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Cinemetal

TRENT REZNOR SUCKS (BLOOD)

 Monday, March 7th, 2011 at 12:00pm by

Hey Trent Reznor: You just won the Oscar! What are you gonna do now? Are you going to Disneyland???

“Fuck no! I’m gonna jump on the vampire bandwagon, that’s what I’m gonna do!”

Yep yep. According to Badass Digest, Academy Award winner Trent Reznor will not only score, but will also act, in the upcoming movie adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is about exactly what you think it’s about. Reznor will apparently play the vampire who kills Lincoln’s mother, thereby setting the future president (he’s being played here by 29 year-old Benjamin Walker) down his path as a, uh, y’know. Vampire hunter. Talk about giving new meaning to With Teeth! (I had to get it outta my system. Please disregard.)

Okay, so as regular readers are aware, I’m usually Pro-Reznor all the way. But this is a terrible fucking idea, for a number of reasons:

  • FUCK VAMPIRES. If they were ever cool, they are certainly not now. This trend has already been beaten to (un)death; by the time the movie comes out next year, the corpse will have decayed. Reznor is supposed to be at the head of the pack, not dragging the rear.
  • The movie is being directed by Timur Bekmambetov, who is a hack. I know there are people who are fans of his previous movies, like Wanted and Night Watch, but I have to assume that those people are either brain dead, or even higher than I am. His flicks look cool, and that’s all they have going for them. This guy cares about telling a good story the way Kerry King cares about writing an innovative riff. I can’t believe Reznor is going from working with a genius like David Fincher (in addition to The Social Network, he’s also scoring Fincher’s upcoming adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and collaborating with the director on a musical stage version of Fight Club) to working with the umpteetnth dude who saw The Matrix and was like, “I can do that!” Unless Bekmambetov makes some serious evolutions as a filmmaker, this movie is going to be boring, boring, boring.
  • FUCK VAMPIRES. Seriously.
  • I have no idea if Reznor has any acting chops or what, but assuming, for the sake of argument, that he does, I don’t think playing a vampire is the best way to unveil those chops to the world. We get it: Reznor is a hero to goths everywhere, goths like vampires, etc. It’s about as creative as casting Vince Neil as a fat alcoholic.
  • Also, did I mention FUCK VAMPIRES?

So maybe I’ll hafta eat a bag of crow after this movie comes out; maybe it will be awesome. But I doubt that, because I am never wrong. Mark my words: Reznor’s score will be the only good thing about this movie.

Oh well. I guess Trent was bound to let us down sooner or later.

-AR

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

    Don’t forget that literary mash-ups ala PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES, and this one, are already passe as well (not to mention Reet-Reet).

    • Vakarm

      Those were funny for about 5 minutes

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brent-Andersen/1394252992 Brent Andersen

      Those books were nothing but a cheap novelty. Once you got past the zombie stuff, there’s not a lot going for it.

      • Strapping Young Lad

        Agreed. I borrowed it from my younger emo sister a while back and it made me smile for all of 5 minutes, then got amazingly boring. I didn’t even make it to the 5th chapter.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/James-Butler/100000300276967 James Butler

    With Teeth! ha… such a fucked up movie…

    • Aaron R A

      You don’t get it, do you?

      • Strahalov

        he clearly doesn’t, does he?

        • Aaron R A

          I mean, good on him for seeing “Teeth” and all, but, but that’s pretty damn irrelevant right now.

  • Jewers

    I liked Wanted…Morgan Freeman said fuck.

    • Strapping Young Lad

      It was fun… But like Axl said, beyond visually, there’s really not much of a movie there. IT was pretty, however.

  • darkdragon

    I’m more alarmed that Lincoln is being played by some dude who’s not even 30 yet. “Young Lincoln.” Jeeze.

  • huntermc

    This story was already report as debunked at the NIN Hotline last week. Interestingly, though, the debunking story is not up there any more as of this morning.

    Quote:
    The rumor comes from an article in EW that says “A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox confirms that the studio is currently negotiating to lure Reznor aboard, not only to supply the film’s music, but to play Jack Barts, the vampire who kills Lincoln’s mother and sets the hero on his path of righteous vengeance.”

    So they’re trying to get Reznor, but they’ll probably settle for Danny Lohner instead.

  • Clint

    “I guess Trent was bound to let us down sooner or later”. You wouldn’t be a fucking idiot if you had written this in 1998 instead of 2011.

  • Mike87

    The book is actually not a comedy and was surprisingly good. I’m not getting my hopes high for the movie adaptation though.

  • Matt S

    “Are we having fun yet???”

    can I play Lincoln?

    • slice two

      PARTY DOWN FTW!!!

  • los
    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Corey-Mitchell/660352330 Corey Mitchell

      It’s not false. Trent said in the very post you linked that he is indeed the composer for the film AND that he has a cameo role in said film.

      • stu1

        Actually, he doesn’t say he’s composing it. He says he’s been in discussions, and in those discussions, a cameo arose, so ‘act surprised.”

  • reznik

    i like slutty vampires

  • namelessness

    I wanna fuck you like a vampire.

  • Ray Peterson212

    I have to disagree, I have heard awesome things about this book (which has no bearing in how it will be on screen, I get that) and whoever is financing this film obviously thinks Timur has what it takes to make this good. Remember, hes only directing the film, the script is already written aka the book which is why I am hopeful. I am trying to stay optimistic until further notice.

  • dread

    Nice thing about a title like that, it’s difficult to see how the book (or by extension, movie) could be stupider than the title. Not that I will ever ever ever find out if someone doesn’t strap me down and clamp my eyes open ala Clockwork Orange.
    Jesus, how do people ever pick up this kind of dreck to even find out that it sucked? I mean just because you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover doesn’t mean you have to watch Bret Michaels show to figure out if you have better things to do with your time.

  • http://metalmykee.blogspot.com Metal Mykee

    the book was really really awesome. so i’m psyched to see the movie either way.

  • Mongorian

    Christ axl is being a pissy bitch today

  • Frampler

    FUCK VAMPIRES indeed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lance-Dillon-Lyon/1249389003 Lance Dillon Lyon

    All the market saturation of vampire shit does not mean that all things vampire are shit. I AM skeptical about this but am also not an idiot! I know its very metal to hate all things popular but lets base our opinions on observation and not speculation. After all, that is what makes your opinion respected and portrays you as an intellectual! “The more you know” du nah nu nah nuuuuu!!!

  • Moltanic

    First off Axl, all vampires =/= Twilight. Don’t let one trainwreck of a novel ruin your life. Secondly, did you ever actually read this book? It’s surprisingly well-written and without a trailer to go one neither you or I can really form an opinion about this film adaptation. even the worst directors can pull a good film out of their ass on occasion.

  • Fliper

    The Reznor always knows what he’s doing.

  • uLy

    The Wanted a long with nightwatch and daywatch were great movies.