
Last week, Idol bid adieu to contestant Heavy Metal James Durbin and that’s sad. Not only did Durbin leave behind two no-singing country hacks and the tight-assed, moderately skilled classic rocker Haley Reinhart, but he took with him the show’s only smidgeon of, like, real life. Dude has seen some trouble; that tiny measure of authenticity carried him past crappy technique and, later, malproductive cockiness. Plus, he was semi-metal and therefore good for a Judass Priest jam once in a while. Well, exactly once.
In Durbin’s wake, Idol is now a desert of arid suckiness (Countreh Boah Scotty McCreery, Lauren The Winner) pocked by the occasional cactus of pretty goodness (Haley Reinhart). This week, we accompanied each back home to visit all the fake-ass fame humping nobodies from whom each Idol wannabe wishes to escape. How depressing. I mean, let the little kids are excited, but grown adults in tears for these fireflies, these off-brand pan-flashes, these Hostess Twinkie motherfuckers? Yes, people of the heartland, hats off to the inanimate carbon rod!
The good news is the shit is nearly over and I, Anso DF, get my life back in time for summer. Back in fall, I pitched Idol Remains to Axl and Vince as a means for MetalSucks rubberneckers to gawk at the continuous Idol trainwreck and to ride along every week with Steven Tyler, American rock’s greatest frontman. He’s a producer, writer, dancer, singer, druggie, and bon vivant — not a live TV personality or dutiful judge of weak, flavorless singers. (Oh, plus, he sucks at writing books.) So, Tyler the Idol goof may be of little help to me, Aerosmith fans, Aerosmith members, or Idol contestants, but he rescued ratings (aw nuts) and, for a time, managed to counteract the idiocy of fellow judge Jennifer Lopez (uh thanks). Not a good trade-off for all the strife it caused with his band. Sigh.
Anyway, with three performers left, gaze in horror on your penultimate Idol Remains scorecard of hard sores and lard-ass bores.
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