Ask Oderus

ASK ODERUS: ODERUS ANSWERS QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR MOM, A GWAR VIDEO GAME AND THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

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Greetings human filth, it is I, Oderus… no need for all the formal greetings that would normally be required for you. After all we have done this several times before. And with each successful snooze-fest (which is what answering your questions amounts to) I swore I would never again waste my time answering your asinine inquiries. But strangely enough, I found myself drawn to the web and reading your questions, no matter how stupid they were… and then I realized that my pathetic need for attention in any form completely outweighed any objections I might otherwise have had. Following that? After all, I did create you, and therefore despite your appalling appearance I am drawn to my creation, much like a father who puts a camera in his daughter’s toilet. So let’s be at it, you cretins!

kajoheri says:

My mother can’t move anymore after you raped her butt. She stays in bed all day. That’s all very well, but.. Under this condition, she is absolutely NOT able to feed my indigent tummy. Will I die of hunger?
Please Oderus.. HELP ME!

First of all, it is not uncommon for a human woman to sleep for three to ten weeks after I have raped her, depending on which hole was used. So if it’s been longer than that, your Mom is dead. My advice would be to eat her immediately. Don’t let her spoil. You humans don’t have the taste for rotting flesh that I do. I consider it a delicacy especially, when it’s washed down with cups of hot, steaming yak-piss. Now if your Mom is not dead you might want to choke the bitch out, or even better whore her ass out on the street for a while before you snuff her. Then kill her and eat her, plus probably get all of her stuff, hopefully at least a car and maybe the house. If you liked her… well, then I really don’t know what to tell you, except…get a fucking job!

Kyle “The Rooster” Spencer says:

Would ya do a song with me and my guitarist The Gothican? Ya’ll get ta kill a lot of people. Please ya Pig-Faced Fuck

Your tone is offensive and your request ridiculous. And I don’t need you or anyone else to enable me to “kill a lot of people”. They only reason I answer your question is so I can say “no”.

I will however, go a tad further, and stick around just long enough to ridicule the name of your guitar player, “Gothican” the name being completely gay in only the most worthless and abject aspects of the word, the word of course being “gay”. Even you, Gothican, cannot deny the name is gay! And if your name is gay and you are not, then you have got problems. But we both know the opposite is true! You are the one that is gay! So change your gay name so it is not so fucking obvious that you are gay as well.

Selig says:

Is GWAR ever going to get a video game? Seriously, so many humans would love to run around as Balsac or Jizmak and kill great beasts like Gor-Gor! If any company could/would do it, it’d be Double Fine.

That’s a good question, idiot, I wish I had thought of it. As a matter of fact, I have! Often I have pondered as I traverse endless plains of my gutted victims, why the hell hasn’t anyone ever put out a GWAR video/computer game? I mean, it wouldn’t be too hard, just follow me around for a few days as I go out on an intercontinental murder spree, engaging the armies of several countries in the process! Put those stupid sensors all over my body or do whatever the fuck you have to do. The GWAR video game, if anybody ever grew the balls to make it, would be, simply put, the sickest, most vile and sexually violent game ever made, yes, that’s right I said game, game period… the sickest game ever, video or not! A game that makes your eyeballs explode with syphilis! No, the game companies would rather stick with their own loosely-based-on-GWAR ideas, which suck, rather than the real thing, which rules, plus they don’t want to have to give us all the money, which we would take. They want to sell games at Wal-Mart, we want to set the building on fire and run riot through the aisles. So we still don’t have the GWAR video game, or TV show, or movie, and ya wanna know why? Because the human race still isn’t ready for us!

But I am checking out Double Fine; sooner or later somebody will do this thing. In the meantime bug the shit out of them.

Strapping Young Lad says:

If you were to participate in a human centipede, would you choose to be the front, middle or end?

This “human centipede” you speak of is amongst the first and rudest flesh sculptings one learns back at the Loi Goi’s Necrotic Institute of Eternal Damnation, where I studied for an undetermined number of years. Ahhh, the memories I have of school, kind of like an extremely naughty “Harry Potter” environment, except with lots more anal rape. And everything was on fire.

Being as familiar with these creations as most people are with their own private parts, I know all too well the various pros and cons of the various positions, and to be honest there are no pros, there are only cons, and a hell of a lot of them as well. But I suppose if I had to be involved in such a wretched venture — and by the wording of your entreaty I am assuming that I am somehow bound to this fate, even if only for the sake of whatever puny reason you have for coming up with this question — I must say I would be… the middle piece!

AngryOx says:

Describe the future of America for us, a vivid picture if possible, because we all know that you alone have seen

I wish I could help you, but even with the vast array of powers that I have at my disposal (both super and not-so), I am sad to say that pre-cognition is not one of them. Not to say that I don’t have visions of the future; that’s the whole problem. Time travels in all directions at once, backwards and forwards and sideways… every possible permutation that can occur does occur… and I see them all, and have no idea which one is true. What I can tell you in such repeating hallucinations I begin to see trends and patterns, and upon those I can make general projections of what probably is to come. I actually have a pretty good track record and can usually get an accurate picture, and have put a lot of effort into seeing about, oh… 50 years or so into the future… and I am now convinced I have an accurate idea or your near-history, so accurate that in fact you could get quite rich making a series of shrewd investments.

But I’m not going to tell you!!!!

David Shcherbelis says:

What would be the best ingredients for a Valentine’s Day Barbecue?

Hearts of course! Human hearts. Hundred’s of roasting hearts popping and sizzling with hot blood, served at a party hosted by the corpse of Jon Bonet Ramsey, deep within the bowels of the cursed abyss. Pus drips from the sky as the maggots fall like rain. This is my domain! Gigantic infernal heart-roasting machines that whirl and flay! And through the reeking mass, hordes of low-level celebrities, driven by demons with whips, are lined up at sword point, dragged to the altar, and have their chests split with great alacrity! Slowly, agonizingly, that most important organ is cruelly pried from its holy ribbed chamber, and is impaled upon burning skewers, much to the choirs shrieking delight!

Now that’s my kind of party!

David says:

Given that you plan on taking over the earth, I’m curious how you are going to deal with the corporate / military industrial complex that currently rules everyone. Oh yeah, and the banks too.

GWAR has no plan to “take over the Earth;” we already own it! Any power structure, from the Freemasons to the Girl Scouts, is suffered to exist solely because we deem it so. As to our reasons for allowing such unjust institutions to continue in their larcenous ways, especially when many of those they most routinely victimize are amongst the most ardent GWAR followers out there… to that I say… “shut up!” How dare you inquire about my private affairs or even begin to question my fiendish designs? Just for that, I am going to go back to the drawing board and mess everything up,and then make a new plan, one that won’t work, and it will all be YOUR FAULT, you shouldn’t have even fucked with it and everything would have been fine!

Evan Clark says:

What would you say to doing a split album with Ziltoid? Heard you guys were friends…

Not really friends so much as fellow intergalactic warlords. He is more the evil genius type. I am more the mindlessly violent type. I have never met him, which actually might be for the best as I hear he has a pretty potent disintegration ray. Not that it could kill me but he might get a lucky shot and hit me in the dick slit. It’s my weak spot. Oh fuck I just told everyone. Well, there you have it, Oderus has got a very sensitive dick-slit. Sometimes kids huck quarters into it from the barricade, after the gig is over I piss change! You’d be amazed at the shit I peel outta my cock after a GWAR show… I find teeth, retainers, wads of chewing gum…if you don’t scrape your reeking under-balls daily you start to build up some kind of flesh cone, which really in itself isn’t that bad, except it tends to form a hairy scab that rapidly forms its own personality, and it’s always a nasty one. There are enough assholes in this band as it is!

Marsh says:

On average how much does an abortion cost? Would it be a wise decision to start saving for future surprises?

Everything has a cost, but money is not always the measure.

Oooooh, I like that, kinda like a Ben Franklin kinda thing to say. Maybe there’s a future in that, you know, the hearty, down home witticisms from Oderus Urungus. Let me do another one…

My maggoty ass is but unto naked baby rape.

Hmm…that one didn’t work out so well. Fuck it! Hell, Marsh, what block are you from? Everybody knows you have to pay some weird little Mexican dude to come in there and Hoover that brat outta there and into the casserole dish a.s.a.p.! I don’t know how much you pay the guy, but an exchange of greasy bills seems to do the trick. If you simply must spend all of your money on junk, then you can adopt the low-budget approach — kick her pregnant ass down a flight of stairs!

1QQDudeman says:

what does lol and all the other random acronyms really stand for???

L.o.l – Licking for Lucifer

L.m.f.a.o. – Lord Mommy for Anus Open

N.F.L.– Negroes Fling Leopards

KKK – Kinky Kirk Kill

A.D.D. – Awesome Dildo Designs

A.F.L. – C.I.O. — All Faggots Lick Creepy Infant Organ

N.A.A.C.P. – Norwegians Always About Cold Penis

M.I.L.F – Mucho Italian Lemure Factory

K.G.B. – Kangaroo Goes Berserk

R+D – Retards and Debauchery

***

Well, I think it’s safe to say that this column has reached an all-time low. And it’s all your fault. Believe it or not, those were the ten best questions (according to our jury of fecal midgets). I don’t want to admit it, but I will soon be back, prowling the cyber-net, seeking your questions and giving you the answers as only I can. You may be a retarded one, but you are still my child, and with you all being my property I feel I must devote more time to beating you. There is something that only the cold steel hand of your oppressive Overlord can convey to you — a crushing grip steeled by the boundless hatred I have for you and all things alive. I hope to be setting up some “beating sessions” in nearby parking lots next time we tour, so the people that are unable to be at the show (an offense punishable by death) can still be smashed about the face in person by members of the band, even though they might not be fully conscious at that point (the band that is… that’s early for them).

Til next time, human filth!

YOUR MASTER

Oderus Urungus

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