Everyone's Replaceable

NEVERMORE: POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR JEFF LOOMIS AND VAN WILLIAMS

340

 

So unless you live under Gene Hoglan’s ass cheek, by now you have surely heard the devastating news — Nevermore has left Nevermore. I mean, there are still technically some members of Nevermore left in Nevermore, and no (okay, minimal) disrespect to those dudes, but GIVE US A FUCKING BREAK it’s not Nevermore without Jeff Loomis and Van Williams. The fact that the band would even try to continue with a new line-up means the remaining members are either delusional and think they can do it without Loomis and Williams, or cynical and think people won’t notice as long as the Nevermore brand is still in place. Either way it will take some kind of fucking miracle for anyone to care about this band again, at least until the inevitable reunion X number of years from now.

So. As we were sitting in LAX yesterday waiting to board our flight, watching some dude casually eat his boogers as though a) that were an okay thing to do and b) he wasn’t in the middle of a fucking airport surrounded by strangers, we started to joke around about who Nevermore could possibly hire to replace Loomis and Williams. There’s a few guys on this list whose presence might even make us sit up and pay attention to Nu-Nevermore. We’re not saying it would be good, we’re just saying we’d pay attention.

But it’s not likely that any of these people will actually end up in Nevermore, and we need to emphasize for the cheap seats that this is just us having fun and is not based in any actual fact or even vague rumors that we have heard.

And so —

POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR JEFF LOOMIS

1) MARTY FRIEDMAN

Why it could happen: It would be a pretty major way for Nevermore to ensure that people at least give their new line-up a shot, and it would shove Friedman back into the spotlight in a big, big way.

Why it will never happen: Friedman seems to be happy with his current career as the star of Japanese Fanta commercials. Also, he’s not an idiot.

2) MATT WICKLUND

Why it could happen: Well, he did play on Warrel Dane’s solo album.

Why it will never happen: He’s busy with God Forbid. Also, he’s not an idiot.

3) BUCKETHEAD

Why it could happen: He can certainly play! And he was willing to work with Axl Rose, which means he’s not above taking a paycheck job.

Why it will never happen: Nevermore ain’t never gonna pay him what Axl Rose did. Also, he’s not an idiot.

4) EMIL WERSTLER

Why it could happen: He’s an amazing guitar player, and Nevermore just happen to be his label mates.

Why it will never happen: He’s already got three bands to occupy his time. Also, he’s not an idiot.

5) SHRED SEAN

Why it could happen: He’s a killer player, he worships the toilet Jeff Loomis shits in, presumably his rate is reasonable, and we know that the same dude who helped hook him up with that temporary Into Eternity gig is in a position to try and help hook him up with the spot in Nevermore.

Why it will never happen: Like we said, he’s a MASSIVE Loomis fan, so the prospect of stepping in to replace his hero, Rock Star-style, might strike him as being too disrespectful, not to mention thankless, a task. Also, he’s not an idiot.

POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS FOR VAN WILLIAMS

1) MIKE PORTNOY

Why it could happen: He needs a job badly because holy shit this is getting sad.

Why it will never happen: Even Avenged Sevenfold didn’t wanna hang out with him, and they’re not afraid to be seen in public dressed like this.

2) DAVE BUDBILL

Why it could happen: He’s Warrel Dane’s bandmate in Sactuary.

Why it will never happen: Uh, can you seriously imagine this?

3) JOSH FREESE

Why it could happen: Dude is basically a gunslinger-for-hire, so, sure, why not?

Why it will never happen: His rate is about a gajillion dollars a day so fuck that noise.

4) KEVIN TALLEY

Why it could happen: Dude is basically a gunslinger-for-hire, so, sure, why not?

Why it will never happen: Uh, can you seriously imagine this?

5) STEVEN ADLER

Why it could happen: He’ll suck your dick for crack.

Why it will never happen: He’ll suck your dick for crack.

-AR & VN

 

 

 

 

Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits