Green Eggs and Slam

NEW SLAMZ 4 U: SERGEANT D’S NEW NOT-AT-ALL-REGULAR METALSUCKS COLUMN, “GREEN EGGS AND SLAM!”

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You know him, you loathe him… it’s Stuff You Will Hate‘s Sergeant D! When he’s not busy blogging about scene bands and other stuff that you will, well, y’know, we’re hoping to be able to trick him into making this new MS column an almost-regular thing. Please give him a warm MetalSucks flame war welcome!

Put down those limited edition Hydra Head CD-Rs and pick up your atrophied testicles — the weather is nice, it’s time for some slam metal! Dinosaur metal and beard metal are very popular here on MetalSucks, but the metalscape doesn’t have to begin with Baroness and end with Behemoth.

Much like Pride’s legendary fights of 2005-2006 may never be equalled, I’m not sure we’ll ever see a slam scene as exciting, fresh, and wiggerish as when Rest In Gore, Glossectomy, Gorevent, and Disconformity surfaced. Those were the salad days, and we may never see such a vibrant micro-community of pitt riffment, but the slam train keeps on rolling, with a ton of new bands keepin’ it fuckin’ sick.

On that note, here’s what I’ve been slamming to this spring…

CEPHALOTRIPSY

After releasing perhaps the finest slam album of all time, we haven’t heard much from these San Diego slammers other than a couple of demo tracks. Anybody know what’s up??? I was really looking forward to their second full length :(

FEMALE NOSE BREAKER

You can add “GUTTURAL SLAMMING BRUTALITY” to chocolate, watches, and neutrality under the heading of “THING U KNOW ABOUT SWITZERLAND” thanks to Female Nose Breaker. Euros are usually shit at slam, but FNB brings a slight goregrind/pornogrind edge to the Cephalotripsy formula that really slaps.

CEREBRAL INCUBATION

Is this brutal death? Possibly, especially the fast, riff salad-ish parts, but it has some pretty sick slamz too. More bands should have names like this. I mean, Mastodon are okay I guess, but that could be the name of an educational board game. On the other hand, CEREBRAL INCUBATION says DEATH FUCKING METAL, no ifs ands or buts!

KRAANIUM

Norweigan wiggers lol, Euros are hilarious when they try to be tough (see also Soils of Fate).

CEMETERY RAPIST

This band is actually fairly terrible, but as the inventor of “cornfield slam,” CxR is a neverending lolfactory. If he had a real drummer and decent recordings, CxR might be pretty sweet, but as it is, he’s mostly just good for laughs.

INFANT BILE

This is dangerously close to goregrind, and I usually hate anything with a drum machine (unless it’s Millionaires), but THESE FUCKING RIFFS!! For fans of Cock And Ball Torture, Rompeprop, and Gut who wish those bands had blast beats. Sick!!!

INTRACRANIAL BUTCHERY

This band’s new songs are boring and lame because they tried to be fancy and technical, but the demo songs jam– a perfect example of what I call “budget slam metal.” It’s brilliant in the same sense as Seven Minutes of Nausea or the Meat Shits demos were, and there’s no bigger tragedy than when budget slam bands turn into dull riff salad :(

EZOPHAGOTHOMIA

With the demise of the first generation of Japanese slam bands, Russia stands as the undisputed international headquarters of slam. Katalepsy and Abominable Putridity paved the way, but for my money there’s no finer commie slammers than Ezophagothomia (bonus points for being Russians of the swarthy, steppe-people variety). I really appreciate their early-Devourment, wall-of-sound vibe– I’m tired of sterile, perfect albums. This demo harkens back to the days of 90s tape trading, when everything sounded like complete shit (and was totally awesome).

What other new and noteworthy slam bands should I know about?? Which of these bands brings the sickest pitt riffment?? Is “melodic death metal” an oxymoron? Is Borat in Ezophagothomia? Will the Disconformity/Rest In Gore/Gorevent/Glossectomy era ever be equaled??

-Sergeant D

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