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Contests

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST: WIN A HAMMERS OF MISFORTUNE 3 CD PACKAGE!

 Thursday, October 14th, 2010 at 5:30pm by

Now that we’ve gotten the epic story that is last week’s winner out of the way, let’s move on to this week’s contest, shall we? Don’t worry; if you were really hoping to win that Slayer Vinyl Conflict box set you can still do so over at Metal Insider. They’re even including a B.C. Rich Kerry King Beast V in their contest, so theirs is like 10x more eBayable than ours.

This week we’re giving away two packages from Metal Blade Records, each consisting of three Hammers of Misfortune CDs: The August Engine, The Bastard, and The Locust Years. To win, just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo [sent in by reader Kyle Church], and remember to use a real email address (or post it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect)!


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  • Sacajawea

    Remember ladies, just because you read that a lonely bachelor “likes long walks on the beach, and the Twilight series” doesn’t mean that he’ll share your love of church bake sales.

    • Celtic Guardian

      Twilight of the Thunder Cod

      • lookatthatguy

        Team Edguy

  • Edika

    I sparkle in daylight!

    • LoGs the shit

      this wins, hands down

  • Joe the Almighty

    Thanks, Halford.

    • Thomas

      Your an asshole man

  • stan47islav

    I like long walks the beach, I’m for team Edward…and I’m a very sensitive guy….

  • A2James

    “I follow the darkness of Edward…I mean, Odin. Team Odin!”

  • deanerhead

    Soooooo…. . I’m sittn here about to give myself a “Metalsucks” tattoo (tattoo artist in training) in complete [Hammers of Misfortune] font, I was honest to Oden, 5 minutes away from making this shit permanent….somehow thinking this is gonna be a fuckin done deal(drunk)…then…. th’ole lady asked what the fuck I was doing and I just tolder I’m trying to win [these CDs]. Ya see, I fucking love [CDs]. I don’t think there is a word to describe the way [they] makes me feel (not that there’s anything wrong with that)…..I remember when I learned of this [readily affordable] fuckin [Hammers of Misfortune] [releasing CDs] shit… I was amazed(read it from blabbermouth first…sorry) anyhow…. I have a few essentials, the entire Mastodon [CD] collection (minus “Lifesblood”…something about never [releasing] it on [CD] again or some bullshit…really grinds my gears) High on Fire, Graveyard, Dethalbum II, Rust in Peace, Limited Edition The Sword shit….ANYHOW…I’ve got over 100 badass [CDs] collected so far, everything from original pressing Simon and Garfunkel – Sounds of Silence to the entire Chicago – Live at Carnagie Hall box set..but no fucking [Hammers of Misfortune]!!!!.i FUCKING LOVE MUSIC, real; music, I FUCKING LOVE [Hammers of Misfortune], they have a special spot in my heart next to George Harrison, E.L.O. and James Taylor(weird I know)…… Let me get back to my point…my ole lady won’t let me do this goddamn tattoo right now, I haven’t shaved my fucking beard in at least 7 years, So here is the deal, No smartass smirky comment is gonna deserve or appreciate what the fuck you’re offering. They just wanna sale it on E bay for a quick buck or set it next to their [Rob Patterson T-shirt collection display case] because they don’t have an actual [CD] player. I swear to fucking [Hammers of Misfortune] that if I am awarded this mother bitch whore of a [CD] set I will shed this man-beard of 7 years and record it for you to see and share…I will then offer to grow back my facial hair in the style of Metalsucks.net‘s accordance, be it Fu Manchu, Joe Dirte or full on Vinnie “the brick wall” Paul nike swoosh sideburns…..what the fuck ever… I know I’m fucking begging but goddamnit, the “funny” would last so much longer if you could give a “FUCKIN FUNNY FOLLICLE” update…just think about it…

    • Nathan

      wat

    • brookh

      1

    • AddRokk

      haha nice one dude

      • LoGs the shit

        1

    • ian

      Winner.

      • Matt C.

        Lmfao

  • Legions: Iron and Steel

    Looking down at the bloated seaweed covered corpse he just lost his virginity to.

  • Benito

    Twilight: New WINTER Moon

    • Orgasmatron

      THIS MUST WIN

      • Ian R

        VICTORY!

  • Jim

    Bella has really let herself go.

    • terry

      1

    • brookh

      3

    • chrismarchiel

      No point in reading further this one is it.

    • Major Zim

      no homo bro but i have to confess my undying love to you now. +9001

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Greg-Kennelty/100000324595253 Greg Kennelty

    Look at him being all pretty boy-ish and sparkly! Oh, and nice t-shirt too.

  • metallicbrian

    Dimmu Borgir’s latest album Abrahadabra is out October 12th on Nuclear Blast.

    • Pickles the Drummer Doodly Doo Ding Dong Doodly Doodly Doo

      OOOHHHHH MY GODDDDD this is amazing

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Robson/1375985482 Ben Robson

      brilliance

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Roger-Prindle/518661975 Roger Prindle

      lmao win.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christian-Varg-Voltaggio/1409575074 Christian Varg Voltaggio

    Brock Lesnar mentioned he had something in store that Cain Velasquez wasnt ready for…

    HIS GRIM N00 L00K.

    opethian24@aol.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christian-Varg-Voltaggio/1409575074 Christian Varg Voltaggio

    Arcturus’s new lineup.

    opethian24@aol.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alejandro-Aldana/683878171 Alejandro Aldana

    i will tattoo metal sucks on both of my ass cheeks if i win.

  • The_Dude

    Men i give you a new sub genre of metal, screw that black metal and death metal, lets rock out to some sparkle metal

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nicodemus-Gonzalez/100000496989391 Nicodemus Gonzalez

      lame

  • Seanicus

    Gaahl is not doing well after having lost the rights to the Gorgoroth name.

    • metallicbrian

      Gaahl’s life partner is quite the Stephanie Meyer fan. Like all dudes in this situation, he sees Twilight to get laid.

      • Major Zim

        oh god no. your kidding right? you’d think he’d have to stab ANY man who likes twilight simply out of principle!

  • Kuranes

    While not a fan of the Twilight series, Lord Bonkshnackt finds this shirt very helpful when trying to capture that “high cheekbone” look with his corpse paint.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Conley/39115061 Mike Conley

    THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER!

    mdc.431 (at) gmail.com

  • Johnny Death

    Immortally Lame

  • aidangerard

    i prefer TRVEBLOOD

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christian-Varg-Voltaggio/1409575074 Christian Varg Voltaggio

      haha

    • Major Zim

      WIN. HAHAHA SO MUCH WIN.

  • Sacajawea

    Don’t you see mister Filth? Those MetalSucks guys keep saying your becoming a glam act, and you insist that your still black metal, so then what’s up with the fucking shirt?

    Dani Filth: What? It’s a black shirt, so it’s metal.

    • Thomas

      I fucking hate you right now

  • MickFNS

    When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
    When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
    And I held your hand through all of these years
    But you still have
    All of me

  • Watt Par

    Amon Amarth’s newest member misunderstood the “Twilight of the Thunder God” concept.

  • Legions: Iron and Steel

    Arrested for public immortalness

  • A2James

    No longer will I burn churches, I shall now only burn copies of those insufferable Twilight books

  • mynutz

    Please don’t let Varg see this pic….

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

    Team LardAss

  • Dirtman73

    Also enjoys long walks in the woods and butt sex.

  • 6infinite6hatred6

    Norway has finally deemed the blackest motherfucker alive to be Edward Kvllen.

  • YeVGoR

    Grim and frostbitten on the outside. Mysterious and dazzlingly beautiful on the inside.

    • kanwulf

      HAHAHA very good

  • ImMattMan

    My Profile Pic from the dating sire Dead-Tween.com.

  • dspang

    This is what black metallers wear when their spikes and leather are at the cleaners.

  • BruisedMetal

    Gigantor is on team Jacob

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lance-Zeran/100000142665110 Lance Zeran

    Ohai, oh so familiar friend, FUCKING CORPSE PAINT PICTURE AGHHH

  • Mike

    “hmmmm….how can I make black metal gayer than Cradle of Filth.”

  • http://Gnartallica.wordpress.com Ross Gnarly

    MetalSucks presents: Blut Aus Nord!

  • foobear

    Grim and sparkly.

  • chainchomp

    I got $10 that says his B.C. Rich is beadazzled.

  • Kelsan E. F.

    “Henry could hear the gulls laughing behind him and it hurt just as much as the other laughter.”

    “Not pictured- MC Hammer balloon pants and inflatable-squeaky hammer.”

    “You don’t like Twilight?!? Well, tell it to my butt because he’s the only one that gives a crap.”

  • BigBintheAV

    Mom: If you take your little sister to see Twilight, you can goto the Immortal show.
    Son: Fine… Ill get my Edward shirt…

  • TheHangingBrain

    Can I skip the caption and just send you a picture of my shaved balls begging for the CDs? Isn’t that how this caption contest works?

  • ZackP

    Edward fights for TEAM SATAN

  • http://myspace.com/shepherdsgatemusic,myspace.com/burymeinsmokemusic Michael “The Armenian Demon” Fenton

    The shirt helps him with the ladies.

  • headnuts

    This guy teaches whale sex 201

  • Kael

    Transylvania hunger (for penis).

  • KvltCommander

    De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas Revisited: Track 2 – Freezing New Moon.

  • http://thenumberoftheblog.com Snagon

    Edward and Gaahl make a cute couple

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Michael-Christopher-Hall/1131120176 Richard Michael Christopher Hall

    “Hello?? Southern Lord’s web store customer service? I think I got the wrong Twilight shirt?”

    • Genial Gentile

      This is awesome.

  • bitchass

    Edward ist krieg?

  • Erenus

    Retard as a part time job

  • http://multimedia-ami.deviantart.com/ amelia

    I like Edward because his soul is black…like mine

  • http://multimedia-ami.deviantart.com amelia

    What’s so amazing, its only about the millionth time gay and metal have been mixed

    (Note: I swear, I’m not a homophobe, i’m just taking advantage of a homophobic colloquial term.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Otis-Archer/1441861862 Otis Archer

    Team Nergal.

  • thebass444

    After deciding to become a teenage vampire, Jermaine was ousted from his group of black metal friends, only to find out that no one over the age of 14 is a teenage vampire.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amelia-Rupp/1269821017 Amelia Rupp

    If Stephanie Myer and Nergal had a baby, this is what he’d look like.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amelia-Rupp/1269821017 Amelia Rupp

      Meant to not connect to Facebook so I wouldn’t have to post my email and look like an overconfident tool….

      • http://multimedia-ami.deviantart.com amelia

        Oh my fucking god…it did it again… can someone please tell me how to permanently disconnect this from Facebook… ’cause now I like I’m having a conversation with myself…

    • Major Zim

      but theres no way that would happen, shes not strong enough to rape him and drugs do not effect him. plus im pretty sure that if nergal or any of his blood relatives come into contact with twilight merch, it immediately bursts into flames.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amelia-Rupp/1269821017 Amelia Rupp

        who says sex is the only way to have a baby? nergal promotes marrow donation, perhaps he promotes…other donations too (if ya know what i mean)?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tito-Lopez/44400409 Tito Lopez

    in the twilight eclipse – i am the sparkling wizards

    tito@onwardwemarch.com

  • soup

    “wrong twilight, mom.”

  • redneckMetal

    I don’t understand what the big deal is? So what he likes black metal face paint and shirts with goth girls on them?

  • http://bloodandthumbsticks.blogspot.com/ The Overmatt

    Until The Twilight Takes Us

  • brandonmetal

    King Ov Black Metal

  • chainchomp

    After this round of Uber Cvlt Truth or Dare, Lars would rather have gotten the “French Kiss” a butthole dare.

  • BruisedMetal

    “TEAM JOCOB GOOD!”

  • BruisedMetal

    “TEAM JACOB GOOD!”

  • yzermantiis

    Fuck you Team Varg!!!!

  • Ørsaeth

    Fans of the black metal band Twilight get confused sometimes

  • Moltanic

    I’m sure Euronymous would be proud

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Zach-Gates/14209777 Zach Gates

    Obvious Photoshop is Obvious.

    • http://~ B. Ewing

      way obvious

  • http://deleted Ken

    How’d Mr. Whiskey know what I was gonna do with the Slayer vinyl

  • C.

    Two seconds later, the universe exploded.

  • Tanner

    Possessed (by Edward)

  • Louis

    I guess Vampires really are Everywhere

  • The Curmudgeon

    Because buying a Bedazzler costs too much……

    vdeogmrlr@msn.com

  • Vasteburai

    The next time someone asks the “what is the only thing you would take on a deserted island” question, he will take it more seriously.

  • joe

    Somewhere a butterscotch cupcake must make the hardest decision of its life.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Clayton-Russell/553693986 Clayton Russell

    Ghaal, what’s the inspiration for your music?

    (sip of wine, long dramatic pause …)

    Edward.

    • Major Zim

      HAHAHAHAHA i get this. awesome. +1

      • Sacajawea

        Absolute fucking perfection!

    • therealmetalmatt

      1

    • Genial Gentile

      Yeah, this one is really good too!

  • Skanes

    Team Dreadward.

  • d.o.g.o.b.g.y.n.

    “My Rainbow Brite shirt is in the washing machine.”

  • Wildman

    In the sunlight, you can see what a beautiful creature I really am.

  • horseFUCKabortion

    Jacob of nazareth….I despise thee….

  • WowWee!

    If only I were born as her I wouldn’t hate life so much………….Fuck you Maria Brink!

  • Major Zim

    hey varg? yea there’s someone i’d like you to meet…

  • Thomass

    well if you’ll notice the symbol on his head is the T from the ripper era of judas priest turned upside down so i think halford left his mark at the twilight book club meeting.

  • christian

    Its 10pm…do you know where your edward is?

  • http://blog.liquidcross.com liquidcross

    UNTIL THE TWILIGHT TAKES US, featuring Team Douchebag.

  • John Bukowski

    “Wait, this isnt the Twilight with Nachtmystium and Leviathan members?”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Robby-Steuer/518113596 Robby Steuer

    BurgerKreig ran out ov toys =[

  • brutalbrutus

    Twilight raises an interesting issue. Is it more counter-cultural to hate the book or to completely embrace it? Metal wept.

  • metalmeathammer666

    Team Shredward

  • http://sfsludge.blogspot.com Blyan

    Gorgoroth’s ‘Twilight of the Teen Idols’

    bproteau@gmail.com

  • Zeram

    Team Abbath

  • Clint

    The corpse of Irony has been dug out of its grave, molested, fondled, raped, set on fire, raped again, pissed on, shit on, raped one more time, and then buried again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Pete-Tucker/1472927385 Pete Tucker

    Grim and Frostbitten Gay Bar.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Richard-Adragna/18902481 Richard Adragna
  • http://www.schenkeltown.com Schenkeltown

    TwiFright

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Preston-Dortch/100001519183121 Preston Dortch

    Awesome, I can’t post my caption because I already posted it, but I don’t see it?

  • JayJay

    Jacob before the haircut

  • THEMAKATTACK

    The Face paint shows how tough I am on the outside…
    The Twilight shirt reveals how sensitive I am on the inside.

  • lurker

    Looks like somebody has a new girlfriend!

  • BlackMetalFondler

    Mum! I said JEDWARD! NOT EDWARD! YOU’VE RUINED CHRISTMAS!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Raphael-Pinsker/28400447 Raphael Pinsker

    Interviewer: “So what’s your main influence behind your music?”
    BM Kid: “Glitter”

  • Samuel

    I wear this make up so I don’t sparkle in the sun

  • atchisonk

    I can haz gurlfriend now!?

    • argpirate

      LolBlakMetulz

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alex-Salomatin/100000470896266 Alex Salomatin

    Black Metal fans go undercover – We Will Win !!!

  • ChickenGeorge

    ‘…..and this photo is from my holiday in Finland. What you cant see is i’m getting a blowjob from a Werewolf to further display the Might of the GlitterGod. FUCK YOU MR
    BITEY!’

  • Lee

    Frustrated by the lack of groupies showing up at Immortal shows, Apollyon decides to join match.com:

    Name: Apollyon
    Nickname: Ol’ Moe
    Looks: Broad shouldered, thick dark hair, clear complexion, high cheek bones, big, deep and dark eyes
    Interests: Obscure musical genres, modern literature and cinema, body art, old Norwegian churches, mastering various methods of fire starting. Oh and of course long walks on the beach!
    Personality: Mysterious and enigmatic. ;-), I mean >:-[

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Langford/100000157905872 James Langford

    Worst consequence for losing a bet.

  • Balloon Animal Cakemix Mixer

    Ted Bundy’s got nothing on me! See you soon Cedrick Friggery!

  • Paul

    I am black metally on the “grim and frost-bitten” Team Edward!

  • Sonsterpe

    I have had this Vision of a voyage in mind and soul, Through silent Somniferous scenes
    within the enclosed chambers of my untouched spiritual experiences… It’s telling me I need to go to the midnight opening of the next Twilight Film.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Duna-Salous/527287686 Duna Salous
  • vicky

    Count Grisnacht landed a full time day job to comply with the parole office and it has it’s benefits. It’s at the new Hot Topic in Oslo, and he gets an employee discount on all merchandise.

  • Ben n Jerry aren’t real, they’re cartoons

    ‘The SupriseSexingTree from The Evil Dead was based on my exploits. Think about that next time you give a virgin a piggyback in the woods you sparkly jelly tot fuck, cos i’ll getcha!’

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Neil-Forrest-Nalley/1396964302 Neil Forrest Nalley

    Team Fucking Edwaaaaaaaard!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Neil-Forrest-Nalley/1396964302 Neil Forrest Nalley

    seriously?

  • mostholydeath

    Twilight of the Thunder Bod.

  • thrashley simpson

    GO TEAM EDWARD…AND SATAN.

  • The Sleeve to your Sword

    Darling, this T-Shirt goes beautifully with my pearl neckless and my BROADSWORD! Somebody’s fabulous!!!!

  • bill stewart

    Stephanie Meyers without makeup is pretty frightening.

  • Satan’s Caterer

    I use Oil of Olay, just like R-Patz

  • yzermantiis

    The singer of Watain really let himself go….

  • Lazarus

    Gene Simmons: The day the make-up fought back!

    pjwilde@comcast.net

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jacob-Kobryn/1280829252 Jacob Kobryn

    Not even a comment, but is this Jonas Renske???

  • Ade

    …dripping wet and cold, malcolm reluctantly accepted his sisters spare t-shirt.

  • Molested By Irony

    When Susan searched for a T-Shirt of someone who only sucks off animals, this is not what he had in mind

  • Greg

    What a fucking puss..

  • Scourge441

    Because nothing is more unholy than black metal, homosexuality, and the undead.

  • BILL

    I always knew vampires were totaly badass and kvlt… now I finaly have my proof!

  • BILL

    none of these comments are creative

  • http://Gnartallica.wordpress.com Ross Gnarly

    Craig’s List Black Metal.

  • Mark

    hipsters always have to be ironic, even metal hipsters

  • metal_viking

    Watt Par hilarious shit especially you vasterburai any of these would suffice

  • VoP

    Team Vikernes!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amelia-Rupp/1269821017 Amelia Rupp

    And water started flowing up, thrown things just kept going up, gravity let people fly, cats and dogs like each other,……..

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amelia-Rupp/1269821017 Amelia Rupp

      and here i go looking the overconfident tool, having to post my email and all
      tonksjunior@mugglnet.com

  • Ryan Merritt

    No, we’re not identical twins, but don’t feel bad . . . I get it all the time.