BRUTAL LEGEND FIGURINE + T-SHIRT CONTEST
Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 4:30pm by MetalSucks
We’re giving away free shit! Woo! Today’s grand prize is a 17″ tall desktop figurine of Jack Black’s character from Brutal Legend, from a limited run of only 1,000. Two runners-up will receive one of the two Brutal Legend t-shirts shown above. All you have to do to win is tell us in the comments what you’d do if you had the axe the figurine is holding. MetalInjection and MetalInsider are also running the same contest, so head over to those sites for more chances to win.
I would use it instead of a cleaver when cooking dinner.
I would take all the copies of the game and take that axe to destroy and smash them all….
THE GAME is a HUGE Letdown…
starts out fucking awesome as a hack n slash type game…then slowly turns into a strategic type game like world of warcraft….And world of warcraft is NOT METAL
I would apply The Separator liberally to your face.
Obvious troll is obvious.
I would uppercut the crabcore players’ vaginas and split them in half.
I’d cut Paris Hilton’s dick off.
Lady gaga has a penis, paris hilton has a black hole.
i concure
What would I not do if I had one of those things. I’d post a really embarresing, yet funny, vocal cover of a song of your choice. Yeah I would.
I’d play some wank bullshit.
I would cease to look at porn. Because I would be continuously masturbating to the fact that this is sitting on my desk.
Three words: The Jonas Brothers.
I’d use it to cut down all my miniature trees.
I would one by one, hunt down all screamo and crunkcore bands, destroy them, and then continue to destroy the record companies that signed them in the first place so that no human will ever have to bare with the horrible sounds that are Attack Attack!! and Bring Me The Horizon!!!
Have you seen hatchet vs balls?
That.
Put it in my pee hole and swing my dick around helicopter style in a crowded Bed Bath & Beyond, forever ruining all the 2 for $15 discount shower curtains.
finally something on this site i can relate to
I think we has a winner
You people do realize this axe is about 6″ long right? Doesn’t appear particularly sharp either. You guys must be used to getting the most out of a small package if you plan on doing any pillaging with this sucker.
Anyone else think that JB is completely defacing everything the genre stands for by putting on this stupid show? I can’t be the only one who thought his bit at the VMA’s was a tad lame.
The genre doesn’t stand for anything. It never has, it never will.
Didn’t mean in the conventional sense…but whatever.
Your findings on the VMAs clearly show your passion for the genre.
Fucked by an axe.
I’d hack the server that the Metalsucks website is on to bits
Obliterate the first hipster I see, and continue on with a rampant destruction of all things hipster and wigger. Maybe a couple of blood eagles here and there (and axe would easily split open a sternum+ribcage no?). A path of destruction the likes of which have never been seen would follow in my wake.
All hail ormagoden.
I’d give Rosie, formerly of Attack Attack, the vagina she’s always wanted.
chop wood
Well since Attack Attack broke up, I guess Oceana’s next…
I would use it to destroy that horribly illustrated DIMEBAG painting so everyone would stop fucking bitching about it!
Then figure out a way to make a bong out of it!
If I had that axe, I would use it to chop of the head of Lars Ulrich and then proceed to hang it on my wall.
What would I do with with with a 17″ inch Brutal Legend figuarine, the possibilities are endless!! I would slay evil forces like Kortney Love, Ziltoid, any emo metal fan, any hairmetal fan, Metalsucks.net creators ect… What else would I do you ask….? absolutley nothing, that fucking thing is totally fucking useless.
You do realise that they’re talking about you having an actual axe like the one the figurine has, right? A life sized axe, you twat!
If i had the axe i’d be butchering all these fools that don’t seem to be able to read the details of this contest properly :/
The next time I play Barbies with my daughter, Toshio (our gay Ken doll) is going to grab that axe and vent his frustration on all the fashionista bitches he has to put up with all the time.
I would cut the face off that douche from Twilight. Then I’d wear his face Hannibal style and swim in the ensuing sea of barely legal pussy.
mass decapitation of anyone listening to rap,hip-hop,and or country
I’d show my boss how much i deserve a promotion. And a pay rise. A big pay rise…
Chop wood. It’s winter time.
Decapitatioooooooooooooooon.
Hopefully some of you have actually played the game.
Only played the demo, but that was my new favorite quote XD
i would keep it on me at all times. you never know when you’ll be forced to defend yourself against small rodents. this axe would keep me very safe.
A preemptive strike against the remnants of attack attack
With that axe in hand, I would totally travel to another world, build a hotrod, meet a hot chick, and save the land…oh, wait…
I would stick it so far up Slash’s ass he would no longer be able to play, and therefore retain that little bit of credibility he has left.
I would use the axe to join forces with GWAR and rid the universe of ignorant, prudish, metal hating conservatives who don’t even try to understand the genre at all.
chop off lady gaygay’s head to give her music a little personality.
I would purge pits of hardcore dancers.
I’d bring it to the upcoming GWAR show and present it to Oderus. Then I’d probably get jizzed on.
I wouldn’t do anything. Instead, I would Jack Black and the Buddy Christ battle to the death.
Use it as an air guitar while busting out the moves from the “Stick Stickly” music video by Attack Attack
If I obtained that axe, I would go around pillaging; Destroying all the crabcore and emo bands to oblivion, while saying “DECAPITATIOOOOON!!!” Then I would proceed to go on an intergalactic space tour with Gwar to kill even more people but while on stage. This would surely be the axe of the ages.
I would use it to pierce the ever-inflating egos of the members of Metallica.
It died in the eighties, guys. Come on.
I’d cleave false metal clean in two, obviously.
I’d pose like a Viking, in a chain-mail bikini …
I would use it as a sort of meat cleaving tampon for all the members of Attack Attack!
Cut off Dave Mustaine’s hair and sell it to Breaking Benjamin, telling them that it’s a condom that gives you talent. And then I will laugh at their acceptance.
I would Slay The Prophets Ov Isa
id split brokencyde in twine!
I’d chop the head off of the voice in my head.
This is an Axe? I thought it was a B.C. Rich.
I’d cut my chances of ever getting this figurine in half.
I would become a barber… What else would I do?
I’d make date night a hell of a lot more interesting
id shave the world one face at a time
i would make human sashimi !!! boo yah yah!
I would rid the world of all shit by first decapitating Dane Cook and Tommy Lee and stick there heads on the same pike facing each other, I will take all the crabcore bands and chop there genitals off and for the girls there tits and boil it up and serve it to Attack Attack ( this will be great for the sex change operation the lead singer always wanted), I will shove this up Courtney Loves’ vagina to finish her off because this is the only tool that would give her some sort of feeling in her abyss of a vagina, I will cut the arms off of all the Emo pussies so they have nothing to cut anymore, I will call out all the Juggalos in the entire would to an arena where I would go to fucking war with them with pure melee combat (I will even hand out furry costumes so they will feel a little more brave), and finally I would forge it to become a custom guitar and start a awesome band up and slay all the rude ignorant idiots that come to metal shows and be dicks.
Pick my teeth. It seems like it’d fit perfectly between my incisors.
use this axe to build my own grim and frostbitten kingdom out of a glacier and to tame cthulu so i could have him guard it for me.
I would smite all Juggalos and Juggaletes that roam around the face of the earth. And after destroying all of the Juggalo community, Chi Cheng will be restored and Deftones could finish Eros!
I would give it to my little brother to use with his GI Joes. It is only a few inches long and plastic, so I don’t see myself causing much carnage.
I would attempt to chop Dave Mustane’s ego in half. He’d probably still be an arrogant prick.
To be honest, I’d probably cut down some trees or some bullshit like that. I live in Kentucky. There isn’t a sexy battle nun in sight.
If I had that axe, I’d wage war against the orcs and trolls. Obviously.
I’m a pretty weak dude, so if I had that axe, I wouldn’t be able to lift it. I’d just look at it while pumping iron to be as buff as Eddie Riggs.
I’d probably write about it on Crustcake, a site everybody here should visit more often.
:D
I would interrupt Fred Durst’s guitar solo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MI-_jWAmlE
If I was still single, I would use it to pick up chicks, but since I’m not, I think Clear Channel has to go…and Cummulus, and every radio company in the known universe.
Id have to invent in some chainmail then run around showing off my badass axe, chopping whatever is in sight. O dammit id be a larper.
Oh and rock out to Axe while swinging my axe just to be cheesier
Put it on a chain and become a Juggalo.
I dont think you’d deserve such an axe.
I would use it to kill every motherfucker on this shitty planet, starting with all of the
tools that waste their time writing comments on this website
… like you?
i would go back to 1987 and cleave cyprus hill and fergie in twain, so that atrocious remix of paradise city would never occur. then i’d bring 1987 slash back to kick 2009 slash’s ass. also i’d bring 1987 motley crue back to kick 2009 motley crue’s ass. and i’d kill lars
I’ll tell you what I’d do: save the world from people who don’t want to metal.
I would circumcise myself.
lets just say that there would be no more juggalos..and Liv Kristine’s head would be in a dumpster where it belongs
That axe has many purposes. However, in this day and age most beasts and monsters of the black have already been vanquished. The axe now serves to seduce only the wettest of maidens for myself.
With this Mastodon of an axe, which the Skeletonwitch left me after leaving this earth in favor of Dark Tranquility, I would ride across the barren lands filled with Municipal Waste on A Horse Named Golgotha to confront my Arch Enemy, the Behemoth that stands Between the Burried and Me, the Morbid Angle that is Made out of Babies and dwells in the Lair of the Minotaur, the robo-tyrant, Genghis Tron. After realizing that this was no Job For a Cowboy, I would grip the handle and raise my weapon, preparing the Axe to Fall. With brutality and Bloodlust rushing through my veins, i would swing, introducing this Electric Wizard, not to Death, but to Megadeth. The scene would be covered in at least 3 Inches of Blood, leaving the mighty Emperor sitting on his Darkthrone looking like a Hellhammer smashed his face. Then I would ride until the Shadows Fall, thinking of how I was once a Strapping Young Lad, and am now a Slayer, a true Testament to all that is Metal.
damn, that was awesome, good luck
and for the record, my demonic stallion has no name, but is called Golgotha
That was really good, man. But I am unfamiliar with Morbid Angle.
What?!?!?
It was a joke. He spelled “Angel” wrong.
My good friend Steven Gates. Better. Fucking. Win. Because that is the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my entire life. I shed two tears. Not just one. But two. Beautiful…
I would axe people questions.
I would replicate every Cannibal Corpse album cover and tshirt with Brokencyde, Attack Attack, and the rest of their ilk. If I ran out of bodies, I move on to their families.
*If I ran out of bodies, I’d move on to their families.
(sigh)
I’ll go ahead and add my left hand to the list of targets for incorrectly spelling “I’d.” Such is life.
I would use it to go on Omegle, convince a stranger that I’m Troy from Mastodon, tell them a fake album name (CENTURIES OF THE SCOURGE is what I used), convince them that they could sell the information for money, recommend MetalSucks as a good taker, and 35 minutes later tell them they’re retarded.
ALL WITH A FUCKING AXE
For the record I said Troy not Tracy.
Use it in my audition to be an extra on the next Amon Amarth tour.
I would kill you with it then take the statue AND the shirt.
I would shave my balls with it.
Well considering that the thing is made of plastic and small as fuck, I would probably throw it away….
I would put strings on it and play it. Like an axe. Hardy-har-har.
I would use the metal axe to destroy horrible poser bands and then pillage small Norwegian villages while listening to traditional black metal and melodic death metal. After that I’d chase after Lars Ulrich with the battle axe. Then, with Jack Black, I’d propose to decapitate Oli Sykes… but thats a bit too rough and in the end I’d just end up breaking his drumset while he cries about it. Then… finally… I would place the great statue upon my desk and listen… to what we all share in common here… METAL! And not bad metal… the good type. no hard rock… no crunkcore… no rap…. no country… nothing but METAL!
Yeah… I went there.
Record a pilot for the next dumb-as-fuck discovery lumberjack show: Brutal L-Jacks.
I’d get a bunch of hot chicks and make a bad deodorant commercial.
I’d hew the guitars of Flyleaf in half.
I would dress up as a clown with a five-sizes two large sweater, and infiltrate the Juggalo forces, silently assassinating each and everyone one of them, preventing an emo-maniacal society from developing any further, halted the spread of their “hood.” Second on the agenda would be to throw it through entire legions of Hanna Montana and Jonas Brothers fans, wiping out future generations of idiocy, saving our culture from the synthesized life they wish to build of fake tenniebopper idols who really have very little musical talent at all, and are just pawns in the recording company game. The leads me the the recording companies themselves, who may, or may not, be spared depending on which artists they market. Finally, like any true metal fan, I will use my devilishly long tounge to lick the blade of the axe, before I run it through the innards of both angels and demons, and taking concubines on my way.
But if I die in the process, due to some horrid twist of fate, originating from probably signing my soul over for being able to use this axe, I’ll make sure to pass it onto Steven Gates, who used all the band names in his response, since he beat me to it. He will know what to do.
may you ride on the Winds of Plague to Poison the Well of todays “music” fans. We will be the ones Culling the Weak, our cry “Destroy Destroy Destroy.” We shall be the initiators to what will be know as the Dance Club Massacre, for we will bring about pop music’s Darkest Hour. God Forbid they try and oppose, for only an Exodus would be a wise choice.
Two words (possibly 1.5): Juggalo-kabab.
First I’d find a kid practicing his crab core stance at his house.When he/she isn’t looking I’d punch them in their jeans.Then I would sharpen my Eddie Riggs special edition axe with his/her teeth.Next I’d cut their balls/tits off & feed em to their homosexual ferret (yes the ferret is gay.Why?well duh look at the owners)The ferret gets pissed because the ball sack/titties taste like fish sticks & mascara.When the ferret jumps for my throat in retaliation I swat it out of the air with the crab kids Cute Is What We Aim For record.The shards stick in the ferrets flesh causing it to convulse.Just like a scene out of Gremlins the ferret begins to transform into a monster of some sort.I rear back my axe ready to decapitate this monster when suddenly there is a loud boom.The boom knocks me through the crab cunts wall of emo posters.When I come to I begin to hear the beautiful sound of Suffocation’s “Pierced From Within”.After the smoke clears low and behold there isn’t a monster but the Ironheade-Eddie Riggs,Kill Master & Lars!After drinking 55 kegs of beer,fucking 300 woman & listening to the new Slayer we head to the Attack Attack concert where we start a real mosh pit.While the karate kids are distracted from our metal awesome-ness when begin to disembowel the band,the crew & especially the crowd with our flaming axes.The world is now a world painted in blood \m/
If I had the axe I would NOT go on a murderous rampage. I mean, that’s so cliche. I’d kill a few scene kids, sure, but that’s not really a murderous rampage, that’s a service to mankind. What I WOULD do, however, is use it for entirely practical applications. Chopping wood, opening cans, slicing steak, and such.
Oh, wait, no. I’m pretty sure I’d just kill scene kids with it; though slicing steak is pretty metal… If the steak was raw.
I’d use it to sever Gary Suarez from this blog.
Give Scott Stapp a taste of his own medecine
douche
I’d probably kill Jack Black.
I drop the shield and grab my axe
A weapon in each fist
The first blow makes the helmet crack
The axe cut to the teeth
I rip the axe from the head
Covered in blood and brains
Leave the body lying dead
Ready to strike again
– amon amarth
thats what i would do
you are officially awesome. i was JUST listening to that song in the car like 20 minutes ago
I’d dip my balls in it.
let’s just say those douchebag customers in the lumber yard won’t be complaining anymore…
i’d chop down my fathers cherry tree and start my own fuckin government
I would create a rift in the space time continuim in which terrible bands like Oceana, Oceano, Black Veil Brides, and all bands relating to CrabCore, get sucked into it. This parallel universe where the bands were sucked into, would be called Uganda. This is where we must send these terrible bands to stop them from polluting our youth and ears. Once there, the native’s on Planet Uganda would enjoy these bands at first, thinking, “this is different” but when they finally see the crab people dance, they would soon realize that these bands were not only terrible, but needed to be put to sleep. The natives in the Tribe Rgousnes (known for mastering the art of selling out,) would attack, and a battle of the bad bands began. These bad bands fought for around 15 minutes, before the fat lesbian singers and bad ukulele players of the shitty crab core bands(Which side was this again?) gave up and asked the question,
Umm, like what do you mean?
And all of this would happen, should i acquire a Brutal Legend piece of Merchandise.
id kill fred durst
I’d kill the guy who came-up with the URL for this site.
I’d use it to attract ladies. Cuz chicks dig dudes that collect action figures, right?
I would throw it at my wall and watch as it sits there, lodged in…
slap some pickups on there and melt the shit out of some faces.
I would find, chop down, and bring you a shrubbery. One that looks nice. And not too expensive.
You’d have to get a second one to form a little path, though.
Give me the god damn figure or ill use it on your filthy website
I would cut watermelons. Yeah I would be the metal Gallagher
I’d get pussy and I’d get weed.
Then I’d be real fucking tempted to destroy all the fuckers on the Disney Channel. Except Demi Lovato, you saved her life by posting about her semi-metalness. But those other bastards just need to die.
I would probably put it in my fish tank since fish aints gots no goods metals to listens to.
incur the wrath of the metal gods on all those who oppose metal with their flurescent t shirts and douche bag music
If I had this statue I’d join Five FInger Death Punch, Limp Bizkit AND Creed and take them all down from the inside. I’d then proceed to use the statues axe to mutilate Slash for buttfucking my childhood. Oh, and then I’d eat some bratwurst, cuz bratwurst is metal as fuck.
Isn’t bratwurst shaped like a “you know what”?
I would gather the most brilliant physicists, mathematicians and engineers on the planet into one giant laboratory like we did with Nazis after World War 2. I would then proceed to threaten their entire families with death until they built me a time machine. Once completed, I would transport back in time to when Jesus Christ was whisked away to Egypt to avoid infanticide. Appearing out of thin air and carrying an axe the likes of the Bronze Age has never seen, with one fell swoop I utterly decimate Christendom before it has the chance to stranglehold the entire planet. Just as soon as I arrived, I vanish into thin air to a world full of sane folks.
Take it to the mall and use it shave in order to get all the girls at the Hot Topic.
I’d pawn it to buy drugs. or use it to kill the other 999 people with that axe, then pawn all of them for 10 times their worth in various markets around the world to buy drugs AND alcohol.
id throw it at George Bush ! ! ! and if i got a pair of them it would have been even better !
I would cut Slash’s hair so that he gets to hear the damage he is doing right now
I’d leave it on the figurine, otherwise we could a metalhead who’s looking like’s he about to slamdunk, which would make him a hipster. And I can’t fap over hipsters.
I’d leave it on the figurine, otherwise we would have a metalhead who’s looking like’s he about to slamdunk, which would make him a hipster. And I can’t fap over hipsters.**
You mean hoopster
I would apply black sorcery of Hades, satanic magick of Lucifer, the wisdom of Odin, and the furiousness of Reign In Blood onto the axe’s ice cold blood-thirsty edge and then I’d make the miniature Eddie Riggs come to life so that he can teach me his ways of asskicking, beerguzzling, shredding, and general metal-ness.
Maybe I’d have to teach him about the beerguzzling though.
I would sell the axe and use the money to buy an identical legendary axe.
Split local hookers in half!
I’d use it to perform a surgery in which I swap James Hetfield and macho man Randy Savage’s vocal chords to see if there would be any difference.
I would chop off my friends head so he would shut the fuck up about beating the game before I did.
I would mount a fucking onslaught against Wall Street with an army of followers all entranced by the coolness of the axe!
I’d kill my neighbors. All of them. Probably the whole town, actually.
I would wield it to hack off Gary Suarez’s hands so I never have to acknowledge Oceano’s existence ever again.
i’d go to the company that’s responsible and make them pay for high school musical!
I’d sell it on ebay, and use the money to buy coke.
I’d chop down the Ulrich family tree…
I would grab that mother, wrap some strings on it and start playing Children of the Grave and get others to follow me into the religon of Jack Black and Black Sabbath
i would give it to GWAR, they use it pretty well onstage…
maybe after beheading the jonas brothers
It would stay next to my bed in case of a zombie attack… Except on Sundays when I need to trim the lawn.
I would Slay! What else?
I would carry it with me at all times and use it for all simple tasks, (ie: opening doors, hailing taxis, getting free drinks) and then once I am good and loaded I would rampage around a My Chemical Romance show because most of the fans are as depressing as the black tear in Brutal Legend.
I would cut the heads off of everyone involved in the running of this fucking website. I fucking HATE you people.
I would decapitate the members of the following bands: brokenCYDE, Attack Attack! + Rosie O’ Donnell, and any other similar band. If I could I would destroy crunk metal and all the shitty number by number death/metal-core bands. Pretty much on anyone who pisses me off.
i would allow that axe to fall.
I’d keep it shiny. Jeez, all of these hateful responses. What’s wrong with a shiny axe?
i’d chain it to my arm and spin around in a “pit” of two stepping scene kids who don’t know what metal actually is.
Jack Black
I would take that ax and hack off my left arm and beat myself over the head with the bloody end just to win this contest. Really.
id off the people behind fox news..
I’d cut the cheese
I believe I would have to castrate the Jonas brothers in one single swipe, spraying the guts and penal remains onto their adoring fans.
You see me lift the axe
It plunges through your shield
You now begin to panic as you see your chances grow slim
Your running through the endless maze
Turn and I’ll be there
A force too strong for you to fight
I’ll see your end tonight
You think you can destroy?
You’d better think again
I am eternal terror my quest will never end
I’ll trap you in the pentagram
And seal your battered tomb
Your life is just another game
For Satan’s night of doom
- “Face the Slayer” [SUH-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER!!!]
I’d walk around with it on my should like a parrot. Then I’d have a parrot on my other shoulder which is trained to yell “DECAPITATIOOOOON!”
I would use the mighty axe on all the government officials (city, state and federal) who keep creating and enforcing these crazy laws that are making our pay checks smaller and smaller and their wallets fatter and fatter, this in turn helps put all my young friends in jail ’cause the cops got nothing better to do than harass them until the social unrest gets too much to bear and causes a new revolution. The state of our government would make our founding fathers sick… can we say “its time for another boston tea party?”
I would stick it in the head of my dick then masturbate so I can cum blood and be brutal just like Chris Barnes!
I would stick it in the head of my dick then masturbate so I can cum blood and be brutal just like Chris Barnes! Then I would find all the Juggalo’s and cut their faces and/or dicks off. Just because they deserve it.
i would probably kill myself…
yea
I would display it proudly by my Grimlock Transformer, and look at it lovingly for about a week, and then remember ever once and a while to take the canned air to it to blow off the huge dust bunnies that have attack him.
I would of course turn it into a battle-guitar, just like Abbath’s in Immortal!
i would use it to slowly and metoculously write a funny entry and win this contest
lol jposhc
I would fucking eviscerate my enemies.
I would dress up like Aabath from imoortal and make the famous immortal pose while holding the axe in some insane fashion
I will end hunger in the world
I’d practice division.
Zil / toid
First off, it would have been nice had you specified the axe we are asked to use.
So since you didn’t, I’ll take it upon myself to use both!
First, I would take the bladed axe and call for the great gods above to send down ultimate strength
to brutalize all that is evil, but when that fails to happen, I’ll take my secondary and melt the faces
of millions with spine shattering arpeggios of mass chaos resulting in a large law suit. Resulting in
a bar with an acoustic guitar, catering to old people, ultimately plotting my disobedience of
the court order forbidding the touch of any electrically charged axe.
Either that or go Opeth and still shred even on the grandpa guitar.
Oh.. and I would use them to get women. Screw body spray, nothing works better than the real deal!!
*enter serious sweeps of both six-string destruction and limb severing iron!!*
I’d create peace in the music world. Through violence. Lots… and lots… of violence.
I would name it Hack Black and cut off the dick of destiny and use it to write the greatest song in the world.
It would be the first of many tools used in my evil plan of world domanation. You shall all bow down to me.
Use it to convince the credit card companies to forgive my debt, That and “influence” the Powerball number selections.
I would use it to chop wood,to build a cabin house for all the crab people to leave in,
after that, i would use it to defend the people who have phobias that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching them…
Kill all that is not metal!!!
I would play some Axe’N'Metal
I would go back in time and slay the sting ray that killed steve Irwin.
Chop wood.
Chop woodchucks. Metal woodchucks.
I would go back in time and murder the guy who killed Dimebag (at the show of course, right before he can climb on stage), followed by the bus that crushed Cliff. (I’d stand in front of him and hold it in front of me, letting it chop through the entire bus). Then I’d join Gwar for a short period because the axe seems like their kind of deal. After after, I’d chop my own dick off because I can’t stop orgasming after having bought Addicted. IT’S A CURSE.
I would go on a rampage and kill everyone in sight
Cut the cheese. get it???
I would defend Mars from the Chinese if I had that rad axe!
i would interrupt kanye west interuppting taylor
The feeling of driving in the Druid Plow listening to Motörhead’s “Back at the Funny Farm” It just feels so right it’s almost wrong.
Have a great day!
-DirtyData
I’d probably go kill a bunch of enchanted squirrels like that gnome from Golden Axe.
It looks like it would make a fantastic back scratcher.
I would write a 70-minute detailed concept album about this very axe and how it come to be in my possession.
Also, I’d probably find a way to use it outside in any situation to freak my neighbors out.
Like car washing. You need an axe for that, right?
I would axe in the morning.
I would axe in the evening.
All over this land…
I’d axe out danger, I’d axe out a warning, I’d axe out love between my brothers and my sisters…
All over this land.
Really.
I’d hang it neatly in my garage for safe storage so that nobody accidentally got hurt.
I would use it to slice the headphone wires from the innocent and cackle maniacly in triumph.
I’d totally use it to cut steak. because steak is so metal.
I would probably drop it and squeal like a girl.
Decoration…and shaving.
Pawn that shit and use the cash to build one of these sweet babies! http://tinyurl.com/yznkgm8
It would hang on my wall in a place of honor, ready and waiting for any time of need.
I’d have the most badass ‘Welcome’ door decoration ever.
Well, since it’s the axe that the figurine is holding, and not an actual life sized one, I won’t be able to do much with it, and I definitely wouldn’t want to break it off the statue. So I’ll just admire the statue as it is, axe included, and set it somewhere on display.
I’d carve another axe. A bigger one.
I would prob rock the shit out of some random people on the street. And by rock I mean melt their faces off with some wicked rifts.
By axe, I’m talking about the guitar of course!
First I’d chop the roof of my car, then I’d just get in the city screaming all around branding my awesome axe B-)
Present it as a coming of age gift to my 7-year-old son.
I would put strings on that axe and turn it into best killing guitar ever – literally! Imagine playing your favourite solo while cutting demons heads off…
Follow the Teddy philosophy of “walk softly and cary a big stick”.
Quit my day job and go looking for some synth heads
Finely cut a nice steak.
Honestly, I am a tiny thing, I would most likely not even be able to pick such an axe up.
I’d use it to tear down the walls of the establishment!
With such a mighty axe i could Decapitate the music i deem “Pussified” such as Muzak, polka and whatever shit that Timberlake fuck sings. Then I would String the axe with the finest unholy strings blessed by Zakk Wylde , Steve Vai and the still badass even beyond the veil of death Dimebag Darrell to create the most evil face-melting axe of all time and space. then I’d call out Satan himself so he can witness the nigh infinite Brutal Metal weapon ever forged…and with but one power cord Satan would then worship me with no flesh upon his unholy mug …because y’know I melted that shit off thoroughly!
I’d get rid of my TV, in it’s place i’d build a shrine to encase the glory of the mighty Seperator.
It will provide me all the entertainment I need, in addition to providing more ‘Fair and Balanced’ news coverage than Fox.
I’d shave my privates… nothing like a wicked metal mohawk on your down-unders.
I’d take that awesome axe and use it to smash our Nintendo Wii and Wii Fit. That gaming system is sooooo NOT metal.
I’d chop a baby in half.
I’d use it to “Kill the Orcs, slay the Orcs, destroy the Orcs” While screaming DECAPITATION!!!!!!!! afterwords I would hang it on my wall.
I’d use it to scare the crap out of the chinchillas.
Hood ornament on a 1968 dodge charger. So metal.
If I won the Brutal Legend figurine I would cut it up into little pieces and inject it into my brain.
if I had the seperator, I would definitely have to hunting….nothing makes you feel more like a man than taking down a bear using a badass axe.
If I had Eddie’s Axe!?
3 Lines.
“Kill the Orcs!”
“Slay the Orcs!”
“Destroy the Orcs!”
While Blasting the soundtrack to Brutal Legend!
Then I’d stack all the bones into a giant demon orc bone pile Shrine thing.
Top it all off with that Kick A, Uber Limited Edition Eddie Riggs Statue!
And the Separator!
DECAPITATION!!
…10 lines…
Gut it – string it – amp it – rock it.
I’d chop up the winner of the statue and then hunt down the shirt winners!
I would challenge Gene Simmons to battle to the death. Then after I win I would have two axes to slay demons with and rock out hard!
I would use cut my toenails with it! Because that would be METAAAAAL!!!
Kill shit.
What would I use the axe for (Assuming it was life sized of course…)? Oh the possibilities are endless….
I guess I use it on all Juggaloes/Juggalettes, wannabe Satanists and Emos across the globe.
Then I’d use it on stupid people.
After all the carnage, I’d sit back, relax, have a smoke and a whisky, and then I might play some videogames.
In all honesty, I haven’t a clue as to what I’d do with such an axe.
I’d totally use The Separator to storm through Double Fine Studios and cleave through walls and security to get to Tim Schafer’s office and demand he make Brutal Legend 2, because that game is far too epic not to have a sequel!
Man if I had that axe I’d use it rip open a portal to a parallel dimension where I could live in a world where millions of copies of Brutal Legend were sold and it blew away re-heated sequel crap like moron warfare…oh and use it to bash in the heads of people who were like “oh noes are tee esss i is too stoopid to play dat” and wouldn’t give the game a chance.
If I had the separator, I would use it to enslave the squirrels, and with their help,I would hunt down all those who dare to defy the metal, behead them and drink a Slurpie in their empty skulls.
Every. Single. Day. Of my life.
I’d split quite a few people I know straight down the middle before conquering the known universe and enslaving mankind.
If I had the Separator, I’d use it for my haircuts since there’s no more metal haircut session than with an axe!
I’d cut the moon in half and laugh as the pieces rained death down on the planet.
I would keep it displayed in the center of my house, firmly embedded in solid stone and challenge guests to pull it out for my daughters hand in marriage or my car or something. And if they did? Well I’d cleave them in twain I suppose. OR I’d totally open up a quaint little family butcher shoppe in town and use it to cut skirt steaks while people watch in amazement.
If I had that little axe without the accompanying figure, I’d do the following awesome things with that mighty, though tiny, bladed weapon.
*Hang it on my mantle
*Use it as a toothpick
*Glue it to the back of my pet, Boo, and make the world’s first “battle hamster”
*Use it as the world’s sharpest spoon
*Wear it as a necklace
*Become a world famous cryptozoologist by using it as proof of the existence of gnomes
*Show it to all my friends to make them jealous
*Use it as the center piece of my shrine to Jennifer Hale
*Put it on my coffee table as a conversation piece
*Make the worlds first “Brutal Mouse Trap”
*Use it in lieu of a needle whenever I need blood drawn
*File my nails with it
*Butter my toast with it
*Get Jack Black to autograph it
*Put it on my key ring
*Use it to win the World Lumberjack Championship
*Make it my excuse to replace the word “ask” with “axe” in all sentences
*Put it in my martinis instead of a the little plastic sword
*Send it to Ozzy so that he may more easily decapitate bats
*Have it be my new bookmark
*Use it to mark the days should I ever be in prison
*Become world famous (again) by chopping down a cherry tree and admitting to it
*Wear it on my lapel
*Take it to my sisters Barbie collection simply to yell “DECAPITATION!” repeatedly
*Keep it next to a miniature blue ox and see if anyone gets the joke
*Use it to chop onions
*Make it my new guitar pick
*Juggle it along with a bowling ball and chain saw
*Give it to that famous 6 inch piano player, should I ever meet him
*Stare at it lovingly for hours
*Use it and a piece of flint instead of a lighter
*Hang it next to my fuzzy dice
*Show it as my excuse for why I’m suddenly wearing an eye patch
*Play a very bloody game of quarters with it
*Build a log cabin with it
*Use it in any and all sacrifices to the Metal Gods
*Hunt down the owner of the rest of the statue, and after disemboweling him with said tiny axe, return the awesome bladed weapon to it rightful place in the hands of Eddie Riggs
You guys comments are good and I’mma let you finish but EDDIE RIGGS HAS THE GREATEST AXE OF ALL TIME
hmmm let me see if i had thee Separator I would first go and slay tons of demons enough to make a huge bon fire then i would make that bon fire and light it up then party arouned it for a wile with piles of chicks and beer and stuff and rouck out of coures Tim Schafer could come he is invited to anything BRUTAL. After all that I would go and defeat the Demon lord and rock with the metal legends.(this being Lemmy, Ozzy, Rob, Dave Mustain, Bruce Dickinson, Randy Rhoads {RIP},Yngwie Malmsteen, and Dimebag Darrell.
Last I would go take picture with me Eddie and the rest of the crew the head bangers the razzor girls all of them and draw Eddie in a cool stance with it cuzz I love drawing lol.
Clearly, the thing to do is to be a lumberjack. Unless you use the lightning or fire axes.
I would slice butter
I’d see it as an excuse to re-enact Monty Python’s lumberjack sketch.
Oh, and maybe actually learn to play guitar or something like that… Yeah…
I would use to to mow my lawn!
I will use it to kill grunts
I’ll use it to kill some twilight-fans
I’d put it in a display case,taking it out every couple weeks to wave at small children and old people,just to mess with ‘em
I would vanquish all those who oppose me in a most feral manner.
Today the university has put a campus-wide smoking ban in effect. I’m a pretty heavy smoker. I would use that axe to sever the legs of a campus cop telling me not to smoke, then I’d slice his face off, and wear it around telling people not to smoke and threatening them with the bloody axe, chain smoking the whole time. Then I’d roll a cigarette with the slice of face. And then I’d sell the axe on ebay. And buy drugs.
I’d use it on all the rude bastards on the roads these days… :)
If I had that axe I would find the little cute neighborhood cats that run around my house and pester me. When I find them I would tie them up and take them into my sacrificial chamber. In there I would chop their heads off with my Eddy Riggs axe sacrificing them to the Metal gods and for the good of my neighborhood. I would also do the same pose as the figurine take a picture of myself doing the pose and make that into a mini figurine and I would put them both over my fireplace.
Se la clavaría en el cráneo al redactor de MetalSucks y le arrebataría una camiseta exclusiva de sus inertes manos.
turn it into a guitar and shred
I would swing the axe vertically over my head. My enemy, which is no doubt terrified by me, would then have the axe go into his head. This would cause him to die and much rejoicing would occur.
call my mom.
I actually already have it and i slay demons with it
Well, what I would do is…
Grab it, go to Mordor, kill a shitload of dragons, orks, and trolls, then find and then cleave Sauron. I would then go to Mount Olympus and slay the evil Kratos and then kill all the remaining gods left standing. Then I’ll proceed to go back in time using THE DeLorian to kill Divculus before he can rise up and do anything, but only after Succoria goes forward in time so that Eddie may live on. I will then indulge in sloth and vice while getting my daily exorcise by killing demons… and THAT is what I would do. :D