So Arsonists Get All the Girls did this PSA for Metal Injection, basically making sure you don’t set yourself, your home, or anyone you care about on fire:

But here’s the thing: if arsonists get all the girls, then why should I give a fuck about fire safety? The only people I should be concerned about not setting on fire are me and the girls I’m trying to get, right?

I think this PSA is just to trick people. I think these Arsonists just want all the girls to themselves.

Well, I ain’t falling for it, AGATG. Not ol’ Axl Rosenberg. Nope. In fact, I’m gonna go set my cute neighbor’s dog on fire right now. It was howling all night and kept me awake. Then, when the neighbor sees what I did and is all impressed with me, I’m gonna tap that ass. That’ll work… right?

-AR

Last month is was announced that Marilyn Manson and the young girl who lets him sodomize her, Evan Rachel Wood, would be co-starring in a retro slasher flick called Splatter Sisters, but other than it having some kind of road movie element, we actually weren’t told very much about the project. Now MTV has spoken to director Adam Bhala Lough, and gotten some details:

“It’s about two 18 year old beautiful drifter girls who go on a murderous rampage across California, killing scores of teenage boys. And they’re under mind control by the leader of this death metal band, this underground death metal band,” [Lough] said.

The death metal band leader in question is Lars, which is Manson’s role. He’s not just a rocker though. Lars also knows how to swing a sword! “There is a lot of samurai shit in [the movie] too because Lars is a samurai,” Lough said. “There is a lot of decapitation, a lot of arms getting chopped off, blood gushing, but in the beautiful way of a Japanese samurai film.”

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Ladies and Gentlemen, the world’s most popular sport on the world’s largest stage is finally upon us. Today marks the start of the 2010 South African World Cup.

I like stereotyping so I’m going to assume that most you live in your parents’ basement and do nothing but smoke weed and listen to metal all day. Since a lot of the World Cup games take place in the afternoon you all have ample time, and no reason, not to sit on your ass and watch. You haven’t seen things like this done to a ball since that time in fifth grade when you and your best friend were sexually curious and thought it would be cool to see how it felt. However, if I were to make a bet I would wager that most of you a) have never played soccer b) think soccer is the actual name of the sport (only America would name a sport [ahem football] after an appendage it rarely uses) or are c) still thinking about that time in fifth grade with your best friend.

To help you all through this month long journey I have put together a little dossier on some of the teams competing in the World Cup. In order for you to better comprehend the nuances of the teams I have compared them each to one aspect of metaldom. After all, this is a metal site.

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The prize for last week’s photo caption contest was a copy of At the Gates’ The Flames of the End 3x DVD set, a must have for any AtG fan. The winning caption for the photo at right is:

• Coop: “Winds of Plague keyboard tryouts.”

Ba-zing! This week we’re giving away two copies of Misery Index‘s latest death metal banger Heirs to Thievery (listen here). To win, just post a funny caption to the giggle-inducing photo below which continues on with our recent theme. (Remember, if you’re using FB Connect to login, include an email address with your comment so we can contact the winner). Go!

When we first heard about Diamondsnake, Moby’s new metal band with Dave “King of Metal” Hill and some other dudes, I had some questions about how they would walk that very line between actually-funny joke metal band (e.g., Gwar, Dethklok, etc.), and just-plain-stupid joke metal band.

And now that they’ve released a video, for the song “Storm the Fucking Kastle,” the answer has become apparent: they’re not going to walk that line. They are going to be very firmly on the side of just-plain-stupid joke metal band.

This video plays like the kind of thing you make with some friends for fun – but just because it makes you and your buddies laugh doesn’t mean it will do anything for the outside world. (I kinda suspect this is how SNL is written these days, too – I’m sure the “What Up with That” sketches seem hilarious in the writers’ room, but they’re really just tedious and dumb.) All the jokes here are obvious and consequently unfunny; it’s almost bordering on the level of a band like The Darkness, where I’m not even sure that people involved have any genuine affection for metal. In fact, if not for Hill’s presence, I’d say they don’t have any genuine affection for metal.

Check out the clip below, then agree or disagree with me in the comments section.

-AR

[via Metal Insider]

“You’ve got your whole life to write your first album, but only a few months to write your second.” No band proves this oft-uttered truism more than Boston. After penning a record where every single song was a contender for a hit — 1975′s chart-topping self-titled debut — Tom Scholz fell pray to the dreaded but sadly predictable sophomore jinx.

Since fixing my record player a few months back I’ve been diving headfirst into records I haven’t listened to in years like Boston’s second record Don’t Look Back, which served as the soundtrack for my Sunday morning Omelet-making project (onions, mushrooms and gruyere, if you’re wondering. with fresh homemade hash browns!). There’s no two ways about it; Don’t Look Back fucking sucks. There’s not a single song on the record that approaches even the weakest moments of the self-titled; the only one that even comes close is “Feelin’ Satisfied,” posted below, the Side B opener whose feel-good major key riffery and clap-along post-chorus evoke memories of the prior album’s “Peace of Mind.”

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Jon Wiederhorn at Noisecreep says “It’s too early to start making fun of Poison frontman Bret Michaels,” given all the terrible shit he’s been through lately - but I respectfully disagree. Am I really supposed to sit here and pretend that Bret Michaels is Ronnie James Dio? It doesn’t mean I hate Michaels, it just means I recognize that he’s a buffoon. If we weren’t laughing at Michaels, we wouldn’t be talking about him at all.

So. Michaels’ voice, a claymation version of his body, are making a cameo on the June 11 season premiere of Nick at Night’s Glenn Martin, DDS. And now a clip with Michaels’ appearance has found its way online.

I’ve never seen the show before, but based on this clip, it looks like I’m not missing anything. Still, there’s something so perfect about the way they captured Michaels… it looks like they gave a lady claymation figure some five o’clock shadow and called it a day. Which is perfect, ’cause. Y’know. Michaels basically looks like a lady with five o’clock shadow. No wonder my mom mistook him for my Aunt Sadie.

Bret Michaels on Nick at Nite’s Glenn Martin, DDS from NickPress on Vimeo.

-AR

Just a few hours ago my pal Axl declared that of the re-Bruced era of Iron Maiden, all of their output since the highly excellent Brave New World should be re-monikered Iron Mehden, and I’d have to agree. Dance of Death and A Matter of Life and Death aren’t bad albums, but they also aren’t that good — I don’t think I’ve listened to either one since they came out. And I’m certainly not alone in these sentiments; when Maiden toured the States on A Matter of Life and Death in 2006 and played the album in its entirety, fans were mighty pissed.

Get ready to be pissed again, because Metal Insider is reporting that the band’s forthcoming U.S. Tour with Dream Theater — which kicked off last night in Dallas — features mostly songs from the band’s past four albums (including the new, as yet unreleased The Final Frontier). Here’s the setlist:

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So Metal Insider tells me.

That’s not a huge shock; A7X, like many bands before them, love to party, and have made those habits a part of their very image. In this case, MI tells me, The Rev was taking “Codeine, Morphine, anxiety medications and alcohol,” which, y’know. Is a LOT of shit to be taking all at once. You do kinda wonder how someone takes all of that crap and doesn’t stop to think “This is probably a bad idea.”

It’s a sad story, but it’s one we’ve heard before and is one we will no doubt hear again (possibly very soon). We can ask ourselves “When are young rock stars gonna learn?”, but we all know the answer: “Never.” They are never going to learn. Sad but true.

Chew it over and share your thoughts in the comments section below.

-AR

Under normal circumstances I might be inclined to make fun of “Mission Statement,” the first new song we’ve heard from Stone Sour’s upcoming Audio Secrecy; but coming after the putrid waste of everything that is the new Methods of Mayhem song, it sounds like it was written by a super-group consisting of Saint-Saëns, John Lennon, and a young James Hetfield.

Actually, I keep thinking that it sounds like some 90′s alt-arena-rock band trying to do a Sepultura song. Which makes since, I guess, since Stone Sour really wanna be a 90′s alt-arena-rock band, the members of which probably all grew up on Sepultura.

You can download the song here if you want. It’s really nothing special (again, it’s Stone Sour, so no shocks there), but it’s free, so, uh, why not?

-AR

Last week this guy became an interwebz sensation, when everyone seemed to collectively realize all at once that he’s clearly the best drummer in the history of the instrument:

Now the investigative journalists at Metal Injection tell me that this God amongst men is named Steve Moore, and that he was recently interviewed by City Pages, who learned that – no surprise – he started out as a metal drummer:

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The band is The Crash Kings. Well done, guys.

-VN

Fuck you, Tommy Lee.

You stupid, talentless hack. You waste of sperm and egg and food and water and air. Every day resources are wasted on you, when they could be utilized on someone else. Every seven seconds someone in the United States dies, which means you should feel guilty every seven seconds. Sure, we can’t prevent some of those deaths, but if you live while we don’t stop the ones we could prevent, well, then we have all failed. There is literally no piece of food or liquid that you’re good enough to consume. Every single bite. Should go. To another mouth.

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Last week our homeslice Anso D-muthafuckin’-F got people arguing about which Maiden album is the worst in their discography. But that seems so silly to me, when, clearly, the correct answer is, “Anything from the Blaze Bayley era.” Seriously, I think the band’s post-Brave New World material (including the new single, “El Dorado,” which does nothing for me) should have been released under the name “Iron Mehden,” but it’s all still better than anything from The X Factor, which sounds exactly like 8,000 terrible unsigned bands from New Jersey, all of whom have e-mailed us or mailed us their life-shortening demos.

No. That discussion is a waste of time. Sorry. Clearly, what we should be focusing on is that which will define the band’s legacy long after they are gone: their album art.

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I’m still just a bit baffled by the Russian infatuation of Finnish doomster KYPCK (pronounced “Kursk”), but when you make doom this good it really doesn’t matter where you’re from.

Still… a baritone guitar dubbed “Lopashnikov” made from an AK-47? Um, ok.

I admit, it’s pretty fucking cool-looking. More pictures on KYPCK’s official website.

-VN

Thanks: Antti L.

Just yesterday a brewery employee was telling us a story about how his boss instructed him to serve a glass of water to anyone who ordered a Bud Light or Coors Light or Amstel Light or pretty much any generic light beer. Which is pretty funny, but let’s be real, it should probably be a glass of carbonated piss.

I’m saying I don’t like light beer and I don’t much see the point of it.

So. Last night I was watching The Daily Show when this Bud Light commercial with Steel Panther aired. (This being the future, bootleg commercials are on YouTube so bored/crazy people like us can watch them and discuss them.) Now, you can’t accuse Steel Panther of selling out because they were never really a bastion of artistic integrity, but you can bust their balls for shilling for bad beer.

But now that I think it, I can’t remember the last time I saw a television commercial for good beer. Huh. Weird.

ANYWAY, the silver (steel?) lining in this is that, hey, at least it’s more entertaining than most other commercials.

-AR

A press release sent out earlier this week by Epitaph Records to (presumably) the heavy music blogosphere proclaimed that by not covering Refused’s The Shape of Punk to Come reissue I’d be doing my readers a disservice. And that “If you’re unfamiliar with the band, ask anyone.”

Touche, good sir. You’re right on both counts!

The Shape of Punk to Come, originally released in 1998, really did shape the form of punk for the next 10 years, ushering in an era of metallic post-hardcore oft copied but never duplicated. Simply put, it was one of the most revolutionary albums of its time — just look at all the nice things the rock and metal luminaries have to say about it in the above trailer. The 3-disc deluxe reissue edition includes the classic album, their DVD documentary Refused is F*cking Dead and a never before released live album. Though this reissue wasn’t the new album we hoped would be coming when Refused posted a mysterious message on their website in March, it’s still pretty fucking cool and an essential purchase for any fan. You can hear the live version of their most famous jam “New Noise” on their MySpace page.

Order The Shape of Punk to Come reissue on Refused’s official website.

-VN

We love a good feud ’round the Mansion, and since Burton and Dino kissed, made up and had a fancy baby-eating party last year we haven’t really had much to get excited about. Enter Winds of Plague; the deathcore outfit’s constantly rotating arsenal of girls who stand on stage looking pretty female keyboard players is the stuff that’s made of legends (they’ve now had six!) all on its own, and a recent podcast on The Gauntlet has added some fuel to the fire.

The Gauntlet had Abigail Williams singer/guitarist Ken Sorceron and guitarist Ian Jekelis in the studio for their June 6th podcast (available here), and when the interviewer asked what happened with ex-keyboard player Alana Potocnik – who abruptly left Abigail Williams to join Winds of Plague mere hours before a tour in November of 2009 — he got a whole lot more than he’d bargained for with tales of shit-talking, deception and secret love affairs!

Fun! A quick transcription of a portion of the interview after the jump.

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Holy shit, you guys are sad. NO CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED LAST WEEK’S LOGO, which belonged to a band a called Proctalgia. But literally, every single person got it wrong. Oh well. At least no one guessed it was Slipknot’s logo.

So. That means I still have two copies of The Haunted’s new DVD/CD set, Road Kill, to unload. (And in case ya haven’t seen it, we have an exclusive clip from the DVD here.) So you fuckers better try harder this week!

All you have to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail at axl AT metalsucks DOT net with your answer, your name, and your address. From everyone who gets it right, we’ll randomly select two winners and announce his or her names next week.

Because you guys are pussies who can’t handle your shit, I’ve chosen a really, really easy logo this week, which was suggested by reader Ryan Schutte. Don’t fuck it up.

-AR

The fact that the Nevermore North American Tour 2010 has already been announced isn’t lost on us… but since any good metal tour auto-magically looks cooler with our logo followed by “Presents…” atop its bill, we figured we’d jump on and sponsor it! Neo-thrashers Warbringer, American neo-melodeathsters Mutiny Within and Denmark’s melodeath/thrashsters Hatesphere are on the bill as well, making for a fun bill of metal that will kick off in Vancouver on September 23rd, circle around the U.S., and wrap in Edmonton on November 5th.

What does this mean for us? Well, besides getting to stroke our ego every time we look at the poster, we get a pair of VIP tickets for every show. And for you lucky chaps, you get to be the recipients of said VIP tickets. Golly! Details for how to win those will be announced soon.

And even better, “Create Your Own Conspiracy Contest” winner Ben Robson gets his shot to perform his version of “The Obsidian Conspiracy” with the band in his hometown of Pittsburgh on October 25th; and since Century Media had graciously offered to fly him and a friend to a show for the performance, Ben gets to use that money to bring down a whole buncha friends and family instead. If you live in or near Pittsburgh, do not miss this special show!

Full list of tour dates after the jump. Sorry Floridians, but you get screwed once again (and as usual, not our fault!).

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