I was inspired to put some thoughts down after reading Sergeant D.’s post about what a terrible decision it is to commit yourself to the band life at a young age, because eventually the wheels will fall off and you’ll end up just like some morose version of the Anvil story: Sad, old, broke, and disillusioned by shattered dreams of rock stardom.  I know his blog was supposed to be funny and sarcastic, and was even sprinkled with a hint of sour grapes: Not getting to be that “cool band guy,” but justice being served down the line by seeing how those guys ended up. But I have to say that post hit home for me, because in many ways it was about me. I mean generally, not specifically. I’m pretty sure Sergeant D. didn’t follow me around and base his post on me autobiographically.

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American Idol week 9

Wed: The final 12 perform songs from their birth years

Thur: Live results plus tons of bullshit

Misery index: Kill me

Tyler-o-meter: Double bonerz

Live television production seems like heavy-duty work, and that might explain why this week’s American Idol shows overflowed with easily avoided gaffes, stillborn gags, puzzling messages, and momentum-killing guest spots. It started with host Ryan Seacrest’s hailing of the show’s ahem “ten-year anniversary” and picked up stinky steam with a laughable guys vs. gals mash-up of “Born To Be Wild” and “Born This Way.” The messages: Copywriters need pay no heed to second-grade language study and men are “wild” while women are in need of acceptance. (Bonus message: It’s acceptable to plagiarize a Madonna song.)

What followed a second car spot featuring the Idol hopefuls (barf) was a montage of Q&As in which they talked up their childhood dreams (only one dreamt of a singing career) and special talents (none included singing). Each segment was an attempt to endear viewership to these personality-free showbiz kids, but more closely approximated a high-school AV club project and online dating profile reject reel, respectively.

Then came performances from the reigning Idol champ (Coldplay wants their piano part back) and the reigning champs of defective robot rap (Chuck E. Cheese wants his stage act back), each of which demonstrated the ease of spurring a standing ovation in the Idol torturedome. And as soon as judge Jennifer Lopez was done assigning the blame for Jacob’s pitch problems to the front of house mixing team, contestants Haley, Naima, and Karen were placed in the Bottom Three (I just watched Irreversible before Wednesday’s show; the term Bottom Three is particularly revolting). At least four Idol singers should’ve been swept right out into the street by Sandman Sims; alas, only one was eliminated.

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Is it just me, or is the GUTTURAL SLAMMING BRUTALITY scene not what it used to be?? IDK, just seems like it gets harder every day to get my slam on… was it just a trend, just a fad? Just another meaningless bandwagon?? Maybe to some it was just a phase, but to me slam isn’t something you do, it’s who you are. To borrow a phrase from Forever The Sickest Kids, IDKAYBICTS [I Don't Know About You But I Came To Slam]. When I listen to new slam bands, I feel like they are just going though the motions. Where’s the SOUL??

That’s why I am so into my new favorite slam band, EPICARDIECTOMY (straight out of Czech Republic).

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So we get a sent a lot of technically and progressively-minded metal, and, honestly, most of it is the very definition of “riff salad.” Except that I’m tempted to call it “note soup,” ’cause, really, the music is just that flaccid. It seems like everyone and their mother can play these days, but no one knows how to actually structure a damn song. So all of these not-very-good-anyway bands ending up sounding more or less exactly the same.

Enter Amog Symphony, who were suggested to us by reader Jared Lucas.

This is a two-person band; Vishal J. Singh, who does the guitar/bass/synths/programming/sound effects, is from Mumbai, while Jim Richman, who plays the actual drums and does “metal percussion SFX,” is from Richmond. You would probably not guess that a dude from India and a dude from Virginia would make the best creative bedfellows, and I can’t tell from looking at Amog Symphony’s Bandcamp, Facebook, Soundcloud, or MySpace pages if they’re ever actually even in the same room or if they’re working together from half a world apart. But whatever they’re doing, it’s working.

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Props to reader Nico C. for reminding us about the Darkest Hour Legacy Tour contest we hosted back in November and December. Ya see, uh, you all know we like to partake in the green herb from time to time and that said herb can have an effect on the memory. Well, umm… we just straight up forgot to choose a winner.

But fear not! Good things come to those who wait; in this case “good things” are one t-shirt from each of the bands on the tour — Darkest Hour, Veil of Maya, Periphery and Revocation — and “those who wait” is our lucky winner Shaun Reeves. We asked “Which Darkest Hour song is your favorite of all-time, and why?” and Shaun answered thusly:

Convalescence. Sure it’s not their heaviest or most technical, but it was one of the first metal songs I had ever heard. The first time I heard it was when I saw the video for it on a victory records sampler. I straight up laughed the first time I saw it, I thought it was terrible, and the lead singer looked like an angry nerd who got beat up in high school too much. As I gradually started getting into heavier music, I watched it again, and it changed my life. It was the heaviest thing I had ever heard, yet it was so melodic. Kris Norris instantly became my icon, his solo was the greatest one I had ever heard. That song not only turned me into a metal head, it turned me into a metal guitarist.

So, congrats Shaun, and sorry for the delay. Enjoy those shirts. Darkest Hour’s new jam The Human Romance is out now.

Live on I-5, the new Soundgarden release of old live recordings, and My Life My Way, the new Agnostic Front album, are now both streaming on Facebook. I haven’t had a chance to listen to either one yet, although I’m sure they both provide their own unique pleasures.

Of course, you have to hit the “like” button and tell all your friends that the band is you-approved in order to hear the music. And I find this trend very interesting. I’m thrilled that bands are finally ditching MySpace, but I am curious if the “like” button really helps music to spread virally, or if it discourages casual fans or maybe even potential fans — a.k.a. “the most important market, since they’re not guaranteed to get the album/go to the concerts/buy the merch/etc. anyway” — from checking out the music.

I know there’s something wholly illogical about the concept of people not wanting to click the “like” button. It’s not like it takes a whole bunch of effort, or subscribes you to countless spam e-mails, or anything like that. But I do think it’s possible that there are people whose neuroses are such that they just don’t want that thing on their page that says “Johnny likes Lake Bukkake” or whatever, for any one of the following reasons:

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I guess the water supply at the MS Mansion this week has been poisoned with Power Metal Party Punch, ’cause Vulvagun are the second quality power metal submission we’ve gotten in as many days. Don’t worry, the music sounds exactly like how you’d expect given the band’s ridiculous name (which essentially translates to “penis” if I’m interpreting it correctly). More than likely, though, the band was just trying to turn heads with their name… and hey, mission accomplished. That album cover is completely OOC too. Kinda reminds me of the cover for In Flames’ Whoracle.

Vulvagun’s brand of Power is faster, more thrashy, and a touch less cheesy than most. The vocalist is pretty good but misses the mark from time to time which occasionally brings the band down, but they’re still pretty decent. Give ‘em a listen.

-VN

Thanks: Wayne Dwyer

On April 26, Clutch will reissue their awesome 2004 album, Blast Tyrant, through their own Weathermaker Music label. And to sweeten the deal, they’re including a ten-song bonus CD, Basket of Eggs, which will include acoustic versions of a number of their classic songs — like “Tight Like That,” from their self-titled 1995 classic. We absolutely love this song, and the acoustic rendition is KILLER. Whether you’re a long time Clutch fan or new to the band, you NEED to check this shit out.

Stream the track below, exclusively here at MetalSucks, and be sure to pick up the Blast Tyrant reissue with the bonus Basket of Eggs CD on April 26!!!

[this streaming promotion has ended]

Reader Max Vassallo sent us an email recently asking us to check out his two bands… and you know what? The other dudes in Max’s bands should consider themselves damn lucky to have Max around, ’cause the dude is clearly talented even if he uses “u” as an abbreviation for “you” in emails. That drives the MS Mansion Monkeys up the fucking wall.

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We love having a good list to argue about here at MetalSucks (heck, we’re working on a new one ourselves right now… duh-duh-duhhhhh!!!), and today we have blessed with two of ‘em. So enjoy reading these over, and then come back here and rip each new other assholes about ‘em:

• Gibson — yes, the guitar company — has a list of the Top 50 Metal Songs of All Time, and, uh, that is a fucking hard topic about which to argue. I only glanced at the list because I don’t even know how pretend to take this shit seriously, but I think a lot of the usual suspects are there. You may wanna get your panties in a twist over the fact that songs by Korn and Twisted Sister were selected over any number of more worthy bands (none of the following groups made the cut: Anthrax, Exodus, Testament, Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, At the Gates or any other Swedish band, Napalm Death, Deicide, Sepultura, any black metal band… the list goes on and on). Also, they chose one of the weirdest possible Tool tracks available. I mean, it’s a beautiful song, but one of the fifty best metal tunes of all time?
• Tombs’ Mike Hill has posted a list of the Top 10 Industrial Metal Albums over at Noisecreep. It’s a solid list I think, but some of you will surely take issue with the fact that Marilyn Manson didn’t make the cut.

Okay, now starting yer’ fightin’!

-AR

‘CAUSE THIS DUDE JUST WROTE THE HIT THAT IS GOING TO SAVE THE RECORD INDUSTRY.

Informal poll: best part is the vocals, the lyrics, or the guitar playing? I’m going with the lyrics myself, because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken teenager attempting to express his angst through song, but, obviously, the entire piece is gold.

I’m assuming that the reader who sent this to me wants to remain anonymous, since he knows this dude.But I appreciate him sending me the video!

-AR

I have recently come across not one but two black metal videos which feature nuns and nudity. Clearly, this is an important artistic trend in our culture which simply cannot be ignored. We must watch these videos, probably multiple times and certainly in a private setting where we will not be distracted or disturbed, to ensure that we have analyzed their content to the greatest extent possible, and fully grasp their meanings.

(Needless to say, these videos are NSFW.)

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My dad had kidney stones once when I was a kid and I remember him being in all kinds of agony. So please understand that I am not making fun of him for playing a show despite suffering from this particular malady, because that is very admirable. The set at this gig was apparently abbreviated, for obvious reasons, but for him to do what he did for the fans deserves a big pat on the back.

I am, however, making fun of him for being pompous, and for thinking that he was healed by the power of prayer.

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Readers, I have failed you.

I feel obligated to tell you that there’s another new Cavalera Conspiracy song out (“Thrasher,” below) because it’s the Cavaleras, but I’ve listened to it three times trying to find something to say about it, and then I was like, “Oh I wanna listen to Chaos A.D.,” and then I just put Chaos A.D. on.

It’s not that I hate the Cavalera Conspiracy song or anything, it’s just that none of what we’ve heard so far socks me in the bread basket the way Inflikted did (when it was like “HOLY SHIT THESE BOYS CAN STILL WRITE SEPULTURA SONGS AFTER ALL!!!”), and, besides, like I said, I have access to Chaos A.D. And Beneath the Remains. And Arise! I should find some quality time with Arise real soon, it’s been awhile.

C&C Music Factory’s latest, Blunt Force Trauma, comes out March 28 on Roadrunner. Despite the fact that none of the songs we’ve heard so far have fucked my face off, I am going to listen to it all the way through at least once.

-AR

“SINISTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

Man, this shit is rockin’.

So. File this under “Things We Should Have Been Talking About for Awhile Now ‘Cept We Keep Getting Distracted Making Fun of Peeps”: there’s a new Pestilence album coming out next month. It’s called Doctrine. And now there are two new songs streaming, “Salvation” and “Sinister.”

As you can probably tell, I am particularly fond of “Sinister.” Not only do Patrick Mameli’s desperate-zombie wails sound particularly deranged, but that riff… man, I know it’s nothing you’ve never heard before, but it’s got so much groove, dude, it just makes you wanna bop your head with it. Metal that actually feels good to listen to. This seems like an increasingly rare concept these days. Hm.

Mosh here. Doctrine comes out in April on Mascot.

-AR

[via Metal Underground]

Today is the Day, 2011: from left to right — Ryan Jones, Steven Austin, and Curran Reynolds. Photo by Karen Novak.

Curran Reynolds is not just a staple of, but a bona fide blessing to, the New York City metal scene. As both the drummer for Wetnurse and the mastermind behind Precious Metal, the city’s “best and longest running weekly event dedicated to heavy music,” the guy is a FORCE, and anyone who loves metal and lives in NYC should be grateful for him.

So. Wetnurse’s follow-up to Invisible City was my pick for Album That Will Fuck Your Face Off in 2011 (and if you’ve never heard Wetnurse before, please please please go listen to the on the second volume of our free NYC Sucks comp), but before that yet-to-be-recorded record ever sees the light of day, Ryenolds and his Wetnurse band mate, bassist Ryan Jones, will appear on another insanely exciting new release: Today is the Day’s Pain is a Warning. This will be Steve Austin’s ninth release for the constantly-pushing-the-envelope outfit, but it will be the first time Reynolds and Jones have recorded with the band — and you can hear the excitement in Reynolds’ voice. He is a huge fan living the dream — he really did get to go and join one of his favorite bands.

As I’m writing this, TITD is about ten days away from completing the album. Immediately thereafter they’re off to do a five-week tour of Europe (get dates here); in typically fuck-nuts TITD fashion, the very first show of that tour will take place at Litla Hraun prison, the only Maximum Security correctional facility in Iceland, which currently holds violent offenders, burglars, and drug traffickers, and Lucifer knows who the hell else. And yet, despite the busy schedule of completing the album/preparing for the tour/praying there isn’t a prison riot, Curran was cool enough to take some time out of his day and answer a few of my questions.

After the jump, read what he had to say about the new Today is a Day album, how he came to join the band, working with Austin and producer Kurt Ballou, and more.

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It’s almost here! Meek is Murder’s Algorithms is almost here! We’re SO FUCKING EXCITED for you all to finally get to hear it… it is going to rip your face off, eat your face, poop out your face, make you eat the poop made from your face, eat the poop you make from eating the poop the album made from eating your face, and then poop it out one more time. It’s that fucking good.

Don’t believe us? Here’s what the critics are saying about the Algorithms:

“Manic, unpredictable, and even a little bit jovial, they’re a colorful headfuck, but they certainly don’t sacrifice brutality in the name of fun.”
-The Village Voice

“This new Brooklyn-based metal band… may have just put out the best metal album of 2011.”
-City’s Best

That’s high praise indeed… but they ain’t lying. And you don’t even have to take their word for it: you can download another new song, “Hope Springs Eternal (Spaghetti Code),” AND read an interview with guitarist/vocalist Mike Keller, right here. Take your socks off before you listen, or you might lose ‘em.

There’s still time to pre-order Meek is Murder’s Algorithms before we release it this coming Tuesday, March 22. It was produced and mixed by the legenary Kurt Ballou! We’ve only got a few copies left of the super-limited-edition CDs that the band personally made, put their actual fingerprints on, and sprayed with drummer Frank Godla’s cologne, so order one of those immediately if you want it, ’cause once it’s gone, it’s gone. But you can always get the digital download or the digital download and t-shirt package.

And the band is still on tour! Get dates after the jump… or just download their free app for your iPhone, iPod touch, and/or iPad.

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Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

The fifth installment in the Decibel Flexi Series arrives in the May 2011 ish, and as some of you already know, it’s a brand new face-ripper from Napalm Death, “Legacy Was Yesterday,” their first new material since 2009’s Time Waits for No Slave. Aside from the prospect of Wilson Valdez starting the season at second base for his favorite baseball team, this is easily the best thing to happen to our editor-in-chief in 2011 so far. Anyway, Napalm kicked out this jam especially for Decibel, so not only will you not hear “Legacy” anywhere else, but hopefully (since it rules), it’ll be a preview of the new album, which they’re writing probably this very second. Take a test drive right here.

Napalm Death “Legacy Was Yesterday” by Decibel Magazine

And, of course, if you’re hopping on the Flexi train late, that doesn’t mean you can’t catch up, either via 2011’s non-sold-out back issues, or sampling the fear and emptiness via stream.

-AB

You can buy the May 2011 issue of Decibel here, or get a full subscription to ensure you never miss one of these awesome flexi discs!

Is anyone still sober? No? Not a one of you?

GREAT! That makes this the perfect time to listen to something loud and obnoxious.

So. This morning I asked for some good suggestions for Irish metal bands, and suggestions you have been a-leavin’. I obviously can’t listen to every single band on this list because come on (and also a vast amount of you didn’t provide links, which is stinky), but I am now going to attempt to listen a whole bunch of ‘em. Man, I hope that these bands so not suck.

OH! And before we go any further, Go raibh maith agat to for pointing out there is new Altar of Plagues music available right now. Headbang here. It’ll put hair on your ass.

And tá brón orm to Brendan McGregor, who pointed out that I wrote “Patty’s,” not “Paddy’s.” I apologize for this most heinous error… but I’m Jewish, so bear with me, okay? I’m trying here.

Okay! Here we go with the suggestions…

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After listening to Psycho’s female blowtorch, Penny Torture, and Ava Inferi’s haunting distaff elemental, Carmen Susana Simões, I realized it’s time we just chill and admit that women are all-around better at this metal-singing thing.

Is this mad exaggeration? It feels like that when I’m away from an MPEG player, but then I listen to those two radically different bands, to Psycho’s primal-scream old school death or Ava Inferi’s doomed-out, gothy whatsit, and it feels I’m not over-reaching, I’m underselling.

And it’s not just two superior releases (Ava Inferi’s Onyx and Psycho’s Pain Addict Pigs). It’s just become impossible to ignore the fact that females are not only doing equal or better work in the same genre jobs as male counterparts, they’re also making metal records that go places no male on Earth — none, nada, zip-ol-lina — could go. That 2011’s best metal so far — Subrosa’s No Help for the Mighty Ones — is an almost all-femme effort of relentless pan-genre awesomeness only adds arsenic and new lace to my argumentative cake.

All of which may have the reader thinking, “You do realize, you silly person, that you’ve just written off the work of one half the human race.”

To which I say, “Yeah, well, I guess I’m pimping a little irony here, since that’s business as usual with women and the metal press. But irony aside, please bear with me.”

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