Some things never change: The sky is blue, water is wet, and girls only like a band if they want to eff one or more members. I’m a realist: I know there’s probably nothing I can do to change that, but as a responsible adult, I feel like it’s my duty to speak out on this sad state of affairs, and say what nobody else will: LADIES, QUIT EFFING BAND DUDES!!!

Entry-levelers and haters will think this is sour grapes, but it’s not like that at all — as someone with some serious, wizard-level game, I had my “effing a ridiculous/shameful number of random young, stupid, hot girls” phase, but I am now using my powers for good. If I can save just one young girl from blowing some filthy loser, or one young man from making the biggest mistake of his life (joining a band), then all my hard work is worth it!

Girls

It should be painfully obvious to everybody that teenage girls are the only demographic that matters in the entertainment business (as Eazy-E said, “I hate male groupies, so just step the hell off“). Boys are impossible to please — they hate everything, and call any dude who doesn’t look like Corpsegrinder a pretty boy. Girls are the ones who borrow their dad’s credit card to buy merch, stroke the bands’ egos with flattering MySpace/Facebook comments, and,  most importantly, put out. Whether it’s seeing a slutty picture of yourself in the band’s fan photo gallery on their MySpace page, or imagining the singer fapping to the n00dz you sent him, nothing makes a young girl feel validated as a groupie like getting the attention of a band member.

“It’s every fangirl’s dream come true to actually eff one of the dudes in the band — the sight of his dong is the ultimate autograph, and for the ten minutes that he’s humping you in his filthy, smelly bunk, you’re the center of his world.”

It’s every fangirl’s dream come true to actually eff one of the dudes in the band- – the sight of his dong is the ultimate autograph, and for the ten minutes that he’s humping you in his filthy, smelly bunk, you’re the center of his world. Then comes the uncomfortable moment of emptiness and shame that follows as he zips up his pants, mumbling something about how he has to get to soundcheck, and you realize you’ll never speak to him again. But it all seems worth it at the time.

As far as I can tell, girls will throw themselves at any sweaty moron with a guitar in his hand. Your band doesn’t need to be good or popular, and you don’t have to be a good looking guy — all you need to do is get on stage and young girls will put up the “open for business” sign. Girls love to be with the leader of the pack, and teenage girls are stupid, so you can’t really blame them for mistaking band dudes for alpha males — little do they know that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Needless to say, the fatties, gingers, and dorks in We The Kings would be lucky to get a handjob from the girl with a Slipknot tattoo who works at their local Sheetz, let alone getting within restraining order distance of Demi Lovato, if they weren’t in a mediocre powerpop band

Band dudes: losers in alpha males’ clothing

Many dumb, young girls will tell you they are into band dudes because “they are doing something amazing with their lives.” I’m not sure what’s so amazing about driving around the country in a shitty van/bus-you-can’t-really-afford, getting wasted/doing a bunch of shitty blow, and passing out on some stranger’s couch next to a pile of cat barf, but impressionable young girls don’t know about any of that — all they see is some cute guy on stage.

This Kool Keith song sums up my feelings about every bunch of stupid kids who think they are hot shit because they’re in the latest disposable metalcore/screamo/powerpop band (aka the next batch of assistant-shift-supervisors at your local Guitar Center)

As many readers of MetalSucks know, the truth is a bitter pill to swallow: Dedicated musicians are complete fucking losers (apologies to my many friends who are in bands). And there are NO exceptions. I mean, let’s face it, band dudes fail hard when you evaluate them using any kind of rational metrics. If all the YDFOC fangirls sweating Chiodos, Escape the Fate or whatever flavor-of-the-year, false-skramz/false-metal-shit-sandwich the kids are jocking these days knew that they split $200 a day five ways playing Warped Tour (minus per diem and expenses) and live with their parents because they can’t afford rent despite touring nine months out of the year, it might make them seem a little less effable.

“All you have to show for it is first-hand knowledge of the depths that girls will sink to when they have low self-esteem and crave male attention.”

Age is particularly unkind to band dudes, and it’s especially hard to witness the phenomenon of the late-20s/early-30s band loser. Having squandered his youth playing music, he has no real work experience to speak of, no health insurance, 401(k), or other things that come with a real job. He’s still playing to a couple hundred 17-23 year olds every night for peanuts, and has few options aside from working the door at some local shithole venue, bartending, being a line cook, or any of the other dead-end jobs that aging band losers often get stuck in. The smart/lucky ones end up at labels, PR agencies, and so forth, but they’re few and far between. More often than not, band guys end up as someone’s “loser uncle” who won’t grow up, face reality, and get a real job.

Not sure what genre you turds are putting Origin in these days, but I have them in my iTunes under “vagina/$$$ repellent”

Dudes: quit playing metal. Ladies: stop effing guys in bands.

There are a few lessons to be learned from this post: if you’re a dude in a band, and you’re not playing music that teenage girls like, you are an idiot — quit your tech-death band, because only 28 year-old beardos with pot bellies who make $9.50 an hour listen to that shit. Take your cues from Forever the Sickest Kids or All Time Low and hire Sam & Sluggo to write your songs, lose some weight/get a haircut, and start cashing in. If you can’t stomach that, find some skinny pretty boy to be your singer and rip off Bring Me The Horizon — sure it will be a little ridiculous, but you can laugh all the way to the bank. I know it sounds harsh, but fuck, do you want to end up as the next Billy Milano??

And if you’re a girl who sweats guys in bands, you need to wise up — trust me when I say that you’ll look back on every BJ you gave to some loser in a band and want to throw yourself on a sword. You’ll wish that you had gotten AIDS, because at least that would make people feel sorry for you for being so dumb. Instead, all you have to show for it is first-hand knowledge of the depths that girls will sink to when they have low self-esteem and crave male attention.

Bring Me The Horizon are unbelievably shitty, but I’d bro down with Oli Sykes — if only to smell his finger

The only solution I can think of is a reality show in which they document the sad lives of some dreadful band full of broke-ass losers — let’s say Pierce the Veil or Dance Gavin Dance, just for shits and giggles. The punchline? A disclaimer saying “AND THEIR BAND IS CONSIDERED SUCCESSFUL!” It could end with a public service announcement that reminds everybody how high the stakes really are, maybe something like, “Go ahead, drop out of high school — you’ll just end up playing bass in Oceano!!!”

-Sergeant D