Now that we’ve gotten the epic story that is last week’s winner out of the way, let’s move on to this week’s contest, shall we? Don’t worry; if you were really hoping to win that Slayer Vinyl Conflict box set you can still do so over at Metal Insider. They’re even including a B.C. Rich Kerry King Beast V in their contest, so theirs is like 10x more eBayable than ours.

This week we’re giving away two packages from Metal Blade Records, each consisting of three Hammers of Misfortune CDs: The August Engine, The Bastard, and The Locust Years. To win, just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo [sent in by reader Kyle Church], and remember to use a real email address (or post it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect)!

Not quite a Nigerian 419 scam artist holding up an MS sign, but close enough.

The winner of last week’s photo caption contest did something so very special to win that Slayer Vinyl Conflict box set — containing all 10 of Slayer’s American Recordings released on 180-gram vinyl — that it warrants its very own post. You’ve all done a fine job with your comments and your Show Us Your MetalSucks entries… but this takes the cake, for once and forever.

The man from Healdton, OK who simply goes by the name “whiskey,” pictured above, took his plea directly to my email box. Here it is in all its glory:

Soooooo…. . I’m sittn here about to give myself a “Metalsucks” tattoo (tattoo artist in training) in complete Slayer font, I was honest to Oden, 5 minutes away from making this shit permanent….somehow thinking this is gonna be a fuckin done deal(drunk)…then…. th’ole lady asked what the fuck I was doing and I just tolder I’m trying to win this Vinyl set. Ya see, I fucking love vinyl. I don’t think there is a word to describe the way it makes me feel (not that there’s anything wrong with that)…..I remember when I learned of this one time fuckin Slayer pressing box set shit… I was amazed(read it from blabbermouth first…sorry) anyhow…. I have a few essentials, the entire Mastodon vinyl collection (minus “Lifesblood”…something about never pressing it on vinyl again or some bullshit…really grinds my gears) High on Fire, Graveyard, Dethalbum II, Rust in Peace, Limited Edition The Sword shit….ANYHOW…I’ve got over 100 badass vinyls collected so far, everything from original pressing Simon and Garfunkel – Sounds of Silence to the entire Chicago – Live at Carnagie Hall box set..but no fucking SLAYER!!!!.i FUCKING LOVE MUSIC, real; music, I FUCKING LOVE SLAYER, they have a special spot in my heart next to George Harrison, E.L.O. and James Taylor(weird I know)…… Let me get back to my point…my ole lady won’t let me do this goddamn tattoo right now, I haven’t shaved my fucking beard in at least 7 years, So here is the deal, No smartass smirky comment is gonna deserve or appreciate what the fuck you’re offering. They just wanna sale it on E bay for a quick buck or set it next to their Twilight series bookshelf because they don’t have an actual record player. I swear to fucking Slayer that if I am awarded this mother bitch whore of a box set I will shed this man-beard of 7 years and record it for you to see and share…I will then offer to grow back my facial hair in the style of Metalsucks.net‘s accordance, be it Fu Manchu, Joe Dirte or full on Vinnie “the brick wall” Paul nike swoosh sideburns…..what the fuck ever… I know I’m fucking begging but goddamnit, the “funny” would last so much longer if you could give a “FUCKIN FUNNY FOLLICLE” update…just think about it….

I mean, how could I have possibly said no to THAT?? So I took him up on the offer, insisting that he hold up a sign with “Metal Sucks” and the date and time in every photo he took, just to make sure this wasn’t something he did days or months ago that he was attempting to use to cash in for a prize now. And the man followed through:

Click to read more…

When I was in the tenth grade, back in 1997, someone in my school’s administration decided to lump me in with the 30 or so fuck-ups, or, sorry, “at-risk” group of kids. My grades weren’t terrible, and I didn’t really get into trouble or use drugs that much. However, I did wear shirts from bands like Cannibal Corpse and Anal Cunt just about every day, so I suppose they were justified in thinking that I had emotional problems. I never complained though, because once a week I got to skip class and go to some special room with my fellow flunkies and have what I can only assume is the equivalent to an AA meeting. It was interesting to hear these kids talk about smoking crack, the pleasures of meth, and beating people up over bad weed deals. I don’t think I ever had what it takes to lose myself to substance abuse, but if I did, I’m sure this helped me stay on a positive course. Sometimes we’d have guest speakers come in to these meetings. There are two that I remember most vividly. One being Robert Downey Jr., who was presumably there as part of some community service he had to do. The other was some woman who had a lengthy discussion with us on how marijuana will never be legalized in our lifetime.

That woman is either dead or choking on her own foot now, because in November, California will be voting on proposition 19. If passed, it will legalize marijuana for recreational use in our state.

Click to read more…

Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh: “A good friend of mine used to say, ‘This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.’ Think about that for a while.”

For Mets fans like Vince Neilstein and yours truly, the preceding Bull Durham gem is probably the most charitable way to assess the last four seasons of Shea/Citi Field underachieving. For Phillies fans like Decibel asshole-in-chief Albert Mudrian and Giants fans like Exhumed splatter-master Matt Harvey, their go-to baseball flick quote du jour has to be the great Roger Dorn of Major League: “I got one thing to say to you, Vaughn: Strike this motherfucker out!”

Yes, the National League Championship Series is set for launch on Saturday, with San Fran squaring off against Philly. While Vince and I would strongly recommend going to a show — any show; like, Ke$ha would suffice — instead of supporting MLB’s dwindling playoff ratings, you might think otherwise now that the dignity of not only an extreme metal magazine publisher but vaunted musician is on the line. It turns out that Harvey is feeling awfully good about the Giants’ chances in the best-of-seven, and challenged Mudrian to an appropriately retarded wager. Anybody who has seen SF closer Brian Wilson lately can attest that Harvey’s challenge is solid fucking gold. Catch up right here for the terms, and join us in brainstorming something even more humiliating.

Or just post “Yanks in 4” or some such fucktardery in the comments. Either way.

-AB

In case you’re curious, Axl Rosenberg doesn’t give two shits about sports. But he wants you to buy yourself a copy of the November 2010 issue of Decibel or, better yet, buy yourself a full subscription. If you don’t, expect lots more coverage of Skunk Anansie in the near future.

Melechesh‘s excellent new album, The Epigenesis, is mere weeks away from its October 26 release in the States (those lucky Europeans already have it), and while it’s been more than three years since the band’s last release, Emissaries, I’m happy to report that the wait was totally worth it. The Epigenesis feels like Melechesh’s most diverse and complete album yet, and a firm reminder of why this band manages to stay consistently interesting while so many other black metal bands fall into redundancies and self-parody.

I recently had the chance to e-mail some questions to Ashmedi, Melechesh’s founder and creative mastermind. After the jump, read his thoughts on the themes and meanings of The Epigenesis, how recording in Istanbul influenced the album, why we had to wait so darn long for new a new Melechesh offering, and more.

Click to read more…

I thought I’d already publicly waxed ecstatic about the fact that Colorado instrumetal young guns Scale the Summit are recording a new album this year, but I guess I actually only did so in my mind. Which is absolutely unacceptable, because I know there’re plenty of other prog dorks out there who will be just as excited as me to hear about this:

Scale the Summit are back in the studio!

Scale the Summit’s debut Carving Desert Canyons ranked #11 on my list of most favoritest albums of 2009, and they rocked our faces off live on the Progressive Nation tour earlier that same year. They rocked our faces off again when they opened for BTBAM, Cynic and Devin Townsend this past winter (that lineup still gives me a raging hard-on), and then yet another time when they played our co-sponsored SXSW showcase in March. You could say I really like this band a lot and you’d be understating it.

Click to read more…

One of the fun things about being a cool blogger d00d is that sometimes bands and labels send you little promotional goodies along with your advance copies of albums. For example, this is the package that my advance copy of Slayer’s World Painted Blood came in:

So. Yesterday afternoon, Earache sent over my promo copy of Oceano’s latest, Contagion, and look what it came with:

Click to read more…

I’ve got a love/hate relationship with our Readers’ Choice column. On the one hand we get so many entries and sifting through them all takes a lot of time (and most of them suck… sorry… yes, you!), and the more I write about them the more entries seem to come in. On the other hand there are so many talented bands out there and I do enjoy discovering new music and bringing the best to you folks. It’s difficult being a respected blogger, difficult I tell you! First world problems.

Here are some favorites from the last few weeks:

• The above video of Mick Barr (Krallice) jamming it up with Zach Hill from Hella. Holy bajeezus! [Thanks: Eric H.]
• Brent Petrie: After reading my post about 16 year-old multi-instrumentalist Dead on Both Shoulders, Brent Petrie emailed me to say, “Hey… me too!” Thankfully the kid can back up his claims with his new album Vary Us, Artist, which is available for free download and streaming in part at Bandcamp.
• Incarnia: Because as MS reader Vakarm puts it, sometimes you just need “good ol’ melodeath with that gothenburg sound. I believe it’s important to have bands like that around.” Touche. Insomnium fans, meet Incarnia.
• Egoist: A press quote at the top of Egoist’s MySpace page describes the band as “Strapping Young Lad meets Voivoid,” so I’m just gonna roll with that. Egoist is another of these bedroom multi-instrumentalist guys — and as such, Meshuggah certainly play a big influence — but Egoist is way more experimental and wonky than most of those other bands. [Thanks: Kirill Zmurciuk]

-VN

It takes balls to name your album Quietly, Undramatically. You may as well call it The Heaviest Fucking Thing You’ve Ever Heard and include shards of a Heineken bottle with the first 600 copies. In fact, that would be less controversial: Quietly, Undramatically’s title doesn’t explicitly call attention to the album’s potential heaviness, thus underplaying how potentially badass said album may be. Metal is not a game in which one underplays. It borders on ironic appreciation, which as any metalhead will tell you, is arguably the worst thing to happen to the genre. But Woe, being well-versed in black metal, don’t do irony. They also don’t underplay. So while there’s not a whole lot of quiet and certainly nothing, um, “undramatic” about Quietly, Undramatically, the band can call the record whatever the fuck they like. Sincere and relentlessly creative, Woe, like most decent black metal bands nowadays, put a new spin on an old method. But their spin, when it’s working and even when occasionally it’s not, is undoubtedly theirs.

Click to read more…

Yngwie Malmsteen is intrinsically funny yet undeniably awesome. For example, may I remind you all of this:

I don’t care who you are: you can say Yngwie is laughable — and you’d be correct — but to deny his talent, and jealousy of said talent, would be an outright lie!

It goes without saying, then, that any new Yngwie material is good both for some laughs and some genuine ooo’s and aah’s. In the case of his forthcoming new album Relentless, due November 22nd, we don’t even need to hear any of the music before we get some good lulz time in. Sez Malmsteen on the new album via a press release:

The album title really says it all.  The drive to surpass my own accomplishments can best be described with one word – RELENTLESS.  After all these years of composing and playing music, I still am passionate about pushing myself to the limit – to the highest, most demanding level of playing possible.

YES! Bring it on, Yngwie!

-VN

As though you needed any further incentive…

This news has been all over the internet the past two days, so you may have already heard about it by now. But when I saw Jackass 3D at a special screening at The Museum of Modern Art (Yes, MoMa held a screening of Jackass 3D. No, I don’t understand how that happened, either.) this past Monday night, it was a complete surprise.

So — spoiler alert!!! — the movie opens with a quick animated intro from Beavis and Butt-Head! Yes, the intro is in 3D, too — in fact, the intro is the dynamic duo basically explaining 3D, in their own unique way, of course. (I don’t wanna give too much away, but needless to say, someone gets hurt.)

And in case you’re worried that because they’re in 3D, B&B have been turned into CG monstrosities in the vein of the Chipmunks movie or whatever… well, don’t. They’re still their good old-fashioned hand-drawn selves. Now they just seem that much stupider.

Jackass 3D opens tomorrow, and is a lot of fun, except that they needed to utilize the 3D a little more — I think there’s only two or three times when various bodily fluids come flying at the audience. Everyone’s favorite animated metal fans should make their full-time return to television next year.

-AR

Boy, Paul Di’Anno sure is a forgiving guy. He thinks that Iron Maiden is “boring” and compared Steve Harris to Hitler, but earlier this year, he announced that he’ll be doing a set consisting entirely of songs from the first two Maiden albums at the Hard Rock Hell IV festival in the UK this December. Now he’s gearing up for a U.S. tour, and, hey, guess what? He’s going to play Maiden’s self-titled debut in its entirety on each and every date.

Looking at the liner notes of that album, it’s interesting to note that Di’Anno only got a songwriting credit on three of the record’s nine songs: “Remember Tomorrow,” “Running Free,” and “Sanctuary.” Guess who’s got a credit on every song save for one? Why, it’s Steve Hitler, of course!

Click to read more…

My little date book (yeah, I still keep a hand-written calendar!) tells me it’s almost November, which means the MetalSucks sponsored Legacy Tour — featuring Darkest Hour playing a “best of” set from their 15 year career, along with Veil of Maya, Periphery and Revocation — is right around the corner. The tour kicks off November 12th in the Northeast and runs counter-clockwise around the U.S. and Canada, ending exactly 1 month later back east, meaning most of you should be able to attend what will surely be a fun night of metal. Even those of you in Florida!

To give you all fans a little something extra, Darkest Hour are teaming up with Guitar Hero to offer one really adept plastic-button-pusher the chance to show their mad GH skillz in a battle royale against DH real-deal-shredders Mike Schleibaum and/or Mike “Lonestar” Carrigan. Alls ya gotta do to enter is submit a video or screen cap of your “Difficult”-level high score on certain GH games. In addition to the meet-and-shred, the winner will also receive a whole buncha other cool shit. Details for the contest are here.

As for those tour dates, jump on past the “read more” to have a gander.

Click to read more…

Somewhere, a satisfied school marm is smirking, “I told those Buckley boys if they weren’t careful they’d get into real trouble some day!”

So. Recently, I haven’t been paying as close attention to Twitter as perhaps I ought to. But I guess the dudes from Every Time I Die were were posting bogus re-tweets from celebrities in order to promote their new DVD, Shit Happens. Some examples, according to Lambgoat:

“RT @AndyDick i did the Jimmy Kimmel show w/ @evereytimeidie in 08, they’re cracking me up, get their dvd”

“RT @peeweeherman: New ETID DVD in stores 10/26! I sure hope they play THAT in a dark, seedy theater!”

“RT @JimmyFallon @everytimeidie this is brilliant, you guys need to come play my show to promote your new dvd!”

Well, hey, guess what? Some of these celebs — or, at least, their handlers — got wind of the little prank, and ETID is now facing legal action: The band has revealed via Twitter that they’ve received “seize [sic] and desist papers” (I assume they mean “cease and desist papers”), that “saying that most of those tweets were fake didn’t appease the celebs,” and that the band is “getting taken to court.”

Click to read more…

Ohhhhhhhhhhh COME ON!

As any true metaller knows, Pantera’s breakthrough album “COWBOYS FROM HELL” was released 30 years ago today. While all of Pantera’s releases are classics in their own right, I think we can all agree that it was this album which officially inaugurated the NEW GENERATION OF POWER GROOVE and paved the way for countless metal and hardcore bands to come.

Click to read more…

They’re all touring with Daath! Not all at once, unfortunately. In two separate groups. But still! These are good bills.

The U.S. tour will see Chimaira headlining with Impending Doom, Daath, and This or The Apocalypse providing support.The Chimaira/Daath bill alone is enough to get my money. When those bands toured Europe together last year, I was jealous of the Europeans. Now I’m jealous of people who live in Poughkeepsie, which has never happened before and may never happen again.

Europe, meanwhile, gets a Fear Factory headlining run with Daath and High on Fire. Those aren’t three bands you’d necessarily expect to see touring together, but they’re all bands of a certain quality, and that’s what makes this tour cool. When I criticized the line-up for Fear Factory’s U.S. tour earlier this year, a member of one of the supporting bands e-mailed me to a) call me a dick, and b) ask who I thought Fear Factory should be touring with. Well… THIS is who I think Fear Factory should be touring with. THIS is an exciting tour. I’m not even a Fear Factory fan, and I’d go to this.

So if you’re in a position to go to either tour, do it. Buy some merch. Give Eyal a high-five. It’ll be fun.

Get dates for both tours after the jump.

Click to read more…

The return of Atheist was destined. After all, it comes in conjunction with a burgeoning movement of religious skeptics (see Hitchens, Dawkins, Darski) and serves as a timely arm-shot for an unmoored technical metal scene. And they don’t disappoint: With Jupiter (out Nov. 9 via Season of Mist), Atheist finally delivers the overdue sequel to their 1991 masterpiece Unquestionable Presence. (Though contractual obligations required a version of Atheist — essentially Shaefer and friends — to release the nebulous Elements in 1993). Similarly deft and lean, Jupiter recalls the hairpin turns, jolting heaviness, and how-many-great-riffs-can-one-song-have? approach of Unquestionable Presence, this time captured by a slick, bright mix. Plus, I doubt it’s a cake walk to follow a 17-year hiatus (though Atheist has been doing shows since 2005) with  a follow-up to their genre’s Ride The Lightning or Reign In Blood. Yes, Atheist’s parallels to Metallica aren’t limited to each band’s loss of a commanding bass player to auto accidents; in one possible future, Atheist will enjoy Metallica-sized renown, command, and sales as a genre’s capo famiglia. They just own like that.

Atheist’s don is guitarist/vocalist Kelly Shaefer (also of Neurotica, Velvet Revolver auditions), one of metal’s tightest, sneeringest voices. Meanwhile, Shaefer the guitar player locks neatly into the chain of pioneering lefty axemen who forever impacted modern music: Paul McCartney (pop), Jimi Hendrix (rock), Tony Iommi (duh), Shaefer (duh), Kurt Cobain (grunge), Davey VonBohlen (emo), and Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (jamternative). For one last bit of context, I direct you to the fact that Atheist is an essential among the smart, underachieving metal acts now reactivated amid a thrash- and prog-hungry listernership: Cynic, Forbidden, Believer, Anacrusis, Watchtower, and Coroner (whom Atheist joins at Hellfest 2011, according to Shaefer).

Shaefer phoned last week to answer all the questions I’ve been sitting on since the ’90s, and some new ones. It was a gigglefest on my end as a hilariously honest Shaefer talked about Jupiter‘s songs, Jupiter‘s lyrics, locking horns with Chuck Schuldiner, smokin’ doobs, the genius of James Hetfield, and Atheist’s “different kind of technical metal.”

Click to read more…

Congrats to Brandon Mickman, who correctly identified last week’s logo as belonging to the band Paediatrician. Brandon wins one copy each of two new projects from Pyramids’ R. Loren — Sailors with Wax Wings‘ self-titled CD (which you can also order here) and White Moth‘s self-titled CD (which can be purchased here). YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY BRANDON!!!

I’m very stoked about this week’s prize: three copies of Iron Thrones‘ latest, The Wretched Sun! This band rules. They won the Scion “No Label Needed” contest, which we participated in, and I’m very happy to report that this resulting record kicks ass all up and down the boulevard. And the band is just about to start a tour with Hero Destroyed (poster to your right — click to enlarge and get dates!), so now is a great opportunity for you to get hip to a really talented band… assuming you’re not hip to them already.

All you gots to do to win is identify the name of the band whose logo appears below, then shoot me an e-mail at axl AT metalsucks DOT net with your answer, your name, and your address. ALL ENTRIES WITHOUT AN ADDRESS WILL BE DISQUALIFIED. From everyone who gets it right, we’ll randomly select three winners and announce their names next week. And a very special thanks to longtime MetalSucks Maniac Pokesmot for setting up this week’s prize!

This week’s charmer of a logo was suggested by the always-reliable David Foust. Your mother must be proud, David.

-AR

MetalSucks is celebrating the season of the witch with the Munster Mash, a weekly spotlight on metal covers of the Munsters theme. During the thrash/crossover era, every band and their moms busted it out at some point, either as a live staple or a hidden track.

This week’s entry, by White Pigs, is one of the earlier versions. The band formed in Connecticut in 1980, and thrashed it up over the next decade. Eventually, they signed to Combat, which released discs by Agnostic Front, the Circle Jerks, Megadeth, and Dark Angel. Learn more about the band at the Punk Vault.

The sound quality is lo-fi punk, topped with squealing metal guitar cheese, all to awesome effect. Click the pic above to listen, or just listen below:

WHITE PIG, “THE MUNSTERS THEME”

here

What’s your favorite moshable Munsters theme? Submit your choice below, send us a note, and maybe it’ll make the spotlight next time.

–Ferris

D.X. Ferris is the author of 33 1/3: Reign in Blood, the first English-language book about Slayer. You can friend it on the Facebook, or follow his bullshit daily on the Tweeters:@dxferris and @SlayerBook. He’s probably watching the Charlie Brown Halloween special right now.

Remember how that slowed-down Justin Bieber track inspired our very good friend D.X. Ferris to slow down C.O.C. and D.R.I.? Well, now Cosmic Hearse have, rather brilliantly, slowed Metallica’s Ride the Lightning down to 33rpm. And guess what? It actually sounds AWESOME. Like, I’m listening to “For Whom the Bell Tolls” right now, and it’s blowing my mind.

It’s so awesome that it makes wonder what other Metallica albums would sound good at this pace. Having heard this, I wouldn’t be surprised if all the pre-Black Albums releases sounded good this way, but wouldn’t it be crazy if Death Magnetic suddenly sounded killer at 33rpm?

This is seriously really, really good, and you should go download it from Cosmic Hearse before Lars Ulrich makes them take it down.

-AR

Thanks to Pick-Axe Bobby for the tip!!!