The Grammy nominations have been announced, and, as per usual, they’ve got nuthin’ to do with nuthin’. This isn’t a shock; the Grammys have been a meaningless award, and will remain a meaningless award. But if you’re morbidly curious, as I am, as to who old white dudes think are the créme de la créme of our music of choice, the nominees, and some more snarky commentary from yours truly, are after the jump.

Best Metal Performance

• Iron Maiden – “El Dorado” (from The Final Frontier)
• Korn – “Let The Guilt Go” (from Korn III: Remember Who You Are)
• Lamb of God – “In Your Words” (from Wrath)
• Megadeth – “Sudden Death” (from Guitar Hero: Warriors Of Rock)
• Slayer – “World Painted Blood” (from World Painted Blood)

Korn being here is obviously a total joke, and there’s something hilarious about Mustaine getting a nod for a song from a video game. I’d like to congratulate Lamb of God for joining Slayer, Megadeth, and, some years, Metallica, in the “We get nominated pretty much no matter what” club. That’s not a knock — I love Lamb of God — but sheesh, y’know? Anyways, I don’t believe Maiden have ever won a Grammy before, but I bet they do this year — the squares who vote for these things will all recognize their name, and if they actually listen to the music, “El Dorado” is only semi-melodic song here, so it will appeal to their non-metallic ears. If Bruce Dickinson makes an acceptance speech in which he takes a shot at Ozzy, I’m all good with that.

Best Hard Rock Performance

• Alice in Chains – “A Looking In View” (from Black Gives Way to Blue)
• Ozzy – “Let Me Hear You Scream” (from Scream)
• Soundgarden – “Black Rain” (from Telephantasm)
• Stone Temple Pilots – “Between The Lines” (from Stone Temple Pilots)
• Them Crooked Vultures – “New Fang” (from Them Crooked Vultures)

I’d suggest we all riot if Alice in Chains loses, but that would be far too great an expenditure of energy for such a nonsense “honor.” So let’s compromise and just say that if Alice in Chains loses, all the other bands should get up on-stage and commit seppuku for dishonoring their ancestors. I could live with that.

-AR