’m watching the death throes of a site I used to visit. And used to enjoy.

    • Facebook User

      http://www.geekologie.com/ is pretty entertaining, just go there for the day.

      • http://Myspace.com/wearecarnevil AEnema175

        Thats what i did.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Fountain/1391790047 Brandon Fountain

    This should be fun

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

    This is awesome. Oceano RULES!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-He/749730660 Richard He

    I can totally see this starting a trend in metal:

    God Forbid retire from music and turn into a blog run by Dallas Coyle devoted to free downloads of film soundtracks.

    Attack Attack!’s (not to be confused with Attack! Attack!) singer starts a band named Attack! Attack to pursue his tribute to the music of Rosie O’Donnell full-time.

    For the first time since his firing, Dave Mustaine talks to the members of Metallica and subtlely brainwashes them into making an unbelievably terrible album, thus having his revenge ruining their careers 20 years too late.

    …oh wait.

  • RomuluXX

    Looks like there’ll be no Metalsucks for me today

  • http://buttor.blogspot.com Buttor

    What the fuck is going on ?

    • Jugglemonkey

      Second. Totally confused.

    • Malacoda

      AAAAAAAH CONFUSED

  • Fufkin

    So should I check back on Monday for the Creed album review?

  • Jimmy

    The irony/sarcasm/whatever is so dry that no one is understanding what the fuck is going on anymore

    • R. Joseph Smith

      Nor do we care anymore.

  • joshkid

    …

  • cookie

    Reading these comments reminds me of that thing dogs do when they’re confused, when they tilt their head to the side and whimper.

    • http://buttor.blogspot.com Buttor

      That’s exactly what I’m doing right now…

  • Justin Foley

    This is hilarious. Gary and MetalSucks, this is really good.

    I’m in a band called the Austerity Program. When we put our first record out, we put together a fake press release with our record label claiming that we were suing them because they wouldn’t let us pull patents on our songs. “Copyright is only good in the US. We have no protection of our intellectual property for any international releases.” We made up a fake lawyer’s name, sent the thing out and figured it’d take about 3 minutes of lazy Internet research before people realized the whole thing was total bullshit (Patents are not intended to cover intangible items like art). Everyone would realize we’re just goofballs and who cares, right?

    Wrong. Man, people were PISSED off at us. We received hateful e-mails from folks we’d never met. A friend in another band called us up to say “uh, we can’t play with you in Providence because the club contacts I’ve got are pissed at you guys. Something about patents?” Some charitable folks on the web were like “well, I guess as artists they do have a right to get patents, maybe my band should look into that.” Rereading the press release (I think we described our own lawyer as ‘sweaty’), the whole thing seemed obviously idiotic. But no one called our bluff. To the label’s credit, their only response to the fact that we’d poisoned the well with a bunch of potential customers was “we thought it was funny.”

    Oceano’s (or more likely Earache’s) utter pandering by continuing (I just checked) to reference a satirical lambasting of how shitty their record is by pretending it’s true is the punchline to this joke. Gary’s willingness to stick with the script while people are screaming for his death is pretty great. Trust me, I know the pull of your keyboard, tempting you to sit down and send out the message “IT’S A JOKE, MORAN”. Drinks all around, gentlemen.

    Gary, I humbly offer my services to help out with your day at the helm if you want them. All of you guys have kicked it up a couple of notches with this.

    = Justin Foley

    • Geekbeater

      Shut the fuck up Foley noone cares about your shitty band.

    • builtforsin

      I guess your really cool for getting it? You’re really fitting in now!

      I think most people check this site for reviews/new band discovery/band interviews, etc. When its full of queer reviews and general goofiness people start to lose interest

      Just because you think its funny to be retarded doesn’t mean people don’t get it. They just think you suck.

      I fucking hate kids like that.

    • The Ghost of D. Boon

      Justin Foley, between this, the Valnøtt, the advice column on your website, the “colour selection” for your Song 20 7″ and the liner notes for Black Madonna, I think I may be in love with you. Be my Internet Girlfriend.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Cefaratti/542463984 Chris Cefaratti

      The patent joke was pretty funny around the office.

    • Facebook User

      I really, REALLY dig your band. A lot! Just sayin’.

    • Shinaain

      I wonder if this is how puppies feel when toddlers hijack their favorite chew toys, then pull their little puppy-ears and coo? *sigh*

      Thank you for the insight, Justin. I’m not particularly entertained by this scenario, but I won’t begrudge others their fun. Also, I’ve visited this site enough to be accustomed to being called a moron (or worse). I certainly enjoy it when you choose to participate here. For my part, if I wanted to spend inordinate amounts of my time suss’ing out bullsh*t, I could simply log off and pay attention to the political maneuverings perpetually conducted in the office space around me. To each their own. The only difference in these shenanigans and the usual buffoonery around this site is … well, I got nothing.

      And as for you, Gary? Actually, I don’t know what to do with you…

      I believe the word for this is flummoxed. It’s fun to type, if not to say, so I’ll go with flummoxed. Yep.

      • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

        Flummoxed is an awesome word. And it fits what you’re trying to say.

        • timmah

          I love a good word! Perplexed is another!

    • Malacoda

      You’re in the Austerity Program? Good shit man, I like your band.

  • http://theinvertedpanopticon.blogspot.com/ C.

    Okay, you guys? The joke was barely funny in the first place, and now it’s completely played out.

  • Sean

    Awesome, should be a good day! Gary is one of the top writers here regardless of his personal taste in music

  • bearbomb

    That post was less than 100,000,000,000 words. That’s not Gary. Fuck you MS! Go make Rich write another POS that nobody cares about and continue your decent into irrelevancy.

  • bananakid

    I knew from the moment the ‘Gary Suarez is fired’ article was posted that this was all one big, fat, stinky, unfunny “joke”.

    Driven9 says:
    “I dont get it. I guess MS pussed out on the whole ‘your fired’ thing. no suprise”

    ^But posts like this are pure gold. Keep ‘em coming. As long as MS has oblivious douchetards like this commenting on articles, the traffic rate will be fairly stable and the ‘laughing at dumbassness’ rate will reach an alarming high.

  • xphunballz69x

    why didn’t you blitz the j00s and pull this “stunt” on yom kippur?

    • R. Joseph Smith

      Because they’re clearly not quick witted enough.

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Suarez is back! Whoop de dooooo.

  • Sophus

    This is going to make my sarcasm gland burst.

  • The Ghost of D. Boon

    YAAAAAY

  • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

    WHEEEEEE

  • TXHellbilly

    Looks like I will be skipping all of today’s post. Why dont you write a post about how much you love Buckcherry or fuckin Nickelback?

    • aaron m.

      you’d like that, wouldn’t you, “TXHelbilly”.

  • R. Joseph Smith

    Contrived, ham-fisted attempt at humorous sarcasm. Too late to be of any real effectiveness. And besides it’s just not really that funny. Or funny at all. In the slightest. This is just getting pathetic. Sad, sad day for “metal” internet entertainment. Guess I’ll go back to surfing porn for hours on end again.

  • ZZZEN

    dude oceano is alright, but its hardly a 5 horn deal…. whatever floats your metal boat i guess.

    GARY SUAREZ, you are a fucking turd, i hope this is the last we hear from you on this site, fuck gary suarez and his mother too.

    leave metalsucks to the better human being. you’re unevolved, and should be treated as such (ie put in a cage, made to test potentially toxic products)

  • Facebook User

    You’d better goddamn write about the new Inferno record, OR THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER, SUAREZ.

  • Zack

    I cant take all of this satire! so many layers! AAAAGH

  • http://www.gamesmeetmetal.com Gamesmeetmetal.com

    Yep, called it. I thought the fight was bullshit. Not that I mind, though. Need a little humor every now and then.

    Gary, if you’re reading this, was the “dickhead” tag link your idea, or was it bequeathed to you with much pomp and circumstance? I’m picturing a ceremony with powdered wigs.

  • http://www.411mania.com/politics Enrique

    I liked Suarez better when he was fired.

    • orbital

      1

    • http://www.myspace.com/uglydirge aaron m.

      fool! you cannot strike gary suarez down! for if you do, he shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

  • jason

    That was awesome…the layers of irony boggle the mind. Way to sell it, Suarez. It’s like a Sascha Baron Cohen bit where he refuses to break character even in the face of the angry masses. Andy Kaufman would be proud.
    PS- Glad you’re “back.” I never got to thank you for hipping me to Kowloon Walled City…it’s a monster.

  • SP420

    Well, good. Won’t be checking out this site for the rest of the day then.

  • vikingfromhell890

    Gayest joke ever.

  • ian

    Suarez for Prez!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Sisserson/666082361 Brian Sisserson

    i don’t care who is writing this shit as long as you stream the new red chord album ASAP. Actually RIGHT NOW would be awesome.

    • Shinaain

      Oh, nice priority check. Thanks!

      +1

  • TheRooktrocity

    Gay.

  • http://www.myspace.com/ihopeyourot DemiGod

    called it.

  • Zoker

    One day I’ll come to the mansion and I’ll take the fuck over all of you!!

  • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

    I’m spending the day watching Star Wars

    • http://www.last.fm/user/groverXIII groverXIII

      I approve of this, and if I can find it on TV I may just do that at work tonight.

    • Shinaain

      I’m coming over, and bringing pizza and beer. Be right there.

      • RomuluXX

        Save a spot for me

      • Ziltoid

        I’ve got dibs on the most metal spot on your couch.

    • http://uponwingsofblack.blogspot.com/ \m/Eluveitie\m/

      Now it’s a party!! I was almost through Empire Strikes Back when I had to pick up my sisters from school. Ziltoid, you can sit on the spring that pops out I guess, it’s metal.

      • Ziltoid

        Brutal!

  • Ziltoid

    This went from stupid and juvenile to incredibly retarded rather quickly.

    • WowWee!

      Just like your mom last night

      • Ziltoid

        That makes no sense. Next time, make a joke that someone over the age of 12 will find to be funny.

        • The Ghost of D. Boon

          Your mom is a joke people over the age will find funny

          • Ziltoid

            Maybe if they have the maturity of a twelve year old. “Your mom” jokes are honestly some of the worst attempts at humor I’ve ever heard. Even at a young age, when immaturity was supposed to be rampant, I despised such idiotic attempts at humor. I guss even as a youngster I was better than everyone else, just as I am now.

          • http://www.myspace.com/uglydirge aaron m.

            YOUR MOM has the maturity of a twelve year old.

    • The Ghosto f D. Boon

      YOUR MOM IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

      .

      .

      AT SUCKING DICK

  • Wanga

    So is this reverse hyperbole or anti sarcasm? I can’t fucking keep up anymore with this shit, mainly because I don’t want to – I just wanna come to this website everyday and read the fucking news. I don’t necessarily want it to be funny, even though it can be, I just want the information! Still, I don’t get it, but I do get it. I don’t want to get it. Get it?

  • Aya

    OMG.100% Confused. Is that so-called language barrier or culture difference? I thought AR and VN were heartbroken because of that review. So “You’re fired” was a complete joke? A big surprise anyway.

  • TurdFerguson

    I hate it when my balls stick to my thighs.

  • Dan

    I love Suarez. He’s the anti-Phil Freeman.