GREG PUCIATO VS. MTV

The Dillinger Escape Plan’s Greg Puciato is ripped. But it would never even occur to me to accuse the dude of taking steroids, for the following reasons:

1. He might kick my ass.
2. To make an accusation like that requires something known as “evidence,” and I have none. In fact, I’ve never even heard a rumor about the guy taking ‘roids.
3. He might kick my ass.
4. It seems perfectly feasible to me that Puciato spends the hours and hours of downtime that come with touring working out.
5. He might kick my ass really, really bad.

None of these issues gave pause to James Montgomery, though. I have no idea who Montgomery is, but in what has to be the stupidest act of 2010 so far, he’s written a piece for MTV in which he accuses ten musicians – including Puciato, Trent Reznor, and Glenn Danzig – of taking steroids. “Proof?” Montgomery actually bothers to raise the issue in his intro. “Who needs it when you’ve got pure suspicion?”

As far as I know, Reznor and Danzig haven’t weighed-in (no pun intended) yet about this absolutely moronic article – but Puciato has, and he ain’t happy about. He tells our friends at Noisecreep:

“Irresponsible? Yes. Understandable? Of course, because he obviously doesn’t know what it feels like to have actual willpower and drive. I don’t know what it feels like to be a total pussy who manifests his own inadequacies by accusing other people of cheating in order to achieve something of notice.”

“Unfortunately for him, they don’t have ‘writer potions’ that he can take to better himself at his chosen hobby. While this isn’t the first time that someone has presumed that I take steroids, it is the first time that I can think of that it’s been publicly presumed. Although I usually take it as a compliment, it borders on slander when done in this way, and in actuality, it’s more of a shame that we live in a time in which people assume that you need to cheat somehow in order to actually achieve anything worthwhile.

“Your article says more about you, James, than it says about me. Regardless, thanks for the publicity softball pitch, and you can thank me in return. Keep practicing the whole ‘writing’ thing, cause it apparently doesn’t come that naturally to you. And meanwhile I’ll go pop all the huge zits that I have on my back, beat the shit out of my girlfriend for having a guy friend, start a fight at a sports bar, drunk-bang a bunch of 19-year-old sorority chicks and crush 20 Wendy’s double stacks.”

And what else is there to say, really? I’m not sure if Montgomery and Viacom saved themselves from a lawsuit by admitting that they have none of that pesky evidence stuff, but if I were one of the dudes on this list, I’d be thinking about getting litigious right about now. Then again, Puciato’s barbed comments might be all the revenge he feels he needs.

Of course, he can also always just kick Montgomery’s ass really, really bad.

-AR

Thanks to Donnie Graham for the tip!