In all the eulogies of this new millenium’s first decade — from USA Today to the hot-ass moms at my dentist’s office — nowhere will you hear of Aerosmith’s vital contributions to 21st century music. Um cuz there were none. Their lone album in the 2000s, Just Push Play, is about half-great, when not tainted by a littered, ADD-production mentality and songs whose bland anonymity could’ve just as soon landed them on a record by an American Idol alum. Surrounding JPP were schmaltzy soundtrack songs (“Girls of Summer” FTL!), a loudly inessential covers album (come on!), abortive tours, live album, a contemptuously unexplained stint in rehab, greatest hits albums, court-mandated concerts, book tours, and most recently, a lot of coded threats from the band to its singer.

Basically, it’s as though Aerosmith embarked on a ten-year campaign to reduce their fan base to all but the media-deaf and internet-free. Shit, I consider albums like Pump and Rocks part of my DNA and yet I wouldn’t buy a fucking apple from those ignorant sluts in the year 2010. There’s nothing post-millenial Aerosmith wouldn’t do for my money and attention. Worse, as it became impossible to ignore singer Steven Tyler’s backslide into drug abuse and Spinal Tap antics (management jumps, the full-time toadying of Mark Hudson, the oft-delayed ‘autobiography’), the back-to-basics Aerosmith rock album (and its producer, Brendan O’Brien) faded further into the ether, replaced by the promise of solo albums and basically ten more years of epic horseshit. The only reason to hold out for Aerosmith — they have bounced back before and from worse — seemed gone forever.

So it’s nothing short of a Festivus miracle that the real Aerosmith is preparing to once again step forward. L.A. Times reports:

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler has entered a rehabilitation facility to treat an addiction to painkillers his doctor says he has taken to deal with a decade of injuries. In a statement issued Tuesday, the singer said he hopes to quickly rejoin the band, an effort to quell recent reports that the group’s other members were considering hiring a replacement should he decide to take an extended break from his duties fronting the long-running hard-rock outfit.

His doctor: “Over the past 10 years, Steven Tyler has suffered orthopedic injuries and has been in severe chronic pain which will require further surgeries on his knees and feet. Steven’s pain has progressed. The balance between managing his pain and avoiding addiction is tenuous and difficult, and his bravery in persevering through rigorous touring is admirable.”

And Tyler to Rolling Stone:

“I also wish to set the record straight and say that I have read reports of a rumored two-year hiatus and want to be clear that this is completely false and I will enthusiastically be writing, recording and performing with Aerosmith as soon as things are handled.”

-ADF