Any site that lovingly mocks metal is automatically a friend of MetalSucks. Music satire paper The Umpteenth Times, which I just discovered last night — billing itself as “Music News That’s Fit to Fake” — apparently has a bunch of metalhead writers in their midst. Recent satire pieces have Anthrax being vaccinated for H1N1, Dave Mustaine winning the Mega Millions, and this gem about Metallica sell-out denial:

Burlington, VT—According the results of a study conducted at the University of Vermont at Burlington, 1 out of every 10 Metallica fans still refuses to admit the band sold out and no longer have the musical vitality they once possessed. 23,000 fans overall were surveyed and findings showed that 230 of them were still under the impressions that the band had the “musical goods,” as the researchers stated.

“To be honest, I was pretty surprised the number was that high,” said Professor Hans Crackley, Head of the Social Science Department at the University. “Even my mother, who is seventy-eight years old, knows about Metallica and thinks the band sold when The Black Album came out. Know if that’s the case, how is it possible that these fans, who have been listening to the band for over twenty years, have not been able to admit that?”

Professor Crackley’s assistant in the study, Brenda Hartsnerdcht, claims that the fans are in “a state of denial that is unmatched in our culture.”

Head on over to The Umpteenth Times for more tomfoolery. See also: “Scorpions to Rock You Like A Small Gust of Wind” and “Blind Man Gains Sight, Didn’t Know Black Sabbath Were White.”

-VN