My bros from the popular easycore/pop band Fight Fair

Spend a few minutes observing the crowd at a metal show, flipping through the pages of Decibel, or reading MetalSucks, and jot down the first words that come to your mind. If you’re like me, your list will contain many of the following phrases: “low self-esteem,” “poor social skills,” “inferiority complex,” “outcasts,” “doughy physique,” “repellent personality” and “virgin.” It’s not just that I’m an ignorant, elitist dick, I also have the support of the world’s leading scientists:

Social animals in a hierarchic community have a certain rank. Three of these ranks have attracted special attention in ethology and been given special names: alpha, beta and omega.

A beta animal is an animal that will act as a new alpha animal if the old alpha dies. In some species of birds, the males pair up in twos when courting, the beta male aiding the alpha male. The beta male does not generally get to mate with the female birds, but if the alpha dies, he takes over the alpha’s females, becoming the new alpha. Omega (usually rendered ω-male) is an antonym used to refer to the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. An omega is subordinated to all others in the community. The omega is commonly the last allowed to eat.

Lettuce be reality, brahs: listening to metal is beta as fuck. But it begs the question: is there a way to be alpha, yet still listen to metal??? In short, the answer is YES, as long as you play your cards right. Because I find it so rewarding to give back to the community, in this post I will give you all the tools you need — details after the break!!

Take a look in the mirror —  can you get BETA BINGO???

Being in a band? That’s beta. Staying up until 3AM, mashing F5 in hopes of winning a copy of the Razor demo on eBay? That’s beta, too. Posting butthurt comments about how angry the new Attack Attack! video makes you? Beta! Crushing on some 6.5/10 you’ve been Twitter-flirting with because she’s wearing a Venom shirt in her profile pic?? BETA!!!! I could go on, but you get the picture — will a given activity/person either get you laid, or somehow benefit you financially? If not, GTFO!

HOW AN ALPHA ROLLS

MIRIN UR ABS — CUT LIKE DIMONS, SON!!

REPEAT AFTER ME 2 B ALPHA: GET LAID, GET PAID, DGAF ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE

Although publicly admitting/displaying that you are a metal fan is a one-way ticket to being a virgin/outcast/beardo/fatty, there’s nothing wrong with being into metal in the privacy of your own home. Basically, it is OK to be a metal nerd as long as nobody knows about it. If you want to geek out on the Cynic demos, blog about Periphery, and squander your laughable little paycheck on Hydra Head vinyl, that’s your business — just make sure you don’t tell anybody at work/school/whatever about it, because they will definitely think less of you. They will not think you are interesting/”deep”/”marching to the beat of your own drum,” they will just think you are a Juggalo/serial rapist/Satanist. Outside of the comfortable walls of MetalSucks, nobody knows the difference between Confessor and Twiztid, and they DEFINITELY don’t want to hear you explain it.

REPEAT UNTIL SWOLE AS FUCK

The other problem with metal is that chicks don’t like it (don’t kid yourselves — the closest they come to liking metal is when they pretend to like some stupid band because they want to fuck a guy who is in the stupid band). That doesn’t matter if you’re just chilling in your room by yourself, fapping to Pokemon slashfic while you listen to some Burzum (with earbuds, so you don’t wake up your grandmother), but you need to be prepared with a good non-metal playlist in the event that you actually find yourself in the company of a woman who you want to bang. Fact: whether they are indie, punk, mnstrm, or whatever, if you want a girl to get DTF, all you need to do is have a few drinks with her and play some rap.

Exhibit A: Typical metal bish

If a girl is in your car or whatever, hide your Mortician and Meatshits CDs in the trunk and put on the local rap station. If you go on a date, take her to the biggest, douchiest mnstrm hip hop club you know of. If they complain or say some dumb shit about how they don’t like rap, just say “Pssssh, don’t be boring!” There is nothing a girl hates more than being called boring, so they will always be like “I’m not boring!!!! Fine, we can go to that stupid club– but only a for a minute.” As soon as you both have a couple of drinks, and her favorite stupid rap song comes on (all girls listen to top 40 radio, whether they admit it or not), she will start getting low, and then you’re in there.

When girls hear songs with Chris Brown in them, they instantly become DTF

The only really tricky part is knowing when to pounce — if you try too soon, she might get freaked out by your aggressiveness and leave. If you wait too long, she will be 2 drunk 2 fuck, and you’ll have to drag her sloppy-drunk ass around all night and clean up her puke before putting her to bed and fapping by yourself (just like every other night, only this time you’re also out $75 for drinks). Here’s a little trick: when you’re about ready to leave and get down to business, say something like, “Oh shit, I’m kind of drunk — do you think I should have another drink or no??” If she smiles and says you should have another, that means she is DTF and you should close your tab and get her home ASAP. If she says something like “Ummmmm no I think you’re good,” that means she’s not interested and you should ditch her immediately (just text her and say you got kicked out of the club because you got in a fight with one of the doormen).

Try it for yourself, my formula never fails — and obviously it doesn’t work if you try substituting Municipal Waste or Portal for Flo-Rida or Jason Derulo.

Would I get BETA BINGO if I hung out with you for a day?? What commercial rap songs are in your “DTF playlist?” How do u hide metal from your friends, family and co-workers??? Parents, what if ur kid came home in an Emperor shirt — would u be disappoint?????

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D blogs every day for alpha males at Stuff You Will Hate.