PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A COPY OF BISON B.C.’S DARK AGES

Thursday, July 8th, 2010 at 6:00pm by

Last week we offered up CD copies of Ozzy’s entire solo discography along with an autographed copy of his latest, Scream. After much deliberation, here is the winner I’ve chosen:

  • Haws: “The Russian Sailor and Tim Lincecum official band photo.”

+1 for the baseball reference! [Side note: Let's Go Mets!] A shout-out is also in order for Christian Voltaggio who chimed in with another excellent entry: “Hair Iron Dissonance.” But alas, there can only be one winner. Christian, if you’re reading this, email your address to me at vince [at] metalsucks [dot] net and I’ll hook you up with a box of goodies just because.

This week’s curious photo comes from reader Neil Pretorius. In exchange for coming up with a funny photo for it, we’ll give you a copy of Bison B.C.’s latest face-ripper-offer Dark Ages courtesy our friends at Metal Blade Records. Remember to comment with a real email address so we can contact the winners, or to write your email address into the comment if you’re using FB Connect.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/palehorseofhell lord assenfroth

    something about that looks illegal

    • Bayonetwork

      Amon Afart

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sean-Barrie/695461310 Sean Barrie

    After years of tribulation and hard-ship, one of King Arthur’s knights has finally found the Holy Female Grail.

  • Jose G.

    Olaf’s Secret ingredient is Christian women.

  • Bilbsy

    Now we know what happened in the Amon Amarth song
    Fate of Norns

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Edwards/100000527928466 Brian Edwards

      Win!

  • drumdude1616

    After a brief period of excitement, Amon Amarth’s singer was struck with disappointment when he realized he couldn’t score with his first groupies because his hot tub was far too small.

  • Sacajawea

    This horny MetalSucks patron was upset when Axl promised he would see “lesbians, boobs, and cocaine” at the medieval festival.

    • metalguy

      +1 for relevance

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Casey-Carnage/1021412523 Casey Carnage

    … and for your main course at the Royal Duck Diner, Boiled Virgin, stewed in a sweet vinaigrette, garnished with a plethora of mixed, sliced vegetables, with a nice Chianti, with a side of Farver Beans.

    casey@carnagecrew.net

  • Deven

    Ritchie Blackmore’s family reunion 2010

  • Permafrost

    Back in the olden times, this is how the Catholic Church prepared their meals.

  • Sacajawea

    The real Slipknot lyrics.

    “If your 5-years-old I got a 6-INCH-DICK!”

  • Sacajawea

    It’s good to see the Neverland Ranch is still operational more than 1 year after Michael Jackson’s death…

  • Mr. Parker

    After killing some bears he thought to himself. This one is too short and fat, this one is taller but homely. But this one, this one is just right.

  • Malamor

    Life after Neverland Ranch

  • Sacajawea

    If you look closely, it looks like he has already snagged one fo the children. Those little hands in front of him are not his. That’s not a comment, but seriously what’s going on there. I’m a little worried…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tanner-Westhomas/1506171449 Tanner Westhomas

      those are his little hands

      • Sacajawea

        Are you sure? They look like they are coming up from below.

  • Sacajawea

    Pedopheliacs main fault is their poor choice of camoflauge.

    • Bread

      Hahaha pedopheliac…

  • Bicro

    3 kids, 1 Viking.

  • Joe

    See the water rise,
    Bubbles are raging high,
    Soon all will boil and die
    Boil for honor, glory, death in water!

  • Loni

    Just because they are 3 six year olds, it does NOT make your promo photo metal.

  • BruisedMetal

    Knight costumes are so 1700′s… and so is the sacrificing of virgins!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lance-Zeran/100000142665110 Lance Zeran

    The Austrian Black Metal scene has a larger variety to offer than the other, more traditional European scenes.

    Zeraninator@gmail.com

  • Sacajawea

    Dude what are you doing?!? The Gods don’t want virgin sacrifices, it says here they want sluts! Also, sacrifice a keg of beer and some 2Pac cds.

  • Aaron

    To raid or not to raid…….

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffrey-Adam-Danyleyko/504705386 Jeffrey Adam Danyleyko

    “No’eth fat’eth chicketh!”

  • MeesterDerp

    This is how a real warrior makes soup.

  • ImMattMan

    Wouldst thou care for another helping of bitch soup?

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Hot Tub Time Machine

    • Kuranes

      I changed my mind – this wins.

  • ian

    The cover for the new Graveland album leaked.

  • H3

    Perhaps a blistering solo will help speed up the stew by melting the childrens’ faces.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Double double toil and trouble
    Kid on the right makes cauldron bubble

    • Sacajawea

      Haha, I always get a good chuckle out of yours.

      • Sacajawea

        Or I guess that should be, yours always get a good chuckle out of me?


        You make me giggly.

  • Rob

    Nambla Stew

  • Andy Synn

    “Mr. Borgir? Your rider has arrived…”

  • Pete

    “Your pool sucks, and your dad’s a creepy weirdo. I’m going home.”

    • Sacajawea

      For some reason that has me cracking up. It’s not clever or anything, but it’s just so damn funny.

  • Alex W

    Chris Hansen is standing right behind me isn’t he.

  • fightingmike

    Primae Noctis

  • zach

    Medieval Brunch

  • fightingmike

    Belphegor Music Video Tryouts

  • Romaould the Loquacious

    Oh no! It’s Nordic Chris Hansen! A-yinger hinger yergan!

  • kevkevbangbang123

    the pedophile’s handbook:

    rule #1: Always boil the little girls.
    rule #2: Wear a costume, they will think it’s fun.

  • Chris Prod

    this is what happens when the amish get their hands on technology

  • Austin Nutter

    Dino asked his chef for aged steak.

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    Sir Gals-I-Grabbed

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    Hot Tub Crime Machine

    • kidgruesome

      This one made me smile.

  • Inheritance Funded Vengeance

    after many legal sanctions, this image depicts the only legal form of medeival torture left

  • Fuckin Eh

    His mind is a cauldron of rape.

  • Major Zim

    lets see chris hansen ask HIM to take a seat…

  • systemsdown

    After being caught on camera, Dino has taken to disguising himself in public

    cpennock187@hotmail.com

  • McHammered

    Yarg’s proudly looks on at the girls he scored for his hot tub party after the Ensiferum concert.

  • Double D

    Those Mormons just keep getting weirder and weirder…

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    So any of you ladies ever been percolated?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Adragna/18902481 Richard Adragna

    Something tells me that soup is not going to taste very well.

    adragnarichard@gmail.com

  • Jonathan

    He wouldn’t have to boil them first if they were Juggalos, because then they’d run from home and right to him.

  • Jacob

    Tubs of Northern Darkness

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeremy-Talabac/610402415 Jeremy Talabac

      LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant believe no one got the Immortal reference

  • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com/ Alkahest

    Surprisingly, this picture was actually taken in my back yard.

    And if you didn’t know, I’m from Kentucky.

  • Coop

    ‘Tis the dwarves that go swimming, with little hairy women!

  • Kye

    Graveland – Five to Ten Chariots of Destruction

  • \m/Eluveitie\m/

    “Here’s to simmerin’ bow-legged women”

  • hyperkulturemia

    Medieval Times is now serving traditional British cuisine.

  • matt

    Cover of the new HolyNature DVD

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Oates/1476540021 Jordan Oates

    To catch a Predator: Viking Edition

    And…

    Muslims get 72 virgins. Vikings get 3 minors in barrel.

    And…

    What awaits in Vahalla.

    jco5055@psu.edu

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Oates/1476540021 Jordan Oates

      *a* barrel

  • TanyaRocksMe

    Here, a visual embodiment of what Viking Metal bands have in mind when you say “after-party”.

  • BruisedMetal

    Amon Amarth declare they are the most metal band ever because they cook and eat their young

  • iolanach

    Not really a funny comment, just pointing out that’s actually Rob Darken of Graveland and his daughters.

    Normal stuff at the Darken household, i reckon.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jordan-Oates/1476540021 Jordan Oates

      Is he the guy that used to wear corpsepaint and I read that he was like a big racist or had pro-nazi views?

      • iolanach

        pretty much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Catt-Mooper/864625407 Catt Mooper

    Before the Catholic Church molested children, it was the Knights of the Round Table.

  • vinterkat

    3 delicious virgins!

  • Jizzmaster3000

    3 Girls, 1 Chalice.

  • hexbasher

    This is a typical example of Nowegian Viking Porn. Very Cliche’. The conqueror invades to rape and pilage the land, and finds himself a hot tub of horny christians. Its North American counter-part is the cable guy who comes over to fix the TV only to find a horny teenager and her topless friend who is there to use the shower. You can only guess what happens next…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Skyler-Diotte/624920439 Skyler Diotte

    viking stew

  • Heywood

    Viking Metal is like a hot tub for the mind.

  • >_>

    3 Girls 1 Cradle of Filth

  • Lord Assenrape

    GRAVELAND IS BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE BAND!

  • TheHangingBrain

    Rub a dub dub, a Viking and 3 wenches in a tub.

  • Dink

    Unleashed “Legal Rapes”

  • http://bloodandthumbsticks.blogspot.com/ The Overmatt

    Hot Tub Time Machine 2: Fate of Dames.

  • Dwarfskeet

    Hey. Look what I built. A fence. And three ladies.

  • chris

    Norwegian bands have the craziest shit on their backstage riders

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dave-Muntean/604963624 Dave Muntean

    This is why Time isn’t finished yet… Jari is too busy trying to pick up chicks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dave-Muntean/604963624 Dave Muntean

      Oops forgot. crashring@gmail.com

  • Vlygar

    Norway’s anti-pedophile law works.

  • Douglas Lavigne

    “I DID ALL OF THEM, EVEN THE ONE ON THE RIGHT!”

  • brandon

    BEHOLD… Immortal minus corpsepaint

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Vanderven/502827008 Mike Vanderven

    “It’s really fucking hot.”

  • Chief

    “Who wants to play Hide the Deli Meat?”

  • Moltanic

    Boy, Pedobear sure does have some great disguises.

    Moltanic@Gmail.com

  • RomuluXX

    It must be some kind of…Hot Tub Belphegor Machine

  • chase

    The first ever known photo of aman amarth

  • Cryptosis

    You must try Erik the berserker’s women and children soup when it is ready, it’s to die for!

  • Sylvester

    Look, it’s Grutle from Enslaved, guarding the wench bath!

  • SomeKid

    Ensiferum’s bassist goes 2 for 3

  • One of the Uno Champions

    Thanks, eHarmony!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Reilly-Mulligan/1588285339 Reilly Mulligan

    See? LARPing DOES get you chicks! Well, 8 year olds, at least…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sean-Heron/9391234 Ryan Sean Heron

    ten years in the future, with the popularity of viking metal waning, the members of Amon Amarth will be forced to play children’s parties for cash.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brit-Granite/582086079 Brit Granite

    I hate family vacation photos. Dad is such a fucking nerd!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brit-Granite/582086079 Brit Granite

      God damn my soul I always forget!
      kyle.palmer@hotmail.com

  • foobear

    Hrothgar Time Machine

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brit-Granite/582086079 Brit Granite

    Are you ladies familiar with the story of Thor fighting Jormungand, the trouser serpent?

    kyle.palmer@hotmail.com

  • mmmmmmmm

    FINGER LICKIN GOOOODDDD

  • Raoul Dukenstein

    This is why Gaahl went gaay.

    Massextinctionvi@gmail. com

  • vasteburai

    Corpsegrinder told the retarded cannibal corpse obsessed fan, “it’s butchered at birth, not boiled at birth”

  • Dan B

    FemaViking Pornogrind

  • Wade Wiseman

    Ehh… I’d fuck em’.

  • thomas wallace

    this is how TYR and amon amarth get girls wet.

  • Lion Slicer

    “wenches brew”

  • Dalton Hinton

    And this was the day that Johan Hegg plundered his first booty…

  • rattleh3ad

    I gotta agree with Meatloaf on this one….”Two out of three ain’t bad!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shaman-Phair/555766212 Shaman Phair

    “A Cauldron of Bait”

    shamanphair@gmail.com

  • Dress To Depress

    HANSON STEW’S READY!! COOOOOOOOOOOME AND GIT’ IT!!!!

  • Frampler

    Is this the cover of the new Dimmu Borgir album “Viking Paedophile Jacuzzi”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ilija-Stajic/1150940770 Ilija Stajic

    THERE’S BLOOOD IN THE WATER!!!

    Scream_aim_fire__@hotmail.com

  • Goolash

    Finally! Korpliklaani will eats some pussy!

    skinny_p_2004@yahoo.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Malignant-Moonshine/699682789 Malignant Moonshine

    Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ross-King/585314817 Ross King

    It’s some kind of .. Hot Tub Time Machine!

  • Teddy

    In Russia, meal cooks you!

  • Teddy

    “As per your request, Mr. Amarth, half a keg and three blonde 10s.”

  • Bill Feiock

    Let’s play fuck, marry, kill!

  • Mike

    And now the 2010-2011 Miami Heat with their head coach Pat Riley.

  • (required)

    It was beginning to look like Godfrey had taken a wrong turn on his way to the Crusades…or had he?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathan-Labadie/100000294085373 Jonathan Labadie

    Pedo soup…
    It’s like Wheaties for vikings

    Jonathan.Labadie@gmail.com

  • f-u

    These contests are fucking gay.

  • Biclops

    Roman Polanski’s vision for the “Holy Diver” video was promptly rejected by KsE.

  • Robotscythe

    This is the last time we invite Albert Fish to the Renaissance Fair.

  • sumguy42

    The auditions for Scorpions ‘Virgin Killer’ Album cover.

  • Jirky

    Fresh from his latest stint in prison, Tripp Eisen began working on promotional photos for his new viking metal project.

  • Mutt Weiler

    Your bitches brew is boring and sleepy you need to wake it up with Captain Morgan’s Lime Bite. Take a bite outta this…Sir Galahad-bro.

  • Metaljesus

    No such thing as Jailbait in Valhalla, just tang.

  • AARONIUS

    Amon Amarth is finally giving back to the kids with their own version of Rock School.

    Amon Amarth dude:” Listen kids if you want to play man’s music you have to bathe like men do!” “Deep in the black forest of dreams…….near the…….uh…….apartments of DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!”

    “By the way when you’re finished come up to apartment 7A. Vlad has towels and lemonade for everybody………OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  • dewayne barton

    amon amarts medieval hot tub time machine,gone wrong

  • dewayne barton

    sorry typo…amon amarths

  • DarthHader

    Wench soup: A viking staple.

  • Clayer

    “As soon as this fucking cameraman leaves I’m going rub-a-dub-dick”

  • Clayer

    Hey girls, my mom is out of town for the weekend wanna come over and play vikings?

  • dan nash

    it looks like the chicks from kittie are finally getting what they deserve.

  • Ted

    At “medieval times” sometimes the backstage area got a little crazy. Here’s a pic of us in 1992, tripping face while in a medieval bathtub after the Motorhead show, with “Sir” Lemmy (in full knight costume).

  • Seth

    Arg! Virgin stew is great for young Vikings! Arg!

  • J

    Human soup fot the soul.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Monte-Bateman/100000492008617 Monte Bateman

    Aww crap, Poser Stew Again?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eric-Ramos/100001138303818 Eric Ramos

    Alas, I have found the pot of sweet anal gold.

  • Cryzthormagnusian

    Behold! Sir Pedophilia bears gifts for your lordship!

  • http://www.omimetal.wordpress.com The Greys

    This has been very likely been written already, but what the hell:

    “Are they done yet? Lord Dragonoth hungry!”

  • thelump

    Folk metal band tries to adopt the “seriousness” found in black metal, but still manages to be a joke.

  • Joe the Almighty

    Sire, I have reason to believe these three are witches.

  • http://myspace.com/shepherdsgatemusic,myspace.com/burymeinsmokemusic Michael “The Armenian Demon” Fenton

    I child rape in your general direction!!!!!

  • betz m.

    (boiled) wenches and mead.

  • Joh

    And this is what happens when you pee in the tub

  • Teddy

    Faith No Morals

  • Brandon N

    ahhhhh i remember those days……….
    wish i didnt

  • Pancho

    “Carolingian Cunny – check it out Saturday 12 am at History Channel eXXXtreme, putting the HO back in HOstory”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Josh-Gunderson/558802108 Josh Gunderson

    Hot Tub Chi-Mochine

  • joeydiphard

    On the next episode of Medieval Cooking, special guest Dino Cazares shares his soup recipe. Deeeee-lish!

  • DieByTheChord

    Renaissance fair-y.

  • Heywood

    Amon Amarth – With Oden on Our Side – 09 – Prediction of Cannibalism.mp3

  • hillarayofsunshine

    this isnt right we need lucy

  • scottp

    rub-a-dub-dub three svinet’s in a tub

  • Hagar

    What’s in your wallet?

  • Zgreebla

    Isnt this the picture from Pee Wees Playhouse?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Stamopoulos/575083326 Steven Stamopoulos

    Chainmail hides boners that much better than denim can

  • Zach Dase

    Jorund’s quest to subdue and burn three witches was thwarted when he just couldn’t get the water to boil hot enough.

  • jj

    crap picture for even crappier band. graveland is absolutely horrible.

  • Jack

    A
    Mere,
    Obvious
    Note,

    All
    Members
    Admire
    Raping
    Tiny
    Humans

  • dale schmucker

    this is an episode from TO CATCH A PREDITOR hello i’m chris hansen from dateline nbc. have a seat. I have a few questions for you!!!!!!!!!!!

  • DNS666

    Cover art for the upcoming BluRay re-release of Black Sabbath’s 1998 live effort “The Last Supper”. According to manager Sharon Osbourne, the original cover art had to be dropped due to a legal dispute with its creator, Leonardo DaVinci. Osbourne’s husband, former Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne, was not available to comment.

  • Obsolete

    The world-renowned norwegian site of the Playboy Mansion, proudly presented by Huge Elfnerd

  • Teddy

    Chain-Mail Order Brides

  • kaffebaggel

    Viking Wench-cleaning! For a small fee we will come to your shores and clean your dirty wenches while you wait! (Warning: light plundering and pillaging may occur)

  • James

    Ladies, this was NOT what I had in mind when I asked if you were into watersports!

  • crapper

    Black Metal Brunch.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Grey-Price/1485185269 Grey Price

    Tired of the usual dog fights for entertainment, Bjorn has his own children boiled alive.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Grey-Price/1485185269 Grey Price

    self cleaning coven?

  • blackwaterburial

    Camelot has may tourist attractions

  • Chad Smith

    Now we know exactly why it was called the dark ages, and coincidentally why all the men covered there faces with helmets.

  • troe

    “Pay no attention to the man in the chain-mail and hat…”

  • Suicidemachine

    He set the cauldron to boil.

  • Capt.Bastrd

    “This is my rape cauldron.”

  • Cory

    Monty Bi-thons and the search for their holy grail’s

  • PaulterA

    “MOM! Uncle Skaldergar’s watching us bathe again!”

  • kyle voss

    It would be Michael Jackson on halloween but they are little girls not little boys

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Seiler/1084345737 Mark Seiler

    Dead Wench Ale
    mseiler3@cox.net

  • J-Rod

    Kid Rock’s lifestyle change has the little ones quite intrigued.

  • Joe

    “My Lord, we have run out of boiling oil to cast down upon the besieging infidels!”

    “Heat rocks until they glow red, and fling those at the usurpers”

    “But My Lord, we have no more rocks. We are lost!”

    “Not yet, we’re not. Time to toss the pleasantly-warmed homely wenches at ‘em!”

  • Crazy Eyes

    Even vikings had to have pimps.