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Hair Metal Happy Hour

BRET MICHAELS IS FALLING APART

 Friday, May 21st, 2010 at 12:00pm by

On April 12, Bret Michaels was rushed to the hospital to have an emergency appendectomy; ten days later, he was rushed back to the hospital after suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage. But then he was released and the doctors cleared him and said he’d make a “full recovery,” and now he’s on the cover of People lying in the hospital with his bandana on and joking around with Oprah Winfrey and announcing plans for new reality shows and blah blah blah. So the rough times are over for Bret, right? Nothing but smooth sailing from here.

Except maybe not so much: yesterday, he was rushed back to the hospital after experiencing a so-called “warning stroke” that numbed portions of the left side of his body. And when doctors investigated, they came to realize that the man has a hole in his heart.

Holy shit, this poor dude just cannot catch a break.

His doctor said that “The good news is that it is operable and treatable and we think we may have diagnosed the problem that caused the” warning stroke, but, seriously, I don’t know that it makes a fucking difference, ’cause that same doctor says it’s “highly unlikely” that the hole in the heart is related to the brain hemorrhage. Which would mean that Bret’s body is pretty much just rebelling against him. I mean, so let’s say they plug up the hole in his heart, or whatever doctors do in this situation; next week his leg will fall off, or his eyes will get sucked up into his skull, or he’ll spontaneously combust or something. I’m telling you, Bret Michaels is living out some Final Destination shit, and is not long for this world.

So that’s sad. I don’t know what the cause of all of Michaels’ recent health problems are, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s from years of partying and whoring. I asked Danzig about it and he said if Michaels would just consult a nutritionist then all would be well, so that was reassuring.

-AR

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  • derek

    That pic makes me wanna puke. Nice fucking eye liner dude!

  • rAULITO666

    What next his Vagina is falling at the seams too…get well Brett!

  • NickV

    If someone deserves a slow, horrible death its this fucking retard! Fuck bret michaels. Dio desverved to live, this tool should be revived after death so someone can shoot em in the fucking face for his attrocities against mankind!

    • Alex_P

      Such as? His music? His fashion sense? His reality show? His STDs? Please. Just because Dio was a greater musician doesn’t make me wish that this guy had died first. Let’s get this in perspective here: he hasn’t perpetuated a genocide against an ethnic group in Burundi. He made some shitty music, got rich, fucked a bunch of women, and became washed up. While there’s nothing to commend him for there (except for the second and third parts), I doubt he’s hurt a whole bunch of people. A quick Google search doesn’t even turn up any paternity suits.

      • NickV

        hehehe! ah, alex_p, I never tire of you. did you really google him? HA
        honestly I do not wish death or harm against any human. I do not however feel sorry for this man either. He may not have perpetuated genocide in burundi, but he has perpetuated the american nightmare. he may as well be personally adding flouride to our drinking water. his persona, music, and tv show are aiding in making your average person a bit dumber than they would be naturally. he’s no different than brittany spears, lil wayne, or any of the american idol contestants and winners. fuck em

        • Perpetual Black Screen Name

          Let me ask u something, do u consider yourself the average person? Fuck no! You’re a metal head. That’s the great thing about this music, we have a leg up on everyone. All those fucking assholes out there cranking Black Eyed Peas and Lil’ Jon have no idea what music is really about.

          So knowing that, obviously a large majority of the population is the ‘average’ people you speak of because those are the type of artists that sell an insane ammount of records.

          So just cos you don’t like pop music, does it mean people are gonna’ stop listening to it? Fuck no! People are still going to listen to shitty music and watch retarded television programming. You’re acting like Brett Michaels is the Fuhrer of American TV as we know it. The average person is already pretty fucking stupid. I think you’re giving people as a whole a little bit too much credit. Shitty TV shows will always exist. Shitty music has existed since the creation of the first musical instrument. So until Michaels really does start putting flouride in the water, shut up. He’s a human being and this forum is an excuse for you to act like an asshole. Have some fuckin’ respect for a fellow human. If it was somebody you knew, you would most likely be crushed by the fact that they were experiencing all these health issues.

          I HATE his music. I REALLY HATE his TV show. Do I hope he suffers? Absolutely not. Do I hope he dies? Definitely not.

          You struck out dude. The American nightmare will continue to perpetuate itself out of necessity. Justin Beiber and Kesha have seen to that.

          • NickV

            you’re missing my point. I don’t feel sorry for this dude. OK? everyone is acting like this is so sad. I’m just curious as to why this dude deserves our attention and empathy more so than anyone else with a terminal illness. he doesn’t! people are going to do whatever people do untill our species ceases to exist, you are totally right. they reserve that right and I surely am no one to restrict anyone’s rights. I disagree though that the system perpetuates itself out of necessity. WE perpetuate it by continuing to hold these people in high regard instead of exposing them as undeserving icons of a dying corporatocracy. we don’t need them, they need us. as i said earlier, I DO NOT wish death upon any living creature. my original post was to rile up the hair metal fans and get all kinds of hilarious responses. but having said that, I could give a shit less if this guy dies. I extend my empathy to his children not to him.

        • metaguy

          no you pretty much sad he should die twice. dont try to smarten up your response, you said a man you don’t like should be killed. I understand the lack of sympathy to strangers, i too will not mourn his death, but i dont wish harm on innocent douchebags

    • Isaac

      Ah, come on. There are plenty of child rapists that deserve that fate. Bret Michaels is a douchebag, sure, but you’re a complete asshole if you don’t think he should live because you don’t like his music.

  • Alex_P

    It’s that Cyrus girl, I tell ya.

  • Double D

    Jesus Fuck! Has everyone seen the fucking Danzig post? Can we stop referring to it?

    • Alex_P

      No, because in this context it was funny.

    • Cryzthormagnusian

      What’s funny is that the day after the Danzig article it was reported that University of Miami researchers have found a possible cure for cancer. By tricking the immune system into seeing a tumor as a protein, the body attacks the tumor and destroys it. It’s only worked on mice so far but it’s definitly hopeful.

      http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/MI87124/

      So maybe, even in a ridiculous roundabout way, Danzig had a point?

      • Ian

        its called natural selection. Only the fittest survive, and Bret Michaels is definitely not fit to live. He will be dead soon enough….

    • Future Ruins

      Come on, the Danzig reference was friggin hilarious.

  • Perpetual Black Screen Name

    I knew it wouldn’t take long for some fucking retard to ask “why Dio and not Brett Michaels?” but regardless of wether or not you think Brett Michaels is the biggest retard ever, this much human suffering happenening to one person is fucked up.

    These are no small health issues here. He hits a home run headed for the heavens every time. I hope it at least ends painless for the guy because as much trauma as he’s suffered so far, he’s probably ready to check out. The body can only take so much. Some sad shit. I’m not a Brett Michaels fan, definitely not a Poison fan but it is sad. He’s got kids.

    Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough. BTW, I meant no disrespect to Dio whatsoever. I am actually shocked that he’s dead and really bummed out. He was rockin’ hard into his old age which I guess kind of put up the illusion that he would live forever. Unfortunetly, life isn’t that fair. I think I’m the only MS follower that hasn’t said something yet so, RIP RJD. We in the metal community will miss you and will be singing your songs for decades to come.

    • NickV

      you reap what you sow, dude

  • kidgruesome

    This reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development where Tobias’ hair plugs are sucking the life out of him because they were rejecting his body. Maybe that’s whats happening to Bret. Maybe he needs to 86 the hair plugs and stop sportin the bandana everywhere. You think he wears that thing in the shower?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jason-John-Crispen/100000169530540 Jason John Crispen

    there’s a hole in my heart that can only be filled by youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

    • izzo

      hahahahahaha

  • http://www.theoppositionmachine.wordpress.com the opposition machine

    i used to REALLY hate this guy..mostly because of his shit music…but A: i matured and B: at least recently he seems to be much less of a douche than i originally had him pegged for and C: no matter how much i hate his music, hes got two kids who im sure love him very much and just for their sakes id hate to see anything happen to him…i got a kid myself so im a sucker for that sort of thing nowadays….

  • http://www.myspace.com/thecrypticyeast Rob Fiasco

    comments are the worst parts of metal blogs. I thought I was at blabbermouth for a second.

    I wish all I had to worry about in life was getting pissed off that someone wrote a story on Bret Michaels….must be nice.

  • Spencer

    I think part of the issue with Michaels’ health might be that he’s also a diabetic and is probably starting to experience some complications and side effects of that disease. It sucks, and I hope he gets better.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

    I admit it. I have enjoyd watching Bret Michaels on this year’s THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. He comes across as an energetic, extremely personable guy who is creative, sympathetic, and works well with others. He appears to know what he wants, knows how to achieve his goals, and will roll over anyone who stands in his pathway. Plus, his dedication to helping others with diabetes is beyond admirable. He has chosen to take his stardom and assist those in need instead of becoming another lazy, slovenly, greedy rock star.

    Of course, I have not seen a single episode of ROCK OF LOVE, not do I ever intend to. I was, however, a fan of LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN and it takes balls to admit that nowadays.

    I do, however, wish that he would torch the bandana and go old school DevyPoo-skullet on us.

    Let the flames begin…

  • Binkles

    Oh come on hes not that bad a guy. I dont think the bandanna will ever go. I remember some where are they now show on mtv a long time ago and he had his head shaved totally bald and he was still wearing the thing. Favorite Poison album…native tongue, ya ya eat me

  • meat mincing machine

    Poor guy my ass, this is just karma paying him back for poisoning the minds and baginas of young dumb impressionable cum dumpsters around the world.

    Fuck em.

  • Dean

    Regardless of what one may think of Mr. Michaels, nobody genuinely deserves to be having strokes or holes in their heart at his age. I despise the music he helped make in the 1980s with a passion, but as long as he lives there is of course always the chance that he might redeem himself.

    It also makes me curious as to how much his present health woes have to do with his diabetes. Considering how much stress it can put on a performer’s abilities, I would warrant that the man has already suffered more than enough considering what he has recently been through.

    My thoughts and wishes go out to Michaels and his family. I certainly hope the next few years are least somewhat less eventful for them.

  • torturedandgutted

    yeah i agree with you dean, his music was horrible, :P i hope he is all right in the future and his family… but i have a feeling the worst is yet to come…………

  • http://jas09.deviantart.com JAS09

    It’s obvious. Michaels is suffering from a rare STD that only the most prolific of man-whores contract.