Sir Sweatsalot Valient Himself leads the audience in mass synchronized rowing. Photo taken by yours truly.

“You had to be there.” It’s a phrase oft uttered by would-be storytellers who just can’t seem to convey the hilarity of said story to anyone who wasn’t, ya know, there. And it’s a phrase that perfectly applies to not just the particular Valeint Thorr, Junius and Howl show Axl and I witnessed in Brooklyn last week, but to each individual band in the broader sense. Try as we may, there’s no possible way we can convey to you how freaking awesome each band was at this show, and try as those bands may, it seems damn unlikely that any of these bands will ever be able to make a record that even comes close to approximating what it’s like to see them live. Simply put, these three bands are the very embodiment of “you had to be there.”

In person, Relapse Records taco riff heavyweights Howl are fierce, punishing and brutal, inspiring a slow head-bob out of even the most stuck up old-timer standing in the back of the room; on record they have plenty of good ideas that just seem to get lost in their own repetitiveness and aimlessness. In person, heavy space-rock outfit Junius astonish with their razor-tight grooves like an asteroid colliding into the atmosphere, their powerful stage presence highlighted by back-lit white lamps that flare up to punctuate key moments of the songs; on record the guitars sound wimpy instead of heavy and the songs don’t convey the same sense of urgency. To see Valient Thorr in person is to be swept up into a 150 MPH hurricane that even this jaded blogger couldn’t resist getting into the moshpit for. You’re part of a movement led by the sweatiest human being ever, Our Fearless Leader Valient Himself, who intersperses the band’s ferocious songs with sermons on his own beliefs and “Do you know what I’m talking ABOUT!?” cries of call and response, and for the love of Venus the guy could be talking about taking a shit and you can’t possibly resist from yelling “YEAH!!!” at the top of your lungs.  On record they sound like just another pretty good trad/retro metal outfit.

Of course, me trying to describe this all to you as in the above paragraph is completely useless, because in the end… you had to be there. No amount of waxing ecstatic and no amount of strung-together superlatives I can throw at you will possibly be able to convey how great these three live bands are live. I know you’re skeptical. So was Axl before this show. Just trust me when I say that you NEED to go see this tour if it hasn’t rolled through your town yet. Barring that you need to go out of your way to see any one of these three bands next time they come around. You had to be there. Trust me. Once you see them live you’ll feel the same way, I guarantee it, and hopefully you’ll drag a friend with you the time after that.

-VN

Remaining tour dates:

09/29 – Detroit, MI @ Smalls*
09/30 – Chicago, IL @ Double Door*
10/01 – Madison, WI @ The Frequency*
10/02 – Minneapolis, MN @ Triple Rock Social Club*
10/03 – Kansas, MO @ Record Bar*
10/04 – Denver, CO @ 3 Kings Tavern-
10/05 – Salt Lake City, UT @ Burt’s Tiki Lounge-
10/06 – Boise, ID @ Neurolux-
10/07 – Seattle, WA @ El Corazon+
10/08 – Portland, OR @ Dante’s+
10/09 – Bend, OR @ The Domino Room+
10/10 – Reno, NV @ The Alley+
10/11 – San Francisco, CA @ Bottom Of The Hill+
10/13 – Santa Barbara, CA @ Velvet Jones+
10/14 – Costa Mesa, CA @ Detroit Bar+
10/15 – Las Vegas, NV @ Cheyenne Saloon+
10/16 – Los Angeles, CA @ Spaceland+
10/17 – San Diego, CA @ Casbah+
10/18 – Phoenix, AZ @ Yucca Tap Room+
10/19 – Albuquerque, NM @ Launchpad+
10/22 – Corpus Christi, TX @ House Of Rock+
10/23 – Dallas, TX @ Double Wide+
10/24 – Houston, TX @ Rudyards+
10/25 – New Orleans, LA @ One Eyed Jacks%
10/27 – Tallahassee, FL @ Big Daddy’s%
10/29 – Gainesville, FL @ FEST 9
10/30 – West Columbus, SC @ New Bookland Tavern
10/31 – Greensboro, NC @ Green Street%
11/6 – Austin, TX @ Fun Fun Fun Fest

*w/ Junius & HOWL
-w/ HOWL
+ w/ Red Fang
%w/ Caltrop