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The Webernets

VEGAN BLACK METAL CHEF

 Wednesday, May 11th, 2011 at 11:30am by

I feel like veganism somehow goes against everything black metal stands for. I just can’t imagine dudes in corpse paint burning down churches and murdering band mates and then turning around and eating tofu.

And yet, it would not be difficult for me to imagine that there are a lot vegans in the current Brooklyn-peeps-who-wish-they-were-from-Norway scene. Maybe that’s why their brand of black metal is so often incredibly boring? It would be kind of amazing if all it took was a steak for Marshall Marshall Marshallgood III (or whatever the fuck that guy’s name is) to start making music that sounds like, y’know. Music.

In any case, this shit is pretty funny, and clearly a lot of effort went into it, so bravo! to its creator. It’s labeled “episode 1″ and the dude has started his own YouTube channel, so presumably there are going to be more of these in the future.

So look out, MetalSucks! “Cooking Contaminated” now has competition for people who like softened cardboard posing as meat!

-AR

Thanks to our old pal Anton OyVey for the link!

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  • Sapien

    I’m a self-described vegetarian black metaller, and there is definitely some cognitive dissonance that goes on. I suppose it’s hard to be brutal when you’re picking at a dish of tempeh and not the flesh of some dead animal, contemplating mortality and all that. Although the seitan jokes work perfectly.

  • http://www.thatsnotmetal.com Brenocide

    Black Metal parodies are so five years ago, yet are still always funny. With that said, vegan anything is probably the least metal thing ever. If any of you guys want to bring up “Earth Crisis” to try and argue with me about it, by all means, assist me with my point.

    • A normal human like the rest of you

      People still say things like “that’s not metal” are so five years ago.

      • http://www.thatsnotmetal.com Brenocide

        Try 30 years ago, champ.

    • !!!

      One word: Carcass.

  • Bastard

    The joke is amusing for around five seconds (video is a quarter of an hour long!), the music is shit, the food looks average, the whole thing is fucking irritating.

  • Tommi

    Cattle Decapitation says ‘hi’

    • Blake

      Black metal says “hi” back.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Pinson/1402489026 Chris Pinson

      Aren’t at least a couple of the dudes in Gojira vegetarians?

  • lost goat

    anything with a buncha peanuts in it is nasty

  • A normal human like the rest of you

    Stop the search! We have found the Foodnetwork’s next star!

  • SP420

    In terms of healthiness, veganism IS the way to go. Unfortunately though, with all the food manufacturers not giving a shit and content with adding corn syrup and all other shitty corn-based additives to processed food, it’s going to be a longgggg time before people start waking up to the garbage they’re eating and before going vegan isn’t isn’t at the cost premium it is now.

    • A normal human like the rest of you

      All the vegans I know look anorexic and unhealthy except for a few. I’m a vegetarian, but I’ll eat vegan dishes as well. They’re tastier than people make them out to be.

      Even if people knew what goes into meat and other food I think they would still eat it sadly.

      • Stu

        It takes a little more work and planning to be a healthy vegan, but I have no regrets.

    • horse blanket

      Of course diets full of corn-based crap are awful but there are so many myths about vegetarianism/veganism being healthier than other diets. If you are a veggie/vegan and you go around purporting to be healthier than everyone else, you should at least read this to better inform your opinion: http://www.westonaprice.org/abcs-of-nutrition/1555-not-to-go-vegetarian.html

      • Stu

        I guess it’s a matter of opinion, because there are plenty of modern studies that repudiate a lot of that.

        • Ulversatile

          nothing wrong with eating meat and vegetables together.

          this is why humans are omnivores.

          • A normal human like the rest of you

            No all humans are omnivores, just like some animals learn to eat other things that they don’t normally eat or abandon something they normally eat.

      • http://AdmiralBastardo Admiral Bastardo

        Citing a website by the Weston A Price Foundation is NOT a good source for nutrition. They are a LOBBYING group that uses antiquated scientific and nutritional studies as futile attempts to back up their claims. Obsolete.

    • Ron Deuce

      A couple months ago I started eating way more fruits and vegetables and way less meat and cheese because the processed food is so bad for your health. I actually juice my breakfast and lunches because I’m too lazy to chew all that shit. If you guys are interested google “lemon ginger blast”. I drink one of those everyday and they taste real good. It’s a lifestyle change for me but I’m glad I did it.

    • Brian

      No. You can pry my junk food from my cold dead hands.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Clayton-Russell/553693986 Clayton Russell

    Don’t forget about this black metal chef
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mB8rpjh-Vw

  • Barry Von Breetalstein

    Cattle decap have the best shirts evar

  • http://www.extremepair.net Dario Sycco

    Awesome! Trying this out on the weekend.

  • shuriken1776

    Personally I think being a vegan is totally fucking lame!Everyones gotta cater to them because of their fucking diet.Then you gotta sit through your awesome cheeseburger listening to their stupid fucking rhetoric being spit back at you that they read off a fucking PETA pamphlet.dont be a pussy! animals are meant to be eaten! why do they taste so awesome with bbq sauce? Explain cows! how about Chickens? fucking tasty.
    oh and btw: those dudes that wear that black metal make up look ridiculous….first,youre wearing make up.enough said.second youre wearing make up……lame…..

    • A normal human like the rest of you

      I’ve never pressed by vegetarian beliefs on anyone. The only thing I would say is yes animals are meant to be eaten, but the way the US produces meat and animals isn’t very good for the animals or you, who eats the animals and isn’t normal. I, at one time, ate meat and the meat in the US tastes like shit compared to other countries.

    • Stu

      Please don’t ever reproduce.

    • Marc

      sweet. swooping generalizations is gnar.

    • huntermc

      People Eating Tasty Animals.

  • Wowwee!!

    Damn that turned out to be a good watch. I’m not vegan but I would cook that up and if you don’t like tofu just substitute the tofu for some beef, chicken, or shrimp. I will watch everything this guy releases in the future because I really enjoyed that.

  • bowing headds

    Wasn’t Carcass vegan? Not that they’re black metal but they were pretty brutal…

  • Kye

    Actually, if you follow the Burzum school of nature reverence, the whole vegan thing makes a lot of sense. Not necessarily required, but it makes sense.

    I’m a vegetarian (moving towards vegan), and black metal is my big thing. I’ve never felt conflicted about it whatsoever.

  • marc

    Ildjarn, the most necro sounding act from Norway in the early 90s (the guy was Emperor bassist when the band was formed) is a vegan. Even Varg Vikernes said in an interview that he was a vegetarian for sometime. I’ve also read somewhere Atilla (from Mayhem) and Gaahl (former Gorgoroth) are vegetarians, not sure about that though…

    • Jimmy

      Is Ildjarn still alive?

      Gaahl and Atilla: Does it still count as vegetarian with all the pig’s and sheep’s heads on stage? Or as part of your stage costume?

  • Curmudgeon

    Better than most Black Metal lately. “Cut the tofu, turn the plate, cut the tofu.”

    • Brooke

      Agreed, I laughed my ass off when I first saw this vid. Some of the people commenting here who complain that “veganism isn’t black metal” take themselves and music far too seriously

  • Ian

    I love this video. I love black metal as well. I think a lot of people assume when they see something like this that it’s being ‘ironic’ or it’s a hipsterish put-down of black metal. But only a person who loves black metal could have made this video.

  • theAccursed

    If it’s metal to be sexist and racist (ie; denying fellow earthling’s interests because they are in a different group to you) then it’s metal to annihilate something’s major interests (it’s life) with your trivial interests (taste; especially when there are plenty of alternatives available).

    Therefore; if it’s not metal to be sexist or racist, then it’s not metal to be a speciest.

  • Miss Misery

    Ok, heres the deal – Satanists value the lives of animals above the lives of human beings, so being vegan is a reasonable choice. As a fellow vegan metalhead, the confusion caused to regular mortals by this is a source of constant amusement.

  • Ben

    This is bullshit. He’s not making it in a CAULDRON OF BLACK GOOOOLLLLDD.

  • hangingNIPPLE

    Funny, but a bit long.

    also

    If you press tofu on bleached, dyed paper towels you get a bunch of bullshit on your bean curds.

    Crushing peanuts in a plastic bag will get you very very tiny bits of plastic in yo shit

    cilantro sucks

  • http://AdmiralBastardo Admiral Bastardo

    I’m a vegan and a metalhead so of course, I found this vid to be pretty damn amusing and entertaining. I, for one, like animals more than most humans. Plus, my health, strength, and stamina have greatly improved since going vegan, so for me, it makes sense. “CRUSH THOSE PEANUTS!” haha

    Now, time to go blast some Carcass and punch Ted Nugent in the face….

  • MannDober

    I agree the video is a bit long too (otherwise the recipe is alright), but really though:

    i don’t get how everyone is equating eating meat with being metal. As a mostly vegetarian, but occasional omnivore, I’ve gotta say that unless you went out to track and slaughter your meat before dragging it’s lifeless corpse home to your house/apartment/mom’s basement, where you then set for to skin, gut and fillet it before lighting up ye olde grille, your meat ain’t that metal (btw i live close enough to farms to do this very shit to the vegetables i put on my own table).
    More than likely it’s cornfed bullshit that pumped full of antibodies and chemicals that are only gonna bio-magnify within your body and further eviscerate your soft tissue with it’s cancerous delights! Also keep in mind that the most satanic animal (according to almost half of all metal cover art) is a goat (an herbivore) not a great white killing machine. Just kinda seems silly to hate on something with no frame of reference, and to think that eating someone else’s efforts of destruction makes you powerful.