Not quite a Nigerian 419 scam artist holding up an MS sign, but close enough.

The winner of last week’s photo caption contest did something so very special to win that Slayer Vinyl Conflict box set — containing all 10 of Slayer’s American Recordings released on 180-gram vinyl — that it warrants its very own post. You’ve all done a fine job with your comments and your Show Us Your MetalSucks entries… but this takes the cake, for once and forever.

The man from Healdton, OK who simply goes by the name “whiskey,” pictured above, took his plea directly to my email box. Here it is in all its glory:

Soooooo…. . I’m sittn here about to give myself a “Metalsucks” tattoo (tattoo artist in training) in complete Slayer font, I was honest to Oden, 5 minutes away from making this shit permanent….somehow thinking this is gonna be a fuckin done deal(drunk)…then…. th’ole lady asked what the fuck I was doing and I just tolder I’m trying to win this Vinyl set. Ya see, I fucking love vinyl. I don’t think there is a word to describe the way it makes me feel (not that there’s anything wrong with that)…..I remember when I learned of this one time fuckin Slayer pressing box set shit… I was amazed(read it from blabbermouth first…sorry) anyhow…. I have a few essentials, the entire Mastodon vinyl collection (minus “Lifesblood”…something about never pressing it on vinyl again or some bullshit…really grinds my gears) High on Fire, Graveyard, Dethalbum II, Rust in Peace, Limited Edition The Sword shit….ANYHOW…I’ve got over 100 badass vinyls collected so far, everything from original pressing Simon and Garfunkel – Sounds of Silence to the entire Chicago – Live at Carnagie Hall box set..but no fucking SLAYER!!!!.i FUCKING LOVE MUSIC, real; music, I FUCKING LOVE SLAYER, they have a special spot in my heart next to George Harrison, E.L.O. and James Taylor(weird I know)…… Let me get back to my point…my ole lady won’t let me do this goddamn tattoo right now, I haven’t shaved my fucking beard in at least 7 years, So here is the deal, No smartass smirky comment is gonna deserve or appreciate what the fuck you’re offering. They just wanna sale it on E bay for a quick buck or set it next to their Twilight series bookshelf because they don’t have an actual record player. I swear to fucking Slayer that if I am awarded this mother bitch whore of a box set I will shed this man-beard of 7 years and record it for you to see and share…I will then offer to grow back my facial hair in the style of Metalsucks.net‘s accordance, be it Fu Manchu, Joe Dirte or full on Vinnie “the brick wall” Paul nike swoosh sideburns…..what the fuck ever… I know I’m fucking begging but goddamnit, the “funny” would last so much longer if you could give a “FUCKIN FUNNY FOLLICLE” update…just think about it….

I mean, how could I have possibly said no to THAT?? So I took him up on the offer, insisting that he hold up a sign with “Metal Sucks” and the date and time in every photo he took, just to make sure this wasn’t something he did days or months ago that he was attempting to use to cash in for a prize now. And the man followed through:

One last afternoon of letting the beard soak in the sun.

The final bearded pic!!

THE CARNAGE! What a shayna punim you have! Your mother must be very happy about this.

Words defy this awesomeness. As a fellow beardo, I know the pain and aguish associated with shaving my whiskers, but I can’t even fathom what it’d be like to do after seven full bearded years. I’m glad your old lady convinced you out of that tattoo, ’cause that would’ve kinda creeped me out. Mr. Whiskey, you win at MetalSucks devotion. You win at being a Slayer fan. You win at life. You win a sweet ass fucking 10-vinyl Slayer box set. Congratulations!

For Part 2 of his promise, Whiskey has to grow a mustache of the style of his choosing and send us a picture after one month. I suppose he doesn’t actually have to follow through because he’ll have his Slayer box set by then, but I’ve got a hunch that he will anyway. Stay tuned!

Last but not least, if you’re disappointed you didn’t win, head on over to Metal Insider for another chance… with a B.C. Rich Kerry King Beast V guitar too!

-VN