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OH NOES! ATTACK ATTACK! LOSES ANOTHER MEMBER

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It was a little over a year ago that Rosie O’Donnell quit Attack Attack!, but the band has managed to persevere without her. Unfortunately, now guitarist Johnny Franck has quit the band, too. And this being the internet age, Franck wasn’t content to just release a statement, the way most musicians do when they leave a successful band. Instead, he made a Real World-style confessional video in which he explains that “being out on tour really damages my relationship with God” and that he wants to “work on strengthening my relationship with Him.” Whenever I hear a musician say something like that, my mind always goes right to, “Translation: I was partying too much on the road, and my guilt is now manifesting itself as religious fervor,” but since I don’t actually know Attack Attack! or Franck, I admit that that could be total BS. (He also refers to Attack Attack! as “AA,” which I don’t think he should do; surely, I can’t be the only one who will forever associate “AA” with “Alcoholic’s Anonymous.”)

In any case, that’s not even the funniest part of this video. After declaring himself down with G-O-D and making sure that everyone knows that he still loves the dudes in Attack Attack!, that he wasn’t fired from the band, and that he will still be making music on his own*, Franck, for reasons I couldn’t even begin to speculate upon, ends the video with a nearly three-and-a-half minute home movie montage of him and the band frolicking while on tour in Australia… set to the music of John Mayer.

John Mayer? Really, guy? Are you leaving a shitty crabcore band, or did your girlfriend die right before prom? What the fuck is this? What the fuck does this have to do with anything? How the fuck does anyone take this fucking band seriously???

-AR

*I’ve never quite understood the whole “leaving a successful band for God but going to start another band” mentality. Does Franck plan for his new band to never tour? If so, how does he plan for them to achieve any measure of success? And if they are going to tour, then how can be sure that those tours won’t damage his relationship with God? And if he is sure that those tours won’t damage his relationship with God, then presumably it’s because he’s figured out the key to touring without offending God — in which case, why not just stay in the already-successful band of which he is currently a member? Is it as simple as “The other dudes in Attack Attack! won’t stop partying so I need to join a band with a ‘no party’ policy?” The whole thing is baffling to me.

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