Maybe Bible-bashing is sexually transmitted.

Offending someone’s religious beliefs is considered a criminal act in Poland. And so back in March, Behemoth’s Nergal (his birth certificate says “Adam Darski”) was formally charged with insulting Roman Catholics after he called the Catholic Church “the most murderous cult on the planet” and destroyed a copy of the Bible on-stage during a 2007 concert (see video here). And while that controversy is ongoing, now it seems that Nergal’s fiancée, super-hot Polish pop star Doda (her birth certificate says ”Dorota Rabczewska”), is getting in on the act, and finding herself under attack from the same group that’s currently leading the charge against her betrothed. From Paliban Daily:

In a television interview last year, Doda explained that she found it far easier to believe in dinosaurs than the Bible; “it is hard to believe in something written by people who drank too much wine and smoked herbal cigarettes.”

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My first memory of being super-impressed by tales of massive drug abuse was when my uncle explained that Stevie Ray Vaughan’s favorite breakfast once was an eight-ball of coke poured into a liter of Jack Daniel’s. That is quality partying, not that St. Patrick’s Day beer-and-barf beginner stuff. I was floored. Barely big enough to hold a guitar, I then and there resolved to achieve those heights of consumption. I also began to keep a wish list of kick-ass drug gobblers with whom I’d one day party hardy, with Vaughan in the first slot.

By 1996, metal maniac Devin Townsend was added to that list. Even before hearing gossip of his heroic intake, I presumed from hundreds of listens to Heavy As A Really Heavy Thing that Devy might be the type to get screamingly high and, like, take a dump in a busy intersection while doing a headspin. Maybe I was projecting. Actually, in retrospect, a mega-fucked up Townsend might be too much for me. He sure was too much for ex-Metallica bassist Jason Newsted!

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I really, really want to go to Japan. It’s definitely on my top 5 list of places I most want to visit along with Sweden (duh), Iceland and Alaska. “What’s with all the cold places, Vince? Don’t you wanna visit Tahiti or something?” Maybe some day. Costa Rica, the Dominican Republic and Egypt sated my warm-weather fix in recent years.

But Japan just looks like so much fun; the incredible sushi, all the crazy candies and foods in the grocery store, the big cities, the temples, and last but not least the completely different culture. This Metal Injection tour diary of The Red Chord and Between the Buried and Me’s recent Japanese tour captures all of those things except for the sushi (wtf guys? i’m dying to know how that octopus ball was, though). I can only imagine the looks these dirty, bearded metal dudes got from the locals everywhere they went.

-VN

Mnemic have released a video for “Diesel Uterus,” which comes off their latest album Sons Of The System. When the song debuted back in November of ’09, I referred to the band as “Mehnemic,” and this video doesn’t do much to change my opinion.

Also, I still have no idea what the fucking fuck a “Diesel Uterus” is. And unless the song is about a white room where you can see the film crew and their tracks as they make the video look cool but not much else, I’m guessing the director doesn’t know, either.

Sons of the System is out now.

-AR

The latest entrant to the “Show Us Your MetalSucks” contest series is none other than loyal commenter King Cheezit, who snapped the above picture for us after receiving his “Completely Unreadable” MetalSucks t-shirt on 4/20. Sez Mr. Cheezit:

Those dumpsters are right across from my on-campus townhouse at my school due to construction in one of our old gyms. I hope to Odin that whoever had the pleasure of getting to spray such a sacred phrase on a black dumpster was an actual metal head, because in my opinion that kind of “advertisement” is second only to the “God listens…TO SLAYER” billboard that every metalhead should be aware of. I love walking past it every day. And on a side note, the fences they put around the construction zone are completely useless; we were in and out of there in 2 minutes.

Well done, dude. For your loyal display of our MetalSucks t-shirts and your dubious breaking and entering behavior we’ve rewarded you with a box of CDs and other goodies. You should have ‘em in a day or two if you haven’t received them already. For the rest of you… what are you waiting for? Show us your MetalSucks.

-VN

Saturday Night Live continues to have a bizarrely metal-friendly season. First there was Dave Matthews’ killer turn as Ozzy Osbourne; then there was some wicked satire of the Gathering of the Juggalos; then there was that Black Flag wedding sketch with Dave Grohl. Now SNL got all metallic on our asses again this past weekend, with a sketch involving 88 year-old host Betty White and… well, I don’t wanna ruin it for you. Just check it out below. Props to Metal Injection for getting this on the web and sparing me the use of Hulu.

-AR

Well, this was some shitty news to get first thing in the morning.

Just last week we heard rumors that Anthrax was swapping out John Bush for Joey Belladonna again – and now those rumors are fact. Belladonna will play the “Big Four” shows Sonisphere Festival shows and a handful of other gigs with the band starting next month; immediately thereafter, according to the official press release, “the band will fly back to the U.S. and begin writing and rehearsing for a new album that’s expected to be out in early 2011.”

(And in case you’re wondering, Dan Spitz isn’t returning to the fold, because I guess he’s too busy changing the face of music forever with his revolutionary new project, DeuxMonkey. So, at least for now, Rob Caggiano’s job is safe.)

I hate just cutting and pasting press releases, but for the sake of us all having the same amount of information before I start my little rant, I’m going to re-print a portion of said release after the jump. My holier-than-thou ramblings will follow.

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Lovings your mommies is tr00. Shes the ones whos taughts yous hows tos bes ebil. Maybes yous evens borrowed her makesups thes first time yous puts ons corpse paints. Remembers hows shes mades yous cleans your rooms? Ebil. Ors hows shes tolds yous tos makes thes monsters face sos shes could brush yours teeths? Ebil. Ors hows she groundeds yous whens shes founds outs that yous burneds downs the church? EBIL. Ors hows she stoods ups for yous whens you coulds nots gets the parole fors killings your band mates? EBIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yous cans takes one days tos gos tos thes Hallmarks and buys a nice cards. It wills nots kills yous.

Most BM bands is toos muchs ofs pussys tos express their loves fors the mommies. Pussys pussys pussys. Heres the bests Is coulds dos. Nows Is ams goings tos give my mommies the necklace Is boughts ats thes T.J. Maxxs ands takes her tos the buffets ats the Holidays Inns ands to sees the Babies movie. Ebil, ebil, ebil.

-NC

Ginger Baker, that is…

RARE LIVE FOOTAGE AFTER THE JUMMMMMMMP…….

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A few hours ago authorities evacuated Times Square for the second time in a week after someone found a “suspicious cooler” on the street. Of course, everyone was just being overly cautious, but as long as it doesn’t infringe on my civil rights, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. I think Vince was in Michigan when 9/11 went down, but I was here, and if I never see another tank rolling down my street again or run all over the city because there’s no cell service and I need to make sure that all of my friends and family are still alive, well, I’ll be good.

While I nurse my PTSD, here are some happier, metalier things that happened this week:

• We’re streaming Keep of Kalessin’s new album, Reptilian. We also debuted new music by Lamb of God and The Funeral Pyre.
• We also also also debuted new videos by Soulfly and Cancer Bats.
• We also also also also debuted our new cooking show, Cooking Contaminated.
• Cynic’s Paul Masvidal discussed the shape of silence, Periphery’s Bulb taught you how to get that “big” studio tone, As I Lay Dying’s Nick Hipa had some questions about L O S T, Matt from Rumpelstiltskin Grinder fondly recalled Maryland Deathfest, and Batillus bassist Willi Stabenau gave us a studio update.
• We talked to Darkest Hour’s Mike Schleibaum, Reign Supreme’s Jay Pepito,  Jackyl’s Jesse James Dupree, and unveiled part one of our massive two-part interview with Buzz Osborne.
• We checked out the latest release by The Howling Wind.
• Does the fact that Mike Portnoy is touring with Avenged Sevenfold make you wanna see ‘em?
• We don’t want Joey Belladonna to return to Anthrax. Seriously.
• Sergeant D. wants to know if u mosh 4 Christ???
• Damnocracy’s Evan Seinfeld and his porno Howdy Doody also do bar mitzvahs.
• We wish there was really such a thing as a Slayer burrito.

Next week brings even more betterer br00tal goodness – interviews, debuts, guest blogs, all that shit. It’s gonna get real up in this bitch. See ya then.

-AR

It’s been almost three years since As I Lay Dying put out a new album, but their latest opus, The Powerless Rise, comes out this Tuesday, May 11. So, hey, no shocks here – it’s streaming now. I know it’s gonna sound like I’m just shilling for one of our guest bloggers, but sincerely: Nick Hipa and co-guitarist Phil Sgrosso have really outdone themselves on this record . The solos especially are EPIC. The ones on “Parallels” and “The Plague,” especially, really get me goin’.

Check it out and let us know what you think. Like I said, The Powerless Rise comes out this Tuesday on Metal Blade.

-AR

Interviewing Buzz Osborne was, without a doubt, one of the best experiences of my lucrative career in music journalism. Sometimes, interviewing can be a real drag, me trying to pull meaningful answers out of disinterested people. What a bummer it is when you realize that someone whose music you dig turns out to be a jerk or worse–a bore. Thankfully, the frizzy-haired Melvins frontman and Fantomas guitarist proved to be a funny, engaging, and opinionated interviewee, turning what could have been a straightforward Q&A session into an hour-long phone conversation. For your sake, I’ve broken this dialogue up into two parts, the first of which appears below.

The Bride Screamed Murder, the imminent new full-length Melvins album, is the strongest work of the current Big Business-infused lineup and quite possibly the best damn record the band’s put out since the classic Houdini. Read on to learn King Buzzo’s thoughts on the new record, black metal, military cadence, and why U2 are “a bunch of pussies.”

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A couple of weeks ago we told you about the Metal Meet-Up taking place in Chicago on Sunday, May 16th as part of the weekend-long NARM (National Association of Recording Merchandisers) convention. The Metal Meet-Up portion of the annual event is a panel on “The Current State of the Metal Marketplace” featuring a star-studded cast of metal industry A-listers:

Group Leader
- Brian Slagel, Metal Blade Records
Participants
- Pat Egan, Relapse Records
- Vaughn Lewis, Manager, Killswitch Engage
- Austin Stephens, Roadrunner Records
- Bram Teitelman, Metal Insider/The Syndicate
- Sarah Wefald, EMI Label Services/Caroline Distribution

Sounds like it’s definitely going to be an interesting discussion; I wish I could attend. Lucky for you, we’re offering you a chance to win the $99 “Metal Breakout Package” for free, right here, right now! This is a great opportunity for those looking to break into the industry, or for anyone in a band looking to learn about how to better market themselves. So, to win, send an email to news [at] metalsucks [dot] net with the subject METAL MEET-UP telling us why you’d like to go. Best / most interesting / most creative answer wins. We’ll choose a winner on Wednesday and notify them by email. Please only enter if you can actually attend, i.e. you live in or near Chicago.

If you’re a student you can register for the entire convention for only $49 — non-student registrations cost $99 and cover the Metal Meet-Up and an industry crash-course, while full convention registrations cost more.

Vagina Panther are a band from Brooklyn that I could have sworn I’d written about before, but a quick search of the site tells me I’m wrong. (See how easy it is to do a quick search? Stop sending us shit we’ve already written about, you lazy assholes.) Despite their attention-grab name and ridiculous stage monikers (Dead June, Trent Bad, etc.), they’re actually not bad; I have a feeling that seeing them live would be way more fun than just listening to them.

ANYWAY, they just released a new video, for the song “Pressure Check,” which the band directed, produced, and edited themselves, on Super 8mm film, allegedly using only a single fluorescent light. It’s a catchy song – probably my favorite of all the Vagina Panther I’ve heard – and I applaud the band’s DIY work ethic.

Check out more Vagina Panther here.

-AR

My very limited experience with Ke$ha tells me she’s one of the worst things to happen to popular culture ever, and that having unprotected sex with Tommy Lee is probably a safer bet than going anywhere near this slut. (I don’t say that in a sexist way; I mean, her music is actively about acting like a whore, so I think it’s more than okay to call her out on it.) And while I normally hate ironic metal covers of pop songs, I actually like this death metal rendition of “Tik Tok,” because it doesn’t just reproduce the song with screaming and heavier guitars and doesn’t try to be too overtly goofy – it actually takes it and turns it into  a full-on, bloody-rare steak death metal song, and it allows the fact that a death metal rendition of Ke$ha is funny in and of itself without having to add another joke. If you told me it was a new Bloodbath demo and didn’t mention Ke$ha at all, I think I’d believe you.

Thanks to Tim McElroy for sening this in.

-AR

To celebrate the upcoming release of Nevermore’s The Obsidian Conspiracy, we asked you to download an instrumental version of the title track, write your own lyrics, record your own vocals, and put it on YouTube. Well, we got a lot of great entries, but there can be only one grand-prize winner. And that winner is… Ben Robson! Congratulations, Ben!!! Here’s his winning entry. Not only are the vocals great, but Ben is incredibly entertaining to watch, too.

Ben will be flown to a Nevermore show, all expenses paid, to perform his version of the song live with the band. So congrats again, Ben! We’re jealous.

After the jump, check out the five runners-up, who are all also terrific. Each one of them will receive a Century Media/Nevermore prize pack. Mazel tov to you all!!!

And don’t forget to check out The Obsidian Conspiracy when it comes out June 8th in North America and May 31st in Europe!

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Though Los Angeles is often described by its residents as a big expensive traffic jam (with sushi restaurants), there is more than enough awesome shit to make that attitude seem silly. Even for a modest metal head, L.A. is paradise: Every metal tour stops here (sometimes for multiple area shows), the sunshine forces you into a good mood, and every girl you meet is hot and vulnerable to flattery. So the mental and literal price tag to life here is already reasonable even before factoring in that the most entertaining band since Van Halen plays every single week. Steel Panther. Traffic schmaffic!

You may hate L.A. or Steel Panther or both (what’s your prob, btw), so let’s do a substitution exercise. Okay, just imagine it. You’re a Suckalo, so your favorite band is, um, Meshuggah/All That Remains/Asagaya Mouth Rapist/Bongbuilder/Pirate Taints/A Love Letter Screamed Bloody. Now picture yourself at their packed shows right down your street, partying the way you like to party with like-minded metalists. And guffawing your nads off! Pretty great, right? That’s the world I live in.

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I know I’ve been hyping Keep of Kalessin’s new album Reptilian ever since it was announced in January. And though my hype was based somewhat on the strength of the two advance songs from Reptilian that have been released to the world over the past few months, it was also largely based on the fact that I really liked their last album Kolossus and believed this band possessed something great inside of them that would work its way out with time.

And now that I’ve heard all of Reptilian I can say with 100% confidence that I was absolutely right; this band is fucking fantastic, and they’ve grown leaps and bounds since Kollosus (which was really good itself). Reptilian is a step up in every way: the songs are better, the arrangements and composition more intricate, the production crisper, the performance tighter. All it took was a taste of album-opener “Dragon Iconography” and I was already sold, but this album keeps delivering and delivering and delivering, song after song after song.

2010 is still young, but Reptilian is definitely making a case for inclusion on my year-end list. The album officially comes out on Monday, May 10th in Europe and not until June 8th in the U.S… but since the Internet exists, we’re streaming the whole thing for all the world to hear for an entire week, starting right now. Get to it.

-VN

[this promotion has ended]

After their mentoring session with Shadows Fall, Scion No Label Needed Contest winners Iron Thrones visited New York City a few weekends ago for a little fashion upgrade. Blasko and Maria Brink came along to offer fashion advice and Scion provided the dollar bills for the whole affair. Even if the dirty metal dudes in Iron Thrones took the fashion tips with a grain of salt, how can you complain about getting to shop for new clothes on someone else’s dime? Watch Iron Thrones on their shopping escapade below, and stay tuned for continuing video updates from Metal Injection.

-VN

Topless Robot – which has to be one of the funniest nerd sites on the web – just posted a list of “The 10 Best Sketches from Mr. Show,” the great, now long-defunct HBO sketch comedy series which served as my formal introduction to one Mr. Brian Posehn. All the sketches are great, but the one below, about a fictional metal band called Titannica, is especially metal-worthy. I don’t want to give too much away in case you’ve never seen it before, but… man, is it funny. Why can’t SNL be this good?

-AR