Before I begin telling you this story, I need to give you some background.

Lita Ford is married to Jim Gillette, a.k.a. “that dude from Nitro who could supposedly break glass with his vocals.”

Lita used to look like this:

And Jim used to look like this:

And now they look like this:

With me so far? M’kay, good.

So. Recently this married couple decided to make love (burrr… even writing that phrase ironically gives me douche chills). That’s fine. That’s their right. I hope all married couples enjoy sex well into old age.

But I also hope most of them don’t tweet vivid descriptions of what ensued, as Lita Ford apparently did. Read her tweets after the jump, courtesy Sleaze Roxx:

- If I told you what happened tonight – you wouldn’t believe me!!!! Cops showed up – what a mess! WoW!

- ah hahahahahaha So me and Big Daddy settled in for some Mommy and Daddy time. I got the royal massage. Back, ass, legs, toes, tits….

- We move to the bed as we do… BD starts riding me like a madman… He literally f***s me right through the bed!

- The alarm goes off from the loud noise of the wood busting through.

- So Jim gets off me and shuts off the alarm. FRANTICLY!!! He grabs the chord-less phone – thinking ahead!

- He runs back in our bedroom and says let’s try it again! We get on the bed and he gets 2 thrusts in and an even bigger noise and drop makes him realize that the bed is dead!

- So now BD wants me in the swing… That’s always nice so no problem!

- So he puts me in the swing.. Has the phone next to him on the massage table. The phone rings. It’s Vicky Blue! We are both ready to explode

- Big Daddy answers because he thinks it’s the alarm company!

- Tells Vicky “I’ll call you back”!

- We finish round 3 for me and 2 for Big Daddy (or Meat Whistle) as I call him.

- JG gets me a towel as I’m over flowing… Puts his shorts on and goes to his office. Just in time for the police to knock on our door!

- He answers the door and tells the police how the glass break alarm was set off. They don’t believe this tattooed madman and ask for his ID. Now they believe him….

- The bed is trashed! The police are pissed! Me and Big Daddy are satisfied… Even if our bed isn’t!

- God bless America and God save the queen… You f***s aint got nothing on the Gillettes! hahahahaha! OOOOPS! Damn alarm company did NOT call!

- We SO wish we would have been filming tonight! This is the magic! WoW!

Now, a friend recently gave me shit because I said I wouldn’t have sex Tawny Kitaen today – in other words, not Tawny when she looked like this…

…but Tawny who now looks like this:

I really never found Lita Ford attractive (probably in no small part because I always thought that her music blows – no pun intended), but I feel the same way about sleeping with her in 2009 that I do about sleeping with Tawny in 2009 – I don’t wanna have sex with someone just because she’s famous, and while there are older women I find attractive, none of them look like they’ve been through the ringer a few too many times the way Tawny and Lita do. (I don’t ever need to hear a description of a 51 year old woman’s vagina, but if I do, I really, really, really do not need it to include the phrase “over flowing.”) And the fact that is a blatant publicity grab – Lita might as well walk around wearing a shirt that says “DOESN’T ANYONE STILL FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?!?!” – doesn’t help.

In conclusion: I’m happy for Lita and Jim that they love each other, I’m happy that they still enjoy fucking, but for the love of Christ, I wish they’d keep it to themselves.

-AR