IS THIS WHAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH JOEY BELLADONNA’S HEAD WHEN HE GOT THE OFFER TO RE-RE-JOIN ANTHRAX?
Through amazing mind-reading technology created by the MetalSucks Mansion Monkey affectionately known as “You Worthless Retard,” MetalSucks was exclusively able to listen-in on Joey Belladonna’s most private thoughts while he contemplated whether or not to return to Anthrax.* What follows is a transcript of those thoughts…
Okay, Joey. Now, let’s be rational. Let’s think this all the way through. Let’s not make any brash decisions this time.
I mean, these dudes have not been cool to me. Remember when they fired me in 1992 for no apparent reason? And they hired me back to do that reunion tour. And then they, uh, y’know. Fired me again. And this time, I found out about it over the internet. They weren’t even good enough to give me a phone call! And then Scott and Charlie talked an awful lot of shit about me in the press, and said that I should “Grow up and be a man. Take responsibility for your life.” And I had, like, no idea what they were talking about. Just a couple of months ago, Scott made fun of me on television! I kinda think it might be because the reunion was less financially successful than we’d hoped. But I don’t really know, ’cause I never actually spoke to them about it.
And now they wanna hire me back! Again! And they want me to sing some other dude’s parts on a new album, without actually contributing anything myself! And the guy is some kid they hired because when John Bush showed a little backbone and refused to come back to the band after I was re-fired, they decided they’d rather work with pretty much anyone but me. Actually, they decided they’d rather work with Corey Taylor than me. But Corey’s business manager had more sense than that, and then they decided they’d rather work with pretty much anyone but me. The nerve!
On the other hand, it’s not like I’m not in this for the money, too. Fuck, I don’t even really care who else is in the band, as long as it’s called “Anthrax” and I’m there. I mean, let’s be real. Without these guys, I’m playing 500-person venues and not filling the place; with these guys, I’m playing 2100-person venues and not filling the place. But, still! Not filling the place with a lot more people! That’s great! Mama Bellardini would be so proud!
And this time, they wanted me. They wanted me. Joey Belladonna. They didn’t even try and get Whit Crane, or do some reality show like Rockstar: Anthrax. So, yeah. They know they made a mistake. They respect me!
So to heck with it all. Let’s throw caution to the wind. I’ll re-re-join the band! I’ll re-record some kid’s vocals for the new record! Hell, I’ll do whatever! How about I start singing “Only” every night? I can help load the eqipment in and out of the venue. Coffee, Mr. Benante? How do you take it? Another wristie, Mr. Ian? I promise not to go too fast this time. Of course you can join in, too, Mr. Benante! I’ve got two hands for a reason.
So, yeah! I’m happy to be the band’s fourth vocalist in three years! I’m only too glad to have been Anthrax singer numbers 2, 4, and 8. I think it’s really gonna work out this time. I think these guys have totally learned their lesson about screwing people over and lying about it. Yep, things are really looking up for ol’ Joey Belladonna. It’s gonna be nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.
Now, please make the check payable “CASH.” Thanks, fellas!
*Of course this isn’t true. If you thought it might be, please never procreate. Thanks.