Anyone who says 2009 wasn’t an amazing year for metal is just being cynical for the sake of being cynical. And me telling you you’re too cynical is like Chris Holmes telling you you have a drinking problem.

Wanna know how good 2009 was? Every writer in metal is bitching and moaning about how hard it was to make a year-end list – but no one can seem to agree on which record was the best of the year. There weren’t two MetalSucks writers who agreed, and Decibel chose a different album from Revolver who chose a different album from Noisecreep who chose a different album from The Onion who chose a different album from your mom, and so on and so forth. There is no consensus. Chaos reigns.

But no one felt particularly wrong to me. I’ve been crying over making this list for months now. There’s so many good records I’m just not gonna get to pay tribute to, and even the final order in which I’m listing these albums is semi-arbitrary; I’m not convinced that one is really better than any of the others. But fuck it, shit happens. And so:

1. The Red Chord, Fed Through the Teeth Machine (Metal Blade)

Yeah, I know. I’m kinda surprised, too! I gave this album four out of five horns when I first reviewed it, and within a week, I was pretty sure I’d underrated it. And then I realized I was listening to it, like, a lot. Like, twice a day every day for a couple of weeks. I lost an hour of my life just listening to “Hour of Rats” on repeat, and then I lost another hour listening to “Embarrasment Legacy,” and then another hour on “Mouthful of Stones.” This album won’t stop beating my ass, but that’s okay, it doesn’t mean to hurt me. You just don’t know it like I do. Every time I listen to it, I notice something I never have before. It makes the weird seem normal and the normal seem boring. I wish I had a womb so I could have Gunface’s big bearded hairy Gunbabies. And, oh yeah, P.S., if you haven’t listened to this album while paying close attention to Guy Kozowyk’s lyrics, you haven’t listened to this album.

2. Converge, Axe to Fall (Epitaph)

Have you ever seen that movie Feast? There’s a scene where this monster just comes shooting into this bar, and it’s bouncing off the walls and shit, as monsters are prone to do, and it very suddenly and out of nowhere rips off Jason Mewes’ face. And then Jason Mewes says – and I’m paraphrasing here – “Ahhh! Where the fuck is my face?!?!” And then he runs into a wall and dies. The first eleven songs on Axe to Fall are like an aural representation of that, like Converge is the monster and your are ears are Jason Mewes. And then the last two songs are so beautiful (which is no way negates their awesomeness) that they make grown men weep so bad you’d think their girlfriend had just threatened to break-up with them if they didn’t take her to Did You Hear About the Morgans?. It really still feels, after all this time, like Converge pour every ounce of themselves into their very home-made, non-manufactured art.

3. Baroness, Blue Record (Relapse)

It’s like this, see? Dude walks into a bar. “Rock is dead,” he says. “Fuck you, man,” Baroness say. And then they hop on stage and play twelve songs that just feel really, really good to listen to. I can’t believe Baroness aren’t headlining stadiums. There’s gonna be a fucking Green Day musical on Broadway, but I bet the tourists who think Bubba Gump is a real Noo Yawk dining experience have no idea who Baroness are. I’d argue that there’s no justice in the world, but any world in which an album like Blue Record could come along and actually make me sexually aroused can’t be completely devoid of a higher power. This isn’t classic rock, but it’s definitely classic rock. At the end of the movie about my life (which, let’s be real, they are clearly going to make someday), after I’ve died, I want the scene depicting my viking funeral to be scored to “Ogeechee Hymnal,” and “A Horse Called Golgotha” should be played over the closing credits as my still-mourning wife, Cristina Scabbia III, rides off into the sunset to try and begin life anew.

4. Chimaira, The Infection (Ferret)

Vince and I were cranking this monster when a friend came by the Mansion. “What is this?” he asked. “Chimaira,” Vince told him. His response was, “This is Chimaira? Wow, it sounds… different.” You could say that of pretty much any Chimaira album, but still, The Infection just seems that much more special. Chimaira haven’t sacrificed any of their blunt force, and yet they’ve never sounded this relaxed before – this album has groove, baby, and has it in spades. How can something this heavy be this much fun to listen to? I defy you to smoke a bowl and not succumb to The Infection.

5. Revocation, Existence is Futile (Relapse)

Okay, I’m not one of the cool kids who knew who Revocation were before the release of Existence is Futile, but I damn sure know who they are now. Existence is Futile is one of those albums that makes you realize why we even bother to keep American traditionalist metal alive. Existence is Futile isn’t retro or experimental or nu or core or tech or fuck you, it’s just a gut-punch of awesome metal. What if Dave Mustaine never left Metallica and Lars Ulrich was killed instead of Cliff Burton and they replaced him with Gene Hoglan or Paul Bostaph? Are these the best guitar solos of the year? Could these songs be any catchier? Do you seriously not own this album? What are you, fucking retarded or something?

6. Mastodon, Crack the Skye (Reprise)

“How can I tell you that I failed?” drummer Brann Dailor wonders at the start of “Oblivion,” and, lucky for him, he doesn’t have to. Mastodon continue to be the best modern example of a band getting bigger and allowing its sound to get a little more non-metal friendly without sacrificing any of their integrity (or, if we’re being honest, just fucking weirdness). If they end up being their generation’s Tool, well, they earned it.

7. God Forbid, Earthsblood (Century Media)

Only in a year as strong as 2009 would this ever be number seven (not that number seven is shabby or nuthin’). God Forbid make being good look so effortless I wonder if people don’t take them for granted. But I can’t take them for granted; not when “Empire of the Gun” makes me wanna grab Steven Spielberg and swing him around by his neck, or “War of Attrition” makes me wish I was cool enough to shout “Bring it on!” and not sound like Kirsten Dunst’s creepiest fan, or “Bat the Angels” makes me wanna, y’know. With the bats and the angels and stuff. And the title track is probably the band’s new gold standard for itself. Ain’t no haterhade to be drank here.

8. Alice in Chains, Black Gives Way to Blue (Epic)

2009 was maybe the first year of my life since I was about twelve years old that I started to see the glass as half – or, to hell with it, mostly – full, and in no small part, I imagine that’s because ALICE IN CHAINS MADE A COMEBACK REUNION ALBUM WITHOUT LAYNE STALEY and ACTUALLY PULLED IT OFF. How is that possible? Shouldn’t this album be lamer than Jason Suecof’s legs? Shouldn’t it make me wanna resort to listening to Godsmack? Bonus: this revamped version of one of my favorite bands of all time also puts on a ridiculously good live show, too.

9. Portal, Swarth (Profound Lore)

[Editor's Note: I was able to temporarily revive my dead Grampa to ask him what he thought of this album. What follows is a transcript of that conversation.] “What… the fucking fuck… is this? What the fuck am I listening to? Is this… is this music? Is this considered by some people to be music? [Mumbles something in Yiddish.] We escaped from the Germans so you could write about THIS? And your mother, your poor mother! What must she think. I don’t know, [birth name omitted]… What? You’re calling yourself what? [long, confused pause] Like on a car? I don’t understand you kids and your hippity-hop. I’m going back to bed. I just… I give up.”

10. The Black Dahlia Murder, Deflorate (Metal Blade)

Would you rather be rich or happy? I kinda get the impression that the dudes in The Black Dahlia Murder don’t aspire to much beyond getting drunk and/or high and then making awesome, awesome death metal like the awesome, awesome death metal they grew up listening to. Well, fellas, mission a-fuckin’-ccomplished. The band’s songwriting skills grow more impressive with each new record, but the secret weapon ended up being the addition of new lead guitarist Ryan Knight, whose playing is like warm milk laced with PCP: totally fluid, totally smooth, totally OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT THING, MAN?!?! If Daniel Craig can make it so that “I Will Return” becomes the theme song for the next James Bond movie, I will totally switch teams and give him the best dome of his life.

11. Daath, The Concealers (Century Media/Roadrunner)

Okay, so I thought that The Hinderers, Daath’s first album, was good but not great. And before we’d ever met Eyal, someone sent me an advance copy of this record and was like “Dude, this slays, you gotta check it out!” And I was all, “Daath? Really?” And then I heard it. And I’m kind of mad at myself for not finding a spot for it in the top ten. This is a fully-formed, virgin-tight unit with their own identity, not bogged down by hype about being the next great death metal band or Jewish mystics who will put a spell on your balls if you don’t buy their album or whatever. This is focused, kick-ass American metal that synthesizes everything you grew up listening to – Megadeth, Pantera, etc. – into something new but familiar in the best possible way. Assuming Eyal’s worst fears aren’t realized and the band isn’t killed in a horrible Final Destination-esque accident, my gut tells me that Daath are just gonna get better and better.

12. Living Colour, The Chair in the Doorway (Megaforce)

When I was a young ‘un Living Colour were one of my most favoritest bands in the world, and then they broke up, and then they made Collideoscope, which was good, but didn’t have that certain special umph. And I was fully prepared to accept Living Colour as a legacy band. Well, smack my ass and call me Varg Vikernes, Living Colour went and made something just as vibrant and vivid as, well, Vivid. Not content to just write “Cult of Personality 2009″ and collect their checks, Chair sees Living Colour continue to do things you never knew (but shouldn’t be surprised) that they could do. They are still the best semi-experimental hybrid jazz-rock-blues-whatever band out there, and I hope in another twenty years we’re sitting around amazed at how good the album they just put out is.

13. Coalesce, Ox (Relapse)

Straight-up: the problem with a lot of hardcore is that it’s just fucking boring. Everyone is content to rip-of Converge, which is twice as silly as it sounds when Converge are still putting out amazing records, or else they’re content to rip-off Hatebreed, which is twice as silly as it sounds when Hatebreed are still ripping-off Hatebreed. So here comes Coalesce, who have been absent from the scene for-ever, to school you fools by incorporating blue-grass and what sometimes sounds to me like audio samples from Dr. Frankenstein’s lab into their hardcore, which, even if it didn’t have that other shit, would still probably be better than 99.9% of the eight million other hardcore releases people sent us this year. I can’t hear this album and not gyrate in a manner that embarrasses everyone in the immediate vicinity.

14. Between the Buried and Me, The Great Misdirect (Victory)

I didn’t write about this album nearly enough this year, and while some of that definitely has to do with the fact that no member of BTBAM ever, for example, eats babies, a lot of it also has to do with the fact that this is one of those bands where I feel like the members are probably just way smarter than me, and nothing I really say can explicate why they’re so great. Even you’re on board with their particular brand of prog-core, or else you have anal fungus. Now, that’s not entirely fair, but, really, if you don’t like this record, have your anus checked out, ’cause I think you have some fungus growing back there, dude.

15. The Devin Townsend Project, Addicted (InsideOut Music)

I understand that Ki was more “musically accomplished” and “subtler” and yadda yadda yadda, and Ki is an amazing fucking album, but sometimes you just gotta say “Hey, fucking overt musical accomplishment and subtlety right in the ear,” y’know? Addicted is the best pop album I’ve heard since Ire Works, which was the best pop album I’d heard since I think the 90s. And by being so goddamn good, Addicted holds a mirror up to everything that’s wrong with modern pop. So who’s got the skullet now, Lady GaGa? Thought so. Yeah, you’d better walk away, bitch.

16. Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Agorapocalypse Now (Relapse)

My super-huge man-crush on Scott Hull will continue to go unabated as long he keeps cranking out riffs like this. Adding Salome’s Kat to the Jay Randall/Richard Johnson mix was a pretty good idea, too. But this album was assured a place on my list as soon as I realized that it has a DRUM MACHINE SOLO. To repeat: that’s a drum solo not played by actual flesh and blood human being. Not only must that have taken a tremendous amount of work, but it’s gotta be the biggest, funniest “fuck you” in music this year, if not this decade. I wish this band played live so one of the band members could say “And now… a machine!” and stand back as a spotlight fell on a little computer-thingy which proceeded to play an awesome solo.

17. Celeste, Misanthrope(s) (Denovali)

Between this and Existence is Futile, I probably owe Cosmo Lee a hug, a beer, or, at the very least, a high-five. Epic, gorgeous, aching, raw, stripped, dirty, orgasmic, vitriolic, therapeutic, theraflutic, chaotic, melodic, serpentine, airy, scary black metal that sounds more or less exactly the way you’d think it does based on the cover art. And, oh yeah, you can download it for free.

18. Magrudergrind, Magrudergrind (Willowtip)

Full confession, at the possible expense of whatever little cred I may have left: even though the grind on the first half of this album is super-duper extra wicked, it’s really the second half of the album (starting roughly with “Bridge Burners”), when it turns into something a little less frantic and little more crusty, that really nails my nards to the wall. Even though they have the word “grind” right there in their name, it really feels like Magrudergrind made the year’s best punk album, like these dudes would just as soon hock a loogie in your mouth as shake your hand. But what a loogie it is!

19. Slayer, World Painted Blood (American/Sony)

Slayer succeed where their peers have failed: they’ve made an album that sounds almost exactly like their old albums (sorry, Metallica) with their original line-up (all apologies, Megadeth). That fact allows for this interesting occurrence: fifteen year olds going to a Slayer show today will be seeing something pretty damn similar to what fifteen years olds seeing Slayer twenty years ago saw. And maybe I’m just being sentimental, or overly grateful that I’ll never have to look my kid in the eye and try to explain why there’s an “Angel of Death III,” but there’s really something to be said for a modern album that takes me back to a time when I had less hair and Kerry King had more.

20. The Binary Code, Suspension of Disbelief

Yo, fuck impartiality. We got involved with these dudes because we believed in their music, and I think they made a killer album, and I’m proud to be associated with it no matter what happens. So why should I pretend I didn’t spend as much time listening to S.O.D. (not S.O.D.) this year as I did anything else? If I said this wasn’t on my top twenty, I’d be lying. The title track alone makes my dick hard every time I hear it. Buy it, don’t buy it, whatever. I’ll be rocking out in the corner.

Runners-Up: There are no runners-up. I’m going to live with my choices, because that’s what real men do.

Best Metal Album of 2010: Whatever Pig Destroyer puts out.

-AR