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The Webernets

MEET THE CRUD WIZARD!

 Monday, August 2nd, 2010 at 4:40pm by

crud qizard

Hi I’m Ezra Lux and I’m 9 and my dad is helping me with Crud Wizard. I like to listen to music and learn. My favorite band is Iron Maiden and I hate Reagan, and hippies, and Jesus.

So reads the blogger profile of Crud Wizard, a new metal blog helmed by aforementioned 9-year old Ezra Lux. Since we also love Maiden and hate hippies and Jesus we can totally get down with Crud Wizard; we’ll make an exception at the mis-directed hippie hatred. Ezra’s approach is surprisingly accurate in its simplicity, and (I’m being totally serious here) you’ve got to appreciate it for its pure, direct language. Sample post titled “My Metal Weekend”:

I had a very metal weekend. Here it is. On Friday I saw Dysrhythmia, my dad’s friend Colin’s band at the bar Slims. I had an awesome time. Dysrhythmia was very rhythmic and intricate. Colin played bass, and was quite good. On Saturday I went to Tidal Wave, the metal festival in McLaren park. The first few bands weren’t that good but when Stone Vengeance played they were o.k. But then they played “I Don’t Know” by Ozzy Osbourne, it was cool. Then came Giant Squid who I’d never heard, and they were good. The second day my dad’s friend Sarah gave us a ride. And the best band by far was Amber Asylum, Sarah’s band. But during the whole thing I had a lot of fun, like rolling down hills, exploring in the park, building log forts and climbing trees.

I mean, right? He’s also got some choice entries on his favorite album covers (including Cannibal Corpse!) and his thoughts on classic albums by Thin Lizzy and King Diamond. It’s all interspersed with highly entertaining “State of the Day” pieces that take a look at, you guessed it, one glorious United State per day, each paired with an ’80s hardcore band — and hey, I’ve really learned a lot!

-VN

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  • Cryzthormagnusian

    But what are his feeling on Belladonna?

  • Driven9

    hahhh. Ezra, “Unleashed In The East is a good cover cause they’re clothes are weird and they’re rockin’ out in steam..” gay

    • gauche

      did…did you just call a 9 year old “gay”?

      • Brock Sterns

        i second that

      • LULWUT

        Gotta make yourself a big man somehow, right?

  • Cryzthormagnusian

    His review of Don’t Break the Oath is priceless.

    http://crudwizard.blogspot.com/2010/08/classic-record-reviews-dont-break-oath.html

    “King Diamond has a very distinct voice, like that of a possessed pixie. ”

    “The music is plainly metal, played well to make it sound much more complicated than it is. Sometimes it makes me picture someone doing a pole vault, and sometimes it makes me think of ninjas.”

    Great stuff.

  • cougar party

    The kid is awesome. He single-handedly has restored my faith in the Youth of America.

    • Shinaain

      Props to the kid’s old man for bringing him up right.

      • cougar party

        Seriously, can we get this kid to do album reviews for metalsucks?

        • Shingo

          I second this motion!

  • GoingDeaf?

    Funny how he liked Giant Squid and Amber Asylum, the least “metal” bands on the bill.

  • Matt

    “My favorite band is Iron Maiden and I hate Reagan, and hippies, and Jesus.”

    The hatred of Reagan, Hippies, and Jesus wins me over. The kid’s got the right idea and you gotta cut him some slack for being 9 as well. As he gets older he’ll learn much.

    • Dirtman73

      His hatred is a rare combination. I hope he runs for president some day

  • http://haggisbuffet.blogspot.com/ umlaut

    This boy will save humanity… mark my words.

  • http://www.thejamminjabber.com thejamminjabber

    Dysrythmia! Kids got good taste.

  • kmfcm

    It’s not often you hear from someone that young that isn’t completely annoying.

  • builtforsin

    “Storm of the Light’s Bane is a very good cover. It’s like doom man on a doom horse in doom land.”

    There it is.

  • http://www.myspace.com/palehorseofhell lord assenfroth

    as cool as the kids taste in music maybe be, it sucks he has to join the “whogivesafuck” of bloggers at such a young age, spewing opinions at the world for no-one to care… at least he still has time to do something less douchey.

    • MadSkins

      Of course taking the time to spew your opinion at said bloggers several times daily is a much more noble endeavor ;)

    • Genial Gentile

      Better than being a “whogivesafuck” commenter on someone else’s crappy blog spewing opinions, I guess.

      • the hate machine

        is it me or does lord assenfroth really need to shut his fucking cumcatcher already? You are a douche sir. i listened to those shitty recordings on your myspace and im going to say maybe you should stay with sucking dick and put that first act guitar down.Your production skills suck. Your guitar playing is mediocre at best and nothing new considering how opinionated you are on everyone elses music. I would say your life as a cumcatching human is an EPIC FAIL

        • Metalguy

          Hes a prick yeah. I believe his point of view is ” Im the audience, entertain me.” rather than trying to enjoy what is given to him. But he is Lord Asshole so i guess its expected

        • Dirtman73

          Ah, go easy. There are much bigger assholes posting at MS. Like myself, for example.

        • http://www.suckit.com Satanicbrutality

          haha

        • LULWUT

          Whoa whoa whoa Who the fuck do you think you are? The man is a fanFUCKINGtastic cumcatcher! I’ve never seen the dude miss a fucking drop.

  • bud

    …I wana build log cabins and roll down hills at a metal show.

    • wilson

      ^^This definitely was the best part….I will join you

  • Malamor

    Excellent post! Made my day.

  • Gaia

    Uh I think it’s a slow news day.

  • Random

    Someone mentioned this kids upbringing, and it should come to no one’s surprise that this kid’s father is the drummer in agalloch (also ludicra, but agalloch>ludicra imo)

    • Cladgemeister

      OMG no way! :O I <3 Agalloch. I <3 this kid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tony-Manka/100000083183511 Tony Manka

    Has anyone else noticed in his first ever blog he says his dad is the drummer for Agalloch?

  • >_>

    Great maybe now all the hardcore agalloch fans can just have this kiddies blog bookmarked and check his posts daily to see when a new album/packagedealio/sataniclawngnome is going to be released from the band.

  • Aesop Dekker

    That is my boy.

    • pescarojo

      Well done sir! You have a great blog and great progeny! *tips hat*

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Peter-Tomis/621582836 Peter Tomis

      I love your blog Aesop, keep it up and your kid’s is already turning out to be one that I will return to

    • Alex_P

      And a damn fine job you’ve done. Ezra is easily one of the most entertaining bloggers around.

  • halloway

    a 9 y.o. namedroppin’ giant squid? whoa – badass.

    • Kazz

      Seconded. I wish my friends were as cool as this kid.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Devon-Czekaj/550092101 Devon Czekaj

    ” Thin Lizzy covers many subjects in their song lyrics, for instance one song like “Cowboy Song” is about cowboys and another like “Jailbreak” is about someone escaping from jail.”

    This kid is going to be an author on metal archives one day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Troy-Rickard/1516566408 Troy Rickard

    “Above is a picture of me from 1964, before I was born.” Yeaaah……
    Reckon this blog is going to be a good source of amusement once a week. Rockin’.

  • ChildrenWhomStickCrayonsUpTheirAnus

    its not like hes new to anything- his earlier work in Rock Jack was superb

    and he was only 3

    hes an OG the way i see it

  • ZeroTolerance

    I obviously have no problem with the kid himself, but I hate when parents force their kids to believe and think the exact way they do. Whether or not those beliefs are awesome is irrelevant. It annoys me to no end. Let them have their own personality, 9 is old enough for them to think for themselves.

  • ChildrenWhomStickCrayonsUpTheirAnus

    @ Zero Tolerance-

    why would you even bring that up? how do you know that this kid isnt genuinely into this music and all the things surrounding it and is genuinely excited about it? what makes you think his parents “forced” him into anything?

    because hes doing something different than other kids? how is that a bad thing? i dont know him or his parents,but i know his dads music and history,and seen his moms blog about the class she teaches- the kids got some unique genes and a great upbringing around a great,creative group of people i bet…..read what he writes,hes obviously really intelligent

    • painmonger

      I think he’s referring more to the hating Reagan, hippies and Jesus thing.

      • ZeroTolerance

        Umm…. yeah. Painmonger got the right idea. Music taste doesn’t matter at all, and no kid can just be forced to like a certain kind of music. My father really did try to raise me on a certain kind of music, and we ended up having opposite tastes. I will admit that last comment was a bit over the top, and I probably shouldn’t have said that. I just have a pet peeve with that, and try to react the same way as if a child his age was talking about how awful abortion is and that Jesus doesn’t want it. Sometimes I overcompensate when trying to look at things unbiasly. That Reagan comment just really irked me.

  • Aesop Dekker

    For the record, I knew there would be people who might think we inform Ezra’s aesthetic, I even imagined that some might think I choose the content. Sure, Ezra has a unique upbringing, he (like all kids) is a mental sponge and it would be absolutely impossible to not influence his tastes. He hears metal, he hears us talk about metal and he naturally wants to be a apart of it, however, we (his mom and I) were dead set against trying to stifle or instigate his personal taste. I opt to do a bit of editing here and there to make it more “readable” but I assure you it is genuine as it gets. I wouldn’t care if Ezra liked pop music over Maiden, in fact, his zeal for metal at times is a bit much when I want to listen to Current 93 or France Gall. Ezra isn’t being coaxed into anything other than being himself, but we do delight in the fact that he’s odd. His nonconformity is probably influenced by his parents, but how it manifests is purely his own.

    • Cladgemeister

      You are the man from Agalloch, yes? Then I must say one thing to you….
      … I Love you…
      Also, your kid is awesome, and cool post.

    • gauche

      awesome.

    • Lack of Contraception

      Just wanted to say that The Mantle is an increasingly amazing record. I bought it a few months ago and every time I listen to it again I find something new. Though it has some tough competition since I bought Frost, Demigod, and At the Heart of Winter at the same time. That really was the best CD buying spree I’ve ever done. Anyways, thanks for being awesome and having and awesome son!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Silence-Dogood/100000810954756 Silence Dogood

    “Unleashed In The East is a good cover cause they’re clothes are weird and they’re rockin’ out in steam..” – my favorite quote …

    There is truly a great quality of innocence in his posts which make them entertaining as well as refreshing to read. It reminds me of when I was a child and got into the music of my parents, which was classic hard rock, and found my own ways to relate and then like it. For example, the cool, scary, and weird costumes of bands like Kiss and Judas Priest.

    I am officially a fan of Crude Wizard and will be checking back regularly.

  • zen dudeist

    Great stuff, but am I the only one disturbed by the thought of children listening to CC?
    Fuck, I sound like Tipper Gore

    • Aesop Dekker

      Ezra despises CC musically, but loves the cover art. Probably just as disturbing.

  • Blyan

    I saw him and Aesop at the Dysrythmia show. Check out his band Rock Jack from when he was three: http://cosmichearse.blogspot.com/2007/12/rock-jack.html

  • hobo7088

    NO WAY! hahaha i definitely saw this kid at Slim’s for that Cynic show with his dad and i was like ‘wtf? this nigga…’ but they both looked hella stoked and he seemed like a smart kid. this is dope.

  • chuck dukowski

    painmonger-

    i bet his parents didnt have anything to do with him hating reagan,jesus,and hippies. the kid has a brain,so its not too hard to figure out those things kinda suck. plus hes 9- the hippies he sees in sf are pretty retarded

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Peter-Tomis/621582836 Peter Tomis

    In case no one picked up on it yet his dad is the drummer for Agalloch and Ludicra. How else would he know Colin from Dysrhythmia/Gorguts/Behold…the Arctopus

    • Aesop Dekker

      I think that fact has been well established. Yes I play in some bands when I am not dadding.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Peter-Tomis/621582836 Peter Tomis

        i realized this just after posting this comment. keep it up, i hope to dad in between playing in bands one day too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanskar-Wagley/1376400331 Sanskar Wagley

    this is awesome