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Green Eggs and Slam

NEW SLAMZ 4 U: SERGEANT D’S NEW NOT-AT-ALL-REGULAR METALSUCKS COLUMN, “GREEN EGGS AND SLAM!”

 Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 at 3:00pm by

You know him, you loathe him… it’s Stuff You Will Hate‘s Sergeant D! When he’s not busy blogging about scene bands and other stuff that you will, well, y’know, we’re hoping to be able to trick him into making this new MS column an almost-regular thing. Please give him a warm MetalSucks flame war welcome!

Put down those limited edition Hydra Head CD-Rs and pick up your atrophied testicles — the weather is nice, it’s time for some slam metal! Dinosaur metal and beard metal are very popular here on MetalSucks, but the metalscape doesn’t have to begin with Baroness and end with Behemoth.

Much like Pride’s legendary fights of 2005-2006 may never be equalled, I’m not sure we’ll ever see a slam scene as exciting, fresh, and wiggerish as when Rest In Gore, Glossectomy, Gorevent, and Disconformity surfaced. Those were the salad days, and we may never see such a vibrant micro-community of pitt riffment, but the slam train keeps on rolling, with a ton of new bands keepin’ it fuckin’ sick.

On that note, here’s what I’ve been slamming to this spring…

CEPHALOTRIPSY

After releasing perhaps the finest slam album of all time, we haven’t heard much from these San Diego slammers other than a couple of demo tracks. Anybody know what’s up??? I was really looking forward to their second full length :(

FEMALE NOSE BREAKER

You can add “GUTTURAL SLAMMING BRUTALITY” to chocolate, watches, and neutrality under the heading of “THING U KNOW ABOUT SWITZERLAND” thanks to Female Nose Breaker. Euros are usually shit at slam, but FNB brings a slight goregrind/pornogrind edge to the Cephalotripsy formula that really slaps.

CEREBRAL INCUBATION

Is this brutal death? Possibly, especially the fast, riff salad-ish parts, but it has some pretty sick slamz too. More bands should have names like this. I mean, Mastodon are okay I guess, but that could be the name of an educational board game. On the other hand, CEREBRAL INCUBATION says DEATH FUCKING METAL, no ifs ands or buts!

KRAANIUM

Norweigan wiggers lol, Euros are hilarious when they try to be tough (see also Soils of Fate).

CEMETERY RAPIST

This band is actually fairly terrible, but as the inventor of “cornfield slam,” CxR is a neverending lolfactory. If he had a real drummer and decent recordings, CxR might be pretty sweet, but as it is, he’s mostly just good for laughs.

INFANT BILE

This is dangerously close to goregrind, and I usually hate anything with a drum machine (unless it’s Millionaires), but THESE FUCKING RIFFS!! For fans of Cock And Ball Torture, Rompeprop, and Gut who wish those bands had blast beats. Sick!!!

INTRACRANIAL BUTCHERY

This band’s new songs are boring and lame because they tried to be fancy and technical, but the demo songs jam– a perfect example of what I call “budget slam metal.” It’s brilliant in the same sense as Seven Minutes of Nausea or the Meat Shits demos were, and there’s no bigger tragedy than when budget slam bands turn into dull riff salad :(

EZOPHAGOTHOMIA

With the demise of the first generation of Japanese slam bands, Russia stands as the undisputed international headquarters of slam. Katalepsy and Abominable Putridity paved the way, but for my money there’s no finer commie slammers than Ezophagothomia (bonus points for being Russians of the swarthy, steppe-people variety). I really appreciate their early-Devourment, wall-of-sound vibe– I’m tired of sterile, perfect albums. This demo harkens back to the days of 90s tape trading, when everything sounded like complete shit (and was totally awesome).

What other new and noteworthy slam bands should I know about?? Which of these bands brings the sickest pitt riffment?? Is “melodic death metal” an oxymoron? Is Borat in Ezophagothomia? Will the Disconformity/Rest In Gore/Gorevent/Glossectomy era ever be equaled??

-Sergeant D

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  • http://maninthebowlerhat.blogspot.com/ Deven

    Looks like someone got tired of writing about scene bullshit.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IT8KfyacS8 Seer

    -_-

  • wtfhax

    Fuck all these fake ass bands, motherfuckin’ DEVOURMENT is where it’s at! You can’t beat the Godfather’s.

    • wtfhax

      I did not realize that Cephalotripsy was there as well. They kick ass too. :D

    • yetzer hara

      devourment may not have been the first, but they did it heavier, faster, and sicker than most.

  • Dysenteric

    The only decent band mentioned here is Cephalotripsy. Brutal death metal done right.

  • bucketochicken

    Oh fuck yes.

  • Fasshole

    Can someone please explain exactly what a slam riff sounds like, with a couple of specific examples (i.e 3:14 in “song x”)

  • Death to bro metal

    This style has become so bland. Slam is not any recent innovation, I think it’s just been given a makeover with the recent influx of highschool dropouts listening to gore. JK

    I am all for having a diverse landscape of both bands and fans of metal but when did wiggers get introduced into the equation? I simply do no understand the wigger appeal that slam has garnered, I would really appreciate it if someone could point this out to me.

    Not all gore/porngrind/slam bands are bad it is just that there is very little distinction with the “songs” and most of the so called “songs” are very very lifeless.

  • Kuranes

    What is this i dont even

    • ferocious_fetus

      kind of want =/

  • http://www.myspace.com/monotheistmetal Shiv

    Oh fuck yes finally an article I can get behind. Needs more Defeated Sanity though, although they might be too artsy fartsy, they still bring the siqq slamz, br0))). I hope we have more of these articles in the future because this rules. Enough of this hipster beard metal shit, I WANT MUH SLAMZ.

  • Slntpsych1

    Does burping count as vocals? That is exactly what the last one sounds like.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danielo-Perez/524716654 Danielo Perez

    do you like this because you do? or do you like this because hardly anyone else does and since you like it you get some sort of cred? i am honestly confused because of the tone of your other website how is anyone supposed to know what you think is good or shit. (i personally file it under the latter)

    speaking of your other wibsite

    i’ve only heard of brokencyde because of you. and i’ve only heard of you because of this post. i took a look at that other site, as far as i know, you actually like brokencyde and are being ironic closeted about the whole thing. i am again honestly confused about it. ’cause, man, you know a lot about those bands and those musicians and all that other “stuff i will hate”. i tend not to know anything about stuff i don’t like.

    i think that stuff i will hate is not screamo bands. its you.

    • chris

      Here is Sergeant D’s old site: http://www.themetalinquisition.com/

      I would recommend checking that out before you pass judgment on him. His posts are genius!

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danielo-Perez/524716654 Danielo Perez

        im not passing judgement. i wasn’t lying, i am honestly confused. is this guy making fun of slam and people who like slam? or does he like it? or is he doing some stupid thing like an atheist talking to a hasidic jew where he’s just tyring to get a rise out of people because he’s the type of guy that misunderstood the plot to fight club.

        that terminaly hip tone makes it impossible to decipher. that ironic chic crap is all over this shit. i mean the site is called metalsucks right? and like dude you’re not fuckin oscar wylde or nothing, i don’t have the time or inclination to figure you out. maybe its good for your friends or at parties, but neither is the case right now. reign your shit in, or theres no point in looking at this website at all.

        i want this site to point me in the right direction, i dont need cheeky posts about the insane clown posse. that doesn’t help me. that doesn’t help anybody. i can usually handle it, because i’m not a stick up my ass kinda guy, but this is getting a little too much i think.

        • niggaplease

          fuck, you’re dense.

        • Alex_P

          He just has terrible taste. He hates Maiden and At the Gates, so don’t expect any good recommendations from him.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danielo-Perez/524716654 Danielo Perez

            see, this is what im getting at. does he hate at the gates? i can’t even tell if he hates millionaires or not (im assuming he hates them, but he implied that he doesn’t). yeah, its well written and in that it is entertaining. but usually you read reviews because you can tell that a guy tends to like the same things you like and therefore if he likes something you have a good chance at liking it too. but when you’re left bewildered as to what was meant by what was said, then its pointless in either direction.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Danielo-Perez/524716654 Danielo Perez

          i just looked at metalinquisition and again im confused. do you not like terrorizer magazine? or do you? i could tell you what i think about it. but i can’t tell what you think about it. do you see how thats not helpful? when you have a website that is supposed to clue people in on the new shit in metal but it is so infused with your own personal opinions about it, you subtley make people feel bad for liking things you don’t and and for not liking things you do. think about what that means. really. think about it.

          • evilfatguy

            You’ve already posted too much.
            I think it’s time for your to have a little time-out and leave the house for awhile.

          • Gaia

            Maybe a walk? Oh and he writes for Terrorizer.

        • themasses

          What you read is what you get. Stop trying to infer some kind of ironic tone into Sarge’s posting. When he says he likes Millionaires, that means he likes Millionaires.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Grobi-Wunder/100000020701902 Grobi Wunder

            and even if it meant he doesn’t like them: why do you need to know what HE thinks? or what axl or vince think? you probably’ll never have to marry either one of them, so why do you care? just read it and be entertained or… don’t. it’s as simple as that.

  • Matty2Fatty

    wtf is slam? I’ve been pretty invested in metal for the last 10 years or so and have no idea what this is. Someone want to fill me in?

    • Discipleofthewatch

      I know a band called Uncle Slam, but they’re more thrash metal. I don’t think, from observing some of the above, that they acutally fit into this category. It seems kind of like nasty death metal?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rohit-Gupta/666005820 Rohit Gupta

    well that was a waste of time

  • Watt Par

    Hey Sarge, listen to Blasphemer from Italy. Not strictly slam, and I don’t love them, but I saw them play with Sikfuk (whom you also must look up) and Dysentery and the guitarist in Dysentery thought they were the greatest band that had ever existed.

    Also, Sikfuk is AMAZING. If you haven’t heard of him already, cop that shit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ramirez/631635101 Carlos Ramirez

    If I were 14 again, I would have loved some of these! Anyone else remember early ’90s bands like Head Rot, Phlegm, and Corpus Rottus. Those bands were all about the slam parts!

    By the way, what’s up with that one band using images of Vixen?!

  • FlapNasty

    I hate how people pretend that they actually enjoy this regurgitation metal. It is talentless and hideous to the ears. Anyone can play a simple Hatebreed riff and add in some blasts. People, pretty soon, are going to be recording their shits and putting the audio over the riffs. Fuck.

    • CHUMBAWUMBA

      I wholeheartedly agree. I love me some heavy music but this is just god awful. I don’t really find listening to someone burp into a mic an enjoyable experience.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brendan-Snow/514886363 Brendan Snow

        agreed. this shit is just boring. not gonna say talentless, just fucking boring.

        • Watt Par

          Come back when you all pull the sticks out of your asses.

  • http://stuffyouwillhate.com Sergeant D

    Yes, I do seriously like slam metal. Id write more but I’m on my phone– read my metal inquisition posts on the subject if you want to know more.

  • http://stuffyouwillhate.com Sergeant D

    Danielo Perez is a genius! A++++ trolling dude!

    • Double D

      I don’t know if I’m the only one who clicked on that Millionaires link, but that shit was fucking terrifying. I have now seen the future of pop music, and the only way I can describe it is ‘fucking terrifying’.

  • Fufkin

    Amwaycore > Slam

  • Steph

    Haha look at those band names ‘Cemetary Rapist’?, ‘Female Nose Breaker’? ‘Bludgeoned by a Massive Black Cock’?! who actually listens to this crap?

    • Gaia

      Sounds bad but I actually laughed hard at Cemetary Rapist. I mean I usually look past the dumb band names but these are actually hilarious.

  • yetzer hara

    i’ve been going back to my late 90′s slam stuff recently… bands like pyrexia, “driven to conquer” by internal bleeding, “tales of necrophilia” by regurgitation (by the way, in that second video, was that brian baxter playing the warlock bass?)… what else? “hymns of the sick” by deaden is just plain fucking heavy. “the age of clitoral decay” by lividity, “molesting the decapitated” by devourment, and “practitioners of perversion” by viral load. if you have those albums, you pretty much don’t need any other slam.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jger-Wolf/1416679109 Jäger Wolf

    Who’s the kretin that decided to combine limb bisket with Lividity?

    • Beastmaster

      “Limb Bisket”? Limp Bizkit, insult him correctly you fuck.

  • Metalguy

    How did noone say putrid pile yet. That band is awesome

  • http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/ Sergeant D

    I didn’t mention Devourment, Putrid Pile, Sikfuk, etc because this post was about *new* slam bands. I have already written about most of the older/classic slam metal bands and I didn’t want to repeat myself, so I just wanted to mention some of the new stuff that people might not be familiar with yet (or at least, I wasn’t).

    And YES, I do sincerely, non-ironically love slam!

    • yetzer hara

      sergeant d- is that you in the short bus pile up gear? they’re local dudes and throw down pretty hard.

  • Bicro

    Got tired of trying to not be creepy around underage scene chicks, D?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jake-Ryan/596440962 Jake Ryan

    all these bands just make fairly ok, but pretty boring death metal (im not much of a fan of straight death metal so its all pretty boring to me). but who the fuck decided that vocals like that sounded good?? it all just either sounds like burping, cum gargling, or a cricket (in the case of cemetery rapist). can someone explain to me how this happened? i am legitimately curious because i used to think that only waking the cadaver did that crap but it seems as though a shitton of bands do.

  • http://www.twitter.com/iheartsnuggles iheartsnuggles

    Female Nose Breaker is totally a band I can get behind. Misogynistic name? Shirtless fatties? 8 dudes ripping it in a muddy field that was probably just harvested of potatoes? Red-headed androgynous midget juggalo doing the Triple H DX crotch chop at the :45 second mark? FUCK! AND YES!

    • http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/ Sergeant D

      Now THAT’S more like it! I am glad that at least somebody gets what I am going for here. Not only does FNB completely fucking slam, but they keep you entertained with their videos as well.

      PS- Did they invent POTATO FIELD SLAM??

      • yetzer hara

        dude, i dig FNB too. thanks for introducing me.

        as far as misogynistic band names go, i think the winner is Mexican Twat Circus.

  • http://stuffyouwillhate.com Sergeant D

    Ew, no that’s not me!! I do like SBPU, but I don’t look like some neothrash nerd

    • Tim P.

      every single second of music posted here is ridiculous. thanks!!!!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Daniel-J-Mock/1296912271 Daniel J. Mock

    Putrid Pile must have made it to the “big time”. I noticed their name on a flyer opening for grindcore masters Embalmer.
    http://www.myspace.com/embalmerband

    I’ve always enjoyed your writing on Metal Inquisition. But untill today I never checked out your other site. I must say that it’s some great shit, keep up the awesome work.

    Dannibal

  • kmfcm

    Are Wormed “slam”?

    Or are they just everything Cryptopsy should’ve become instead of what they are now?

    • http://www.myspace.com/monotheistmetal Shiv

      +1 I love the shit outta Wormed. And COME ON I CAN’T BE THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS AND LOVES DEFEATED SANITY!

      • Vinsanity

        i think defeated sanity is ok. did you know that was christian muenzner’s first band, from what ive read. that’s the duder that helped necrophagist with guitars on epitaph, and who is also currently in obscura. he was supposed to do shit with spawn of possession too, which is prob the best band alive in my opinion. check them out if you have not. i dunno about this slam stuff though. you guys are on a different level than i.

  • John

    I hate slam. But cemetery rapist actually isn’t bad live..

  • Jizzmaster3000

    Could this site get any worse?

  • http://www.myspace.com/thestarsthrewdowntheirspears Tim

    This music is for idiots. It’s dance music for guys who are too afraid they might look gay if they danced to Lady Gaga, or your average man-child with too much “mommy didn’t love me” rage and a self-centered attitude that makes them think they can hit/scare people and nobody will try to stop them.

    • Watt Par

      Or people who genuinely enjoy the music because there is no quantifiable thing that makes music enjoyable. Just difference in taste.

  • http://www.metalmaniacs.com Mike Riddick

    Brutal tracks…glad to see this style of metal featured here…thanks Sergeant D!

  • c-grind

    The beginning of the Intracranial Butchery song is very reminiscent of a Despised Icon breakdown, down to the cymbal “ting tings” or whatever you call them

  • TadCobra

    Keep up the great work, Sarge!

  • perkele

    Katalepsy rules!

  • Tony

    sounds like Mortician, only not as good…

  • Frost Hammer

    Sounds like crickets

  • Meth

    New intracranial butchery sounds like a bunch of twelve year olds who just discovered black dahlia murder and necrophagist…everything else here is sick.

  • traces of death

    i love it!!!!!!!!>……