Dane Cook, a comedian so devastatingly untalented that he makes terminal cancer look funny by comparison, is collaborating with Tommy Lee, the modern era’s single best argument for using a condom. The two have recorded a track for a new Cook album (I didn’t know there was an old Cook album, but only because I don’t hate myself), and Cook describes the song as  “a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein, a little bit funky, a little jazzy.”

Of course, both Nostradamus and the Mayans predicted such a team-up when they foretold of the apocalypse, and I’d heard that the twist to the upcoming end-of-the-world thriller 2012 was that all the destruction is caused by a Cook-Lee song that’s a little bit in the Jack Johnson vein.

But I thought we had more time. I thought we had more time, damn it!

I won’t be able to do any more posting today. I have to go say farewell to my loved ones, and hopefully get laid one last time, before our world is destroyed forever. Damn you, Cook and Lee! GOD DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

-AR

I mean, come ON! Does anyone, including Perry and Tyler themselves, actually believe that a) Aerosmith will continue on with a different singer, and b) Tyler won’t eventually go back to the band again? For fuck’s sake, what a load of horseshit. Tyler will go off and do his own thing for a year or two and then there’ll be an inevitable “OMG!! Aerosmith is back!! For possibly the last time ever!!!” reunion tour. Can we please just skip the bullshit and stop pretending like this won’t happen?

Shut the fuck up already. For the love of God. Have some damn class. Not like they’ve had a decent album in nearly 20 years anyway.

-VN

UPDATE: Crisis averted! Apparently Steven Tyler made a guest appearance at a Joe Perry gig last night and announced “I am not leaving Aerosmith.” I win! Thanks to Mr. Suarez for the below video.

The Starbucks Incident

Yes, I am going to continue to bitch about Slash. I understand that Slash is not Jimi Hendrix but this might be the single biggest betrayal to my formative years since Metallica released everything they’ve released from Load on, and I need to mourn.

So. Some lady says that the following singers are all on Slash’s new solo album, How Could Taking My Cues from Carlos Santana Possibly Go Wrong? I have added my own thoughts because that’s what we do around here. Click to read more…

I love the end of the year. I mean, I hate the cold fucking weather, I hate the getting fucking dark outside early, I think the holidays are fucking retarded, New Year’s is a total fucking pain in the pass, and then starting in January no good movies come out for a least a month or two. So that all blows.

But the lists… Ah, the lists! So much arguing to be done over what is really just the opinion of one person or possibly a congregation of a few people! Behold as all the frail egos collapse under the need to have their opinion justified by someone they will never admit they perceive as “important” regardless of the fact that everyone eats and breathes and shits the same way! OH MY GOD, I HAVE SEEN THE MADNESS, AND THE MADNESS IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

So. We’re still more than a month away from publishing our own year-end lists here at MetalSucks, but by n0w all those big glossy analog blogs will have collected their staffs’ lists (’cause they gotta get that shit done way in advance, whereas us nerdonauts can procrastinate like we was gettin’ a one-time-only blow job from Bobbie Brown circa 1990), I know of at least one other blog with a looming deadline for all such lists, and now Metal Hammer has proclaimed that “Every day from now until Christmas, we will be revealing a different band/member of a band’s top albums of the year.”

You can see all the lists here. Musicians who have weighed in thus far include Lamb of God’s Chris Adler and Chimaira’s Mark Hunter. Hey, both those dudes were also cool enough to vote in our 21 albums poll! Awesome! So now you can go give Metal Hammer shit for a change.

-AR

It’s easy to be jaded after attending a billion or so live shows, but climbing the hill up to San Manuel Amphitheatre, the site of Cypress Hill’s MetalSucks co-sponsored SmokeOut festival, I was transformed into a gawking greenhorn. (I would soon be treated like one, as well.) Behind my rib cage,  calm battled with rising euphoria, and not only because I stood with a hefty joint in my shoe at the gates of a tri-county puff-athon on the nicest late-October Saturday ever; mostly, I was just tweaking to look in on a magnificent but savagely wounded band at this early stage of recovery. Yes, the SmokeOut would feature the Deftones, who have played around ten shows since an auto accident left their bassist, Chi Cheng, in a coma. And despite the puzzling news that to-be sixth album Eros had been shelved, the band already had been showing positive signs and seemed poised to reintroduce themselves via a violent new song (“Rocket Skates”) and a spritely, newly-slimmed singer (the gossip had Chino Moreno at anywhere between twenty and eighty pounds lighter). Exciting!

Two hours later, right before the Deftones took the stage, night had fallen, the denizens of the cheap seats waded ankle-deep in litter, and I was pissed off as shit.

Click to read more…

I’m still shocked about the unbelievably terrible tragedy that occurred this past weekend — Georgia-born Brooklyn fixture, masterful metronomic drummer Jerry Fuchs (Maserati, Turing Machine, !!!, The Juan Mclean, and more) fell down an elevator shaft late Saturday night and died shortly thereafter.

My interactions with Jerry were minimal, but every time we spoke I felt an overwhelming sense of kindness that informed me right away how good a person I was talking to. Even the first time we briefly met, I found Jerry to be so affable that we ended up deeply laughing at something or another like we had been friends since the 2nd grade. These are the types of people that we should always hope to surround ourselves with, and obviously the incredible news of his untimely death seems just plain wrong.

Before I ever met the man, I was a HUGE fan from afar — the first time I ever saw the fiery robo-prog band Turing Machine, there was no question from the beginning moments of the first song that the drummer up there was something extra-special. He played with such intensity and restraint, and witnessing Jerry’s talents behind the kit often reminded me how strong a musician can be simply with extreme precision, power, and spirit. For anyone who has ever seen him play live, you know how quickly he could get a crowd dancing and furthermore, how hypnotic the most straightforward basic rock beat always became in his hands.

Not to mention his crispy technique — those one-handed filles were deliciously ridiculous.

I can’t help but feel like the world has been robbed of a magnificent talent that was sure to have grown and grown to neo-Bonham-like status. But I also feel honored to have heard the music and met the man for a few fleeting conversations — whether it was down at SXSW or running into him at the music store up here in Brooklyn, every single conversation and live set I was ever fortunate enough to experience left me feeling a little better.

It seems friends and fans will be gathering this Thursday night at Enid’s in Greenpoint, Brooklyn at 7pm for an impromptu gathering to memorialize this legendary talent.

Links and videos after the jump.

Click to read more…

I know that opinions about Slash are decidedly mixed. Some people never liked Guns N’ Roses, or hate Slash’s Snakepit, or hate Velvet Revolver, or whatever – I bet that of the five people who remember what the fuck Slash’s Blues Ball was, at least two or three of them hate that, too.

But nothing – and I mean absolutely, unarguably NOTHING – that Slash has ever done has been as bad as this re-recording of “Paradise City” with Cypress Hill and Fergie Methfacerson:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DID ANYONE REALLY THINK IT WAS OKAY TO BEGIN ANY VERSION OF “PARADISE CITY” WITH A RAPPER SAYING “YES YES Y’ALL?” IS THIS ONE OF THE BEST HARD ROCK ANTHEMS EVER, OR A FUCKING LIMP BIZKIT SONG?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID FERGIE END UP NOT BEING THE WORST PART OF THIS?!?!

If I was Duff McKagan – who actually wrote the main riff for “Paradise City” – I would kick Slash in the nuts. And then, when he was doing on the ground clutching his bruised testicles, I’d kick him again, and demand that this recording can only be released if done so under the title “Paradise Shitty.”

This re-recording, which makes me wish I was a fan of Disturbed or Drowning Pool so that I’d feel a little more dignified than I do for supporting Slash, comes from a two-song CD single that was released in Japan this week. After the jump is the other song from the single, “Sahara,” which features some Japanese vocalist I’ve never heard it. It’s also a terrible song, but at least it a) doesn’t rape any of my childhood memories and leave them weeping on the cold tile floor and b) has a guitar solo that sounds like every other Slash guitar solo, which is okay because I love Slash guitar solos.

Click to read more…

Check out the official website for the band Rusty Eye. The entire premise of the website is a set of three video screens — each focusing on one of the three band members — which play simultaneously and show the band performing… the entire record. They’re not just static camera angles either; each screen switches angles periodically to keep things interesting. If the band wanted to take it to the next level they would’ve allowed the viewer to control the switching of camera angles; but alas, that’d probably be really fucking expensive to produce and code.

I’m not too hot on the band’s vocal approach, but their music is pretty decent progressive thrash (if there’s such a thing). Moreso I just wanted to point out the website, which I think is a really cool idea. I wish more bands would spend the time to develop creative ideas like this to market their music on the web.

-VN

Here’s Zakk Wylde talking to Tartarean Desire a few years back… I’ve added some emphasis:

“What would be a good career move is to get Eminem to sing on a Black Label album. It would stir up some controversy with the Hell’s Angels of Iron if you had Eminem rapping on a Black Label album. I go first off I hate fucking rap music, so what the fuck would I want to have that mother fucker singing on my fucking album… Because he is popular?”

And here’s Zakk ranting about rap and rap metal back in 2006:

Of course, ideals are nothing in the face of a paycheck. And so here we are, it’s almost 2010, and Zakk Wylde has recorded a guest guitar solo on Public Enemy’s “Bring the Noise 20XX” for DJ Hero, a video game for people who think that Guitar Hero is too sophisticated.

Click to read more…

The MetalSucks proverbial wet-dreams of early ’08 (we have a lot of ‘em) — aka The Ocean, aka The Ocean Collective, aka Robin Staps, aka NOT this horrible band or this even horribler band — have posted an update on their MySpace page [sent to us by MS reader "grobi wunder"] announcing they’ve found a new vocalist. As we reported a month ago, The Ocean have been in the studio working on a new album; but as it turns out, they’re actually working on TWO albums, a suitable move after 2007′s two-disc ball-buster Precambrian:

“Ladies and Gentleman,

after many weeks in the dark, THE OCEAN have finally found a new vocalist.
“We are happy to announce Mr. Loïc Rossetti as tour new vocalist. “We are looking forward to weeks and months of intense touring in the future and a new era in the story of our lives!”, comments Robin Staps.

“Having Loïc in the band enables me to do what I’ve always been wanting to do with this band. His voice is strong and expressive and his variety of tone and the ease with which he switches between different vocal styles really amazing. There are no limits anymore. His screams are devastating, but his most valuable quality is his singing voice, which we will employ much more on the upcoming album”.

Read the rest of the news post, including info about the TWO new albums (to be released separately, not together as Precambrian was), after the jump.

Click to read more…

You know how I know things aren’t all terrible in the metal world right now? The people who run iTunes think there’s enough money to be made that they’ve now created an entire metal section.

Click to read more…

We’re a mere week away from the release of Addicted, the awesome new album by The Devin Townsend Project, and I imagine that all those pre-orders are gonna start shipping any second now.

So here’s video of Devin signing 2,000 of those pre-orders, plus adding his own special little touches to the booklets. I’m sure that this was a) boring as fuck for Devin and b) put a real strain on his hand, so I think it’s pretty awesome to see how much work he put into making these physical copies something really special for his fans.

You can still pre-order Addicted here, although I think (I could be wrong) that the super-deluxe awesome editions with Devin’s personally hand-drawn O cards are all gone. But even still, this record kicks major ass, and you should buy a copy.

Also, don’t forget that Devin will be part of the Incredibly Unbelievably Orgasm Inducing Tour 2010 with Between the Buried and Me, Cynic, and Scale the Summit. You can get tour dates here.

Addicted comes out November 17 on InsideOut. And if you’re really, really well-behaved for the rest of the week, we’ll have a special surprise that day to coincide with the release.

-AR

Last week I solicited suggestions for awesome bands with female members that we don’t routinely write about here at MS, and a bunch of you obliged. So now I’m gonna try and actually listen to some of these bands over the next few days.

Ludicra was the very first band suggested, but the reader known as “lo;” Arthur von Nagel of Cormorant and sometimes MetalSucks and then Ziltoid chimed in with their seal of approval, too. Then last night the band came up again when we got a press release announcing that Ludicra are “putting the finishing touches” on their fourth full-length album, The Tenant, which will be out on Profound Lore in March 2010.

So, yeah. Let’s start with Ludicra.

Click to read more…

Covering Necrophagist on any instrument would be pretty impressive… their music is very technical to say the least. But the tricky part here, as far as ukuleles go, is that they aren’t tuned like guitars; they’re tuned (bottom to top) GCEA, meaning you can’t just take the guitar line and play it on the same strings on a uke. I’m guessing this fine chap’s first instrument is guitar (although that’s just a gander) meaning he had to learn it on guitar and then transpose it into a different tuning and re-learn it on the uke. That’s really fucking impressive! If you’re wondering why the normally placid ukulele sounds all keyboard-y here, it’s because it’s an electric uke played through (I’m guessing) a midi controller.

Apologies to whoever submitted this video, as I can’t find the email/comment… but you know who you are, so I thank you!

-VN

Dan Lilker is, to use a technical term, a badass motherfucker. As a founding member of Anthrax and un-PC crossover thrashsters S.O.D. and longtime bassist for Nuclear Assault, he had a significant hand in keeping metal filthy in a time when toy poodle hair and Day-Glo spandex were the norm. With deathgrind innovators Brutal Truth and grind supergroup Venomous Concept, he helped build upon the metal he himself innovated, synthesizing punk and hardcore in a way only someone with a true understanding of both could do. A prolific sideman in a lot of awesome/important bands (as well as a pretty decent bassist), Lilker is perhaps one of metal’s great unsung heroes. So, in theory, he’s entitled to a dud album by a lackluster band every now and again. And Crucifist, his shot at black metal, certainly tests his lifetime pass. And though its failures aren’t what plague other prominent musicians’ ill-fated black metal side projects – a lack of understanding of the genre and/or the inability to decide whether it’s paying tribute to or taking the piss out of it – that doesn’t stop Crucifist from being ultimately incredibly dull overall.

Click to read more…

“Builtforsin” got all riled up in the comments of yesterday’s Axl-penned post about James Lomenzo’s stint in White Lion. Seems Mr. sin isn’t too fond of our posts about ’80s hair metal:

Can we get over this pussy 80’s throwback/hair metal band/musical disaster fuckfest you guys got going on over the last few days and get to some shit people care about. I understand news is slow but FUCK. This shit is horrible. Maybe take a day off so you can save up an article or two of some not queer shit? Review an album, SOMETHING? You guys get less metal everyday.

Hey, builtforsin, guess what? FUCK YOU! It’s our site and we’ll post whatever we damn well please! I’m not even into White Lion — like, at all — but just because you asked, here’s some video footage of White Lion guitarist Vito Bratta shredding it up live in 1988. At least commenters “braincake” and “columbo” knows what’s up.

-VN

…because if you do, I’d really like this Dio denim jacket. That would be fucking rad.

-GS

[Gary Suarez is like a rainbow in the dark. He usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]

If you can tell me which of the following is the cover art for the new album by Fear Factory – or the baby-eating Fear Faction, or C&B Music Factory, or whatever the fuck we’re going to refer to them as from now on – then you care too much.

Click to read more…

Our number one priority here at MetalSucks is to mercilessly rip into bands we think are terrible, even when they don’t necessarily deserve to be teased. But a very close second priority is to promote bands we think are awesome. And sometimes, those bands aren’t signed (yet).

Once such band is The Binary Code. If you’ve read this site for awhile, you know we have a lotta love for New Jersey’s premiere unsigned genre-benders. You also know that sometimes we get ambitious, and decide to, say, do an industry poll to see which albums have been the most popular this century, or have everyone who writes for the site review the new Metallica album on the same day, or actually get a review up when we say we will.

And thus, feeling ambitious about trying to promote an unsigned band we love, we had a crazy idea: let’s do a digital-only release on MetalSucks for Suspension of Disbelief, the new album from The Binary Code. And so, on December 15, we are going to do just that.

Now, let’s be clear: we’re not trying to be a record label, and we have no illusions of getting rich off this release – in fact, it’s entirely possible that this will be the first and last time we try something like this. But The Binary Code are a band we really love and believe in, and we’d heard some rough mixes of the album and really thought that the music was something special. And so we decided to try and help put new music out there in the world for once, instead of just being professional appreciators (or detractors, as is so often the case). We’re in that rare position where we can try to get TBC’s music to the public, and so we’re going to do just that.

So mark December 15 in your calendars. Suspension of Disbelief is a kick-ass album, and we’re thrilled to be involved. We hope you dig it as much as we do.

-Axl & Vince

Dear Oceano: congratulations! You are now only the second worst group to add a vowel to the end of the word “ocean” and use that as your band name.

This video by the band Oceana (yes, Oceana) is only interesting for about three seconds. I suggest you skip to the ten second mark, and then turn the video off around the thirteen second mark. Because what really fascinates me about this video is the following quesiton: How many takes do you think they had to do of everyone starting to headbang all at once like that? I bet somewhere there are at least a half dozen takes where one of the band members starts too soon or too late. In fact, I think it’s fascinating that the singer is the only member of the band who doesn’t partake in the synchronized rockin’ out… or any rockin’ out during the rest of the video. It’s as though he were too stupid to take even the slightest direction, so whomever was in charge decided “Let’s not have him move at all and people will think it’s part of the ‘meaning’ of the video!”

I hope this is just the latest in a trend of bands using a completely fake and meaningless variation on the word “ocean” – we can have Oceani, Oceanu, Oceany,and a few dozen other bands that were too lazy to use an actual word as their band name.

-AR

Thanks to Samuel A. Favata for the tip.