Vince got stranded while on his way back from vacation (thus my egregious amount of posting today), but I’m sure he’d be happy to know that it looks like Depswa are about to finally release a new album. And it only took them six or seven years! Having apparently now forgone the label route altogether, the band will release Distorted American Dream on their own label, Tears & Smiles Recordings, sometime in February. SMN reports that the band has hired Toby Wright and Logan Mader to mix the thing, which means they ain’t dicking around. You hire dudes like that ’cause, at the very least, you’d like to be taken seriously.

I was never as big a Depswa fan as Vince is, but I do think their song “This Time” is a ridiculously catchy piece of pop metal. Seriously, I can’t even listen to it as I embed this video, for fear it will get stuck in my head and ruin the rest of my day.

-AR

Well, it’s 2010 and The Chariot are through playing second fiddle. After spending a significant chunk of last year on the proverbial road opening for bands like Norma Jean and Evergreen Terrace, Josh Scogin’s band of metalcore brothers will finally–and rightfully–venture out on a lengthy American headlining tour of their very own later this month. Unfortunately, said tour will feature some of the blandest, most generic opening acts that heavy music has to offer today.

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A reader known simply as “Al G” submitted this, and… man, just… I just wanna say, thanks, Al. This is incredible. Truly incredible. It brings a tear to my eye, it does. And brings new meaning to the word “tool.”

-AR

Okay, so for some of you young ‘uns who will forever think of Chris Broderick as Megadeth’s guitarist, you should know that before Broderick there were some other dudes in the band, and before them there was this guy Marty Friedman, and before him there were, again, some other dudes.

But this is a story about Marty Friedman, so let’s just stick to him for a sec.

See, after Marty quit the band in 2000, presumably because he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore after actively participating in the creation of “Crush ‘Em,” he moved to Japan, where everyone who was ever famous will stay famous forever. (Seriously, it’s like the Never Never Land of famous people over there.) At least, I think that’s what happened – all I really know is that Friedman was in Megadeth, and then he wasn’t, and then Blabbermouth started posting fifteen stories a day about Friedman and Japan. I’d do the research to get the full story but I don’t care that much.

So, why did I bring this up? ‘Cause Friedman’s latest Asian endeavor is a collaboration with Gary Suarez’s favorite musician of all time, Andrew W.K. (Who, reader Porkspam tells me, seems to be having fun with the rumors that there are multiple Andrew W.K.s And there’s a video for this collaboration, entitled “Kiba,” which I believe is Japanese for “Really strange and terrible song that makes you kinda glad that Marty Friedman isn’t in Megadeth anymore.” (It may or may not also mean “Fang.”) But what’s really weird – I mean just beside how FUCKING STRANGE the song is – is that the video is animated, and portrays a cartoon Andrew W.K. maxin’ and relaxin’ with a cartoon… Dave Mustaine.

I’m serious. Check it out:

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Okay so that’s not really it, but who wants to bet that that’s more or less exactly what it sounds like? I mean, I bet I could have fooled at least half of all BLS fans into thinking that really was the new single, and at least seven-eighths of everyone else.

Anyways, BLS are gonna try and get a new album out by June. So I guess Zakk ignored my advice about taking some time to reflect on Ozzy firing him and then work at a deliberate pace in order to make a kick-ass new record that reminds us why we ever cared.

Swell.

-AR

So The Village Voice – which, depending on who you ask, is either a bastion of intelligent artistic commentary or the most pretentious toilet paper in print – recently compiled a list of the fifty worst songs of the decade, and, sure enough, some terrible nu-metal found its way onto the list. Here are three notable entries, via Blabbermouth:

08. LIMP BIZKIT and JOHNNY RZEZNIK – “Wish You Were Here”
10. FIELDY’S DREAMS – “Baby Hugh Hef”
12. DISTURBED – “Land of Confusion”
14. KORN – “Ya’ll Want A Single?”
15. HINDER – “Born To Be Wild”
19. NICKELBACK – “Something In Your Mouth”
27. KELLY OSBOURNE and OZZY OSBOURNE – “Changes”

Now, I’d never argue that these are terrible songs. But of the seven songs listed above, four are covers. And I just can’t take a cover seriously as the worst pick for each of these groups.

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There’s absolutely nothing news worthy about this video, which was apparently filmed at the 2009 Gathering of the Juggalos. And I should probably feel bad for laughing at it. That being said, I don’t.

A ridiculous number of you e-mailed this to us over the break, which tells me that we’re all going to hell together. Somebody just remember to bring some smoke.

-AR

Half these dudes ain’t even in the band anymore!

No, I don’t mean that our favorite Dutch Danish [Sorry! -Ed.] power-death metallers are making a crabcore album – at least, they’re not as far as I’m aware.

No, I’m referring to the fact that Mercenary are handling their decimated line-up situation not just by hiring new members, but by shifting some old ones around, too. The band have announced not only the addition of new drummer Morten Løwe Sørensen to their ranks, but that bassist René Pedersen – who has also handled the band’s screaming/growling/non-singing vocals up since 2006 – will now step up to the plate to take the place of departed clean vocalist Mikkel Sandager, too. A statement from the band reads:

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I’ve enjoyed the work of 87 year-old master thespian Christopher Lee as much as the next dude. I mean, who hasn’t marveled at his performances in films such as Curse III: Blood Sacrifice, Meatcleaver Massacre, Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch, or Gremlins 2: The New Batch? The man is a legend.

But we’ve been flooded with e-mails about the news that Mr. Lee (Who, oddly enough, is the only British actor over the age of 80 who hasn’t been knighted. Weird.) has recorded a symphonic metal concept album, Charlamange. And while we respect his gifts as a performer of some of the greatest works of dramatic literature ever conceived, the apparent excitement over his foray into the world of metal is unwarranted. Because the music is terrible. I mean, it sounds like SNL was trying to do a parody of bad symphonic metal, only they weren’t even capable of coming up with anything funny, and so they made this instead. This, which is just ridiculous. This, which makes me wonder if this could truly be the same man who once so lit up in the screen in Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.

You have shamed your name, Christopher Lee. Nerds judge you. NERDS CONDEMN YOU, GOD DAMN IT! You’ll never be a knight now, you pecker clot.

-AR

Let’s say you’re Sully Erna. You’re the lead singer of a God awful band but you basically won the lottery, since there are enough ree-rees in the world to buy your music and make you a gajillionaire. How do you celebrate? Dineyland? Hookers n’ blow? How about you pull a Vince Neil?

So. Erna has reached a settlement with a 27 year old girl, Lindsay Taylor, and her parents, Elaine and Jeffrey, following a 2007 car accident that left Taylor with “a severe traumatic brain injury.” Erna, who left the accident unscathed, rammed the Taylor’s with his Hummer, and while he’s blaming the crash on another driver and – I shit you not – the design of the road, that hasn’t stopped him from agreeing to pay $3.3 million dollars, plus thousands of dollars a month in additional fees. Here’s the complete breakdown of what Erna will pay, according to The Eagle-Tribune:

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Is there a consensus on which Testament album is their best? Do they have a Reign in Blood or Among the Living, an album where (almost) everyone just kinda goes “Oh, yeah, that’s their best album.” I don’t think so. I kinda think they’re more of a Megadeth-type sitution, where a lot of people say Rust bot a lotta people say Peace Sells and they’re both kinda right. I think with Testament, you can go The Legacy or The New Order or Practice What You Preach and make a pretty fair argument in all instances.

Which is my very roundabout way of telling you that Testament are going to be playing The Legacy live, in its entirety, on their upcoming tour with Slayer and Megadeth, which is called the American Carnage Tour but should really just be called The Big Three or some shit (And P.S., fuck you if you argue that Testament can’t be one third of a Big Three tour. They’re fucking Testament, not Attitude Adjustment.)

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Unless your New Years Eve revelry landed you in county lock-up or somewhere else without Internet access (or you just own an iPhone), you’ve likely heard the fantastic albeit unsurprising news that SOUNDGARDEN HAS REUNITED. Chris Cornell announced it precisely at the stroke of midnight (Eastern Standard Time) via his often bizarre and unintentionally hilarious Twitter account:

The 12 year break is over & school is back in session. Sign up now. Knights of the Soundtable ride again! www.soundgardenworld.com

So Soundgarden’s back together. What the hell does that mean?

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Or, rather, be forced to rock.

For “Forced to Rock” is the name of the new song that Arsis posted on their MySpace page while we were chillin’ during the holidays. And it probably won’t have to force you to rock. It will most likely just induce rocking that is completely consensual.

Arsis mastermind James Malone says that he ” came to the conclusion that the death metal world needed an anthem,” and that the need for said anthem was the impetus for this song. And it’s certainly anthemic. In fact, I’d like to once again point out Malone’s self-professed love of hair metal, and posit that there’s a distinct hair metal influence on this song. I mean, there’s definitely a thrash/death element, too (duh), but c’mon. The death metal world needed an anthem, so he wrote “Forced to Rock,” not “Fuck Her with a Knife.” That says something. Or, at least, I think it says something.

ANYWAY, it’s a killer song, and it’ll be on Arsis’ new album, Shout at Starve for the Devil, which drops February 5 in Europe and February 9 in America on Nuclear Blast. By which point Arsis will already have started the MetalSucks-sponsored Tyrants of Evil North American Tour with Arch Enemy, Exodus, and Mutiny Within! HEY-O!!! Get tour dates here.

-AR

They’re heeeerrrrrre…

The humanity… oh, the humanity!

-AR

After posting our own year-end lists for 2009, we asked you, oh ye MetalSucks faithful, to tell us what you thought the best metal album of the year was. And you have answered, overwhelmingly voting for the latest from Atlanta’s psychedlic prog-metal masters:

Interestingly enough, the album that got the second most number of votes (although it still lagged wwwwaaayyy behind Skye) was Anaal Nathrakh’s In the Constellation of the Black Widow – we’ll let you guys decide if that’s because people stopped voting when they saw Mastodon were the clear front-runners, or just because Anaal Nathrakh’s fans are particularly loyal.

And now we can all start arguing about 2010!!!

-Axl & Vince

From all of us to all of you…

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at MetalSucks