We’ve been talking about making MetalSucks merch almost as long as there’s been a MetalSucks, and “When can I buy a shirt?” is easily one of the questions we’re asked most frequently (along with “When is Completely Unreadable Band Logo coming back?” and “Why are you guys such assholes?”). Well, the day has arrived at last – MetalSucks shirts and hoodies are here!

There are four different styles, which were graciously designed for us by Rodney Githens from Vertebrae 33, Sergeant D from Metal Inquistion and Stuff You Will Hate (check out his flickr page for more design work!), and Jesse Zuretti from The Binary Code. Everything will start shipping two weeks from today, but you can place pre-orders now.

Check out the various designs after the jump… we hope you’re as stoked on ‘em as we are!

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I really like the Rockstar Mayhem Festival – it’s like someone went to Ozzfest and figured out a way to make it way better. Having two side-by-side second stages was a stroke of genius; there’s no downtime in-between bands, because one act can set up while another plays. The mainstage has been solid, too, although there’s always one co-headliner that’s totally missable – in other words, Disturbed and Marilyn Manson played those slots. But so have Slayer, Mastodon, and a bunch of other great bands, so there’s that.

Well, our pals at Metal Insider are reporting a few rumors as to whom might be on this year’s fest, and it looks as though the skipable band this year may very well be Korn.

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Salome, who are both a) one of our favorite doom bands and b) one of our favorite live bands, played the Relapse showcase at CMJ last month, and, as is so often the case, our brostafas at Metal Injection where there to capture some awesome live footage. Check it out:

-AR

In September we saw Alice in Chains play a pretty amazing show, and it looks like we’ll get a chance to see ‘em again in March: the band has announced a headlining North American tour, scheduled to begin in February.

If you’ve never seen AIC live, you need to. Even without Layne Staley, they kick ass in a major way. And now that Black Gives Way to Blue has been out for awhile, hopefully they’ll start to incorporate more new material into their set.

Dates after the jumperooni.

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Says Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman in his weekly Soundscan roundup, “There are only a few things that are certain: death, taxes, and a TSO album every other Christmas or so.” And so, as the holiday season fast approaches, last week saw strong sales from TSO’s latest amongst a bunch of greatest hits collections,  boxsets and various other re-packagings… de rigeur for this time of year.

Not a lot of metal made this week’s charts, but the latest releases from Alice in Chains, Slayer, Dethklok and others continued to sell well. Don’t expect much in the way of big metal releases between now and the end of year (except, of course, for The Binary Code’s Suspension of Disbelief which is going to obliterate every sales record in the history of EVER), so this column may go dormant for a little while.

Check out last week’s complete sales run-down at Metal Insider.

-VN

…we totally didn’t get to help promote Reign in Blonde’s Hottest Chicks in Metal Bracket on Tuesday ’cause some dude named Devin Townsend took over our site for the day (the big jerk!). But  Vince, Gary Suarez, and myself (plus a bunch of other cool people) all participated, so you should definitely check it out.

There’s a slight twist to this particular game, which most of you should be able to pick up on pretty quickly. Those of you who can’t pick up on it are probably Burzum fans.

-AR

I’m not sure what the what is the difference between Peta and Peta 2, other than Peta makes awesome ads like this one…

…and Peta 2 makes less awesome ads like this one:

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So the first Exhorder reunion show went off, apparently without a hitch, this past weekend in Jefferson, Louisiana. We weren’t there, unfortunately, but hopefully there will be a full tour soon – the band is working on new material, after all, and I assume they plan to promote it.

After the jump are a couple of photos, from some named “firebaugh” at NolaUnderground.com. There are also a bunch more at Blabbermouth. Kind of amazingly, I can’t find any footage on YouTube – if anyone comes across any, please let us know!

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So says MS reader Dan W. about the band Soreption in an incredibly stoned email he sent us last night. And I can’t disagree… that is exactly what Soreption sounds like! Thanks for doing my job for me, Dan. Since I had so much fun goofing off while Devin ran the site on Tuesday, maybe we’ll just go ahead and give Dan W. his own day too. My bong’ll be ready.

While we’re talking about prog/tech/death Readers’ Choice bands, I may as well throw a bone to Dismal Lapse who have been totally rocking my world this week. Says longtime reader / first time caller Ben Nope, “It’s really impressive stuff in the vein of Necrophagist or The Faceless, but most impressive is the fact that they are a three-piece and the drummer does the vocals.  Oh, and there’s an awesome new album that just came out called Eon Fragmentation.  Use your powers and MAKE IT KNOWN.” Consider it done, Ben.

-VN

Venezuelan metallers Noctis Imperium just independently released their Imperium EP, and we’re happy to be able to offer one the EP’s strongest tracks “Descensus Ad Inferos” as a free download. Noctis Imperium’s brand of blackened death metal isn’t necessarily anything you haven’t heard before, but they’re as solid a band of this type as I’ve heard in some time; think Marduk, Belphegor, or hell, even the heavier elements of Enslaved, with some death and thrash influence thrown in as well. The Imperium EP offers five tracks of well put-together, punishing yet approachable and intricate black metal flavored by elements of brutal death with an intangible artsy element. Check out “Descensus Ad Inferos” below, then listen to more on the band’s MySpace page.

Noctis Imperium – “Descensus Ad Inferos”

-VN

Either something’s in the water at the Season of Mist offices or they’ve got some new personnel over there that’s movin’ and shakin’; in the past 1+ years, a label that has recently specialized in mostly European metal farther from the beaten path has signed Cynic, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and now Morbid Angel. Not that these acts are likely to headline the Rockstar Mayhem Yadda Yadda Tour anytime soon, but by most standards they’re much more “mainstream” than the label’s previous fare. All of which “previous fare” is quite good, by the way; I wrote a piece about some of Season of Mist’s lesser known bands a while back.

Check out a clip of the new song “Nevermore” filmed earlier this year below [via Blabs] for maximum ass kickage. Then, to counterbalance with a good laugh, check out Season of Mist’s laughably stuck in 1998 website, replete with bad flash, animated .gifs, cheesy imagery and pop-up windows (I recommend both the “light html” AND “heavy flash” versions for some solid lulz!).

-VN

And on that note, I’m done for the day. See ya tomorrow.

-AR

Anyone remember this from a couple of years back?

Well that Taco Bell isn’t too far from the Mansion, and I’m ashamed to admit, but sometimes, in moments of stoned weakness, I purchased food there. But ever since that little incident, I haven’t eaten at a Taco Bell; I can’t. I know that ALL fast food is crap, but come ON, a man has limits.

Still, I guess it’s nice of them to start this whole “Feed the Beat” program, in which they basically give touring bands $500 worth of diarrhea food for free. And now Metal Insider is reporting that a handful of metal bands – including Atreyu, Iwrestledabearonce, Whitechapel, Municipal Waste and Earthless – are rumored to have been selected for the offer.

And as Metal Insider says, “tour support is tour support” – so I don’t blame the bands for participating. And the dudes in The Waste are probably fucked up half the time anyways, so they won’t be able to tell the difference. Meanwhile, Atreyu have been spewing crap forth from their mouths for years, so they might as well put some back into their mouths for a change.

-AR

P.S. I wanna give extra credit to Metal Insider, not just for originally reporting on this story, but for coming up with a headline that is vastly superior to my own. Nice work, Bram!

They call that beard a “cum catcher.”

So Varg Vikernes was released from prison earlier in ’09 after serving a sixteen year stint for murdering his band mate, Øystein Aarseth, AKA “Euronymous.” If episodes of Oz, and just about every other television show, movie, or book ever made about life in prison, are to be believed, than we can safely assume that during that time he had sex with men. Whether he was a top or a bottom is not relevant, despite what some redneck asswipes would have you believe; engaging in sexual activities with a member of your own sex is, by its very definition, homosexual.

I think Varg really enjoyed doin’ the deed with dudes – I mean, look how happy he is in that picture! – but I guess his religious guilt (because, let’s be real, he can protest Christianity all he wants, but all anti-homosexual sentiment is based in organized religion) must be getting the best of him, because he’s just released the following statement about the new Burzum album, subtlely titled Den Hvite Guden, which means – wait for it – The White God:

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Ever heard that Behemoth have breaks built into their set so they can run off stage and do some corpse paint touch-ups? To be fair, I’m not sure if the person who told me that was being honest or just joshin’ me, but it makes sense – the band definitely runs off stage from time to time, leaving the crowd to listen to pre-taped orchestral apocalyptic goodness.

True or not, it doesn’t change the fact that Behemoth absolutely crushed in their too-brief set on this past summer’s Rockstar Mayhem Yadda Yadda tour, or the fact that we were looking forward to seeing them do a proper headlining set. So now they’ve finally announced a tour – with Septic fucking Flesh, no less – and it’s hitting NYC the same night as the BTBAM/Cynic/Devin Townsend/Scale the Summit Orgasm Tour. I don’t know what rocket scientists set that up, but now metal fans in our area will have a tough decision to make. We are going to the Orgasm Tour, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish there were multiple mes, like in that awful Michael Keaton movie.

ANYWAY, here are dates for the Behemoth tour. We envy those of you who can make it.

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Some unorganized observations about this video by Australian shredder lady Orianthi, sent to me by Zena Metal:

• Is that a sequined PRS? Good lord! Hideous.
• What’s with the guitar neck protruding out into all the shots? Is that an attempt to relate to the Guitar Hero generation? If so, how come none of it matches up with the song??
• She can definitely play!
• Nice dive bomb at the 3:00 mark.
• Apparently she was to be Michael Jackson’s guitarist for his This Is It shows. Eddie Van Halen… Steve Stevens… Slash… Orianthi. Hmmm. That’s some pretty righteous company.
• So many 12 year old dudes are going to have raging hard-ons for her. 12 year old Vince would’ve been ALL over this!
• All things considered, this isn’t bad. It’s middle of the road guitar/power pop made for tweens. Even if not for the shred it’d still be alright. If kids are listening to this over Ashley Tisdale, that’s a step in the right direction. But hey, this coming from the guy who genuinely enjoyed Avril Lavigne’s first record… so don’t trust me too much.

-VN

Reader Samuel Favata sent us the below video with the assurance that “No this is NOT BMTH!”

Then I had to Google “BMTH” to find out what the fuck BMTH is.

Anyways, this band is actually called Miss May I. I actually thought the opening riff was pretty cool if totally standard death metal shit, but then the singing started…

-AR

Well, we didn’t, and neither did Metal Injection, who have four clips from the gig. Their footage successfully conveys how awesome the show was; it does not successfully convey that the basement at the Cake Shop (where the show took place) was hot enough to melt the corpse paint off your face and then some. So I guess you should be grateful that you can watch them from the comfort of someplace climate-controlled.

Check out the other clips here.

-AR

I want to take a shit in your mouth.

Why does this song sound so familiar? Oh, yeah:

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So were pretty stoked about Hypocrisy’s upcoming U.S. tour with Children of Bodom’s Alexi Laiho playin the leed gee-tar, but then it looked like U.S. immigration might derail the whole thing. And now they have.

A very brief statement from the band reads:

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