Part of being on the road is the constant struggle to find a suitable place to take a dump. Even when you’re in a bus with a bathroom, as we were, there’s a strict no-pooping policy. Trust me, you do NOT want to be on a bus where a smelly dude who’s been on the road for days or weeks ingesting nothing but fast food and booze has let it all out of their system… X6. You respect your fellow travelers even in dire situations and they respect you — NO pooping on the bus, no exceptions. So what does that leave, then? Well, there are always gas station and fast food joint bathrooms which vary in degrees of cleanliness and comfort. If you’re lucky you can pinch a loaf when you’re stopping at a friend’s house somewhere (pity that poor fool, though). But when it comes to comfortable places to poop nothing beats a Walmart — they’re open 24/7, the stalls are big and no one cares. Plus, you can usually park a bus in the back of a Walmart parking lot and sleep there over night meaning you can poop when you arrive at night AND in the morning before you leave. Gold mine!

One goal of this road trip was to take advantage of all the quintessential experiences each city had to offer. What more quintessential experience is there than getting BBQ in Memphis? That one’s a no-brainer… but what exactly has Little Rock, AR got to offer? Walmart. Lots of ‘em. The company is based there. The only way our experience in Little Rock could’ve been any more quintessential was if we’d gotten blowjobs from Bill Clinton.

But first, Memphis…

After our BBQ disappointment on the way to Nashville we were dead set on eating some delicious hickory smoked meat in Memphis. But when the allure of other good food came calling we couldn’t resist. The Pancake Pantry, a Nashville breakfast establishment I’d been to once before, beckoned.

The Sweet Potato Pancakes hit the fucking SPOT, dude. Also of note: the insane amount of really young moms in the place. Everywhere we looked there were women who couldn’t have been any older than 22 with kids at their tables. We felt kinda dirty sitting there, a bunch of obviously hungover metal douchebags corrupting the youth with our constant F-bombs and talk of poop (yeah, I dropped a deuce in the bathroom if you’re wondering). So many dirty looks shot our way.

Less hungover, full, and bowels freshly purged (thanks coffee!), we hit the road. But first, a stop to re-up on liquor — mostly bourbon, natch — at the ridiculously cheap liquor supermarket known as Frugal Mac Doogal. Giant bottles of Bulleit for half of what we can get them for in New York. We bought a LOT of booze and worked out so many sweet deals.

Upon arriving in Memphis we hit the Gibson guitar factory for a hot minute:

Kip attempted to work out a deal on some sort of custom paintjob but failed.

We got our mojo on at Beale Street for the next hour or so with some large “to go” beers. Next was one of the absolute highlights of the entire road trip: Gus’s Fried Chicken. The chicken was fried in a crispy but decently thick dough that had a tang of a spiciness to it. It was oily as fuck, but that’s what makes fried chicken delicious, isn’t it? AMAZING… some of the best I’ve ever had. The fried pickles were pretty good too. We ordered a 12-piece meal and split it between 5 dudes since next we planned to hit up a rib spot and didn’t want to fill up.

Everyone we talked to said Rendezvous is the best rib joint in Memphis. We hiked all the way over but once again our BBQ dreams were foiled when we found out they were closed on Mondays. We settled for BB King’s where we had decent if unspectacular pork ribs, and we also got to see some more of Memphis on the way.

Rich Hallford tried but failed to work out a deal on a carriage ride… would’ve been quite romantic had it worked out.

We couldn’t leave Memphis without paying tribute to The King with a quick glance at Graceland.

The Lisa Marie.

Ah, Little Rock. What better place to spend the night than a Walmart parking lot? We all immediate hit the Walmart bathroom hard and left them with a stench they’d not soon forget.

We got the grillin’ action going right around midnight. Mark whipped up some huge burgers and a whole lot of chicken that he’d marinated in his own homemade habenero sauce. I’m a guy who loves spicy food; when most people start crying I keep going. But this shit was out of control! It had all of our stomachs in turmoil all night and our anuses on fire the next morning. But I just couldn’t stop eating it… it was so good!

The habenero chicken is in the center, and that’s zuchini around the edges. Pretty much the only vegetables we’d had in days.

About a half bottle of Bulleit later is when things started to get really hazy. Full of food and liquored up, I convinced Rich Hallford to go “adventuring” around the commercial suburban lots surrounding us. Rich was up for the task and we hit the road on foot. The rest of the night I remember in bits and pieces, at best.

Apparently we visited a car wash. I vaguely remember stepping in a puddle and being pissed about it.

Apparently we also visited a gas station. Thrilling.

I think this was a Lowes. Super fun!

Round about this time we strolled over to the Holiday Inn across the road. Rich Hallford tried to work out a deal with the baffled receptionist to let us use the swimming pool. He begged and pleaded and gave them the whole “band on the road” shtick but we were flatly denied. Motherfuckers. Never visit the Holiday Inn in North Little Rock.

Our spirits crushed, we returned to the bus with our heads hung low. Bedtime for bozos.

Coming on Monday: Raging with The Destro and White Arms of Athena in Dallas! And talking to Vinnie Paul on the phone, by accident…

-VN

The Story So Far:

Day 3: Louisville Sluggers and Nashville Honky-Tonk
Day 2: Scion Rock Fest
Day 1: The Calm Before the Storm