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Scraping Genius Off The Wheel, The Webernets

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE METAL BAND SAYS ABOUT YOU, PART DEUX

 Friday, April 1st, 2011 at 2:30pm by

Apparently, plagiarizing a concept executed far more effectively by an established humour site gets the LOL-age. So, in the spirit of McSweeney’s “What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You” epic parts 1 and 2, here are some more snappy answers to stupid questions. (Special preemptive thanks to John Peck for not suing me.)

Megadeth: Your political beliefs are as deep-seated as they are woefully uninformed.

Anthrax: You have a spot on your tongue where the taste buds have died.

Exodus: You’ve been wearing the same denim jacket since Clinton was President.

Judas Priest: Your favorite Batman movie stars Adam West.

Botch: Your favorite Batman movie stars Michael Keaton.

Whitechapel: Your favorite Batman movie stars George Clooney.

Job for a Cowboy: You inadvertently take to heart the proverb “dance like nobody’s watching.”

The Acacia Strain: You read the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog for the articles.

Suicidal Tendencies: You knit. In secret.

Sepultura: You don’t know how all those Brazilian transsexual videos ended up on your hard drive.

Soulfly: You know how all those Brazilian transsexual videos ended up on your hard drive.

Cavalera Conspiracy: You’re a Brazilian transsexual.

Dream Theater: You have a strong opinion about the capital gains tax.

Burzum: Your career path appears to have indefinitely stalled at the “funployee” phase.

The Devin Townsend Project: You once got your hand caught in a pickle jar.

Strapping Young Lad: You once got your head caught in a pickle jar.

Municipal Waste: You single-handedly disproved the theory that feline AIDS couldn’t be transferred to humans.

Converge: You’ll get your revenge on that kid who took your lunch money in the 5th grade. Some day.

Hatebreed: You’re blissfully unaware that a Converge fan plans to exact his petty vengeance on you some day.

Isis: You’ve reached a remarkable epiphany about the transcendent qualities of heavy music, the hidden cosmic beauty lurking between the notes that softly electrifies the human soul and makes tremble the human heart.

Pelican: You’re just like a Isis fan, except a whole lot hairier.

Ill Nino: You’ve tried salvia and think it’s great. Just great, maaaan.

(həd) p.e.: You think 9/11 was an inside job.

Rage Against The Machine: You think 911 is a joke.

Limp Bizkit: You’re a joke.

-GS

  • Jewers

    What your favorite metalsucks contributor says about you:

    Gary Suarez – You are Gary Suarez

    • James M.

      This.

    • srsly

      Yay! I get to be Gary Suarez!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jose-Rodriguez-III/1435762004 Jose Rodriguez III

    well, at least you tried.

  • Billy Chapman

    Am I having a bad day or did this suck?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mike-Reagan/520958920 Mike Reagan

    Where’s the funny?

  • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com Alkahest

    Converge: You’ll get your revenge on that kid who took your lunch money in the 5th grade. Some day.

    Hatebreed: You’re blissfully unaware that a Converge fan plans to exact his petty vengeance on you some day.

    lol’d

    But this one was a hit and miss.

    • Stu

      That one was genius.

  • B-dizzle

    I fucking love these, absolutely awesome

  • Sapien

    I lawled at the Devin Townsend/SYL bit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Hurley/1289730334 Matt Hurley

    I lol’d at the Exodus bit, but I think “since Reagan was president” would be more accurate

    • http://www.metalsucks.net/category/scraping-genius-off-the-wheel/ Gary Suarez

      Fair point. The logic behind that one was that, between the Reagan and Clinton years, most Exodus fans gained a LOT of weight.

  • i am

    these are funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Britt-Granitt/582086079 Britt Granitt

    Haha, I like the Pelican one!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Andrew-Sterner/1335958279 Andrew Sterner

    Eh, not as good as the first time around.

  • Howie

    I liked these ones! And I might have to start listening to Ill Nino now, because I do love me some salvia.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Keith-Brown/537636633 Keith Brown

    Oh God, and Converge is up there as one of my favorites…

    OH DEAR LORD IT’S TRUE

  • rey

    Converge, Megadeth, Botch, Dream Theater are all spot on

    • BILL

      mine would be dream theater, and its true

  • madne0

    “The Devin Townsend Project: You once got your hand caught in a pickle jar.”

    HOLY SHIT!!!!1!

  • Dissolution

    Loved it!!!

    By – Gary – do you have an e-mail address? I’m Proven and we wanted to send you some swag as a THANK YOU for your help in the metalinjection/metalsucks contest.

  • ScottySCOTT

    “You’re a joke”
    Shut the fuck up Limp Bizkit!

  • Adam

    That SYL one is pretty funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jared-Turner/1201596765 Jared Turner

    I AM NOT A FUCKING HICK
    OR A BRAZILIAN TRANSEXUAL!!

    *Insert trendy deathcore band* — You’ve never heard Suffocation.

  • Andrew

    I actually don’t have an opinion on the capital gains tax, thank you very much.

  • Betelgeuse

    Ugh. This got old fast.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matthew-Kurtz/1493586117 Matthew Kurtz

    Hey man, you left off Iron Maiden!

  • metalhead616

    Whitechapel: Your favorite Batman movie stars George Clooney.

    Wtf no don’t joke with me…

    .Whitechapel: Breakdowns were made for you and your mega -ballz

    (həd) p.e.: You think 9/11 was an inside job. (then this will be my next favorite band)
    XD

  • Josh

    My favorite band is Judas Priest and I’ve never even seen the 60′s batman movie. I’ve seen episodes of the show though. It’s cute…for about a minute.

  • MeesterDerp

    I wanna know what Wintersun and Ensiferum say about me.

  • Max

    Haha — the Isis one is very true. And I’m a huge Isis fan!

  • Dubs

    I always knew Richmond was full of cat fuckers…

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bryce-Eivins/1397724401 Bryce Eivins

      from richmond. home of municipal waste, lamb of god, gwar, strike anywhere, mobile deathcamp, and pig destroyer. cat fuckers not so much

      • http://www.facebook.com/herzeleid1995 Jesus Enos

        Sounds like cat fuckers to me.

      • http://www.facebook.com/herzeleid1995 Jesus Enos

        Sounds like cat fuckers to me.

  • Jason H.

    Rage Against the Machine – You hate Capitalism but will gladly take the money of people who buy your albums and go to your shows.

  • Kid Moe

    That local band that never quite made it above the threshold of hometown heroes: You’ll regret that tattoo until you meet another dumbass who wasted 200$. Then, you can regret it together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Brownfield/500031661 Nick Brownfield

    lol Isis.

  • http://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com/ Keith Spillett

    Dream Theater line was hysterical. That accurately describes about 90 percent of Dream Theater fans I’ve met.