I’m sorry, I just love this angel from heaven too much. This last vaguely-metal-related video is kind of amazing, because when it begins you think, “Oh, Neesa is gonna cover Pantera this time!”, but then she says “Not in this house!” (what does she have against Pantera, I wonder?), and instead does a vocal cover of… Seether. That terrible song with Ame Lee from Evansuckence. Oy.

I was kinda hoping her largely phallused boyfriend might join her to sing the dude’s parts of this duet, but, no, she does both parts. Thing is, when she really belts it, she’s actually only not terrible. (And by “not terrible,” I mean that she’s at least as good as Phil Labonte.) Amazing!

If you missed ‘em, check out Neesa’s covers of Megadeth’s “Holy Wars” and Overkill’s “Years of Decay.” The only word I can think to describe her talents is “divine.”

-AR

No matter how you feel about the Kyuss reunion under the Kyuss Lives moniker, I hope it has at least rekindled your interest in that heavy desert rock the boys used to make for us. Fortunately, Small Stone Recordings has been carrying the flame while the rest of you have been trendhopping like a bunch of bitches. (How’s that blackened deathgrind re-thrash emocore working for ya?) And as with last year’s revelation House Of Broken Promises, the label has given us another rare hunk of hard rockin’ gold in Gozu.

Presumably named after the bizarre Japanese flick, this Massachusetts quartet describe their sound as “GAAHL meets Hellhammer meets Clutch” — and who am I to fucking argue with that?! To say that Locust Season, their magnificent debut, rocks is an understatement. For much of 2010, I’ve been pining for some serious hard rock and been given slim pickings from the mainstream as well as the underground. Friends, our long national nightmare is over, and we are in Gozu’s debt. Check out “Regal Beagle” below and tell me that if rock radio actually rocked anymore this wouldn’t be a fucking chart topper!

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-GS

While the rest of the NY-based MS staff was partying it up at the MetalSucks / Metal Injection / 1000 Knives CMJ showcase featuring A Life Once Lost, Car Bomb, This or the Apocalypse and Last Chance to Reason [pictures taken by BBG here], photo master Jacqueline Cheng trekked across the East River to the airy Hammerstein Ballroom, where Black Label Society, Children of Bodom and Clutch were busy rocking Manhattan. Her photos after the jump!

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Izzy Stradlin is not actually from Memphis. He’s not actually the writer of this song, either.

Okay, let’s keep this roadshow a-rollin’, shall we? Today MetalSucks reader Ian Youkin has recommended some bands from the Memphis area. I chose Ian’s e-mail today because none of the bands’ names sounded like the monikers of “core” outfits, but I could be wrong. Let’s find out together, shall we?

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Until recently I didn’t realize this was filmed at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, a stone’s throw from the Vince Division of the Mansion. I still get chills every single time I watch this footage… I can’t help it. It’s just so… chilling… when Layne walks out on stage. Brrrr.

“Desert Island 5″ album for sure.

-VN

Cosmo Lee has posted a list over at Invisible Oranges of the “Top Ten Metal Albums Marred by One Song.” As soon as you see the title of that list, well, you just know it’s gonna be provocative, and, well, it is — I won’t give away which albums are included, but classics by the likes of Metallica, Exodus, Megadeth, Pantera and Morbid Angel show up. Actually, pretty much every album on the list is considered a classic, and their inclusions are bound to piss somebody off.

I’m not sure that agree with Mr. Lee’s criteria for every song, either; there’s one track that seems to have been discounted because the lyrics are misogynistic, and while I agree that that’s not cool, I don’t know that I’d ever throw a whole song out because of lousy lyrics. I mean, most metal singers ain’t exactly sensitive poets, y’know?

Go here to check out the whole list, then come on home to argue about it. What albums don’t deserve to be on the list? Did Cosmo miss any? Are lyrics alone a legitimate reason to dislike a song? I’m curious to hear what you cats have to say about all this.

-AR

[Update: Apparently the video costs $4.99 to watch online, but that fee gets you access for 30 days in addition to all the bonus features. Still a good deal. -Ed.]

All you really need to know about black metal can be summed up in this infamous clip from Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey:

But in case you’ve got the itch for a little more you should most certainly check out Until the Light Takes Us, a documentary about the Norwegian black metal scene as told by filmmakers Aaron Aites and Audrey Ewell, released earlier this year. Our own Urbandale Grimes gave the film a 4.5 out of 5 horn review from an advance DVD he got before its September release date, but lucky for you the entire film is available online right now for free. MS contributor Corey Mitchell, busy working with Phil Anselmo on the latter’s autobiography, phoned in the tip that the filmmakers have made the film available for free for a limited time, complete with all the DVD’s bonus features. So if you’re feeling particularly grim today or you’ve just got 93 minutes to kill this weekend that you’d like to use to further your metal education go on and let the light take you.

-VN

I woke up this morning and had another visit from the Music Video Fairy! Isn’t that exciting? Let’s see what the bitch left me this time.

First up we have “Weaponized,” Oceano’s first video in support of their sophomore effort, Contagion. First of all, I should be honest and tell you that I watched this video with the sound off. The reasons being a) that I knew the music would be borderline unbearable and b) I can’t understand what the fuck the singer is yelling so the lyrics weren’t gonna help me figure out the “story” or “meaning” of the video anyway. What I failed to anticipate, however, was that I wouldn’t need to be able to understand the lyrics in order to comprehend the video; as they do with their music, Oceano have made a clip so lowest-common-denominator that any simpleton could follow it.

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The winner of last week’s contest did not follow instructions and neglected to include his email address with his Facebook login comment. Luckily for Christian “Varg” Voltaggio I have his email address from a prior contest and his entry was the only one that even approached funny. So, Christian wins the signed copy of Ozzy’s Scream for coming up with this caption to the picture at right:

• “The winners of this photo caption contest as their prize is revealed: an autographed copy of Ozzy’s ‘Scream!’”

Meta-comment for the win. This week we have a huge package of CDs from Metal Blade Records; Hail of Bullets – On Divine Winds, System Divide – The Conscious Sedation, Return To Earth – Automata, Allegation – Fragments of Form and Function, Bison BC - Dark Ages, Dawn of Ashes – Genocide Chapters, and Lightning Swords of Death – The Extra Dimensional Wound. In addition to all of that, the winner will get one t-shirt from every single one of those bands in a size Large! Wow! All of this is being brought to you by Metal Club, a group of record stores throughout the US and Canada that work to connect the metal community with their local record stores by bringing you special metal promotional pieces, exciting in-store events, and a series of exclusive Metal Club releases (such as that Metallica Live at Grimey’s album, Job For A Cowboy’s Ruination Limited Edition 3×10″ vinyl/CD Box Set, and Anthrax’s Live at the Sonisphere Picture Disc, among other items listed here).

You know the rules: to win, just come up with the funniest caption to the below photo, and remember to use a real email address (or post it with your comment if you’re using FB Connect)! Thanks to Stefan Stankevich for sending it in.

The Bloody Tour of Horror rocks on! City after city fall in flaming ruin as GWAR marches on, our zombie horde growing in power and fury with each passing day. But even as we slay on a global scale I, Oderus Urungus, make the time to answer your idiotic questions, whether they be of cosmic import or complete crap-ola, and always with the typically evasive and insulting aplomb you have come to expect from me. Remember, Bloody Pit of Horror is out Nov. 9, and every album sold is another hit off the old glass dick for Uncle Odie… yes, that’s right, it actually states in my contract that I get paid in crack. And speaking of crack, we will be doing another Crack-a-Thon next year! Check gwar.tv for all kinds of shit. Now — on to your entreaties, human filth!

If you choke a smurf what color does it turn? I would find out myself but for the life of me I can’t find one of the little blue bastards. — Big P

Well, that depends on what kind of Smurf you are talking about. If you are talking about those little dwarf-like animated shit-fucks, I am sorry to tell you that they are indeed just that — animated. They don’t exist, so you can’t strangle them. You’d have more success strangling your own penis, if you possess one, or can get someone to lend you theirs.

If, however, indeed, you are talking about that peculiar species of human that serves as the collector for blister packs of cough medicine that the local “Papa Smurf” uses to cook into crystal meth, I can assure you, from personal experience, that they go just as blue as any other human.

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Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli.

By now, you all know that Decibel’s December Hall of Fame is Venom’s Welcome to Hell. Good shit, right? Not to mention, it’s always fun when a HOF inductee either has a) two or three killer albums, but nothing that blows the rest of the discography out of the unholy water (I’d put Isis and Ministry in this category, although they haven’t popped up in the Hall just yet), or b) two or three stone-cold face-rulers, and no matter which record we pick, somebody will be harshed that the others got left out. Venom are of the latter ilk. (I wrote “ilk.”) You could make a strong-ass argument for Black Metal, and people have, emphatically. Being the dude who makes these calls can suck. And by “the dude,” I mean editor-in-chief Albert Mudrian, who I’ve as of yet failed to convince that Coal Chamber s/t would “tie the room together.” How about honoring both, you might ask? As of today, we haven’t inducted two albums from the same band; it would be a totally different nightmare determining who should be the first to deserve that. At the end of the day, in my eyes, Welcome to Hell vs. Black Metal — it’s a toss-up, right?

Or not. Sayeth Albert: “Welcome to Hell is hands-down the superior record. A lot of folks champion Black Metal as the better LP, but they think it’s better only because the record is CALLED Black Metal and it makes for a cooler T-shirt! Don’t get me wrong — Black Metal still rules — but tracks like “Teacher’s Pet” and “To Hell and Back” can’t hold an inverted cross to anything on Welcome to Hell.”

This is the same man, mind you, who won’t honor a pointless, already-forgotten sports bet by growing a beard and dying it black. But his reasoning may be a little sounder this time. Agreed?

-AB

If you wanna read Decibel‘s complete Hall of Fame entry on Venom’s Welcome to Hell, you’re gonna need to go ahead and buy yourself a copy of the December 2010 issue of Decibel. But, better yet, why don’t you just treat yourself and buy yourself a full subscription, so you can read EVERY Hall of Fame entry from now on?

No one thinks of Monster Magnet music as overtly inspirational, but fans know that its restorative power is formidable. Astounding, even. There’s an empowering hugeness, a tone of amused disgust, and a lovable protagonist in Dave Wyndorf, Monster Magnet’s mainman. It follows then that Wyndorf is into comic books (presumably the source of his skill at exploding proportions) and also that his ouevre’s best moments are a druggy, sweaty Iron Man-Meets-Evil Dead trilogy for your ears: Fist-pumping. Ear-banging. Mind-mangling. Sack-jabbing. (My hope is that I’m never at at a party where onto the stereo comes “All Friends and Kingdom Come” or “Powertrip,” ‘cuz I will dropkick somebody’s flatscreen into a different time zone.)

Despite his outsized persona on record and the then-pending departure of a longtime bandmate, Wyndorf sounded loose and limber when we spoke last week about his thunderous new record, Mastermind, his admirers in the press, the status of his health/weight/dancing, his favorite idiotic music, and Ozzy’s brain.

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Before we get to today’s regionally-themed “Reader’s Choice,” I’d like to set three quick ground rules for this thing moving forward, since some of you don’t seem to think so good:

• Leaving a comment saying “Hey, do this city!” ain’t gonna do nuthin’. You need to send me an e-mail with your suggestions. Sorry.
• That e-mail should include LINKS TO WHERE WE CAN HEAR THE BANDS. I can’t believe we still have to say this. We’re not gonna google these bands just ’cause you said so. LINKS, PEOPLE, LINKS.
• That e-mail should be relatively polite. If you say “I can’t believe you did this town and not that town” or “I can’t believe you included those local bands but not those local bands,” guess what? I have no choice but to assume you’re dumb. ‘Cause this is “Reader’s Choice.” The band’s are — you guessed it! — selected by readers. If you didn’t e-mail me about your town or about particular bands, well, what were you expecting? That I would just happen to be familiar with every local scene in the world? That’s just not feasible; people send us so much shit that I could probably listen to twenty bands I’ve never heard of every day and STILL be behind. So chill.

Now that I’ve gotten that outta my system, let’s check out some Connecticut bands recommended by the reader known as “needly needly doo,” shall we?

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Now that you guys are all catching onto this Unsigned & Unholy biznass our inboxes have been flooded with requests by bands to check out their music. Which is great, because that was the point. But you know what I’ve found to be the most surprising element of this whole experience? That the overwhelming majority of bands are mediocre. Not terrible, not great… just so-so. Used to be you’d get a lot of laughers, but the access and low cost of today’s recording technology has really leveled the playing field. Still, that doesn’t mean “any band can just get famous on the Internet” as detractors of today’s recording technology claim… it just means that we have to start judging by other criteria like, ya know, songwriting and originality… and eventually the quality of the band’s live show. Anyway:

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If you think all Israeli metal sounds like Orphaned Land, well, you got another thing comin’. The raw, heaving, miserable fucking sludge of Dukatalon marks them as The Holy Land’s most unholy trio; they’ve been likened to Eyehategod, and it’s an apt comparison. It’s like they looked around went, “Well, this sucks — WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT,” and then made music to express the sensation of dying from thirst (slowly and agonizingly). Dukatalon make metal so thick that if you try to put your fist through it, you’ll just get stuck, consumed, and killed. It’s evil, evil, EVIL shit.

It’s also really, really, REALLY good.

Dukatatlon will release their Relapse debut, Saved by Fear, on December 14, but good ol’ MetalSucks already has a little sumpin’ sumpin’ for ya. Check out the new track “ZX” below, and then, once your mind is appropriately wrecked, you can pre-order the album right here. And, of course, you can sample some more music over at Dukatalon’s MySpace page.

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Probably a bit like this.

-GS

Remember earlier this year, when Bret Michaels and Miley Cyrus re-recorded “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” as a duet, and then recorded a new duet with some incredibly sexual lyrics? At the time, I assumed that the 46 year old Michaels was tappin’ the 17 year old Cyrus, but as it turns out, he was probably doin’ her mom instead — at least, the rumor is that their affair is the cause of the pending divorce between Billy Ray Cyrus and Tish Cyrus.

And I don’t know why Tish Cyrus would wanna fuck Bret Michaels. I guess she always had a fantasy in which she slept with a clone of herself, only the clone wore more make-up, and had the facial hair of a barely-pubescent boy.

Of course, now Bret’s publicist has denied the affair, lest it sully his good name:

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Last night MetalGF brought back bagels to the Vince Division for me to eat for breakfast this morning. Since there aren’t really any great bagel shops around the MS Mansion this is a real treat for me, except for the only cream cheese we had in the fridge this morning was like over a week old. And while the bagel hit the spot, the cream cheese was… I dunno, a little too tart or something. Since the cream cheese didn’t cut it, I found myself craving some real cheese this morning… Powerworld to the rescue! When you name your band Powerworld you’ve got to know you’re going to appeal to a very specific crowd. So, if the name Powerworld turns you off then you should stop reading this post right now.

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The new record by The Human Abstract is going to be called Digital Veil. Vince and I visited the band in the studio while they were recording the album a couple of months back, and since then we’ve had the chance to hear a few finished songs, and between the two experiences, we’re ready to predict that the album is gonna be a huge “win” creatively. Noisecreep has a new interview with bassist Henry Selva (no, not Henry Silva), and you should definitely check that out. Digital Veil comes out January 25, and you should be really, really excited to hear it — I know I am.

What does any of this have to do with Stone Sour? Nothing. Less than nothing. But Stone Sour’s new video is for a song called “Digital (Did You Tell)” (See what they did there?), and the word “digital” got me thinking about The Human Abstract, and how much more I’d rather hear Digital Veil than anything by Stone Sour. Thus, I started rambling.

ANYWAY, here’s the Stone Sour video, if you care. It uses a pretty girl, quick edits, and lots of flashy images to try and convince you that something interesting is happening, even though nothing is actually going on. Like a Michael Bay movie. Like the exact opposite of The Human Abstract.

Did I mention that Digital Veil comes out January 25?

-AR

For the record, yes, I did just set a new standard in terrible headline puns by incorporating the name of the band, the name of the album, and the name of the song about which I am going to write. Y’know, every day I wake up and say, “How can I challenge myself?” I’m ambitious like that.

ANYWAY, The Deciblog is streaming a new Phobia track, which is called “If You Used To Be Punk, Then You Never Were.” It’s a Phobia song, so the whole thing is less than a minute; it’s taking me longer to write this (and very possibly taking you longer to read this) than will take for you to actually listen to the song. So maybe stop reading this now and just go listen.

The song comes off of Phobia’s latest, Unrelenting, which Relapse will release on November 23. The band will hit the road with Eyehategod starting at the end of this month; Lambgoat just posted dates.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

-AR