I’d take him to all the restaurants he likes to eat in, y’know. Then we’d go shopping in the stores he likes to shop in. Then we’d dance until the sun comes up. We’d probably talk about why Weezer picks on him in that one song. I might even show him how to play Looks That Kill on hist guitar…just so I could get a feel for it before my prize arrived. We’d get into a heated debate over bands that opt for the K in place of the C. I’d say, “okay, Kreator can do it, but that’s like…that’s it.” I’d think about that guitar again, and then apologize. I’d then try to teach him how to play Kickstart My Heart, but I don’t see a whammy bar on that thing, so…. After that I’d probably read him some of my wife’s poetry while heating up some Steakums for us to have for dinner (after we’ve exhausted his favorite restaurants, of course). Then I’d let him beat me at Halo. I’d be lying if I said I could fit anymore into one day, so we’re just gonna leave it honest.

I would want to show him around Milwaukee; take him to all of the breweries, maybe some amazing cheese stores (sounding stereotypical Wisconsin, right?) and then find a great pub where I would want to learn more about his life as a musician. Katatonia is one of my favorite bands and I always crave more knowledge so that I can share what I learned. We would end the night going to The Rave, where they will be playing on September 16th, and see whatever metal show that is going on.

If I had one day with Jonas Renkse, I know that I would abuse his mind into submission. It would be a long day with an early alarm clock to maximize Renkse time. We would start the day with homemade omelets, followed by musical lessons until lunch, covering drums, guitar, bass, and singing. The hearty lunch would be intertwined with stories in which he would discuss what it was like being in a band and touring and all that jazz. Then we would jam and continue jamming until dinner, where we would talk about bands that we each enjoy to prepare us for the chill-but-insightful listening session that would last until midnight where we would analyze bands and he would suggest a bunch of bands that I’ve never heard of that I would like. To be honest, it might not be the most fun for him, but to me as a musician and fan it would be life-changing.

Cable Trail then beer.

gallons of beer, pounds of sandwiches (hot/cold), flocks of bitches and discuss how great my musical projects are but can’t seem lift off of the ground.

I would go to Red Lobster.

We would spend the day painting portraits of ourselves in regal poses, and we would drink copious amounts of good beer. We would follow this by moonwalking and hitting on the goth chicks in and around my university. The evening would be finished by performing an Eiffel Tower on the hottest of the willing chicks.

i’d ask him why the hell he spelled his band name with a k, when it the correct spelling supposed is with a c? if he didn’t punch me when I asked him that, I would then say, you know that using a K instantly makes me think of KORN using a K instead of a C. We would then fight, and since I am a man of small stature, I would loose. After the fight, I would them give him a spelling and English lesson, pointing out the flaw of having two different letters that make the same sound in the English Alphabet, I would then further expand, pointing out that the exact same word, spelled differently has completely different meanings and marvel at how stupid that is as well. I would them teach him all of the swear words I know in Spanish, because it can be useful in so many situations here in america.

Drinking some Wine (well, he can have wine. I’ll just drink some V8 Fusion or something), listening to Opeth, and me asking him to explain more the song Day and then the Shade (cuz i’m using that fucker as my funeral song).

Well, first off I’d find a dimly lit space with not comfortable, but not uncomfortable chairs. The room would be chilly, but not cold. Preferably lit by candles or a fire. We would get some high class brandy, or whatever drink of choice he prefers. Then, over this somber setting, we would discuss how sad life really is, both in the practical sense relating to cynicism of love and relationships up to the philosophical ideas of existentialism. All of this would be done over the back drop of somber Classical music, or perhaps a Romantic. Once we reached the pinnacle in this exercise of sadness, I would ask him to leave, in the fear that an attempt of humor or lightheartedness would break it. This would be the only way to spend a day with Jonas Renkse since Katatonia is sadnesss, and sadness is Katatonia.

If I were to meet Jonas Renkse for a day, I would first congratulate him on making one of my favorite albums of 2009, and get him to sign my “Night Is the New Day” album.
I would then jam out with him, using my new Mayones guitar, since I made my band learn “Idle Blood”, which we will perform at our high school this Christmas. ( I play the guitar). I would then be close to tears, because of how awesome Mayones guitars are ( Ive wanted one for a damn long time, ever since I knew Katatonia used them). Then I would go to a restaurant and watch the horrified look on Jonas’ face when he would see the so called “hamburger” he ordered ( in Sweden, if you order a hamburger, they will serve you smoked horse meat). I would then just relax with him and philosophize about life and music, while getting drunk on beer, Jagermeister and Absolut Vodka!

Go together to Mikae Arkefeldt’s house and pray him to make a new bloodbath’s album.
After that we drinks thousand pints of beer and talk about economy…..

We would watch Begotten, listen to Elizium on vinyl, walk in the forest while Mikael Akerfeldt is behind us singing Harvest and Benighted with his acoustic, and then cook him his favorite Italian dish with banana cream pie for dessert. Then watch Mulholland Drive and brainstorm about what it could be about. Then go out on the lake under a full moon while Disintegration is playing

Somewhere in there we’d find and take a picture of a dead bird

Discuss life and the many intricacies of it

If I had a day with Jonas, I’d spend it by getting to fully understand how his mind works and where his beautiful art comes from! A day in his mindset!

My day with Jonas would probably consist of a lot of discussion on our interests and philosophies, you know, just getting to know him. I would definitely show him around town, introduce him to friends, and jam… maybe trying to convince him to do some vocals for my band. And then of course, ending the day with an Ybor city pub crawl of epic proportions.

A Day With Jonas Renkse

First, I’d call up Jonas, real nonchalant like, so hopefully Jonas would get the vibe I’m a super cool bro like him. I’d bring up really colloquial topics such as, “How’s the weather in Stockholm?” “How’s your mother heatlh?” and if everything is going oooh so fine “What you doin’ on Saturday”. Jonas, or “JBro” as I now would have established as his short but sweet super cool nick name. JBro would no doubt would think to himself “This Andrew guy seems like a pretty cool bro, the kind in turn I would enjoy to spend an evening with”. The gears slowly fall into place and we setup a rendezvous in town square. I keep exactly what we’re going to be doing a secret until the very last moment, to create some suspense, JBro seems like the kinda bro who likes suspense. JBro finally arrives in his hot-pink stretch limo, it burns my eyes to look at it. JBro is a cool bro like that. Anyway, as soon as we get salutations and formalities aside, I reveal to JBro that we are headed to the carnival. I can almost see JBro’s eyes lit with the firey throes excitement. First we go on the Ferris Wheel, JBro says ferris wheel’s have always been his favorite ride, I’m not one to reject, some of my greatest memories reside on a giant wheel such as this. We pay the toll of three tickets and hop aboard the ride that would no doubt be ingrained in my memories for years to come. I tried really hard to enjoy the ride, but my eyes were always drawn to JBros wavering locks. They sifted throught the wind like a ship on stormy waters, searching for a dock, or like a seagull drifting gently through the spring breeze. JBro seemed to enjoy himself. After I straightened out the collar on my favorite American Eagle sweater, we decided to head to play some typical carnival type games. JBro’s dexterity amazed me, he was beyond god like at whack-a-mole. JBro’s epic dexterity was only to be matched by his mind-boggling strength, on that strength testing game, he broke the bell into small shards of lethal shrapnel which rained down upon casual carnival goers, scarring them and their loved ones for life. I watched as one large golden shard rained down upon me, like a divine golden gift from above. It landed directly in my eye. I remained cool and calm, as to not alarm JBro. JBro showed some concern, but I just laughed it off and we went on our merry way. The sun was setting in the sky, it saddened me greatly that my day with JBro was about to end. Nonetheless we had time for a few more rides. I suggested prehaps the bumper cars, JBro kept suggesting that I should maybe get to a Hospital. JBro is a very silly guy. We proceeded to the bumper cars. Oh boy the fun we had! It was only about half-way in that I started feeling a little dizzy. Suddenly each bump started to feel like an earthquake, and my vision started to go. The last thing I remember was vomiting all over my new American Eagle sweater…

Where was I?

I could sense I was in some kind of limbo between conciousness and reality. Suddenly, a large mysterious figured appeared in front of me, it’s wings opened, and it gazed at my with it’s piercing emerald green eyes. The beast spoke “It is I, JBro!”. I was bewildered, this could not be JBro! “In this reality I am the mighty Raven King! Hop upon my back and together we can slay the dark lord Ishbanu!”. I was beyond confused, so I asked him who this Ishbanu character was and what the hell was going on. He responded in a mighty roar then stated “Ishbanu is the dark lord of the seventh kingdom of the abyss, many aeons ago I, JBro the Raven King ruled this land with my people the Ravenites, our cities were peaceful and prosperous and we lived in harmony with the land through the power of mana. Then one day, Ishbanu and his army of terror found the ancient relic of Zorthon and distruped our worlds mana flow, resulting in natural disasters that wiped out our once glorious cities. Now what is left of my Ravenites dwell in the caves on the outer ridge of Zulu, forced into hiding by scumbag Ishban solidiers.” “But why now?” I asked “How can you defeat such a wretched army?” JBro paused slightly a ruffled his giganic wings. “At the beginning of time the wise prophet Gallthor. Gallthor had a vision that greatly disturped him, a vision of unparralleled evil and corruption but also of new hope. A boy with the power to weild the mighty Vagnr Blade and release it from it’s sacred stone will bring a new hope to the land, you may be our last hope.” I understood what had to be done. I leaped upon JBro’s feathery back and we flew towards the north…The swords eternal resting place.

We arrived at a gigantic staircase. “Retreive the Vagnr Blade.” said JBro in his insanley epic voice. I began my trek up the staircase towards the blade. What sounded like a easy task was not so. I continued ownward for what seemed like centuries. Finally I arrived at the top of the winding staircase. The blades sheer beauty illuminated the area around me until all scenery became veiled in a blinding white shroud. I walk up to the blade and give it a tug….No movement…A second attempt!…Still no-luck…Then in one trirumphant hoo-rahh I pull the blade from its resting place effortlessly. I know what I must do. I take the elevator down and hop upon JBro’s back. Onwards to slay the evil Ishbanu!

We arrive at Ishbanu’s palace. I get this feeling we’re being watched. Suddenly the bell tolls and a rain of fire arrows appear in the sky. “This is it” I think to myself “There’s no way I’ll be able to stop these arrows, my quest must surely be in vain…”. Suddenly everything went black…JBROOOOOOOOO!!!!!! JBro had taken the arrows for me. He sacrificied himself for me…I raced over to JBro’s limp and lifeless body and kneeled beside him. JBro spoke his final words “Andrew…I’ve…always…thought…you…were…a..pretty…cool bro…”. Tears of rage streamed down my face, I had to slay Ishbanu, or JBro’s sacrifice would be in vain. I felt energy coarse through the Vagnr Blade into the depths of my soul, I was no longer in control of my body, I went on a spree of killing, mutalating all that stood in my path. The Ishban army fell like the pathetic scum they were. Suddenly a figure appeared in front of me in a cloud of blackness. A voice rang out through the palace. “You think you can defeat me with that silly blade, you are still no match for the power of Zorthon!” Ishbanu hurled a fireball towards me. On instinct I swated it away like a fly. “Your time is over now Ishbanu! Take this!” I then thrusted my sword at the the dark lord, impaling him through the face. I yanked the blade out triumphantly and it started to glow like it did back in the ancient Zulu Ruins. The blade spoke to me. “I shall grant you one wish brave Andrew for slaying the evil Ishbanu and fulfulling Gallathor’s prophecy.” I knew what had to be wished for…”I wish that the Ravenites will live in peace and prosperity once again and mana balance will be restored to this realm for all of time!…that’s what JBro would want” I shed a single tear.

Something kinda smells like vomit…

I woke up…I was in a hopital bed, and I could only see out of one eye. JBro was waiting at my side! Thank goodness he was alive! I knew what just happened was way too crazy to be a dream. I said “JBro…I know you are the Raven King”. He looked a little confused but I knew he knew what I was talking about. He brought me the guitar of my dream, it was his. It was a little hard to play with only one eye but my fingers seemed to glide amonst the strings like it was destiny. I was estatic too hear he was gunna let me keep it. I knew what I must name a guitar of such magic power…Vagnr.

The End…OR IS IT?

we would get drunk off our asses!

If i could spend the day with Renkse, i’d sit on a couch and ask him how his day was. then from then on, we’d just sit there… doing nothing. not talking just sitting there, no pot or other drugs. no beer and not doing anything. maybe every now and then we’d nod our heads and say “yeah”, but really just do nothing.and not even because he’s Renkse and i’m a huge fan. i mean as if we’ve known each other forever and had nothing to talk about. we’d just sit there, silent. all day. doing nothing

When I write music it is with Jonas’ voice in mind. IIf I had a day I’d ask if if he’d be willing to lay down some voal tracks on my songs. Instead of Jonas’ wonderful voice, I have to listen to my own shitty voice. Just once I’d really like to hear him on one of my songs.

I’d bake brownies and we’d chat in Swedish. And I’d try to turn him gay so I could fuck him, but if that doesn’t work we’ll just watch The Dish or Top Chef while I try to teach him to knit.

Rise early, acquire canoeing equipment, get smashed and paddle across a lake. Headbang to music we can only hear in our heads whilst attempting to unleash fire upon a stack of driftwood.

ala…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=389DkzjHpus

that is all

A day with Jonas Renkse would invlolve playin some sweet jams on my new Mayones guitar that i just won, and copious drinkin fun at the pub to remember the day.

A few hours of oral sex interspersed with episodes of The Office

Drink beer near my place in Manhattan, pet hamsters, write haikus, and play some BDSM.

Then we’d play cricket after siesta. (He seems like the type…) Then we’ll burn down half of Soho trying to make some DMT.

And there’s no better way to end the day by drinking more beer, playing whatever music we want, and watching the city go up in flames.

Enjoying some Templeton whiskey from Iowa and making him feel weird about the amount of Iowa nerds that like his band and metal in general. That and a ride in the fucking Vanimal.

simple. play my new guitar with him and him teach me sum mad skillz! when we get bored, listen to death metal, play video games, and watch the SAWs.

we would feast on the flesh of premature children, slaughter goats and hang them from the testicles on lamp posts all around the city, buy enough beer to fill many swimming pools and actually fill pools and have a huge party while playing Katatonia songs, then later we would skin our enemies and wear their body suits of skin, and before the sun were to set we would have a nice stroll in the park while eating our favorite ice cream.

(continued from above – I accidentally hit submit).

We want to get some attention from some females, so I ask a PASSING BIRD where I might find a SWEET NURSE who is CLEAN TODAY (I don’t want that HIV). I ask her if she’s has a SOLD HEART and how much it might cost for her to sell something else. She sprays me in the face with some TEARGAS and runs off. I must be drunker than a thought to be carrying on like this. Laughing his ass off, Jonas says “NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS, we need to get you home”. He has been drinking way more than me yet still he is the voice of reason – I swear he has an iron liver. At this point I’m so drunk I actually think he IS an iron liver. Maybe someone put something in my drink. The thought makes me evacuate my stomach onto the street, and it looks RUSTED upon the street. Jonas would then proceed to walk my drunk ass home as I wonder “WILL I ARRIVE?”. Finally we do, and Jonas decides he is going to leave my lame ass at home while he goes out to party more. Sad about DISSOLVING BONDS I shake his hand (oops, covered in puke) and suggest that ONE YEAR FROM NOW we might do this again.

“Maybe on March 4?” he would say.
“Yeah” I would say, “Sounds great”.
“Or never – you are a mess dude. Get cleaned up”. He would say.
“You’re right” I would say. THIS PUNISHMENT has made me realize that to him I AM NOTHING. Oh well, I had a ridiculously awesome time hanging out with one of the worlds greatest artists.

And so would end my day with Jonas Renkse.

i met Jonas Renkse 2 days ago in electric facotory, he is mad chill..

i would most likely spend a day with him with first a jam session, than grab some drinks and followed by a local show.
simple yet fun.
chill, litsen to music, talk about music, and joke arrrnd.

I would like to sit down with my guitar, Jonas and a bass guitar and see if we could write a kick ass song. If all went well I may ask him to teach me a katatonia tune or maybe even one from bloodbath.

My day with Jonas would start with me proceeding to get on my knees and yelling: “I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!”. I would do that for the following reasons:

1. His work with October Tide.
2. His musical versatility and songwriting style.
3. The fact that he is buddies with Dan Swano (I would give my life to meet that dude)
4. The fact that he is best friends with Mikael Akerfeldt (OMFG)
5. Blakkheim. ‘Nuff said.
6. Jonas is fucking ÅSÖME

The rest of the day would probably be filled with great stuff like cool jams, cool tunes, hot sex and snuggling in front of a fireplace… Wait… that didn’t sound right. Oh well. Katatonia fucking rules and seeing them live was one the best highlights of this year. JONAS and KATATONIA FTW!

Jonas would likely be unwilling but it would be absolutely incredible to collaborate with him on some music. We could write a few songs and maybe make a couple of recordings, like a Sorskogen type of thing. Actually, that would be BEYOND incredible…

I would probably tell him to call up Dan Swano and Mikael Akerfeldt and then… have a delicious foursome. Yes…