The internet is cool, but I’m totally relieved that it was invented after my teen years. I spent those years trashing all bands disrespectful enough to not copy Van Halen (then Metallica, then Carcass), so it’s awesome that my half-baked opinions didn’t appear online for all to see, say, in the comments section of some virtual argue-dome for uptight virginal nerds. But no, only a handful of people heard my most misguided, sexual angst-driven opinions. That’s a small victory.

So, for example, I’m super-glad there’s no proof that I instantly and angrily dissed the few oddball bands that Headbangers Ball would try to slip in among the Testament and Slaughter. No one can prove, per se, that at first I was really offended by Faith No More and their irreverent treatment of heavy music (Rap? Black Sabbath cover? Bright colors?). I might’ve also taken a firm and retarded stand against last-video-of-the-night types like Masters of Reality and King’s X. Oh, and I positively wiped my ass with Mordred. Okay, I was right about that last one.

Of course, a few unretardening years later, I’d grow to butt-worship each of these bands (not Mordred), and in turn curse my wasted years of metal fascism. I’m particularly sore that I didn’t board the Monster Magnet train about a decade sooner, back when “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” brought acid rock and trippy visuals to MTV’s late night metal programming. Nope, I thought about Dave Wyndorf and crew, too much mustache, not enough crunch. Forget this goofy band.

Monster Magnet soldiered on despite my indifference, later presaging Queens of the Stone Age by departing stoner fuzz for druggy hard rock and landing a few meaty radio hits (“Space Lord” “Powertrip”). And eventually I caught up to all the non-retards who see Wyndorf for the nutty, wry genius that he is. I almost missed my chance when Wyndorf heroically overdosed in 2006, but he rebounded with 2007′s uneven but encouraging4-Way Diablo. Ironically, it’s thanks to the very same internet that album bands like Monster Magnet can be previewed in their native habitat — and not in isolated and totally out of context in the metal zoo.

-ADF