Cinemetal

A PLETHORA OF TERRIFICALLY TERRIBLE NEW METAL VIDEOS

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See, Suicide Silence? Now this is how you make a bad video!

It seems like there were just a Hoglan-load of new videos released over the long weekend, and most of them are pretty frickin’ weak. That’s not really a shock, ’cause everyone knows that at least 99% of all music videos will make you wish you were Helen Keller. What is a shock is how terrifically terrible they are — in other words, that they are sure to engage your tickley parts. (The last one of these is kinda NSFW, I guess, depending on where you W. Fair warning.)

First up we have this band Magica. Like Suicide Silence, they have lots of boring footage of the band standing in front of a white backdrop, — but unlike SS, they intercut it with this way engrossing story about the lead singer getting purse snatched and then, like, going to the doctor and the priest and stuff. And when’s the last time you saw a metal video — or any kind of music video, for that matter — about a lady getting her bag stolen? This shit is original, son.

Also dealing with real world issues with which metal fans everywhere can relate is End Green, whose video for “Goodnight Insomnia” hinges on the suspense of whether or not a young waitress will be caught for stealing from her employer. And even though that’s a scummy move, I guess we’re supposed to sympathize with her ’cause she has all that shit in face, which, as we all know, is shorthand for “metalhead.” Of course, her boss has a chain wallet, so maybe we’re supposed to like him, too. I dunno, it’s a little confusing, like the end of 2001. But I really like how it turns into a heavy metal Thelma & Louise, only without the happy ending where the two bitches off themselves.


Of course, if all this Ladri di biciclette-esque realism isn’t your bag, then there’s always this psychedelic offering from Heavenly. It has Cheesy Queen tributes! A half-naked chick dancing (poorly) for no apparent reason! Random mirror images that appear to have been made on iMovie! YES!!!

-AR

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