Scraping Genius Off The Wheel

NIRVANA BIOPIC RUMORED TO FEATURE 9/11 EXPLOITING VAMPIRE IN LEAD

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When I awoke this morning, my Twitter friends list featured a whole lot of 140-characters-or-less commentary from last night’s unintentionally hilarious Finntroll show at New York’s Gramercy Theatre. Yet tucked away between the twitticisms (see what I did there?) was an outraged comment from a friend over the gossip that Robert fucking Pattinson has landed the role of Kurt Cobain in a planned Nirvana biopic. Yes, I’m talking about the same Robert Pattinson who used the worst terrorist attack on American soil as a fucking plot device and who terrorizes us all with his continued involvement in those fucking awful vampire flicks.

I know many of you are still totally butthurt than grunge supplanted hair metal in the early 90s, forever relegating your favorite bands (which sucked) to play Indian casinos and shitty nightclubs for the rest of their “careers,” but Nirvana was one of the most important bands of my adolescence. So yeah, I’m pissed that an actor that hasn’t played a decent role in his entire life was tapped to play one of my musical heroes.

Of course, the casting pick is completely fucking obvious considering Pattinson’s bewildering popularity among tweens and teens. (I’m sure your niece is a huge fan!) It’s an incredibly cynical pick which shows just how little Hollywood thinks of the filmgoers that line the industry’s pockets. But, wait, what’s that? Courtney Love is involved? She’s been talking to Pattinson about the role? And she wants Scarlett Johansson to play her in the movie? Oh for fuck’s sake! Between this and selling Cobain’s corpse to Activision, how many more bad Nirvana-related decisions from Mrs. Love must we endure?! And if she’s this involved in the casting, I’m sure her strained relationship with the other two dudes that actually played in the fucking band will continue to marginalize their roles. Let’s revise history!

That brings us to the inevitable soundtrack. I’m predicting that we’re going to see a tracklisting that features a whole mess of current artists covering Nirvana songs. The results could be disastrous!

  • Taylor Swift – “Come As You Are”
  • Rihanna- “All Apologies (Eh Eh)”
  • Soulja Boy – “Smells Like Teen Spizzle”
  • Lady GaGa – “Pennyroyal Tea (featuring Beyonce)”
  • Justin Bieber – “Rape Me”

New Hole album out April 27!

-GS

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