FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A VERTEBRAE 33 T-SHIRT

Thursday, April 1st, 2010 at 5:30pm by Vince Neilstein

You guys sure wanted that copy of God of War III prize for last week’s funny photo caption contest badly. But only Brock Stearns wins. This gem is a bit different than the ones we usually choose:

“Although it has the appearance of an evergreen tree, the Eastern Red Cedar has a limited lifespan and a variety of fall colors. Also, a fat goth is cutting himself.”

This week we’re giving away two t-shirts designed by Vertebrae 33 mastermind Rodney Githens, who also designed our super-sweet Skulls & Star of David MetalSucks t-shirt. We’ll give away one shirt each of the “Reaper” and “Crossbones” designs, pictured 2nd and 3rd on this page, in the size of your choice. To win just come up with a funny caption to the below photo, and be sure to comment with or include a real email address.

Tags: vertebrae 33,

King Cheezit

HAHAHA story of my life, literally. That’s what happens when you’re the only white kid in the hood. People don’t like losing to anyone who doesn’t look like a baller.
guey

The homies were still not impressed, even if young Gunter is the only one listenening to REAL black music…
DD

And your starting forward for your Bergan Globe Trotters is Ingmar “The Kvlt” Jacobsen!!!
Seanicus

Immortal’s touring guitar auditions involve a vigorous round of HORSE.

pigchop

Just pick this one as the winner and let’s get on to the next funny photo caption contest.

http://www.facebook.com/people/Brendan-Snow/514886363 Brendan Snow

Jump shot ist krieg.
g man

off the giant upside down cross, through the ring of flaming human skulls , nothing but net be-otch !!
Skanes

Prospect Goresaw Frostfucker signed an entry level contract with the Philadelphia 666ers.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Clayton-Michaels/197402551 Clayton Michaels

“No one will EVER recognize me in this get-up,” thought Michael Jordan as he tried to figure out a way to come out of retirement without further tarnishing his legacy.

clayton1220@yahoo.com
Sacajawea

Dammit Gaahl, stop licking the ball!
Future Ruins

Basketbabbath – Shootin’ hoops with the mighty Ravendark; who often refers to this grim pastime as Blashyrkhball
http://maninthebowlerhat.blogspot.com/ Deven

After being caught acting like the “stereotypical Negro”, Varg Vikernes admits to being gay.
wha?

White Men Still Can’t Jump
Isaac

No sir, you are not the black wizards
Gray

If black metal doesn’t work,I’ll practice some hoops.
Coop

Varg Vikernes acting like the “stereotypical negro”

Coop

Fuck, “Deven” beat me to it!

http://maninthebowlerhat.blogspot.com/ Deven

All bow before the awesomeness of Deven!

http://www.facebook.com/people/Jger-Wolf/1416679109 Jäger Wolf

Win!

Sacajawea

All Shall Ball.

http://myspace.com/theswampzombiecult Blake

FUCK YES!!!!

Meshuggahhh

WIN……..This is it!!

Mutt Weiler

If Lord Shaqness doesn’t win the church league this year after working on his freethrows all offseason, he’s gonna burn that shit down!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Christian-Voltaggio/1409575074 Christian Voltaggio

Kevin Garnett was NOT talking to you, Stormraven.
Ash Curtis

Prometheus: The Discipline of Slam and Dunk
Ryan

yes, mike, his record is impressive with a point average of 666 per game. it has remain this way ever since he joined his dream team “the church burners”
Double D

This young gent truly takes ‘Blackest of the Black’ to a whole new level.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Timothy-Palmer/582086079 Kyle Timothy Palmer

Kareem Abdul Naglfar

Also, I am not Anthony P Stine. What the hell?

http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Timothy-Palmer/582086079 Kyle Timothy Palmer

Okay good it was fixed. Facebook was tweaking out.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Timothy-Palmer/582086079 Kyle Timothy Palmer

Ah christ.
kyle.palmer@hotmail.com

Tonberry

A gross misinterpretation of Dark Funeral’s “Secrets of the Black Arts” leads to the discovery of unlikely hoop dreams. Full story after the jump.
http://thenumberoftheblog.com/ groverXIII

“I don’t usually like picking the white kid, but he is part black, so…”

losetorefuse

LOL’d hard.

Chet Stedman

Black metal can’t jump.
Matthew Grant Anson

Black Metal kid clearly isn’t used to being out his basement, as he brings a basketball to a tennis court.

The_Kak

win
Matthew Grant Anson

*sigh*

Black Metal kid clearly isn’t used to be out OF his basement, as he brings a basketball to a tennis court.

Proof read Suckalos, proof read.

Seer

Norway reveals new team uniforms for the 2012 Olympics in hopes that Satan is a b-ball fan.
louis

After losing a game of “HORSE” to Euronymous Varg decided to get even.
Vakarm

a new trend called Abbath-sketball
http://www.last.fm/user/opeth027/ Kyle

Black(metal)-balled!
Tortiss

No matter how Black metal you think you are, you will never be black.
Preston

FIND THE 3.5 BALLS IN THIS PHOTO:
Answers:
1 – In the person’s hands(Basketball)
2 -On the person’s face (Head’s a tiny soccer ball!!)
3+.5 -Maybe in his upper interior waist area (testicles yet descended)
mouIchido

Jack of all trades, master of none.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Grey-Price/1485185269 Grey Price

And then I totally knelt before Satan with the skull in my hands like this and he totally said ‘ go forth and multiply and spread my dark message.” so dude you know any chicks really into face paint and spawning devils children?
WowWee!

Black Metal basketball players can only shoot good but suck at dribbling.
kevin

Black metal is taking a little too literally these days…
Zach

……and that’s when the Washington Wizards started taking themselves too literally.
alex

Nergal has a pickup game and then is promptly signed by the New Jersey Nets.
6infinit6hatred6

I always knew black metal musicians had a lisp. Why else would they be playing with A-bbathketball?
http://danielldean10@yahoo.com Danno

He shoots!…… He will never score!
http://danielldean10@yahoo.com Danno

I’m assuming it’s a dude, it could be a chick
Marc

Shown: a guy with black metal makeup playing basketball…NOT shown: a fat goth kid wearing a Nightwish shirt cutting himself
Greg K.

In West Philadelphia, born and raised…

FlyingDadBomb

WIN WIN WIN!
ANGRYDUCKSECKS

Winner

Greg K.

In West Philadelphia, born and raised…
William Grimmkvlt

Shirts against Corpsepaints.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Samuel-Chang/1544882449 Samuel Chang

Black Metal just got a whole lot more black.
That Metal Dude

Once you go Black Metal, you never go back.
Jonathan

Who said Black metal was the worst blight upon the earth? It’s only a blight to basketball.
T-Bird

Scream…aim…FIRE!!!

Brian Koz

Ugh…

columbo

“Into the hoop?” I wonder, like many nights before,
and like in my dreams. my aiming skills are low…

columbo

Hope you get the reference

columbo

Just in case:

it’s from the lyrics to “into the infinity of thoughts”

slice two

upon his return to basketball, dennis rodman discovered that there was someone even lamer than himself.
Stephen H. Martin

After hearing the team captain make reference to “posting up in the paint”, Tim was sure to make varsity this year.
http://www.facebook.com/people/Andy-Beaman/1260212418 Andy Beaman

Ihsahn reacts to Vargs “stereotypical negro” comments on the set of his new music video with Emperor in promotion of their next studio album titled; “In the Courtside Eclipse”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Adam-Benton/598084866 Adam Benton

Basketball Ist Krieg
FlyingDadBomb

Air Negral: The official sneaker of the Bergen Ballers!
jackattack

“We were initially incredibly concerned about Baldur’s late season habit of missing critical late game free throws, until we realized he was attempting to keep his percentage at a rigid 66.6%.”

Brian Koz

Bahahahaha you win

Knixx

Ballin’ A Satana
Brian Koz

Here we see the rare censored cover of Mayhem’s Dawn Of The Black Hearts. Please excuse the swoosh.
Tayne Hughes

if you lose a game of blackmet-ball, you have to corpse paint your face to resemble a cross between spawn, kermit the frog, and a cat.

these are the regulations… THEY ARE WRITTEN IN BLOOD!!!
Tyler

Frostbitten three throws and transilvanian jumpshots are merely the begining for the ballers of northern darkness.
vulgardisplay21

Part Of The Deal King Diamond Made With Satan To Get That Sweet Voice Was To Give Up His Budding Basketball Career ….
Corey Borger

SHAQrath!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Danilov/562623080 Michael Danilov

From burning churches to swishing threes. black metal has changed
Isaac Lunsford

Winner goes on to play Shagrath, in a game of G.O.A.T.S.

ilunsford9@gmail.com
Wildman

Hey, look guys, it’s Krieg Abdul-Jabbar!
Or is it Shakill O’Nile…?
Yo Diggity

Is this the definition of trying too hard to be black?
Jesse

Sadly, Billy never did get street cred with the black-metal posse.
FlyingDadBomb

Soooo, since when did Gorgoroth buy a basketball team?
Justin

The corpse paint helps him focus on his jump shot.
Name Not Applicable

None more black.
Justin

With corpse paint like that, who needs a team to score at basketball?
http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-John-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason John Crispen

glass!
nads

“King James”… it is now known as “Emperor James”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sean-Heron/9391234 Ryan Sean Heron

I guarantee you this kid was the last one picked when they chose teams.
bretton

I am the black washington wizards

Kuranes

oh you bastard.

http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Koch/100000785018253 James Koch

Now, this is the story all about how
My cross got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take an eon
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the underLord of a town called Oslo

In west Norway born and raised
At the Church was where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out burnin’ churchin” all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of school
When a couple of demons
Who were up to no good
Startin making cults in my neighborhood
I got in one little cult and my ancestor got scared
She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Finland”‘

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my coffin and sent me on my way
She gave me a knife and then she gave me my horse.
I put my axe on and said, ‘I might as well slice it’.

I whistled for a horse and when it came near
The hoove said DEATH and it had knives in the mirror
If anything I can say is that this horse was rare
But I thought ‘Man burn iit’ – ‘Yo home to Finlandia’

I pulled up to the church about seven or eight
And I yelled to the horsie ‘Yo homes smell ya later’
I looked to my next victim
I was finally there
To Burn churches on my throne as the B-Baller of FInlandia.

losetorefuse

Haha this is actually pretty damn funny.
FlyingDadBomb

Winner! Hands down!

Ølin of Carl

The NBA enacts a 666 pt line so the even whiter boys have a chance.
dread

Ooh! I have to make this shot, and then I hear the timer for my cookies!
Wanna go to the mall later?
andy morales

just trOO it!!!
Mel

And finally, after countless prior attempts, this young Immortal fan finally got a picture of himself doing something stupid with corpse paint on the Metal Sucks funny photo caption contest. Guess it was a slow week for options.
Ass Dan of the Northwoods

At last, a proper time to use “FTW”.
brandonmetal

enough to make Ihsahn forsake his legacy….
eric

If basketball won’t make me happy? What will?
Goro923

Remember Jørgen: “Eyes on the pentag… um… ball”
Goro923

Remember, Jørgen: “Eyes on the pentag… um… ball”
http://Redrum Goro923

Remember, Jørgen: “Eyes on the pentag… um… ball”
DJ Arnold

White men can’t jump (breathes in heavily) … WITHOUT THE POWER OF THE DARK LORD.

…but seriously he’s white so he can probably shoot the tre, but no rebounds for that oreo faced cracker.
http://thecombinemetal.blogspot.com Christopher

HE SHOOTS…. IST KRIEG!!!!
Goro923

…sorry about the triple post…
tdwscott

WILSONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! WILSONNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!——my name is spaulding—you dick!!!!!!!!!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Kasper-Maigaard/1027001938 Kasper Maigaard

White people can’t dvnk

http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Timothy-Palmer/582086079 Kyle Timothy Palmer

Haha! Win!

Willie

Well, this is what happens when you tear down the forests.
Dave

Basketball is my favorite sport
I like the way they dribble up and down the court
Just like I’m the King on the microphone so is Dr. Gaahl and Moses Quorthon
I like Slam dunks take me to the hoop
My favorite play is the alley oop
I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go,
Cause it’s Basketball, uh, Mister gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
EdSW

The other stereotypical black guy.
Peter

If you liked American History X … your gonna love the sequel.
Kris

Still better than 80% of the Nets
Cat Tyrson

“The New Jersey Nets went deep into the draft pool this year… Obviously looking to shake things up.”
Chuckles

Kvlt Malone. With the Satan on his side, he’s able to shoot 10% from the line
Anthony

Damn, now i’m at H-O-R-S!
Jay

“This shot is worth zero points, because life is meaningless.”
SukMyBoomStik

Immediately after foiling another convenience store robbery attempt, Phil Fasciana changes into his superhero alter ego and goes on to win the NBA championship.
Steve Matthews

All the proof Varg needs to prove Black metal has become to negro!
Steve Matthews

All the proof Varg needs to prove Black metal has become too negro!
Mercyful_Kris

Instead of attempting to sign LeBron James in the 2010 offseason, the NY Knicks managed to further infuriate fans by signing European sensation Michael ‘Air’ Gorgoroth.

SukMyBoomStik

I some day hope to see a headline in the sports section of the newspaper that includes the words “European sensation Michael ‘Air’ Gorgoroth.”

Lee

Gorgoroth vs. Burzum, Kongsvinger Community Center, 4PM.
Cwan

“Kobe!”
http://illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com/ sean

“Once again, I shall select Satyricuse to triumph over West Valhalla in March Mayhem.”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Steve-Bowen/502176360 Steve Bowen

I has hoop dreams!
Rob Fiasco

If I can just make this one shot….I’ll finally beat Varg at a game of B-E-L-U-S
TAZ

Why is he playing basketball on a tennis ball court? That’s a technical foul.

TAZ

Wow i said Tennis ball court….. fail…

http://www.myspace.com/quavila Dani

Although never straying from the true norwegian black metal path, Abbath made sure he had his hoops to fall back on.
Clayer

Faust wasn’t really that good, but ever since he stabbed a guy he was always picked first.
Joe

“And with the first pick in the 2010 NBA Draft, the Washington Wizards select…the guy who thinks he is an actual wizard.”
Joe

“And with the first pick in teh 2010 NBA Draft, the Washington Wizards select…the guy who thinks he is an actual wizard.”
http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Carosello/1360764011 Nick Carosello

The next Michael Jordan
http://www.myspace.com/metalmatty6985 MetalMatty

ONE MAN….ONE WAY …. ONE DESIRE… TO UNIFY THE WORLD OF BLACK METAL WITH THE WORLD OF BASKETBALL…. COMING THIS FROST BITTEN WINTER TO A BURNING CHURCH NEAR YOU……

“STORM OF THE NIGHTS BALLER”
BruisedMetal

Merciful FAIL
\m/Eluveitie\m/

Taking advantage of Varg’s grim and frosty free throw percentage, the Dallas Mavericks hack-a-Grishnackh
\m/Eluveitie\m/

Bobby Knight finally found a recruit who embraced his coaching philosophy
Noc

“After burning churches died out, the recreational activity of choice became casketball. Still kvlt, but with none of the legal complications.”

Shitknuckle

+1….This one’s got my vote

You Don’t Know Me

Shooting from the 3-point line is kvlt!!!
Trogdor

Gene Simmons sued this boy for ripping off his idea
Danny

If I don’t make it to the WNBA at least I got a backup plan!!!!
G

‘Varg Vikernes Meets The Harlem Globetrotters’ is still regarded by many as the worst movie of all time.
schmiggity

…Will one day form the groundbreaking bands Darkthrown and Mardunk, found the NSBA, join the Boston Celtics Frost, and give new meaning to the phrase “you got burned”.
McHammered

The guy from Immortal gets ready for his big day shooting some hoops with Obama
McHammered

The guy from Immortal gets ready for his big day shooting some hoops with Obama
Dimitry

“Vague reference to demons, pentagrams and/or the number of the best followed by a comparison of an african-amerian with a black metal fan’s facepaint.”
Brian Koz

Little Johnny was forced to play basketball outside of the court because he was black…and white
BruisedMetal

Young King Diamond wondered why nobody picked him to be on their team in gym class…. then he set his highschool on fire
Jam

Charles Barkthrone
http://www.facebook.com/people/Paul-Pelkonen/1184592898 Paul Pelkonen

If I make this, I get to be the tenth man in Slipknot!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Vanderwerf/100000304476552 Chris Vanderwerf

While he may be the Emperor of the basketball court, there is no black metal here…only a rusted chain link fence.
Zeram

Reigning threes
http://www.kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com MetalMatt

In an attempt to diversify their image, the NBA starts recruiting in Norway.
http://www.kingdomofnoise.blogspot.com MetalMatt

Suddenly Ron Artest doesn’t seem so bad.
Anthony Viscusi

Oh I know this guy! He’s number 34 on the ‘Norway Arsonists’! They’re burning up the competition this year.
http://mr-tshirts.com C Frazier

Varg recently discovered his talent at basketball during his time in prision. Unfortunatly he has no one to play with since he’s the only aryan player.
Nick

So that’s what David Ellefson was doing with his free time before Mustaine gave him his job back.
http://www.myspace.com/quavila Dani

Pre-war picture showcasing that the afroamericans were actually ripping of norwegian culture.
brandon

i guess basketball is still a black sport
Brad

The names Varg….Varg Bryant
Luis

One day the Lords of the underground will bow at the sound of my roaring riffs… but for now “Make it Rain!!!!”
earthsherm

initially, whorehound thought he had finally found the orb of pathos, turned out to be a regular old spalding.
Robotscythe

Varg’s version of HORSE: For every shot you make, a Negro-Christian-homosexual- baby dies.
The_Wolf

True to his upbringing, Abbath Jr. took interest only in sports traditionally played during the heart of winter.
ryan

this guy gets under more balls than a midget hooker
Gerardo

When practicing drill shots, Dwight Howard enjoys dressing up as a member of the Insane Clown Posse and shows team spirit by lighting the basketballs on fire and preceding to rap about it.
Barry

After losing the fiddling bet to Johnny down in Georgia, the Devil decided it was time to sharpen up on some new techniques to acquire souls.
DD31

Nick’s plan was flawless. If one of his bros walked by, he’d introduce them to his Emperor collection. But if that hot chick from physics came over, he was just a very devout Spurs fan.
jordan

“Hey Gene! dont practice for too long. Wouldnt want your make-up to smear, than you’d just look dumb.”
cheryl

Join us joooooiiiinnnn usssssssss! Shaun Of The Dead sequel …. Zombies can jump!
cheryl

I don’t like to admit it….but…..I like this make-up stuff. Maybe it’s Maybelline!
cheryl

My eyes are burning! Was this make-up tested on mice first????!!!!!

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FUNNY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A VERTEBRAE 33 T-SHIRT

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