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Green Eggs and Slam

I AM A PROFESSOR IN METALOLOGY

 Tuesday, April 5th, 2011 at 5:00pm by

introduces himself to the internet. He loves metal — anything from Rob Zombie to Children of Bodom to Dio. Also, he plays bass — at first he thought that he couldn’t actually play it for you in this video because it’s too loud and his parents will scold him, although he eventually gets bold enough to bust out “Holy Diver” for you.

A lot of metal fans take themselves really seriously, so I think it’s cool that RoCkStArBaSs100 does some silly, tongue-in-cheek videos like this one where he announces that he is a “Professor In Metalology.” In the banter segment, he mentions that he rearranged his room and warns against reading The Dirt because it “talks about a lot of bad stuff.”

In this video, RoCkStArBaSs100 discusses why he hates Justin Bieber. The main reasons are 1) RoCkStArBaSs100 loves metal 2) Bieber is a girl. Not sure what the squeaking in the background is —  is it his bed frame, or an agitated pet?? Hard to say. Also, he announces that he will NOT be making a video on Wednesday.

RoCkStArBaSs100′s newer videos (such as this one, “Top 10 nu-metal bands”) are more polished, featuring more sophisticated set design and sparkling audio. Some people might miss the raw, gritty feel of his earlier material, but we think true fans will stick with him and appreciate progression.

Thanks to Thats Not Metal for finding this one!

-Sergeant D.

Study with Professor Sergeant D. at Stuff You Will Hate.

Tags: , , , , , , ,
  • yzermantiis

    +1 amazing

  • Nick

    when i was his age im glad i had a dial up internet connection, and there was no such thing as you tube for this reason only. the videos i made of myself stayed the way they stayed, erased and forgotten.

    these kids these days, willingly posting the awkward stages in life on the internet to be viewed by way more people than would have made fun of you in high school.

    • Vakarm

      Agreed

      All i had was an MSN profile and from time to time, a blog on blogspot. If i had access to technology like today, there’s no telling what kind of embarassing stuff i would’ve posted

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Desislav-Iliev/1727483236 Desislav Iliev

        I didn’t even have a computer

        • cocksucker

          Me neither!

        • WowWee!

          When I was poor I thought is was a bad thing.

  • Isaac

    I am so fucking glad I am not like this. I have classmates who are, though (not the video-posting type, the antisocial/eternal virgin LAWLMETTUL type). Quite lulzy.

    • Befriender

      All the “eternal virgin” types I know use the word “lulzy”.

  • Dave

    i never understand why people would post videos of themselves like this on the internet, what do they expect?

  • Watt Par

    I like how he says that his bass might sound out of tune even though he played something on one string.

  • Matt S

    painful to watch

  • Mongorian

    its been said so many times, but so glad there wasnt youtube and cheap cameras back in the day, otherwise i could have easily done something like this :(

  • Matt

    A metalheads gotta keep his amp on 10. Maybe 11

    • The Greys

      Give him credit for the “Spinal Tap” reference.

  • Braston

    This is great. Sergeant D. I commend you once again. I lol’d so hard at the comment about the grittier feel of his old stuff. Hahahaha. I love how people that proclaim themselves the biggest metalhead listen to garbage that really isn’t metal at all

  • http://northernsword.bandcamp.com/ NORTHERN SWORD

    Yeah, these videos are dumb. And yeah, this kid definitely hasn’t a clue of what is metal and what isn’t. But he’s just a kid. I went to his YouTube to look at comments on his videos and it’s just mass amounts of people calling him an idiot and similar things like that. Do you think he really needs a huge metal site making fun of him? I mean, he’s clearly reaching out to people on the internet because he doesn’t have anyone to hang out with (why would he make multiple videos by himself, talking to himself?). I love everything you post, Sergeant D, but this isn’t even funny. It’s just mean. Perhaps this is a bit far-fetched, but I think it is safe to say we were all just as inexperienced and mislead, if not more, when it comes to metal at some point in our lives.

    -1

    • flash

      ^agreed

      At least the kid is passionate about music no matter how un-fashionable the bands he likes are. Why single him out like this, I don’t get it.

    • Driven9

      *says the kid who got beat up in grade school

      • Alex

        ^Says the kid who got beat up but hasn’t moved on yet and feels like now he has his chance to to be mean.

        • The Greys

          I agree with Northern Sword. Sgt. D must have low self-esteem if he feels the need to make fun of this poor kid’s videos. There’s nothing funny about smirking at this kid; it’s just cyber-bullying on a large scale.

          I don’t imagine Sgt. D was any cooler when he was 14. Give the kid a break.

          If this was the best you could do this week, Sgt. D, perhaps you need a vacation from being a smart-ass.

    • http://www.heavyblogisheavy.com Alkahest

      I agree with this man. Dude’s just a kid. At his age, I was listening to Korn, Linkin Park, and Limp Bizkit, and even then I thought I was listening to heavy music. Shit happens. No need to bully the kid just because you think you can hide behind some sort of weird internet clout as a satirist.

    • TheHateMachine

      I think Sergeant D is a dick for throwing this kid under the bus.Not funny at all. There is nothing wrong with the kid at all. He is very young and living his life. Bad enough that assholes on youtube shit on the kid but you decide to put him on a page to exploit him way worse. Im guessing your mom should have swallowed instead of letting your dad bust one in her. What a piece of fuck you are.

      • cocksucker

        I do agree on the Sergeant D is a degenerate repetitive scumbag part. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty bad troll as well. All he does is copy paste.

  • Gecko

    Well I do admire his spirit! Ratt, Van Halen, and KISS are certainly what I think of when I think metal, lol. But seriously, to go along with what everyone else as said so far, I was no better when I was his age (which I’m guessing is around 15 or so), and if YouTube was around back then, I’m sure I would’ve dorked it up with my first bass, and my vague ability to play Iron Man. I’m sure he’ll look back on this in 10 years and give himself a good WTF for it all.

    • Strapping Young Lad

      haha, took the words out of my mouth. This kid is cool in my book!

  • Cate

    Oooohhh this poor kid. Kudos on the generation gap comment. He will erase these videos as soon as he is mature enough (age-wise and musically) to realize what he has done.

    He’s obviously young. He’s reflective, makes lists, expresses his interests, and knows songs/albums well . . . problem is it’s all disgusting. Hopefully he’ll blossom as he gets older.

    Why on earth is he so stuck on 90′s nu? Who on earth shared that stuff with him? He had to have been born in 91 or something.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexandre-Perrault/545955672 Alexandre Perrault

      91? I was born in 1991. It’s 2011. I’m almost 20. This kid was born, at the earliest, in 1996. He’s young as fuck.

      • Cate

        Noted. Sorry, I associate everyone born in the 90′s as children – I should really stop doing that now, you’re right, some of you are in your twenties now.

        Eek. I’m getting old.

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexandre-Perrault/545955672 Alexandre Perrault

          Just wait until the 21st century kids become adults. Currently, the oldest are 10 (because 2000 was a 20th century year, folks).

          • MachinaeSupremacist

            What a scary thought. As if realizing I’m technically an adult (born ’92) wasn’t creepy enough… Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

  • Ron Deuce

    Thanks for sitting through these painful videos and giving us the highlight reel.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nick-Briggs/1133730038 Nick Briggs

    i felt bad for this guy kinda :S

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michl-Deuueaugh-Bishop/571220161 MichÆl Deuueaugh Bishop

    like u, ir basS is WickEd BraH, u r pRobs tha beSt baSs plaYa Ive evar s3en!!

  • yzermantiis

    When I was 15 I loved some god awful music, so I’m positive he will branch out eventually as well……or become a juggalo….

  • Chris

    I think its quite obvious this kid is autistic… >_> No one else pick up on that?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Monika-Alexander/1839460098 Monika Alexander

      lol. being awkward at 15 in front of a camera with nothing to say doesn’t make one autistic

      • Aaron

        I don’t know this is a little more than awkward. He had unlimited takes to make a decent video.

  • Kazz

    I was pretty much right with him in the first video, as awkward as it may be. It was clear he’s got a lot to learn about his subject but he’s just a kid and it seemed like he was off to a good start. He kinda lost me with the last couple videos though.

    Limp Bizkit really? LB hasn’t even been popular since that kid was probly 9 years old, so I’m not sure how he latched onto them. I should have guessed there would be some really goofy stuff on his favorite anything list when he said he likes Kiss.

    • eMeyer

      lol. fuck kiss

  • RoCkStArBaSs100

    haters make me famous

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Alexander/1092891172 Ben Alexander

      He mad.

      • Isaac

        Fulfilling your own prophecy, I see.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ben-Alexander/1092891172 Ben Alexander

    I predict comments in excess of 100, 20 of which will be a variation of “u mad?!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alan-Hubbard/1630400598 Alan Hubbard

    Last video–So, I like this band because they have good guitars, good bass, good vocals, and they also have good songs. They are good people and make good records. They probably feed their good pets good food and reward them for being good with good treats. Also, they are on this list because they are good. They would not be on this list if they weren’t good. This is a good list with good bands with good songs.

    • Planeswalker

      Ha sounds like John Madden (:

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shaun-Reeves/100000774753955 Shaun Reeves

        haha win

  • M’Kay

    I watched that last two vieos at the same time and did not have any trouble understanding his many awful points.

  • http://www.thatsnotmetal.com ThatsNotMetal

    You dudes are welcome. Please don’t make this kid kill himself. I don’t need that on my conscience.

    • The Hanging Brain

      Then maybe you should have left him well enough alone.

      • http://www.thatsnotmetal.com ThatsNotMetal

        Not possible.

        • The Greys

          Blame yourself. You’re the one who brought it to everyone’s attenton, troll.

  • http://noiseroad.com Noise Road

    Wow! You’re cooler than a 14 year old kid. It must feel pretty rewarding to publicly mock an awkward teenager.

  • Frotch

    he totally reminds me of a metal Dr. steve brule.

  • http://jimsfear.blogspot.com/ ferocious_fetus

    fuck that was PAINFUL to watch. Poor (semi autistic?) lil’ bastard.
    Mirroring all the comments above…..doubled edged sword of technology folks. His embarrassment = our LULZ!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-MXickman/502613553 Brandon MXickman

    gut-wrenchingly painful to watch…
    was there any doubt that korn would be #1?
    if only our public schools were better….

  • Jack

    Nothing says metal like a Beatles poster

    • Pastor of Muppets

      Of all the comments on the kid’s poor taste and you have to call him out for liking The Beatles?

      -1

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Peter-Tomis/621582836 Peter Tomis

    “i think thats sooo pretty awesome”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Randon-Bowerman/100000186242024 Randon Bowerman

    You’re a fucking DICK.

  • octillus

    He’s a kid. C’mon, he likes Dio, that has to account for SOMETHING.

    • octillus

      Also, I need to echo the fact that this kid likely suffers from mild autism. My cousin does, and he sounds an awful lot like him.

  • meat mincing machine

    sergeant d is a professor in poopology

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sam-Payne/100000778007368 Sam Payne

    This kid is making me side with Justin Bieber, what the fuck.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Austin-Pearl-Nutter/1418565949 Austin Pearl Nutter

    You had to go and make fun of him, didn’t you? I feel bad for him because I was just like this when I was thirteen except I didn’t play bass then. Come to think of it this is basically my little brother if he was into metal instead of classical.
    But seriously this is hilarious. Hopefully he goes and starts a band than winds up being the next Whitechapel or Born of Osiris.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Matt-Hurley/1289730334 Matt Hurley

    Professor in MetaLOLogy.

  • sliv

    I thought I was stoned for a moment because he had the same explanation for the first 3 he listed in the 2nd video.

  • FixxxeR

    ROCKSTARBASS100 you effin RULE kid! pay NO attention to the morons with no life that post negative crap! you’re gonna go far kid!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alexandre-Perrault/545955672 Alexandre Perrault

      Backed fully. Socially awkward teenager=socially awkward, but successful, adult.

  • David

    Kurt Ballou should be working on the new Converge album, not posting videos on YouTube.

  • earthsherm

    this kis is awesome. thats true metal dedication.

  • GRINDSTONE

    “You see the reason System Of a down is higher above Disturbed, is because i like System Of A Down better than Disturbed.” lol, I love how he likes the bands by song too. But hey, we were all at that stage, just not everyone posts it on the internet. He will find the light someday.

    • Lycanthrope

      What’s a ladder without the bottom rungs?

  • Wade Wiseman

    I actually normally keep my bass amp on two…

  • The Hanging Brain

    Not even gonna click the links. Sleep tight D, because you’ve now upped the number of douche bags that are gonna pick on this little kid. If you consider yourself the premier metal troll, then pick some more worthy targets, and more importantly, ones who really deserve it. Fucking sad shit when a rather influential metal blog needs to bring down shit on some little dude who’s just trying to make some fellow metal Youtube friends. Bullying sucks, and you’re a dick for perpetuating it.

  • Kye

    I admire his enthusiasm.

    I don’t admire grown men encouraging groups of people to textually attack a child. Especially when the common thing that unites us on this blog isn’t exactly a musical genre known for having an intelligent, mature, or socially adaptable fanbase.

    There’s enough bullshit involved with being an awkward teenager as it is, and while posting videos of himself online is obviously a poor choice and opens him up to whatever may come his way, that doesn’t mean you’re required to make fun of him.

    You wouldn’t walk up to a child on the street and treat him like dirt for being who he is, so why do it online? And if you WOULD do that to a child, then you’re the joke, not him.

    I’m all for trolling, but sometimes it’s more important to act like an adult.

    • just be yourself

      I agree with everything you just stated. So what if he’s not presenting himself as a mature, well-spoken journalist. How many of us adults do either? The kid obviously loves the same thing (more or less) that we all claim to love. He just has the balls to put his face with his words. How many of you anonymous assholes would do the same thing?

      I love metal and I love humor, but I’m not a fan of bullying or picking on kids. Years down the road this kid will probably get a good laugh at his teenage self. Anyone who’s honest does. I miss the days when I was this enthusiastic about metal.

  • Kervinator

    It’s really pathetic you’ve stooped to making fun of a kid who loves metal. I understand its your ‘job’ to make fun of people on your blog, but I think you went to far on this one. You probably made this kid feel like shit, but at least you made some people laugh and that makes it ok though, right? You’re a great columnist guy.

    • Rafferty

      Not even so much pathetic as it is such horribly low hanging fruit. I mean, I’m sure none of us have seen/read/heard pieces making fun of others on youtube before! Such a unique and skewering voice is Sergeant D.

  • stana

    haha metaLOLogy, i see what you did there

  • junkyardgod

    I sympathize. I found my deadjournal from waaayy back when and wanted to shoot my past self in the face. Fucking embarrassing.

    Hey, maybe posting his shit on MS will get him to read the site and actually pick up on some decent metal. I don’t know. Here’s to hoping…

    • neon_fritata

      Fingers crossed for that. Maybe MetalSucks will review his intestine-pulverizing bass-virtuoso metal album someday…if he lets them.

  • Spencerggthang

    I went through that stage when I was his age. But with guns n roses and from first to last. Give him a break, hope he reads this site more and pick up on some good shit like btbam, meek is murder, periphery. Were all little dorks on the inside.

  • IPlaySpector

    Had nostalgia for a second, this kid reminds me of myself when I was a preteen. You guys are just mad at how pure his fascination with metal is, undiluted by bullshit like what others think.

    • FixxxeR

      well said!

  • gggggrrrriiiiiiind

    I’m 36 years old, and I was a goofball when I was this kid’s age (who wasn’t?), but if he thinks The Beatles are a Metal band he deserves to have just a little bit of shit flung in his direction.

    • FixxxeR

      and in your AWESOME opinion, just exactly WHAT would music be like today (ESPECIALLY metal) if it weren’t for the Beatles?? think about it jackass.

      • gggggrrrriiiiiiind

        Simmer down, buddy.

        I did not say that they were NOT influential to music/Metal; Black Sabbath quickly springs to mind as a band that the Beatles were a huge influence on, I just said that they were NOT a METAL band. Early 80s Hardcore was a huge influence on bands like Metallica and Slayer, but does that make Discharge and Black Flag Metal bands? No, it does not.

        Read comments a little more carefully before you get your panties all bunched up.

        • FixxxeR

          was i coming across as hostile? no. i was just pointing out something you clearly do not understand. 36 years old and your ‘great insight’ is to suggest that shit be flung his way because he has a Beatles poster??

          gtfo of your mom’s basement already! <– theres ya some hostility, jackass!!! :)

          • gggggrrrriiiiiiind

            Actually, I DO understand. Again, read my comment more carefully. I said that they WERE an influence on Metal, just not a METAL band themselves.

            “and what does him having a poster of them have to do with anything anyways?”

            Because when he is naming off METAL bands, he mentions THE BEATLES, and then turns around and looks at the poster.

            He could have a fucking Lil’ Wayne poster on his wall for all I care, just don’t call him a Metal artist.

            And I left Mom’s house in 1992 ;)

  • FixxxeR

    Seems to me that this very young kid is on to something.. something very awesome… something many of you don’t even understand!
    and that’s a TRUE appreciation and unbiased love for Heavy Metal. Clearly he sees metal for what it really is, and not what anyone TELLS him it should be. and if you ask me he ALREADY understands MORE about metal than 90% of you dipshits on here (including you, gggrind!) and those that feel the need to harass him and point him out and say really harsh things on what everyone does when they become of age.
    HELL YEA he has a Beatles poster! WTF do you idiots think metal would be like if they never happened?? and what does him having a poster of them have to do with anything anyways? does it show his appreciation for music? or is it some sorta anti-metal subliminal message? or…?
    Akward or not, at least he has the BALLS to publicly talk about his love for music!
    Keep it up Rockstarbass!! i’ll be happy to subscribe to your channel!!

    • Utmu

      +infinity

      I wish when I was as impressionable as him that a bunch of anonymous dudes on the internet hadn’t called the bands and music I like “terrible”, cuz I wouldn’t have the dilemma of wondering if I really like the music I listen to, or if I just want to be a metalhead.

    • RoCkStArBaSs100

      Thanks Man

  • Aaron

    Honeslty, who gives a crap? It’s funny. It’s funny because EVERY metal fan is like this at some point. I loved dio and system of a down ozzy and metallica and that was it back in the day. And if you post yourself on the internet, you are allowing yourself to be made fun of no matter how old you are. Solved.

  • Aaron

    Plus, judging by his taste in metal at this point, i doubt Rockstarbass will be on metal sucks anytime soon. And by the time he is that video will be so far in the archives he won’t ever find it.

  • yzermantiis

    It’s been said to death but, Static-X, SOAD, KoRn, Soulfly, etc etc etc led me to BTBAM, Opeth, Cult Of Luna, Darkest Hour.

    As long as he stays passionate about music, he will keep discovering new music/metal.

  • Eloli

    I too don’t get the point on making fun of this poor kid. He’s a geek, so what? Everyone around here was one at some point. I mean, pretty guys who are getting laid early in junior high don’t really feel the need to listen to heavy metal to feel good about themselves. The only difference between me about 20 years ago and this kid is that I wasn’t fat and I was an awkward nerd only on a local scale, but only because I didn’t have the Internet to make a global fool of myself. :D

  • Jordan O.

    ……… if he was really metal, he would be on metal sucks. Also he calls the Beatles metal, and blames the economy for Justin Bieber. Finally for him to be “the big” metal head in his town then he lives in a small town.

  • Chock Full o’ Vernacular

    Bullying is healthy. Builds character. Anyway, people who listen to the beatles deserve to be mocked, so it all works out.

    • Kid Moe

      Somebody never got the piss knocked off of him for being different. Good for you.

  • canea

    I made embarrassing videos just like this as a teenager. We had a metal program called “Thrash or Trash” where we’d decide if a certain song was good or bad while wearing masks and holding BB guns.

    Didn’t have the internets though, thankfully. Now that stuff is safe in a box in my attic where no one will ever see it again (without a VCR that is).

    All metalheads were/are dorks. Carry on, kid.

  • Sapien

    Good god. Someone get this kid a copy of Lords of Chaos and show him what metal really is…it’s certainly not Ted Nugent and AC/DC.

  • alex

    Well I’m 27 and my music taste is divided fairly evenly between bands people on this site would love and bands most of you would think are lame.

  • RoCkStArBaSs100LuVr

    sarge gave an adequate synopsis of each video. he never said to pick on him, dumb dumbs.

  • Lycanthrope

    RoCkStArBaSs100 seems pretty cool, but is he crescent fresh?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jake-Maki/1283006765 Jake Maki

    i find this ridiculous because metalheads don’t have to listen to metal 24/7. Sometimes I like to listen to some Gangster rap because its hard and harsh and violent in a different sense of death metal.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sean-Awkwardblackguywhopokespeople-Pierre-Antoine/1396657320 Sean Awkwardblackguywhopokespeople Pierre-Antoine

    I like this kid’s direction. He may not be a full fledged metalhead, but we all gotta start somewhere, right? At least he lieks Dio, Skeletonwitch, and even classic rock, and don’t we all have a healthy respect for the old shit? Though I’m 18 and I was kind of a dork at that age(Hell I still kinda am, yikes!), he’ll see that Nu-Metal’s mostly a joke, and Slipknot isn’t one of the heaviest bands out there. I noticed he posted here a few times, so if he checks back and sees my post, just wanna say keep it up, man. We’re all overweight awkward fucks, except for the skinny ones, and that’s Metal for ya.

  • RoCkStArBaSs100

    must i say this to everyone haters make me famous END OF FREAKIN STORY

  • wth

    This man is so fucking metal, he is more metal than any of you fucks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Terrell-S-McClanahan/100000495776694 Terrell S. McClanahan

      thanks