A list of reasons:

-Don’t like talking to your in-laws or your stupid, self-absorbed “successful” older cousin? Too bad, not only are we going to make you see him… but, we’re going to make you give him shit too!

-Don’t have any money? Oh well, it’s your job to not only find the money, but spend it all on people who are going to take the shit back to the store anyway.

-Hate being nice? Well… good for you, because you’re the only person not being a complete fake on Christmas.

-Christian? Too bad your holiday has been raped by a commercial industry hell-bent on sucking every damn dime out of us and then sticking it to us by fucking up our entire economy. Oh, and Santa is a fake character created by Coke to sell more of their product… which means he’s a corporate “hoe hoe hoe”.

-I also hate seeing people pretend that, somehow, spending all of their money on people they see only once a year makes this time of year special and happier than any other time of year. Little factoid, Christmas has the highest rate of suicide all year. The truth: everyone is miserable on Christmas.

-Love metal? Too bad, you’re stuck with every shitty Christmas song ever written. “All I want for Christmas”, “The 12 Days of Christmas”, “Silent Night”, etc. This is probably the worst part.

-Seeing countdowns to the countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas. Which is, you guessed it, a countdown to Christmas. Anyone who doesn’t think Christmas is over-rated needs only watch ABC Family, like, two months before Christmas to realize the holiday is now a three-month event.

-Not only all of this, but they kindly placed Christmas right after Thanksgiving, which is right after Halloween. Then, in a week, guess what? New Years. If you thought you were broke after giving away all of that candy to strangers, buying that huge ass turkey that no one is going to eat, or buying that shit for people you don’t like… just wait until you waste your money on alcohol that everyone else is going to drink while you clean your room-mates vomit off your carpet.

If that doesn’t nicely wrap up why this holiday season is a giant clusterfuck, then nothing will.

Fuck Christmas, go die.

1: I’m an atheist.
2: I don’t get how people can actually believe that a so-called God existed. Come on Jesus was some crazy maniac…
3: The christmas songs.
4: That it’s not called Anti-chrismas

When we walked into our house, I spoke to my parents. “Mommy….Daddy….what’s wrong?”

I then looked at our christmas tree. There was a large wrapped box under it.

I looked at my parents, wondering. They smiled.

“B-but it’s not even Christmas yet!”

My parents glanced at each other.

“Dispose of the boy.” My mom said.

“WHAT????!!!!????” I yelled.

Suddenly we heard a crash. We looked at the fireplace and I was shocked to see a man covered in dust. My parents weren’t.

“Jesus, could you not have found a better way to come in? Jesus, you actually fell down the chimney!”

“We were just about to murder our son. Jesus, you came in at just the right time!”

Why were my parents swearing so much? I had never heard my mom take the lord’s name in vain, ever.

And then it hit me. This man who had fallen down our chimney was none other than Jesus Christ.

“Jack, Liz. It’s so nice seeing you.” Jesus said. He looked over at me. “May I?”

If you were thinking that Jesus raped me, think again. He actually gave me the best gift of all. he gave me the gift of love.

——–

So why do I hate Christmas, you ask?

I never got that Megatron figurine.

“B-b-but that doesn’t make any sense!”

“It all will in a matter of time, don’t you worry!” Pike grabbed me around the waist. “We shall leave in a matter of time.”

Anger was fueling up in me. I felt in crawl in my ears, in my nostrils, and my brain. Could anger crawl? I did not know that it could. But I was feeling something, something, something….

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”"”"”"”"”"”"

The aliens were thrown over to the opposite wall. They hit it with a crack and they disappeared into thin air.

I looked around in amazement. “Wha….what just happened?”

My breath felt hot.

My mom spoke softly me. “Benji…you just breathed fire.”

The crowd of onlookers dropped to the floor, with hands on their head.

“Now all of you pathetic humans listen up! None of you will be leaving this mall today!”

The cops put their hands to their own faces and ripped off the skin.

The crowd gasped.

The cops had monsterous, green faces. “We are from the nearby planet of Limp BIzkit!” one alien shouted. “My name is Matt Pike.”

“And my name is Head!” the other alien added.

“Listen up! Our planet is ruin! The evil overlord, Devin Townsend, demands a boy known as Benji Thomas from the planet of Earth for his pleasures. Small has promised us that he will save our planet if we will retrieve the boy.” shouted Pike.

“But why me?” I gasped.

Before I could stammer, “Ummm….I don’t know what that means…” I was once again being raped.

The cops were ferocious. While the teenage santa was inexperienced, these men knew what they were doing. Not that that was a good thing. Far from it.

Eventually, the teenage Santa joined the cops. The cops were not akin to sharing their prize and beat the kid until he was unconcious.

You may be wondering why none of the onlookers in the crowd were doing anything. You see, these cops had their guns out, pointed, with the threat that if anybody moved a muscle they would be shot. Several potential fleers had already been killed. How the cops were managing to keep order while raping me was far beyond me. I tried not to think about it.

Soon, more cops arrived. Several dozen, in fact. And yet, these rapist cops managed to kill off all but two of them.