TOP 5 REASONS WHY LIV KRISTINE CAN SUCK IT
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 at 3:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
Last week, The Deciblog – which I adore and respect with every ounce of my being – posted a guest blog by Leaves’ Eyes vocalist Liv Kristine. It was entitled “Top 5 Reasons Why Females in Metal Rule.” And it was total fucking bullshit.
I’m not saying that the concept is total fucking bullshit – I really have no problem whatsoever with women in metal. I’m saying this blog, in particular, was total bullshit. It in no way, shape, or form made an argument for why females in metal rule.
Elise over at Reign in Blonde – a woman herself, doncha know! – contemplated writing a response entitled “TOP 5 REASONS WHY LIV KRISTINE CAN SUCK IT,” but ultimately opted not to. So I asked her if I could write said response, and she graciously granted me permission. So here we go.
- LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMAN IN METAL DON’T LOSE THEIR JOBS WHEN THEY BECOME MOTHERS.” So right off the bat, I have no fucking idea what she’s talking about. I don’t know what the regional laws are in Kristine’s native Norway, but here in America, it’s illegal to fire a woman for becoming a mother (I don’t know how that law applies to metal bands, but in theory, it should hold true). And Kristine never really bothers to explain her statement – she just says “It’s in our hands to decide if we want to continue working.” Which, again, is true of pretty much any profession. So, y’know, way to state the obvious, Liv.
- LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL (MOSTLY!) STICK TOGETHER.” Again, what a nonsensical statement. At least she added that “mostly.” Because I’ve met just as many catty bitches that will pretend to be friends with other women one minute and then talk shit about them the next as I have in pretty much any other profession/lifestyle/whatever. Liv’s argument here seems to exist primarily so she can talk about how well she gets along with the female bassist in her band. I’m glad you girls get along, Liv, but this proves nothing. Other than that you’re an idiot.
- LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE ALWAYS GOOD LOOKING.” That is the single stupidest statement I’ve read this week that did not directly pertain to American politics. I mean, it may very well be easier for metal chicks to get laid than other chicks, if only because men outnumber them like 100 to 1 (although the population at a lot of recent metal shows, at least where I live, tells me that this is not necessarily the case anymore), but that still proves nothing; it’s been my experience that even the most Medusa-like of women can find someone to sleep with them if they show the right amount of skin and wait around the bar long enough. But even if we pretend that Kristine just meant “female performers are always good looking,” she’d still be wrong. Some of these girls are dogs with fleas, even with an instrument or microphone in their hand. I won’t name names because this is an article about how I think Liv Kristine is a nincompoop, not how Jeanne Sagan looks like a boy, but… oh, wait. I blew it. Shit. But back to my original point: Kristine writes that “I’ve often been photographed in my Sporty Spice outfit at 7 a.m. on many of my runs on tour. And there have been no complaints so far.” So she’s basically saying, “I’m pretty, and what applies to me applies to all women.” And if that were true, male metal fans around the world would be masturbating to thoughts of the former singer for Attack Attack!, not Christina Scabbia.
- LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE TAKEN WELL CARE OF.” That girl I saw get groped in the pit at Summer Slaughter this year would probably disagree. Dummy.
- LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE SPECIAL.” She elaborates: “Women in metal are still heavily outnumbered by males. Therefore we get more attention.” Which is true. Revolver, for example, devotes entire issues to ogling women in metal’s tits and ass, which they would never do with men. To this day, that post with Kristin Randall’s boobs is one of our most viewed, while that other post with Lars Ulrich’s penis is not. So, yeah. You are special. But I assume you’d rather not be.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to Cannibal Corpse’s “Fucked with a Knife.”
-AR
BBAAAMMMM
::HIGH FIVE::
Ok
Ha, she is an idiot. But I guess it’s not so bad to promote women in metal… we’re taking over (watch the fuck out).
hehehehe GRRL POWR!
womyn yn mytl
I’d rather we not, to be honest. Less drama and shit with guys…
frankly, i think most guys who listen to metal honestly don’t give a shit what your sex is as long as the music’s good. that’s why no one really gives angela gossow, elizabeth elliott from dreaming dead, or mel from fuck the facts shit – because the music’s good. while it’s nice to have someone pretty to look at instead of having some dude thrust his cock in your face, when the needle drops the only thing that matters is the music. everything else is secondary.
Agreed. We considered taping our boobs down and dressing as guys to eliminate the gimmick, but figured it would not work, and had the potential to create a bigger gimmick.
that might be pretty funny. you could wear wear fake mustaches & pretend to be pantera. shit. i’d pay like, 10 bucks to see that.
No youre not, now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
No Crust.
HERE HERE!!!
Please call the Morge she is dead
Stupid woman is stupid
this liv christine article reads like a white person trying to explain why there’s no racism against black people in the united states.
Which Liv Christine article? And how did you feel about my Liv Kristine article? Just curious.
well, i meant the liv kristine article over at the deciblog. but your article was fucking spot on, man. it’s people like her that you really have to shake your head at and wonder how they manage to accomplish the simplest of tasks in the morning.
I put this one down to her being European. My high school back in the day used to bring in a bunch of Europeans to play basketball(yes believe it or not they could ‘ball) and their culture and way of thinking just never lined up with us. I guarantee you people that read the article over in Europe thought that it was genius.
We believe Europeans can play basketball. There are some beast Europeans in the NBA, like Dirk Nowitski and Pau Gasol.
Europe is a fucking continent, and you cannot compare the culture of norwegians with the culture of portuguese, it’s just silly. It’s like saying everyone on the american continent has the same mentality, from Alaska to Ecuador. That being said, I am “european” and i think the bitch is full of shit just like the rest of you.
You just sounded even dumber than Liv Kristine.
I would like to say that you are a complete moron. Not only because (as previous replies have stated) Europe is not a fucking country with one culture but a continent with a lot of cultures (ive seen proof of this both at my uni in the uk and at huge festivals such as Wacken and Graspop). Heck there are shit loads of culture differences even in Norway (where im from).
Yeah, her post is just crap but why in hell i just went and saw lars’penis?
stupid is stupid
Who the fuck is liv kristine
the girl in the picture above
I gathered that much but why is she important enough to have a spot on the deciblog? I’ve never even heard of her band and I like to think I have at least a pretty good idea of whats going on in metal.
Which disproves her point about women in metal being hot… She needs to look in the mirror and realize she’s like a 5 or a 6. I’d take a bitchy preppy girl over her any day…
hahaha good one nate! i agree…
Oh my god, it’s the other me!
I wikipedia’d this shit and I still have no fucking clue who this bitch is.
what a dumbass
Yes, this is vapid nonsense … and yet, I would totally do her. Go figure.
REAL chicks in metal dont go around giving top 5 fucking reasons why chicks in metal rule. Fucking idiot, gives us ladies a bad name!
THIS.
Posts like Liv’s only further the ‘gimmick’ of women in metal.
women in metal are pretty much bullshit. lets face it, ill be the first to admit it. now off to clean and cook to napalm death!
+1000
agree 100%
yes, girls in metal are somewhat rare (i only know one, other than myself) but that doesn’t mean that we have to post reasons why we’re supposedly better.
gender doesn’t matter. we all like metal. enough said.
Axl, today you are my hero.
Elise, if you see this vapid whore before me, please promise me you’ll break her nose in the name of your sister metallers.
Kristine, way to set us all back another 20 years. Congratulations. You’re an idiot.
For the record, reason #4 was the best I’ve seen to lock and load in a while. Well, today at least… Next time I go to punch a dude in the throat because he’s singled me out in the pit and roughing me up because frotteuristic assault is the only opportunity he will ever have to feel a boob, remind me to hug him instead for “taking care of me.” Yeah, right.
frotteuristic. color me impressed.
You have made me reach for a dictionary today. This doesn’t happen very often, good job.
LIv’s list was stupid, to be sure. It wasn’t malicious though, so I will refrain from declaring that she can suck it. Disclosure: I have some old Theatre of Tragedy albums and even the first Leaves’ Eyes album and EP.
Why didn’t she have the album named “Nyord?”
J’s are too patriarchal.
Women in Metal = Cool
BUT
This woman = Gigantic Dummy
I could give more than 5 reasons why she should suck me…I mean it
did anyone forget that leave’s eyes is gothic eurotrash
no one even knew
Oh my fuck I agree with Axl. Doomsday is a-comin’
I’d love to blame this on a language barrier or translation, but stupid is stupid in any language.
The list is inane. So are the retards who couldn’t come up with anything but “omG shes a whoaR!”
Pro-tip, imbeciles: if you’re going to insult someone, make it relevant.
Yet another reason for me to not like Leaves Eyes
My list of reasons to not like Leaves’ Eyes pretty much begins and ends with the fact that there is a band named LEAVES’ EYES…
That would be a horrible name even for a folk band that only plays middle schools and sings songs about recycling. But for a metal band?? Fuck me. I’m actually more amazed and ashamed by the fact that there are dudes in a band named “Leaves’ Eyes” than anything this woman could possibly say.
Hey, hey, hey…keep Jeanee Sagan out of it. That’s my girl. I’ll have to step to you…
Please follow this with “Top 5 Reasons Why Gay Men In Metal Rule”, “Top 5 Reasons Why Jews In Metal Rule” and of course, “Top 5 Reasons Why Negroes In Metal Rule”.
Two of these marginalizing blogs-to-be have to do with large penises. One does not. Can you guess?
Lets see, good metal bands with chicks in them…Bolt Thrower, Chthonic, Hammers Of Misfortune, Gorod…I’m drawing a blank now. Things aren’t that rosy Liv.
Addendum: Blackguard.
Also, there’s a girl in Gorod? AND bolt thrower?
Runnhild Gammelsæter, vocals/Thorr’s Hammer/Khylist
Jo Bench, bass/Bolt Thrower
Liz Buckingham, guitar/Electric Wizard/Sourvein/13
LsK/Hellsukkubus, bass/Hell Militia/Antaeus/Secrets of the Moon/Vorkreist/Merrimack
Katherine “Kat” Katz, vocals/ Salome/AnB
Gallhammer (Mika Penetrator – vocals, guitars/Vivian Slaughter – vocals, bass (also Congential Hell) /Risa Reaper, drums)
Marissa Martinez, vocals, guitar/Exhumed/Cretin
Chiyo Nukaga, drums/Graves at Sea/Noothgrush
Zdenka Prado, vocals/Estuary
Sonia Sepulcral , vocals/Bestial Holocaust
the list goes on and on and on…
oh my fuck Exhumed. FUCKING AWESOME. thanks for this list. I hope they’re, y’know, actually good at what they do, and not just gimmicks.
SIGGGHHHHHH (the band)
Honestly, I don’t think I would include Marissa (formerly Dan) Martinez in the list. I think that’s about the only situation in metal where someone had a sex change.
I didn’t recognize the name “Jeanne Sagan” so I looked it up…. Holy shit, there’s a chick in All That Remains? How did I not notice that?
Because she’s a shitty gimmick. She’s an awful bass player who plays root notes of the guitar riffs, and manages to fail so much as to use a pick.
Trust me, no one recognizes her, she’s not even that great looking.
Dude are you seriously going to attempt to push the ridiculous fallacy that using a pick isn’t TR00 BASS
I don’t care if people use a pick. Psycroptic’s bassist uses a pick, and is awesome. I’m saying, you don’t use a pick for bullshit basslines like that. Grinding eighth notes does NOT require a pick. You should only be using a pick for
A. The sound ( and it’s not like you can really hear her in the mix, so this doesn’t matter)
B. If you suck with your fingers and are too lazy to practice.
Honestly though, if you’re going to bass with a pick just go play guitar, bass has always been plucked.
she has a bit of the hanson syndrome.
Women can’t really say they’ve conquered metal until that girl from the pig squeal video hits it big.
You have really low vocal standards, don’t you?
NAILED IT
nice article– i always love point-for-point counter arguments that make people look like fools.
i think the Kristen Randall article still has such high traffic because it was titled “Kristen Randall bares more than her soul; hint: it’s her boobs”
bahahahahah funnies headline i’ve heard in a long time
Am I the only one who, even after knowing who she is and knowing she has a band that actually gets talked about, has never bothered to attempt to hear anything other than Nymphetamine?
That being said…she should shut up. If you’re good at what you do(aka not the singer for In This Moment or some random useless bitch that plays keyboard), it doesn’t matter if you’re a woman. If you aren’t, then you better hope you’re either hot, so the testosterone fueled idiots who overpopulate the metal fanbase will still care, or that Cradle of Filth creates the illusion that you’re worthwhile so that people actually take the time out to write about you.
Errr I thought this was the adult section…
liv kristine looks like my friends mom (reason number 6).
I’m just thinking about Liv Kristine sucking it.
I think the reason the Lars’ Dick post doesn’t have enough views is because you don’t link to it as often as the Randall’s boobs one.
Cos it sure isn’t because most of this site’s readers don’t love the cock.
Also it’s really cute how some of the commenters on here are chiming in on whether they would or wouldn’t fuck Liv Kristine, like they would ever get a choice in the matter.
What a dumb bitch. That’s all I need to say.
I’m pretty sure any chick into metal (like myself) would be sure enough of herself not to need a list of why she supposedly ‘rules’. Especially an achingly terrible one like this.
Thanks, Liv, for putting the ‘bullshit’ back in ‘feminism’. Crap like this does wonders for the cause.
Idiot.
Id still tap it
is decibel the same mag that has the “hottest females in metal” feature every year?
btw, someone mentioned that her views are based on being from another culture. i’m from the same place as her and i can say she’s just not very smart.
That’s revolver
never heard of her or her band so…..
and with women in metal its cool, but it does go overboard with hottest chicks tour and shit.
but i guess if they dont mind explotation, why should i?
Moments like this make me mourn the loss of El Duce.
She must have talked to Sarah Palin before writing that bullshit. Who cares if you look good at 7am Liv? I look like shit, and you still sound stupid.
1. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMAN IN METAL DON’T LOSE THEIR JOBS WHEN THEY BECOME MOTHERS.”
Norways paid maternity leave laws are = “54 weeks (12.5 months) (80%) or 44 weeks (10 months) (100%) – mother must take at least 3 weeks immediately before birth and 6 weeks immediately after birth, father must take at least 6 weeks – the rest can be shared between mother and father.” (quote from wikipedia as i was too lazy to type em my self). She would not have lost her job in any other job and if anything i would think that being a musician in todays society wouldn’t be the most lucrative job for a mother to have.
4.LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE TAKEN WELL CARE OF”.
This is somewhat true, though maybe because most of the guys at the show wants to get in her panties. But its also horribly untrue due to the same reason. A friend of mine fell in the At the Gates pitt at wacken 2008 about 3 guys helped her up while a 4th only grabbed her breasts.
5.LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE SPECIAL.”
Their special for the same reason i stated above that they were “TAKEN WELL CARE OF”
Liv Kristine is one naive blond bimbo if you ask me… im disgraced to think that some might associate her with Norway.
so basically she says that she rules because she can have babies and have sex alot and she is pretty and can get a message and like to have pillow fights with her girlfriend. very progressive and feminist.
“WOMEN IN METAL ARE ALWAYS GOOD LOOKING.” this statement actually makes plenty of sense when you consider the fact that being good-looking is, for a chick, just as important if not more important than actual musical talent when it comes to getting signed, getting a major company to back your tour, etc. the same applies to men but to a far lesser degree. I can think of plenty of ugly dudes in the metal world but not that many heinous chicks. in fact i can’t think of any that aren’t at least fuckable with medium-gauge beer goggles on. and thats not because ugly chicks arent out there trying their hardest to live the dream, its just that they get shoved to the side so the spotlight can shine on a hottie. in this sense, metal is no better than pop, country, rap or any other genre when it comes to look-ism.
http://reaper-x.deviantart.com/journal/28183712/
That’s all I have to say.
This dolled-up little princess sounds like she’s definitely in-he-know with the world of metal. Because, yeah, metal is all about good looking women and looking out for each other. /SARCASM
Someone should hit this bitch with the “Acme Reality Anvil”
Hi, Morgan Harrington here & I just want to tell everybody that I agree with Liv, especially about reason #4! btw, where is everybody?