This isn’t nearly as funny as it could have been, and it’s way, way too long — but it has its moments.

Part two after the jump.

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Usually when a fad fizzles, its casual fans disperse and its faithful just hang tough. But no trend, including the macarena and Jewel, has been subjected to the hostility and convenient disgust that follows Glam Metal and its fans. Perhaps the extra-harsh reaction is proportionate to its success as an inescapable, nearly decade-long craze that dominated radio and TV. Perhaps a lot of macho dickheads and party-haters are defensive about what they consider a shameful episode of rock transvestism. Perhaps the haters just seem louder because Glam Metal’s fanbase has failed, unlike those of hip hop and classic rock, to perpetuate itself via self-righteous documentaries, a half-assed hall of fame, and/or positions of power within critical music media. Perhaps it’s all three.

But there’s no changing the fact that Glam Metal’s great moments are great. And millions of people paid cash to enjoy those great moments. How could it not have been fun?

To help us relive those hair metal moments, we welcome Bring Back Glam! scribe Allyson B. Crawford, America’s foremost Glam Metal scholar. Today, Allyson and MS hair rock apologist Anso DF assemble the essential Glam Metal library for beginners and veterans. An oral history, a time capsule, a how-to kit, a party starter, a cheat sheet to win the heart of hair rockers, whatever you want to call it — it’s all about the loudest, dirtiest, beer-chuggingest, drugs-snortingest records in music history. And you don’t even have to be glam to read it. But it doesn’t hurt.

Forget the hype. Forget the history. Forget the backlash. This is the real shit.

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Axl’s post about gay porno grind band Bear Party seems to have set off something of a hot button issue at MetalSucks over the past couple of weeks. Betsey send us a whole bunch of openly gay punk and hardcore bands, some of which were quite good, and we’ve gotten a few links to openly gay death metals bands, none of whom were really good at all.

There’s also the following sketch comedy skit about fake gay metal band Shit Baby Panic which I think is pretty damn funny and paints the homophobia of metal culture as a whole in a humorous light. Because even though we’ve been highlighting the small bit of gay culture within the metal community, there’s a long way to go.

-VN

Thanks: Joey Ladiv and SkApEgOaTt

You didn’t seriously think I’d let Hair Metal Week pass by without once again plugging Ratt’s tremendous comeback album Infestation, did you?

It’s really that good. Promise! Where so many hair bands — or, shit, bands of any era whose time in the sun has come and gone — try to recreate the past and end up instead with a dull approximation, Ratt have completely and 100% captured the sound that made them so great in the first place. The combination of Warren DeMartini’s endless supply of tasty riffs mixed with ex-Quiet Riot axe slinger Carlos Cavazo’s own songwriting abilities and delicious solos — channeled through the so-good-it-hurts production of Michael “Elvis” Baskette — makes for a winning formula that still has Infestation in constant rotation these many months after its release.

It’s a fantastic album you need to hear if you are or ever were a fan of even just one Ratt song. Stream the entire album here (in the widget farther down the page). Trust me on this one.

-VN

PS: Check out the interview Carlos Ramirez did for us with Ratt drummer Bobby Blotzer (he talks lots of smack!) and another interview Zena Metal did for us with Stephen Pearcy in which he seems tickled with the idea of Ratturday.

Last week Axl wrote about Antagonist’s new song, “Sasha Grey” (stream it here), and wondered what the California quartet had against one of metal’s most beloved porn stars. Well, guess what? Vocalist/guitarist Carlos Garcia e-mailed MetalSucks to explain! And, as it turns out, there is no animosity towards Ms. Grey. Read on for the whole story…

Funny ass article, not going to lie. Thanks to Axl Rosenberg for being lighthearted about the song title, and not taking it too seriously, as some of the people on here have. Here’s the scoop on our song (and sorry to disappoint you all):

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Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

As with many rock and metal bands that the major labels brought to prominence towards the end of the hair era (non-definitely, let’s just say approximately ’89-’91), Saigon Kick were mis-marketed — and hence misconstrued in the public eye — as hair metal. It didn’t help that, like so many hair metal bands, the big hit that catapulted them into public view was a power ballad. So despite incorporating myriad influences from funk to punk to, of course, metal, Saigon Kick were written off by a mostly apathetic public who, in the post-Nirvana era, thought that if it had long hair and heavy guitars it must also have a ridiculous level of machismo and poofy hair. SO not the case with Saigon Kick, a terrific band who ironically may have experienced more success had the kind of music people thought they pedaled still been in style.

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I kind of lost track of The Showdown over the past couple of years. I absolutely loved their 2007 southern-metal-meets-cock-rock Temptation Comes My Way because of the way the band so seamlessly mixed those two styles and melded them into a cohesive, song-focused effort. Their 2008 release Back Breaker was significantly more aggro and heavied the fuck up; gone were the Motley Crue-inspired guitar riffs and hip-swingin’ Southern grooves, and in their place was a whole lotta aggressive, downtuned riffing and double-bass drumming. Despite Back Breaker being a perfectly fine effort — and despite the fact that heavier is usually a good thing — I just couldn’t get into it as much as I had Temptation.

Two years later The Showdown are back with another full-length in Blood In The Gears (August 24th, Solid State); the title track and, most recently, “Heavy Lies the Crown” are both available on their MySpace page. The songs are in the heavier, more modern vein the band moved to with Back Breaker, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing it just doesn’t have the same appeal to me as Temptation Come My Way. I know a lot of folks love the band’s pre-Temptation album A Chorus of Obliteration and for them these last two albums probably mark a welcomed return to form… but not for this guy.

Oh well. Tell me why I’m wrong in the comments.

-VN

Read part one, regarding Mr. Richie Kotzen, here.

The story of Blues Saraceno’s tenure with Poison is a sad, sad story indeed.

Saraceno was a solo instrumentalist, kind of in the vain of guys like Joe Satriani and Steve Vai, but really more like Kenny G. Saraceno released three albums on Guitar Recordings between 1989 and 1994: Never Look Back, Plaid, and Hairpick. Although his guitar tone was certainly unique and his magazine ads brandished a hyperbolic endorsement from Dweezil Zappa (I don’t remember it exactly, but it was something along the lines of, “This guy is so good I wanna punch him.”), I’m not entirely convinced that anyone really cared about who he was for any reason other than he kinda looked like Slash. (To your left is the largest photo of Saraceno in his Slash phase that I was able to find. Seriously.)

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Look France, what did we do to deserve this? Was it the Freedom Fries thing? One of the guys behind that isn’t in office anymore, and most of us thought it was pretty dumb. Steve Martin in the Pink Panther reboot? We’re not proud of that, either. The jokes about how much you guys like Jerry Lewis? In our defense, you do like him a lot, and, come on, he sucks. So really, there’s no reason to keep trumping us so thoroughly in metal. It’s just mean at this point. Already home to Gojira and most likely the year’s best blackened feelings metal album (Alcest’s Écailles de Lune)  on top of all the other really incredible bands I’ve mentioned previously from the last few years, you have to go and pull some bullshit like producing sludgy doom-obsessed outre-metallers Eibon, trouncing us once again in a department we had once so excelled in. We’re in the middle of the longest economic downturn since the Great Depression and everyone hates everyone here; the least you can do is let us still have our awesome shoegazing sludgy doom bands. But based on the ridiculous excellence of Eibon’s debut full length, Entering Darkness, it’s apparent that you guys are gonna be dicks about this, too.

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There are very few things in this world I would willingly own up to enjoying even if it meant enduring endless grief — but hair metal is one of those things. That being said, I always involuntarily cringe when someone asks me to recommend a band in the genre, because, well, a lot of the names are total crap. I completely believe you have to judge a book by it’s cover — how else will you know if it’s any good? — and a band’s name has always served me as the first clue in their “cover,” so to speak.

Hair metal band names require a few certain things; references to animals or power or danger are a plus. If there can be allusions to sleaze and/or sexual prowess, maybe juxtaposed with virginal innocence, you’re headed in the right direction. And if they can do all that and throw in some umlauts and misspellings, then it’s gold. But there is such a thing as too much, and those monikers are the ones that just make you wonder exactly how coked out the band members were when they decided that it would be a good name for band.

And so, I give you the ten worst.

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In case you somehow missed those banners on either side of the page today, Chimaira’s massive three-disc DVD/CD set, Coming Alive, is out as of right now. I can’t write a review yet because, honestly, I haven’t been able to get through it all — not because it’s not awesome, but because there’s just so damn much of it. The Todd Bell documentary alone is three hours! Sheesh.

But what I have ingested thus far has been excellent. And now the live CD portion of the collection — recorded this past December at the tenth annual Chimaira Christmas hometown gig in Cleveland — is streaming here. If for some reason you didn’t pre-order Coming Alive and are still on the fence about buying it, go listen and be convinced.

And I promise to have a review up just as soon as I can.

-AR

Not Sam Kinison

Well, gee, Jani Lane! We know you’re excited about hair metal week here on MetalSucks, but you didn’t have to do anything so dramatic! I mean, a guest blog would have been, like, totes satisfactory. Clearly, you have a sweet tooth. So perhaps even a recipe would have suffice? Maybe one for… cherry pie?

But, no. Not you, Jani. You had to go and make a STATEMENT, flamboyant showman that you are. You had to be sentenced to serve 120 days in prison for DUI. You’re a superstar!!!

Well, you sure did get our attention, Jani. What are you gonna do now? Your bitch tits are gonna look mighty fine to some of the fellas on the cellblock. Might-ee fine.

And so comes Jani’s statement: “I’m waiting for Vince Neil to show up, so we can celebrate being former skinny blonde dudes together.”

Oh, Jani. You scamp!

-AR

As previously reported, Iron Maiden’s July 12th set at Madison Square Garden with Dream Theater was a doozy! MS photographer Jacqueline Cheng thought so too — although various contingents within the MS Mansion disagree — and was there, camera in hand, to document the action. Cheng captured some fantastic images (and words! har har, see what I did there?) from Dream Theater’s set before being unexpectedly booted from the photo pit when Iron Maiden’s set began, but still managed to snap a few shots of our favorite Brits too. Her pics, after the jump.

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Since its inception by the typings of some clever music journalist in the 80s, the categorization “hair metal” (or “glam metal”) has been as amorphous and, consequently, as misused as “metalcore” has been in the aughties. And since it’s hair metal week here on MetalSucks, we thought we’d try to address this issue by pointing the spotlight on ten bands that are often, and incorrectly, deemed “hair metal.” And to that end…

It’s easy for me to understand why some people would dub Van Halen “hair metal.” Between the Van Halen brothers and David Lee Roth’s chest/Michael Anthony’s back and arms, the band certainly had plenty of hair on-stage in their heyday. (Things changed in the reunion era, as Eddie, Alex, and Diamon Dave have all adopted more “adult” hair cuts, and Michael Anthony’s back has been replaced by Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen’s almost-grassless playing field.) And, certainly, no band besides Kiss was more influential on the hair metal scene — for what were the glam bands if not just one long string of EVH and DLR impersonators?

And yet it is this very influence which disqualifies Van Halen from being categorized as a hair metal band — for how can they be part of a trend that they pre-dated? Call Van Halen “cock rock” and I’d be hard pressed to argue, but a bunch of Aqua Net lovin’ pretty boys Van Halen were not.

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Don’t ask any questions. Just watch. And don’t turn it off partway through — each second is better than the last.

-AR

[via Stuff You Will Hate]

My homeboy Rob over at Metal Injection thinks that this year’s retardedly long (and just plain old retarded) infomercial for Gathering of the Juggalos isn’t as funny as last year’s, and I suppose it is an inferior sequel — but only slightly so. The rear-screen projection is priceless, the promises of meeting new friends and lovers delicious, and I’ve never seen anybody spell “camaraderie”  as “comradery” before (although Google seems to think it’s legit).

Also: poor, poor Tom Green. He used to fuck Drew Barrymore, and now he does this. Sad.

-AR

Last week, as part of his recurring MetalSucks column, Blogronaut, Intronaut’s Sacha Dunable asked the question: “Are corporate-sponsored metal shows killing the live concert market?” The blog garnered a large and impassioned response, not just from our readers who left comments, but from industry insiders who e-mailed us their thoughts directly. One of those people was Trap Them vocalist Ryan McKenney, who, with no prompting whatsoever from us, wrote the below. And since we like to think of MetalSucks as a place where all kinds of points of view can be weighed and considered, we’re running it! We hope you enjoy…

Long time reader, first time caller… that’s how they say it, isn’t it? I’ve gone through great efforts to not invest too much time into internet blogs and messageboards regarding extreme music of any genre. I’m more of what they call a troll, I believe. Except, I never say anything at all, while many will at least chime in once in a while to give an opinion that is consequently ripped apart.

I’d like to at least make an attempt at responding to Sacha Dunable’s write up about corporate fests and whether they are ruining the live concert market. I consider it an important issue on many fronts. The truth is, ask a hundred people their opinion on this, and you’ll probably get a hundred different answers. Unless, of course, you ask the question to people in groups of five or more… if you do that, the odds are only one or two people will give their honest view and then the rest will just say, “Yeah… what he/she said.” I’d like to put my two cents in on the subject. Some may understand what I’m saying, and some may consider me an asshole, which I’m okay with. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard it lately (or even today).

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As much as I love glam’s favorite apparently-playing-with-broken-fingers’d clown, C.C. DeVille, there is really no denying that Poison made their least annoying — if also least famous — music without the Brooklyn-born junkie.

To wit: 1993′s Native Tongue, the band’s first (of only two) albums written and recorded without DeVille. After expiring the man born as Bruce Johannesson for excessive drug use (a true feat amongst hair metal bands), Poison hired blues shredder Richie Kotzen — then just 23 years old, nearly a decade younger than his new bandmates. Unlike DeVille, Kotzen’s playing wasn’t obnoxious, and his guitar tone was warm, and fluid. He also happened to be a better singer than Bret Michaels, as evidenced by his vocal performance on songs like “Bring it Home” and “Seven Days Over You.” Native Tongue is no masterpiece — this is Poison we’re talking about, after all — but it does feel more like a real, honest to goodness hard rock album than the cotton candy confections for which the band is known. Hell, I even seem to recall Alex Sklonick endorsing it in an issue of Guitar World.

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I’m still not entirely convinced this whole Mel Gibson rant thing isn’t a publicity stunt. Mel Gibson is just too animated… it’s almost as if he’s acting. And, ya know, he is an actor. But everyone including Axl tells me I’m wrong and that his career is over. I guess we’ll see!

Anyhoo, this isn’t the first Mel Gibson / metal mash-up I’ve heard (see: the Metal Injection Livecast on which Axl and I were guests) and it certainly won’t be the last, but it’s pretty good. I appreciate the brevity of it, that all parts with lyrics have been edited out, and that there’s actually been some attention paid to the timing of it instead of just random clips pasted over top of a song. Props to Troy from the Opie & Anthony show for putting this together.

-VN

MS commenter “Sat,” also of HeavyStreet.com, has been requesting an MS interview with former Winger/Dokken/Whitesnake/Night Ranger shredder Reb Beach forever. Though today is not that day — and Hair Metal Week at MS is likely not that week — perhaps we’ll get to a Reb Beach interview some day. I honestly wouldn’t even know who to contact about that, but I’ll bet he’d be game; how many interview requests do you think Reb Beach gets?

I see why Sat wants a candid look into Beach’s mind, though; dude is a bonafide virtuoso that isn’t just about shredding for the sake of shredding. It’s obvious that the guy’s got a great sense of song structure and melody and has a great idea of what makes shred interesting instead of just a series of notes played in rapid succession. To classify him simply as a “shredder” would also be a gross mis-categorization… dude’s just a fantastic player through and through; he uses nifty chord voicings, has a great sense of melody (as previously mentioned) and has a bluesy tint to his playing.

Shred on, Reb, shred on. There is no question that your are an infinitely more talented player than Kirk Hammett.

-VN