An Open Letter to Mötley Crüe and Poison

Dear Members of Mötley Crüe and Poison,

Okay so look. Vince and I already have our tickets to your big summer tour with the New York Dolls. You have our money. You won that fight. It’s over.

So the least you could do is make the tour fucking entertaining. And, no, I don’t mean by playing “Live Wire” and “Ride the Wind” or whatever. I mean, you’re gonna play those songs, but that’s a given.

No no no no no no no. What we really, really want here is some DRAMA. Some FEUDING between the bands. You’re Mötley Crüe and Poison, fer cryin’ out loud! You chase trends. Star on reality shows. Contract and spread diseases. Release terrible records. This tour is not supposed to be some huge love fest. It’s supposed to be a total shit show.

Which is why I’m really pissed that, thus far, you seem to be getting along. You’re doing talk shows together. And now Bret Michaels says that Nikki Sixx has even apologized for the comments he and other members of The Crüe have made about Poison — y’know, the ones where they called Poison “fake bullshit,” swore that they “would never, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” and even yelled at a fan over Twitter for suggesting such a heinous concept. According to Mr. Rock of Love:

“There was a lot of controversy between Motley Crue and Poison, just some comments they had made about how ‘We’re not gonna do that kind of tour.’ I had said something on stage, like ‘Wouldn’t it be awesome if for Poison’s 25th anniversary and Motley Crue’s 30th, for there to be a tour we did together?’ And a couple of the members of their band made some pretty derogatory comments. I just said, ‘The hell with it. I’m gonna do my own tour.’ Then, Nikki (Sixx) said, ‘I’m really sorry about some of the comments some of the members made. I really want to do this.’ So I think it’s gonna be a great tour.”

OH MY GOD THAT IS SO FUCKING MATURE AND BORING OF YOU, NIKKI. You should be telling Bret that your band is gonna blow his band off the stage every night. You should be telling him that you’re gonna fuck way more groupies than he ever will — in fact, you’re gonna go to his dressing room area every night and steal his groupies, just because. You should be promising to knock him the fuck out like you were the curtain at the Tony Awards. But no. For the first time in your life, you have to go and do the big kid thing and act like a mensch. YAWN.

Our friends at Metal Insider point out that there could still be some in-fighting once the tour begins. Holy crap, do I hope they’re right. If you guys somehow manage to make it through the whole summer without a single cat fight, I might cry. Not cry tough, either. Just cry.

-AR