So the whole internet was abuzz about that Justin Bieber track that sounded aw’ight when someone slowed it down 800% — I guess if anything will make J-Beeb OK, that’s what it takes.

I tried to ignore that shit… until the kickass sci-fi/fantasy website i09 linked to a bunch of sci-fi themes slowed down 800%.

The idea still sounded stupid, but I decided to check out the version of the Brad Fiedel’s classic Terminator theme. And damned if it didn’t sound pretty fargin’ good. I’m on a big kick of listening to music you can ignore. And the slow jams are great, atmospheric background white noise. Slowed down 800%, pretty much all sci-fi themes sound like the Vangelis’ score for Blade Runner. (Did I just reference Vangelis? I meant “FUCKIN’ SLAYER!!!” Anyway…)

So I started wondering what extreme music might sound like when slowed down to 12.5 percent of its regular velocity. In honor of my recent MetalSucks interviews with D.R.I. and C.O.C., I tried a couple tracks by those bands.

Source material number one is an outtake version of D.R.I.’s “Madman” from the Violent Pacification sessions, available as a bonus track on the excellent Dealing With CD reissue. Next is C.O.C.’s “Eye for an Eye,” the version from the “Six Songs With Mike Singing” EP. Chopped and screwed to the extreme, they both sound like industrial doom.

Both songs were around a minute long originally. The source tracks I used are taken from Maxell UR-90 cassettes that were recorded from vinyl in the late ’80s, which I transferred to CD a couple years back. So they sound a little grimy. That said, they’re mp3 files @ 192 kbps. So technically, it’s high quality.

D.R.I. didn’t really work slowed down 800%. I tried some variations, and it only sounded decent playing at around a third of its regular pitch. Any slower, and it was hardly even noise.

C.O.C. was different. Slowed down 800% sounded decent, but 400% has a better hook.

D.R.I.’s “Madman” Slowed Down 37.5%:

D.R.I.’s “Madman” Slowed Down 37.5%

D.R.I.’s “Madman” Slowed Down 800%:

D.R.I.’s “Madman” Slowed Down 800%

C.O.C.’s “Eye for an Eye” Slowed Down 400%:

C.O.C.’s “Eye for an Eye” Slowed Down 400%

C.O.C.’s “Eye for an Eye” Slowed Down 800%:

C.O.C.’s “Eye for an Eye” Slowed Down 800%

Minor Threat’s more melodic; maybe that would sound better. But I already wasted enough time on this bullshit.

I’d wrap it up by saying, “Hardcore up your ass, Bieber!” But everybody should take it easy on the kid… he’s just a little girl.

–Ferris

D.X. Ferris is the author of 33 1/3: Reign in Blood, the first English-language book about Slayer. He thinks Facebook is fuckin’ creepy, but he’s grudgingly launched an FB page for the book anyway.