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FAT LUSH TO FILL IN FOR GIANT COLOSTOMY BAG

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Remember a couple of weeks ago, when we told you that Great White vocalist Jack Russell needs a colostomy bag now ’cause he has a perforated bowel, which basically means his intestines ripped open and shit starting spilling into places it ain’t s’posed ta spill? Well even though that colostomy bag is only supposed to be a temporary situation, it’s bad enough that Russell can’t participate in an upcoming Great White tour. That news might disappoint aging former cheerleaders who let the quarterback knock ‘er up at senior prom ’87 and have wished they’d had the pregnancy “taken care of” ever since, but Great White are true professionals, and those dicks ain’t gonna suck themselves, so the show must go on.

The solution? Our number one homegirl, Allyson B. Crawford at Bring Back Glam, reports that Great White have hired Jani Lane to fill in on ten upcoming tour dates — at least one of which will feature Warrant as a support act. Warrant. The band that Lane has either quit or been fired from at least ten thousand times now. Awk-ward.

If I’m not mistaken, this will be Lane’s first gig since being released from a brief prison term for DUI. I don’t know if the man who apparently forever regrets having written “Cherry Pie” is still drinking (I’d wager he is), and I don’t know if Great White are still using pyro (I wouldn’t be surprised if they are), but if both of those things are the case, let’s just hope that Jani’s breath doesn’t cause any unfortunate incidents.

Here’s a video Ms. Crawford posted of Jani performing while not three but apparently nine sheets to the wind. This dude makes Vince Neil look like a classy dude who always stays on key and is never winded.

And here are tour dates, in case you wanna witness this sure-to-be-hilarious spectacle:

Sept 3, 2010 El Paso, TX Speaking Rock
Sept 4, 2010 Galveston, TX Moody Gardens Conv Cntr (with Night Ranger)
Sept 24, 2010 Bolingbrook, IL Tailgater’s
Sept 25, 2010 Farmington, MN Rocktoberfest
Sept 26, 2010 Council Bluffs, IA Horseshoe Council Bluffs
Oct 1, 2010 Yuciapa, CA Angel’s Roadhouse
Oct 2, 2010 Ramona, CA Ramona Mainstage
Oct 29, 2010 Redding, CA Harvest Festival 2010
Oct 30, 2010 Lewiston, ID Clearwater River Casino
Nov 6, 2010 Lisbon, Portugal “Live in Lisbon”
Nov 12, 2010 Medina, MN Medina Entertainment Center (with Warrant)
Dec 31, 2010 Tower, MN Fortune Bay Casino

-AR

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