Even more new shit! Jeez Louise!

We’ve spoken at great length about our love for Brian Posehn, who has to be one of the five funniest stand-up comedians working today. He’s also a colossal metalhead, which is just kind of a bonus, ’cause not only does he make you laugh, but he makes you feel like maybe there’s some world where he isn’t famous or you’re cooler, and the two of you are pals, sitting around rockin’ out to Anthrax albums. Sigh.

ANYWAY, Posehn’s new album, Fart and Wiener Jokes, seems like it should come out on 4/20, but it’s actually coming out on 4/27 on Relapse. As with his last album, there will be some metal songs with comedic lyrics (and guest appearances by Scott Ian, Jamey Jasta, Mark Morton, John Tempesta, and Russ Parrish), but there will also be a lot of his brilliant stand-up stuff on there. And now two clips have been released. As though there were any doubt, they’re great, and bode really well for the album as a whole.

First up, one about the wonders of iTunes…

After the jump, check out one about farting in a car. Fwomp!

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Holy moly, it is just raining new shit today! How many cheesy headlines based around song titles can we really post in one day? At least one more, it seems! ‘Cause Periphery have posted another new track, “The Walk,” on their MySpace page. And I think it’s my favorite Periphery song yet. Those guitars just get me going, dude. I’m even willing to forgive the song for almost sharing a name with a certain other metal tune. See, Suffokate? I can be flexible when you don’t suck.

Periphery’s self-titled debut comes out on 4/20 (which is shaping up to be a ridiculously good day for metal) on Sumerian. You can pre-order it in a variety of nifty packages (with t-shirts, hoodies, etc.) here.

-AR

UPDATE: Apparently Blackie broke out after refusing to pay the club a $198 food bill. Classy dude. Get the full skinny at SMN.

The cancellation of last week’s W.A.S.P. show here in New York was allegedly for very noble reasons – the promoters were charging fans extra for a meet and greet session, which is apparently a big no-no in W.A.S.P.-land – but why did the band cancel another concert last night, this time in Allentown, PA? Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman (who cleverly suggests that W.A.S.P. must stand for “We Are Screwing Promoters”) did some investigating, and it seems that the reasons behind the cancellation were not quite as chivalrous this time around…

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If yous nevers seens 1349 in concerts, yous has nots livededs. I knows religions is bads and stuffs, but its likes a religious experience. Likes when yous really needs to gos numbers twos, and yous dos not thinks you ares goings to make its, and then you dos? HAIL SATAN! It’s as Antichrist Christmases miracles! That ees whats 1349 ees likes in concerts.

Band hases a news albums coming out, Demonoir, on April 27. News song, “Atomic Chapel,” ees streamings on your spaces rights now. Hopefullys theys comes backs tos thees shitholes yous calls “America” soon, ‘cuz Axl n’ Vinces wills nots let mes leaves theese infernals place. Ebil bastards.

-NC

Short n’ sweet: as you probably already know, DEP’s new album, Option Paralysis, comes out one week from today. As is so often the case in modern times, the band is now streaming the entire album here. Go listen. Then come back and let us know what you think.

And sometime real soon we’ll be posting an interview with the band.

-AR

Enough is enough. If I have to scroll down 3 fucking screen-lengths in order to hear any music, it’s too much. If the MySpace page takes half a minute to load because the images are all 500k and hosted on photobucket, it’s too much. If a video player auto-loads you deserve a punch in the face. If your heavily-photoshopped band photo and use of eye-bleeding colors makes me go blind I’m assuming you’re covering up for the fact that your music sucks. All I need something simple to visually represent the band and the player itself… ya know, where the music is. Enough with the atrocious MySpace designs already. This goes for well-established signed bands too.

I’m really digging BandCamp.com lately as a vehicle for bands to have all-in-one pages. It’s so much simpler, faster, more functional, and best of all… leaves no room for bands to over-design their page and over-hype their own wares. Labels and bands, check that out. No one uses the social networking elements of MySpace anymore anyways.

Sincerely,
VN

It’s not bad enough that that Bullet For My Valentine’s “The Last Fight” is about as shitty as metal song as I’ve ever heard. Nnnnoooo. The director of the accompanying video had to interpret the song’s title as literally as possible as make the clip about fighting. More specifically, “extreme fighting,” or MMA fighting, or whatever the fuck it is that has the kids all hot n’ bothered these days.

How many fucking times am I gonna have to watch this crap in a video? It’s been done. It was done just last week, in fact, and it was already unoriginal then. Fuck, Chimaira did it three years ago!

You really can’t think of a single different idea? I have a hard time believing that. This is just lazy, cynical bullshit. Sorry. Epic fucking fail.

-AR

If you’re like me and Ratt’s “Best of Me” didn’t quite convince you that their new album, Infestation, was going to be a return to form, well, the new new Ratt song, “Eat Me Up Alive” oughta do the trick. This is the opening track off the record, and as I said yesterday, it really does sound like Ratt in their heyday without trying too hard or getting caught up in nostalgia. All once-great hair metal bands should put out albums this good.

Infestation comes April 20 on Roadrunner’s Loud & Proud imprint.

-AR

The MetalSucks co-sponsoders Prosthetic Records SXSW showcase is tomorrow, March 17 at Club Mohawk in Austin. And as if performances by Scale the Summit, Landmine Marathon, Withered, Book of Black Earth, The Funeral Pyre, Clinging to the Trees of a Forest Fire and Lions of Tsavo weren’t a good enough reason to attend, one lucky attendee will win an Epiphone Prophecy Les Paul EX guitar signed by the all the bands.

But if you’re not in Austin and can’t get to the show, don’t fret: a second signed Epiphone guitar — a Prophecy Futura Custom EX, to be exact — has been posted for auction on eBay, with all proceeds benefitting the T.J. Martell Foundation, a non-profit organization that supports research for cancer, AIDS and leukemia. The T.J. Martell Foundation came to Prosthetic’s attention after a recommendation from management for the legendary, unfuckwithable Ronnie James Dio, who was diagnosed with stomach cancer this past November. Says Dio himself:

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Vince is really the resident Deftones fan here at the MS Mansion; he’s tried on at least two occasions to convince me of the band’s awesomeness, but besides the song “Change” (which I frickin’ love), I’ve never been able to muster more than a “pretty good” for the band’s music (although I have seen them put on a pretty cool live show).

So I don’t really feel qualified to write about their new single, “Diamond Eyes.” I mean, it’s a good song, but it’s not knocking my socks off; but like I said, having never really been a huge Deftones fan or anything, it’s entirely possible that I’m just not the target audience for this. So listen to the track and make your own judgments:

“Diamond Eyes” is the title track from an album of the same name. It comes out May 18 on Reprise.

-AR

The good news is that the band is streaming “A.S.K.E.,” a new track from their forthcoming album The Light In Which We All Burn, here. It’s actually the second track from the album that we’ve gotten to hear so far, and I’m not entirely sure what I think yet, but at least we have new Laethora music.

The bad news is that while the album was supposed to come out on April 27, it’s now been pushed back a couple of weeks, to May 11. So that’s not the end of the world, but if you’re as impatient as I am, it’s still kinda whack. Oh well.

-AR

Crazy/Beautiful is a 2001 teen soap opera movie in which you get to see the bottom of Kirsten Dunst’s rack; alas, “Beautiful Dangerous” is not a sequel in which she finally takes off the rest of her clothes. Instead, it’s a new Slash song that will feature vocals by Fergie, and which Slash debuted while guesting at a recent Black Eyed Peas performance.

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Some Stone Temple Pilots fansite has eighteen seconds of that band’s new single, “Between the Lines,” and what immediately jumped out at me about the clip – besides the fact that I can already tell Vince and I are not agree on whether or not this song blows – is that Scott Weiland sings the line “…when we used to take drugs.” That made me wonder if the titular lines aren’t just subtext (as is usually the case with the expression “read between the lines”) but lines of cocaine, but mostly it made me wonder why the hell Scott Weiland is still trying to convince people that he doesn’t take drugs anymore.

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“Epicer” is a word, right?

You might remember Ex Deo’s video for “Romulus,” which Vince described as being “epic, grand, colossal, and monolithic;” the group’s new video, for the song “The Final War (Battle of Actium)” takes that shit to a whole other level. Sure, the special effects are a little cheesy and the director was clearly taking a lot of his visual cues from 300, but compared to what most bands are passing off as music videos these days, Ex Deo have pretty much hit a grand slam. Judge for yourself:

-AR

The old cliché goes that genius is the very simple idea that, for whatever reason, no one has ever had before. Assuming that’s true, then Cannibal Corpse are the Albert Einsteins of metal. For these dudes were not, at the beginning, great musicians. They were just some kids from Buffalo who basically listened to thrash and said “We wanna do that, but make it even heavier and more evil-sounding.” And so they did. And simple though it seems (Tomb of the Mutilated might be considered quaint if it were released today) Cannibal Corpse – particularly the original line-up of vocalist Chris Barnes, bassist Alex Webster, drummer Paul Mazurkiewicz, and guitarists Jack Owen and Bob Rusay – are undeniably one of the most influential bands in all of metal history. They are one of the key creators of death metal as we know it. As though he felt the words to Slayer’s “Angel of Death” just weren’t violent enough, Barnes practically invented pure gore as lyrical fodder; he also reinvented his craft (if you can call making it sound like your lungs are having violent diarrhea a “craft”). Producer Scott Burns, who was basically the sixth member of the band for years, obviously deserves his share of the credit for their accomplishments, too. Basically, if you’ve ever enjoyed to pretty much any death metal song ever, you probably owe Cannibal Corpse a handjob.

And that, of course, is precisely the problem.

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It’s hard to believe I wrote my first blog for Metalsucks on February 21st, 2008. I really don’t know what happened to that time. So much has happened to me since then that it’s hard for me to believe life has gone by this quickly.

And I left the only thing I ever knew behind me. I bowed out of the most rewarding and troubling journey I’ve ever experienced.

Believe it or not, my decision to leave God Forbid wasn’t a decision. My quitting the band stemmed from a stupid argument (the last straw) I had with my brother involving me getting a ride from New York City to the band’s van in Pennsylvania. This argument consisted of screaming about money, respect, being a “star,” big opportunities, etc. The argument ended with me screaming to my brother, “Fuck YOUR band.” I’ve never leveled an attack at my brother in that way. The band was never “his” or “mine.” It was always “ours.” That statement was really “I quit,” and we both knew it.

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If you miss Vince’s regular contributions to MS while he’s away (and who doesn’t… sniff, sniff), then don’t fret: you can tide yourself over by reading this interview that The Number of the Blog recently conducted with the right honorable Mr. Neilstein. TNOTB, you may recall, is the site that recently took on Ziltoid as a writer. Hey, we all do shit for traffic sometimes.

ANYWAY, Zilty isn’t the one who conducted the interview (that would be his fellow MS reader/TNOTB founder groverXIII), so you shouldn’t let that deter you from reading it. And Vince has some good tips on running a website, how much actual work goes into it, how we’re not really stoned all the time, etc. Check it out here.

-AR

Which is exactly what it sounds like: ten incredible metal bands, all of whom accidentally started horrible trends, inspired leagues of untalented followers, and basically screwed up the music we all love.

We’ll count down one band a day for ten days starting this afternoon. In the meantime, feel free to start arguing about which bands do or do not belong on this list in the comments section below… like you needed an invitation.

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at MetalSucks

…I saw this video of British seventeen year-old Jacqueline Mannering on Metal Insider. MI says she’s gained prominence recently due to some tweets by Ashton Kutcher, who, when he’s not acting as cougar fodder, is apparently thinking about shtupping underage girls. (He compared Mannering to Penelope Cruz, which is… just wrong, dude.)

But this is the metal world, where anyone with musical talent or a vagina is equally worshiped by hordes of drooling fanboys. And since Mannering has both, I’m sure she there’s lots of big things in store for her.

Check out video of Mannering absolutely decimating John Petrucci’s solo from Dream Theater’s “As I Am” at Metal Insider.

-AR

Remember last month, when we posted that awesome video of seven students from Aaron O’Keefe music-instruction school in Ohio playing Down’s “Ghosts Along the Mississippi?”

Well, Mr. O’Keefe has done it again, this time with seven different kids, ages twelve through sixteen, playing Pantera’s “Cowboys from Hell.”

There’s something kind of hilarious about a pre-pubescent voice doing Anselmo’s vocals, but there’s no getting around the fact that these kids are rule. And if you don’t think so, I’d like to ask you: could you play that well when you were that age? Is your child currently in his room practicing to play like Dimebag? No? Shut up, then.

Here are the names of the kids:

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