Tour de Force

NOTHING SAYS “GOODBYE TO ROMANCE” LIKE GETTING MARRIED AT OZZFEST

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I couldn’t find an appropriate wedding cake for this story, so this birthday cake will have to do. Sorry.

Earlier this year, Charles Ray proposed on-stage at a Fear Factory concert. And while I don’t like Fear Factory, I know plenty of intelligent people who do, and the fact that he got to pop the question in the middle of the show in front of Dino and God and everyone makes it pretty special.

But if he had just proposed on the floor of the show without any help from the band, well, no one would care. In fact, Charles would probably be considered déclassé for not at least, like, taking his lady to a nice dinner or something and proposing there.

And it is for this reason that I can’t understand why anyone would wanna get married at Ozzfest, unless the wedding was being officiated by Ozzy, or took place on-stage during Ozzy’s set (or someone’s set), or was going to be attended by Ozzy, or in some way, shape, or form,involved Ozzy or another band on the bill.

Yet Melinda Dolezal at Metal Insider tells us that this year Ozzfest is offering an “Unholy Matrimony” VIP package that goes for $266 per person and offers the following not-very-exciting-sounding features:

  • Ten general admission pit tickets (bride/groom and 8 guests)
  • Ozzfest Wedding Ceremony by ordained minister  Big Dave
  • Ozzfest Cake and Champagne Toast
  • Early entry into the venue
  • Exclusive pre-show Backstage Tour hosted by Ozzfest MC  Big Dave

So that’s $2,660 for your wedding and reception, which is seems pretty reasonable considering what people sometimes spend on this things, except that I don’t know who the fuck Big Dave is, I don’t know why I would want him to officiate or in any way be associated with my wedding, and since Ozzfest is only as good as the bands that play it, I don’t know why an “Ozzfest Cake” or backstage tour would be something I’d care about on what’s supposed to be a very special day. (In other words, the brand “Ozzfest” in and of itself doesn’t really mean anything, unlike, I dunno, your favorite sports franchise, or L O S T, or whatever your bar mitzvah theme of choice might be.) I mean, couldn’t they could get at least one of the bands playing the show involved? The dudes from Skeletonwitch and Goatwhore are pretty chill, so I bet if you asked real nice, they’d be happy to play “Here Comes the Bride” or whatever. And there’s also a meet and greet package for sale – you’d think said meet and greet would be included as part of this package so the happy couple could at least shake Ozzy’s hand and maybe get their picture taken. But, no. You pay the extra money and you get to hang out with Big Dave. Whoopee.

All of that being said, I hope some couple actually does this so we can watch videos of it on YouTube and giggle. If you think you that you and your beloved might be that couple, you can buy the package here.

Meanwhile, I hear Summer Slaughter is considering a special package where for just $75 per person, one of  Carnifex’s guitar techs will mediate your divorce. Stay tuned for details.

-AR

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