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Hair Metal Happy Hour, Rampant Rumors, Tour de Force

MOTLEY CRUE AND POISON TOURING TOGETHER? WHATEVER DID WE DO TO BE SO LUCKY?

 Monday, November 15th, 2010 at 11:00am by

According to Metal Undergound, Bret Michaels announced during a Canadian solo gig last night “that in celebration of Poison’s 25th anniversary, the band will be touring with fellow American rockers Motley Crue next year, who will themselves be celebrating their 30th anniversary.” That’s great news, unless you hate fun. Even with Vince Neil being bloated and winded, Tommy Lee devoting the remainder of his career to reenacting the C. Thomas Howell classic Soul Man, Mick Mars having less mobility than a corpse, and Poison being, y’know, Poison, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine this tour being anything less than awesome. Especially if they get another great glam band (by which I mean a band like Cinderella, not a latter-day cock rock wanna-be like Hinder or Saliva), to open. Seriously, just hook the alcohol dispenser up to my veins and let me go see this show. Hell, even if the just turned out to be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking, it would be awesome.

In fact, the tour might just be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking. ‘Cause one of the best things about this rumor is that we now get to take a little stroll down hypocrisy road: back in 2004, Nikki Sixx’s Brides of Destruction declined a tour with Kiss and Poison, writing on the BoD message board that there was “No way in fucking hell” the Brides or Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.”

That statement was already pretty funny at the time, seeing as a) Motley Crue aren’t exactly the most sincere bunch on the planet, and b) Brides of Destruction’s guitar player, Tracii Guns, had briefly done a stint in Poison just a few years prior. But if the Poison/Motley tour actually happens in 2011, every fucking journalist in the world is gonna ask Nikki about this quote, and he’s either gonna hafta back peddle like a motherfucker, or insult his tour mates. And either way, I am going to laugh my ass off.

I really, really, really hope this tour happens. In fact, unless the Big Four do a proper tour together, or, like, Tool tours with Gojira, I can’t really imagine any single arena show I’d be more excited to see. I ain’t lookin’ for nuthin’ but a Dr. Feelgood time, man.

-AR

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  • Austin Nutter

    Yknow how people will watch NASCAR and pray for a big wreck? That would be me at this show.

    • Dean

      1

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathan-Shaw/704096421 Nathan Shaw

    Just think of all the hot older women walking around looking to relive their high school experience one last time!!

    • MadSkins

      Word dude. I heart 40-year-old titties.

      • Johnny Death

        Coo-Grrrr

        • Chase

          Cougar alert at this show. Hell I am not a Motley Crue fan but when I went to their show in 07 and they did the titty cam, it was something else. I was in front row and there was a shit-ton of cougars there. You add Poison to the bill and i gurantee that you will be outnumbered.

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Austin-Sharktopus-Nutter/1418565949 Austin Sharktopus Nutter

            Cougar Party, get in here!

  • http://farbeyonddriven87.tumblr.com Voltron Futura

    I just recently started listening to Motley Crue, so this is good news for me. I hope they come to a city near me.

  • Vakarm

    “That’s great news, unless you hate fun” . ‘Nuff said.

    Ah man i would totally go to that show.

  • http://www.myspace.com/signorojoswe Kaffebaggel

    Apparently i hate fun, fuck you fun!!!

  • M.

    Maybe not Hinder, but a latter-day band who do sleaze right — think Crashdiet, Dynazty or Hardcore Superstar — would be a nice lead-in.

    Or they could be courageous and book a band like Taking Dawn, who do the whole pop-metal/glam thing even better than the originals.

    • bob

      Mr. M I like the way you think!

  • LoGs the Shit

    Tool and Gojira together, i would die from awesome overload

  • Adam

    Wtf is this post talking about, it being a great time? The only thing great to come out of this travesty is if the an earthquake collapses an arena they’re playing in and swallows both bands, forever, so I never have to see another terrible fucking reality show or have to hear either of these awful fucking bands ever again.

    • Dean

      Nah, earthquake collapsing the arena would kill people other than the bands. What you really want is the skies opening up and a bolt from Thor spontaneously combusting both bands at once.

  • Dean

    I like how you presume in the first sentence that everyone has the same idea of what “fun” is. I have not seen such a lack of integrity or respect for diversity since the reviews for Iron Man 2.

    Well, Axl, just as I enjoyed Iron Man 2 far more than the original because it offered an actual go-somewhere story instead of “fun”, I can honestly say that I would prefer to have a certain lady poke 29-gauge needles into my urethra than put up with a note of glam-poseur rubbish like Poison et al. And for precisely the same reason.

    You see, whereas you might be bobbing about saying “yeah, I really dig this *fun*!” at a Poison or Motley Crue show, my brain would be nagging me constantly with statements like “get us out of here, please, we are *starving*!”. Robert Downey junior’s character in Natural Born Killers might have proclaimed his show to be junk food for the brain, but this twaddle is literally the Unemployed African Diet for the brain.

    Quite frankly, Axl, anything you proclaim to be fun in future, I will be avoiding like it is covered head to toe in weeping sores.

    • Binkles

      Whoa, bout a 9 on the tension scale. ya you got fun written all over you. What are you passin a kidney stone over there?

      • MW

        dean, you know that when you miss your afternoon nap you get grumpy. seriously take a nap and when you wake up, you can clean the sand out of your vagina

    • Wildman

      You’re clearly new to this site.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Stamopoulos/575083326 Steven Stamopoulos

    uh, i think axl is being serious that he would like to see the show…
    cinderella and crue would be awesome. poison would be fun as well

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sara-Petrocelli/519197405 Sara Petrocelli

    Pass me the booze. I would most definitely go see this, laugh at the old groupie whores, and party like it was 1987! Hahaha.